I'll Never Get Past My Depression, Will I

When you find out -and you will if you are the persistent type- what the conflict is inside you, your next step is to accept it for what it is and that you are going to have to deal with it. (It may be that you are already aware of the conflict on a semi-conscious level.) It may take a while to fully be able to accept it, but once you get on that track, you will start regaining energy, faith and willpower. You will see light at the end of the tunnel, and from there it's only a matter of time and focus until you are out, and the sun is shining bright again.

reply to post by soulwaxer


I know what causes the PTSD, but you are right about there being something deeper. I have a pretty good idea what this might be, but it's not something I'm willing to share with the world. It is a problem and I have to fix it. I have to or spend the rest of my life hating myself.

I've already taken some steps down that road. Just have to overcome the inertia of depression and keep moving forward.

Valuable advice. Thank you.

reply to post by smyleegrl


I don't know if this will help you but it helps me. I have to believe that everything in my life happened for a reason. In every situation there is a perpetrator and a victim. And no one escapes judgment.

The problem with believing in God is why do bad things happen to good people? So do we have to forgive the perpetrator, ourselves, God, who do we have to forgive to move on? Or is it merely impossible to regain the love found in innocence when the innocence has been stripped away?

In the bible God claims to be the author of good and evil. Meaning he credits himself for everything that has ever happened, because through free will and foreknowledge he knew what was going to happen to you and did nothing to prevent it.

You can live apart from God and be upset and confused or you can open yourself up for the rest of the pain that you live with. Go on your nature hike and reflect, what the **** is the purpose of this God. Why did you let this happen? What do you expect me to do with all these misplaced emotions that you allowed me to have? Blame God, ask why, it sounds like you might be on the verge of understanding.

When you cried out you were looking for love and justification and that is what you found. Your release has helped you through your day. Is there more you could be doing? Are you strong enough to help others? I've know several people who have taken what God let happen to them, and turned into their purpose in life. They become teachers and advocates against the abuse, or they simply mentor the young people in their church and community who have suffered through similar pain.

God says he never puts anyone through more than he gives them spirit to stand up. For some there is another way out, but you have already decided that you must remain for your family. Continue to share yourself with others, and try to find a purpose for the pain, and a release like talking, music, or exercise.

If God is truly the author of all things good and bad, surely there is a purpose. Many things have happened to me in my life that have shaped my view on things. I was sexually abused as a young boy, left by my father at 5, watched my step dad destroy my mother with one affair after another, losing her to psychiatric medication and moving away when I was 16. From 16-20 I was up and down, drugs, homeless, about as low as it could get.

The next 18 years of my life included three women, engagement and two marriages. All three had multiple affairs before I ended the relationships. I have literally lived through hell thanks to my life choices and the life choices of others.

The only cure, Love. Real love, forgiving God for everything, even the things that make no since to anyone. I hope that I can use the pain to help those who are still lost find their way back to love. I know you believe in love, I read many of your posts. You can regain the love of innocence but first you must accept that God finds you innocent.

Jesus promised that you could approach love as innocent, I know you are repentant for the wrong you may have caused so accept that love can overcome. You must search the spirit of love for answers through prayer. What can you do to let love replace the pain.

Maybe believing in the love of God and a life with purpose, the purpose to love, does not help everyone. But it is the only thing that ever helped me. Because no amount of "what you feel is normal", ever made me feel normal. My natural state is to love, and separating myself from love because of my life choices and others was simply no longer an option. I was empty to the point of death, and it was only love that brought me back.

Originally posted by smyleegrl
Just have to overcome the inertia of depression and keep moving forward.

Yes, and I know what you mean about the inertia. It feels like a downward spiral that you think you'll never get out of because you don't have the usual tools at hand. You feel broken, and you are missing something vital that you cannot imagine ever regaining for the life of you.

But be careful about trying to move forward too fast. You may even have to take a step backwards before you can go forward. You really need to be gentle to yourself right now. Focus on the child you used to be, and still carry with you, and how innocent and pure it is. Look at what it wants and give it with all your love. It will come right back to you. I promise!

You need God, only God can bring the peace and joy that passes understanding. the things of life can only provide temporary relief but God brings permanant fulfillment.

Phillipians 4:4 4Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. 5Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. 6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Think on These Things

8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Psalms 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.

God made you, he knows you inside and out and he can help you and wants to help you and loves you more than you can ever know. the first step is to take a leap of faith and accept him as your lord and savior, and repent of your sins.

say this prayer: God in the name of Jesus forgive me of my sins, I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.


At the exact moment you are forgiven, he forms a new creation in you, puts his love in your heart and makes all things new. from there on you need to start reading your bible, start with the book of John which is my favorite.


*if you reject what i'm saying to you, God still loves you but can only go so far as your willling to let him.

