I'll Never Get Past My Depression, Will I

Hello, ATS,

It's summer, schools almost over for two months, and I'm laying in bed crying my eyes out.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Why do I feel so damn sad all the time?

I've been on antidepressants since college. Been on anti-anxiety meds for three years. Been on Seroquel for almost three years. Guess what. It. Doesn't. Help. All I do is numbly go thru my day.

There's no joy in life. Nothing to look forward too. Nothing I want, except to stop feeling at all. No, I'm not suicidal, although there are days when I do wish all of this was over. I'm tired of it. Tired. Tired. So damn tired.

Told the doctor I wanted off the Seroquel, which she was giving me to help me sleep. I want off all these meds. Titrating down from Seroquel but it has to be slow or you risk long term damage. Or so I've heard.

Had some kind of stomach bug for a week. Today was the first day I've kept food down since last Monday. Not been able to take any of my medicine all week...couldn't keep it down. I will not restart the Seroquel or the anxiety meds. I did take the antidepressant today.

My emotions are on overdrive. Is this a result of the week with no meds? Is it withdrawal? Am I just a damaged human being and this is all I will ever know in life.....fear, sadness, sadness, sadness? I feel so guilty even asking that, me who has so much more than so many others. A family, a job, a home, a wonderful child....who am I to complain? I'm an ungrateful POS. there are millions who would love to have this as their only problems.

Locked myself in the bathroom and had a good cry trying not to scare my husband and son. They're downstairs laughing at a batman movie. Good I don't want my son to know me like this. He wouldn't understand that crying helps me regain some sort of control.

Will it always be like this? Traumatic triggers and crying in the bathroom? Medicine doesn't work. Therapy hasn't worked and I have to stop anyway. My son needs therapy for his autism and we can't afford both.

Is there anyone else out there struggling like this? How do you get through it, the endless days and fathomless nights, never looking forward to anything? How do you cope with feeling too much and yet not feeling at all? How do you live your life as a contradiction in terms?

If reincarnation is real, I must have been Hitler in my past life.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Awww hell, ma'am. You'll be okay. Really.

You're standing in a downpour wondering if you'll ever feel dry again. It does stop raining. You will feel dry. It does get better.

It does. Honest.

Take a tip from your son. Stop looking at the big picture. It gets overwhelming. Look at the small things, the things you can accomplish. Hug your husband, your child. Enjoy a cup of coffee and that's it. Don't overwhelm yourself.

(My wife went through something similar a while back, it does get better)

reply to post by smyleegrl


Its probably hard for you to believe but man you are very luck to have what you have.And i find it hard in what you have written to see what is making you so upset. Am not trying to be hard on you its not me.But sometime things can get on top of you and it feels like no one is there to help and to care BUT you have the ATS'er here to help.

Hope you can help yourself and make things better

hello mate

cheer up.... life is too short

look... depression could be a health issue
if so, i gaurantee a morning swim will work

if the depression is overwheling..use it to your advantage...ie yoga or meditate
go on a journey to find out what you really want from life

your probably at the age where your brains screaming out for you to do something...

peace...and play some bob marley music

reply to post by smyleegrl


There is still room for progress in medical science.

You shouldn't be so gloomy about the future.

First, I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

What worked for me, and it took a while, but you have to quit waiting for someone to help you/fix you.
You have to fix yourself.

I found a new job, it changed who I am, I am still "mom", but I am "me" too. I am the same person, but totally different.

My ex-husband loves who I am today, and so do my kids. I hope you find that person before your husband is an "ex". I wish I had.

reply to post by smyleegrl

Here's an article describing new study of depression which reveals that we got it all wrong, and why your therapy doesn't work.
Depression stems from miscommunication between brain cells
It would be great for you to get off from those chemicals, but considering how long you've been taking them it would be hard but achievable goal for strong person like you.
Good luck to you and your family.

reply to post by smyleegrl


I have battled it myself for over 45 years. Still fighting.
You must soldier on, the alternative sucks more than your current reality.