I'm unsure as how to respond to such, even though this is very familiar to what I see near every day. Wherever this started, there's always an end to it, depending on what you're willing to do to make yourself happy. Lemme tell ya something.

I've been in that boat my entire life. Everything must be in constant motion, change must be present every moment in life for me to sustain a state of happiness, or else I lose it. Fast. And I do mean, fast.
Q. Why not pursue what you love doing? Because this isn't everchanging as boredom overshadows me eventually, and not eventually as in "Maybe an hour or three later", I'm talking about less than 20 minutes. Then, I become unhappy. This is a wheel I'm unable to keep greased, for very long.
Q. Aren't you at fault? Are you doing this to yourself? I never chose to be born with whatever this curse may be, for if I knew before-hand, I'd never be here to begin with. Why must my friends be "happy for no reason", and me the opposite? Unsure. Maybe it's not my fault, and just some imbalance I'm born with? Nothing traumatic has happened in my life to manifest such toxins, circulating continuously.
I've come to the conclusion that my lifespan may be quite short, given such circumstances as an endless roamer, without a centerpiece, conclusion that zombies exist only under the concept of being alive, whilst dead. Often insensitive, cold, coarse, incendiary. Uncaring. Simply, I'm related to the Hungry Ghosts, as I might never get to enjoy the simple fruits and hold its gleaming gems, not without sucking the emotion from life out of everything. And yet, despite those things, remaining silent on that subject, I'm said to be fun to be around and one of the most trusted individuals that one could cherish.
While it seems fairly dark from there, I managed to find a light by thinking, if I can't live for myself, why not live for someone else?(I must approach this without being vampiric) So. Love, was the answer. My answer. Something real for once, and while it might not be the only answer, this was the best one I could choose. So I chose it, and now I'm running with it.

I'm not one to express myself openly, especially where I am to be read. Despite those traumatic events you may have had in your life, you'll always have an option, and there will always be an answer. And there's always going to be a way out, even if it may be unpleasant. If one comes by, don't try to understand it, and if it's a way to make you happy. Do it. Because the time we have is very limited in this world, so you do whatever you got to do, to make "You" happy. And whatever that may be that makes you happy, you need not explain yourself, to anyone. Ever. If you're trapped in a hole, you're damn sure gonna use every tool there is you can find to get back up. That's just my thoughts, as you may see it from a different view.

Just my thoughts.

Originally posted by smyleegrl

Are you referring to the thread about the Common Core? If so....that's absurd. Which we've refuted, multiple times, in that thread.

My depression stems from a traumatic rape and low self-esteem issues. I know this. I've been dealing with this long before I started teaching.

There it is.Sexual assault is a bastard to deal with. I don't know if your assailant was a member of the family. Mine was. If your assailant was a stranger, the means I implemented to get past my rage issues might be a lot harder for you to make use of.

Now, this past year was a rough year at school. I'm at loggerheads with my administration for many reasons. This school is a toxic environment. If I cannot transfer, I will quit.

However, my depression does not mean the government is indoctrinating children through the education system. Frankly, that's a rather ridiculous comparison to make.

That's not the comparison he made. I think you know that. He was citing the possibility that the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing from working in a toxic environment, and having to contribute to the overall toxicity because of your job standards, could be exacerbating your problem(s). I have a dear friend who is a teacher in Knoxville, Tennessee. She is always at odds with her administrators because she doesn't use the 'recommended methods' to teach certain subjects, yet her kids always have the highest test scores in her school. They keep hassling her about it, and she keeps telling them to open their eyes. She's on the verge of quitting, too, because (and here's where it ties in to the conspiracy) the Government doesn't WANT high-achieving kids. They have set everything up to make mediocrity the goal.

Surely that bothers you at least a little bit?

Seriously god people, you're not helping.

You probably think that you are, but you're not.

Let me tell you what you ARE doing.
It's what bible-bashers do best.
You are preying on someone who has had the courage to admit her current state of weakness, and you are using that weakness as a lever to peddle your beliefs. You probably are'nt doing this intentionally, but it's still wrong.

Not only is it disrespectfull, it is also quite revolting.

To the OP : This isn't very original, but it is true. Things will get better. You just need to hang in there. Always try to remind yourself of this. It will get better. That helped me, I hope it will help you.

Hey smylee girl, when I wrote about my illness, I got a little tired with people posting miracle cures or alternative medicines, so I post this with that in mind.

In the UK the national institute for health and care excellcelence (NICE), have been using MBSR as a recommended treatment for stress and depression. If your are at your wits end then, this may be something you could look into. Many studies have been done to prove that is just as effective as anti depressants, with less likely chance of falling back into depression

MINDFULNESS-BASED STRESS REDUCTION (MBSR) is the best known and largest stress reduction programme in the world. The benefits of Mindfulness are recognised by leading scientific and medical organisations; inc NICE [the UK’s Institute for Clinical Excellence

www.mindfulness-mbsr.com...

mbct.co.uk...


Good luck

That's not the comparison he made. I think you know that. He was citing the possibility that the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing from working in a toxic environment, and having to contribute to the overall toxicity because of your job standards, could be exacerbating your problem(s). I have a dear friend who is a teacher in Knoxville, Tennessee. She is always at odds with her administrators because she doesn't use the 'recommended methods' to teach certain subjects, yet her kids always have the highest test scores in her school. They keep hassling her about it, and she keeps telling them to open their eyes. She's on the verge of quitting, too, because (and here's where it ties in to the conspiracy) the Government doesn't WANT high-achieving kids. They have set everything up to make mediocrity the goal. Surely that bothers you at least a little bit?

reply to post by seamus


Yes, it does bother me. I see it all the time, incompetence and apathy. However, I'm not sure I agree that its a conspiracy by the government. I think its more of stupid bureaucratic thing than an intentional dumbing things down.

I don't do what the school wants when it comes to my students, I teach what they need. Their growth consistently shows this. But I'm tired of fighting it, tired of trying to make a difference, tired of being told over and over and over that I'm just plain wrong.

I'm not sure I have much more of a future in public education. What I will do with myself if I leave, I do not know. I love working with children and helping others. In fact, helping others has always been a life goal of mine (when I was religious I wanted to be a missionary).

I don't know.

reply to post by smyleegrl


I used to suffer from anxiety and depression to, nothing to the severity that you have described but it did heavily effect my life.My first suggestion would be to keep getting off the meds there obviously not helping, so just get off of them to kick any of the side effects.

My second suggestion and most important one would be start doing some form of physical activity that is highly structured and that you can do 5 days a week (no more or less). This has been the most life changing for me because there are multiple benefits.

1. Doing a challenging activity, and accomplishing it gives self worth.
2. physical activity releases stress reducing hormones.
3. physical activity promotes body health which promotes a healthy state of mind.
4. preparing for your days activities and for setting new goals keeps your mind occupied.

my third suggestion eat healthy, no processed foods what so ever. if you don't like to cook or don't have the time just don't eat fancy. my diet manly consists of potatoes and sweet potatoes which i just boil and mash (never use microwaves for food ever), chicken, eggs, vegetables, and lots of good fats. get a meal app like" my fitness pal" and make sure your taking in enough carbs and fats when ever i stray on my diet emotions start to rise especially when i don't eat enough carbs.

Take a decent multivitamin. I take a multi plus vitamin D3, 5-HTP, and acetyl l-carnitine. acetyl l-carnitine has basically changed my life I have been taking it for 4-5 months now and it has basically cured my ADD.

I'm sorry your having a hard time, and I don't want you to think I'm trying to tell you what to do. I am just suggesting what has worked for me. keep pushing yourself and you'll get through this.

reply to post by bigcountry08


Also, magnesium. Magnesium is your friend.

Originally posted by smyleegrl
Hello, ATS,

It's summer, schools almost over for two months, and I'm laying in bed crying my eyes out.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Why do I feel so damn sad all the time?

I've been on antidepressants since college. Been on anti-anxiety meds for three years. Been on Seroquel for almost three years. Guess what. It. Doesn't. Help. All I do is numbly go thru my day.

There's no joy in life. Nothing to look forward too. Nothing I want, except to stop feeling at all. No, I'm not suicidal, although there are days when I do wish all of this was over. I'm tired of it. Tired. Tired. So damn tired.

Told the doctor I wanted off the Seroquel, which she was giving me to help me sleep. I want off all these meds. Titrating down from Seroquel but it has to be slow or you risk long term damage. Or so I've heard.

Had some kind of stomach bug for a week. Today was the first day I've kept food down since last Monday. Not been able to take any of my medicine all week...couldn't keep it down. I will not restart the Seroquel or the anxiety meds. I did take the antidepressant today.

My emotions are on overdrive. Is this a result of the week with no meds? Is it withdrawal? Am I just a damaged human being and this is all I will ever know in life.....fear, sadness, sadness, sadness? I feel so guilty even asking that, me who has so much more than so many others. A family, a job, a home, a wonderful child....who am I to complain? I'm an ungrateful POS. there are millions who would love to have this as their only problems.

Locked myself in the bathroom and had a good cry trying not to scare my husband and son. They're downstairs laughing at a batman movie. Good I don't want my son to know me like this. He wouldn't understand that crying helps me regain some sort of control.

Will it always be like this? Traumatic triggers and crying in the bathroom? Medicine doesn't work. Therapy hasn't worked and I have to stop anyway. My son needs therapy for his autism and we can't afford both.