I guess my question is,.
what is your diet like
what do you eat and drink the most of?

Oh boy, does your story sound familiar! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I've dealt with depression since I was pre-teen. I've been on a slur of different meds including your Seroquel. Boy did I hate that. For every person the answer is different I believe. But for me, I decided about 10 years ago to quit all the meds: anti-depressants, psychotropics, anxiety pills and sleeping pills. (too many names to list)

There were very strong reasons in the past that necessitated those drugs.(physical and past issues) The thing is, I very quickly realized while they were trying to balance one thing, they were severely screwing up another part of me. I decided to quit relying on them. It wasn't easy, in fact the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Soon I began to cleanse my body, eat more healthy, live more healthy. Use natural medicines.That took time to get into the habit.
Then I read anything and everything I could get my hands on. Every subject. I kept my mind busy,in an effort to retrain my mind away from constant negative thoughts. (part of the journey that led me to ATS)
I rid myself of negative influences. (critical family, etc)

Long story short, I still get depressed today but boy do I deal much much better. It passes so much faster. I barely have time to think about it.

What ever you decided to do that applies to you, I guarantee you will see a difference in your life, an improvement.

Just don't give up! Don't criticize yourself! Don't let guilt direct you. Treat yourself lovingly, like you treat the people you love. And your emotional mind will respond.

That's what helped me. I truly Hope you find your way.

you seem very strong and i wish you luck in your struggles. Since these traditional medicines are not working for you you may want to try another type of treatment. Give a look into shaman style treatments. Very unorthodox. Once again good luck.

reply to post by zilebeliveunknown


I completely agree with this.
Excellent point and thank you for the source.

Yes, Yes you will.
And I'm sorry with what your going through. Depression is a serious illness. I'm not sure the meds address the cause that well, as opposed to treating the symtems. Withdraw from those medications definatly play games on the mind.

I can't even take Chantrix for 2 days without having dreams that I don't want to have to quit smoking.
I'd rather not smoke, but I'd rather smoke then have those horrific dreams. My mind does not like that drug.

A close family member has had issues with all antidepressent meds including seriquel. They're now off 'most" of the meds now. And the situation was worse during detox then the original problem they were treated for.

They said they were depressed and "BAM"... 5 perscriptions.... Terrible....

I can only offer you encourgement to try and get through the depression to the best of your ability.
If the meds help, take them, if you don't think so, I'm not going to tell you stop taking them.
I'm no Doctor.

Your an ATS member.... there's always hope and skeptism here. Your one of US!!!! I still don't know if that's good or bad. I suffer depression everytime I read through weak threads on here. That's why I don't start any.... I just add lame comments... this is different.
Good Luck.

How physically active are you? A friend who had problems with depression told me once that when she felt bad, she would go outside for a long walk. She always felt better afterward. She kind of got addicted to jogging, because she felt so good when she was exercising regularly. I believe she even got off all her meds.

These are just my thoughts and you are free to discard them if they do not apply.

Some people are "addicted to misery" and get into a place that they cannot seem to get out of. I'm not a professional, but do have very personal experience with this condition.

At some level, you may not believe that you deserve to have happiness. So, no matter how much you try to appreciate all the wonderful things in your life, you will not be happy, because you feel you are not worthy of them.

Let me tell you. Not only do you deserve to be happy, but your husband deserves to be happy and to have a happy wife. And your son deserves to have a happy mom. But until you really GET that you are worthy of happiness, you may continue to be addicted to misery. It's what you know. It's what you're comfortable with.

I know for a fact that it can be overcome. Don't lose hope. Don't give up. You're on a rocky path, but it leads to a great place. And you deserve that life.

Read about "addiction to misery" and see what you think.

I wish you all the best. And if you want to talk, you know where to find me.

reply to post by smyleegrl


I fight the battle daily as well. I eventually self medicated myself into hell.