Is there anyone else out there struggling like this? How do you get through it, the endless days and fathomless nights, never looking forward to anything? How do you cope with feeling too much and yet not feeling at all? How do you live your life as a contradiction in terms?

If reincarnation is real, I must have been Hitler in my past life.

Here's some advice. Get off the internet, quit reading conspiracy theories that make you think the world is coming to an end and get outside and enjoy life! You're not going to get anywhere bathing in self pity. Stop victimizing yourself and do something to change yourself. Don't let your mind control you, control your damn mind!

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hi there, I know exactly how you feel and believe me most of those who write don't really understand what are you going trough (and I really hope they never have to). Even when the reasons might be very different the symptoms seem to be the same. in my case the catalyzer has been a lot of injustices created by those in charge in my place of work, ill be writing a thread later to grasp the ATSers opinion. Anyways what I would really like to recommend you and it really made a difference in me, was the gradual detachment of prescription drugs and the start of a Liposomal Vitamin C regime. I know there's a lot of different opinions regarding this but I'm telling you what helped me. There are a few threads on this here on ATS. I really hope you get over it and find the true meaning in life. Think of it as a ride, just hang in there it'll be over soon. Best of luck!!

Only solution is get the hell out of the house/room.

Friends and activity will keep your mind off things, especially if the activity makes you tired, like gym, sports, etc.

Come home tired, shower and you will have a goodnight sleep and the next morning would feel amazing.

If your friends are on a tight schedule than nature is the next solution, go hiking in a greenery... my fav place is river stream on a sunny morning.


Medication is just delaying the discomfort, it will never "fix" you.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Good to get off those meds. You have to find the cause of the depression. There is one whether or not your realize it. I've gone through it and it's best to feel it than try to numb it out.

In very extreme cases of depression they used to (and sometimes still do) administer opiates. It's risky because of addiction but it bumps up the right chemicals in your brain. You might need a big life change. Obviously you should talk to your husband.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hi smyleegrl, I'm so sorry your still having so much pain. I've been following your posts and although I tend to not post to much I do want to let you know your not alone.

I too have been dealing with this monster we call depression for most of my life. I have a Masters Degree in Nursing and had to leave my career that I had worked so long and hard for and cared so deeply about because I became so completely incapacitated by my illness.

Over the years I have taken every imaginable anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and sleeping aid on the market because my psychiatrist said they would help me, and of course I took them because after all he was the doctor and he had my best interest in mind.

After 25 years of of living in my own special kind of hell I decided that there was something fundamentally wrong going on, why in the hell were these drugs making me feel worse then better? I remember back to the time when I first started taking them. I was depressed, but no where near how horribly bad I was at this point. My god, I had to give up my nursing career! I was completely incapacitated at this point!

PLEASE KNOW THAT WHAT I"M GOING TO TELL YOU IS NOT ADVISE, I WOULD NEVER RECOMMEND THAT ANYONE DO WHAT I DID.

8 months ago I completely stopped taking EVERYTHING all at once, fired my psychiatrist, stopped eating ALL processed foods, started eating organic. I take St. John's Wort twice a day as a natural mood enhancer, Valerian root every night as a natural sleep aid. I now walk 4 miles every morning, I have lost 100 pounds in the last 8 months.

I totally believe that I just might be able to return to work in as little as 6 months rather then put a bullet through my skull. There is light at the end of the tunnel and a way out smyleegrl.

The one thing that no one has touched on is the need to go through the process of mourning. Yes you do need to mourn the loss of YOU. The old you, the person that you were in the days before the monster came and took you away. Once you pass that hurdle and accept that that person has moved on and now there is a new you, you can face anything with the strength of your new self.

reply to post by smyleegrl


We've been through this before. Did you get off all the meds? You are correct they don't help.

Regarding therapy--if you go to a psychiatrist they just give you more pharma--you know it doesn't work.

Regarding your son--please get a second opinion, if he really needs therapy get it for him, not you.

Go outside more. I know its hot where you are but do it in the late evening after it cools off.

Other options--make friends with other moms and go on play dates with your son and the other moms and kids

Go the smokies with the fam, you are close.

Take your son panning for Gold.

Go see some caverns in the smokies area- its always cool underground

Take a trip to see the old light house on the coast.

I'll put more advice later.

Your a teacher, stuck in a room full of kids all day....I'd be suicidal

Try a molybdenum supplement but ask your doctor if it will interfere with your meds first. 150 percent RDA may help. Some multivitamins have this much.

Originally posted by rickymouse
Your a teacher, stuck in a room full of kids all day....I'd be suicidal

Its worse now because she's on summer break with more time on her hands to think

I'll talk with you via U2U ...
It's better than on the boards for me ....