I find solace in "the group" not a cure but it damn sure helps!

reply to post by smyleegrl


Awww smyleegrl!

I can relate to this. I fought depression for years, almost my entire life. Eventually I had to go on the meds for a long time. All the meds did for me in the long run was make me a zombie of apathy.My anxiety shot up with the meds, and then they gave me meds for anxiety, which seemed to make the depression worse. My situation is different though, but I can relate. I hated the sadness, the crying at the drop of a hat, the days where I just didn't want to do anything because I just didn't care about anything. The sadness was overwhelming a lot of the time.
I know you are feeling ill and I am glad you can keep things down today! As the illness clears, and you can keep your meds down, you will start to feel better, you just gotta chug through it until it passes.

Are you seeing a regular doctor or a psychiatrist?
If you are seeing a regular doctor, I would suggest a psychiatrist as they are much better equipped to understand and help you to find the right medications for your depression.

I found with myself, that the regular doctor did not know what he was doing with the brain meds, when I went and saw a psychiatrist, he got me on the proper ones after years of trying med after med after med.

Just know we all support you, and no matter what, you got us all on ATS to help cheer you up, even though I understand that is not really all that helpful when you are in the deep blues.

My wife RosesAreRed also deals with deep depression, and is not on any medication, but manages to cope as best she can although some days are hard for her.

I eventually got off of the medication myself, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
But if you are not seeing a psychiatrist, I highly suggest you do as they are best equipped to give you the right brain medications.

I have been medication free and depression free for many years now,(Thanks to Roses) and found for myself, that the situation I was in, was one of the real causes for it, but like I said, my situation was different.

Roses and I both support you, hang in there! It will pass and you will feel better!

Here, to help you along!

We love you!

reply to post by smyleegrl


Depression is a real monster, sadly you are taking many medications and see no results. While is many explanations of why a person suffer from this sickness is ways to liberate yourself from the drugs and the problems.

Trial and error, is not easy way to this just different things to do in a way to try and get rid of it for good.

Diet, (sometimes simple food items, or additive in processed food, can be toxic to us without we knowing but it and shows as depression and anxiety, allergies, rashes and so on,) natural medicine, exercises like yoga, meditation, can help.

It takes time and will power to give time to other ways like diet and natural medicine to have effects, but it does works.

If you went cold turkey on your medications is just like any dependancy, the body will want those medications again.

Your symptoms will get worst, that means your depression will get worst, but once the medications are out of your body you will feel better.

You should never do this alone, perhaps working with somebody that will watch over you is safer, also getting a doctor of natural medicine can help you get over this, but never, never you should do this alone.

I had an encounter with depression and anxiety, spend many times in the emergency room, was given plenty of anti depressants and anxiety medications, but because I am big on natural medicine I never got into any of them, natural medicine worked for me.

Hey Smylee,

Strange you should just post this now - I've found my self in a similar situation..

Last month I finally admitted to my self that I have Anxiety Disorder. I've had it since I split with my abusive ex nearly 4 years ago.

I guess it was brought on due to the fact he lived and worked locally - and when I would see him, or pass by him these attacks would begin.

Pounding heart, hot flushes, cold shakes, sweating, nervousness etc etc.

It took two and a half years for these to calm down in his presence, and yet to this day I can still suffer random 'panic attacks' with underlying anxiety always remaining - with no triggering catalyst.

As for the last 8 months we have exchanged 'pleasantries' when passing each other. I'm glad to say he no longer triggers the attacks in my self...However I have noticed these attacks now occur in other social situations I would rather avoid...Even when there is no rational reason for me to be fearful. Most occasions i'm bold as brass - so these random attacks are irritating to say the least.

Over the course of 4 years I have never sought help over this issue, I've had a stressful few years that include not being in steady accommodation, nearly loosing my mother, burying my father - and bad experiences with men....Telling the doctor all these underlying causes of stress/anxiety isn't something I really want to discuss - I generally don't like to discuss my feelings.

Having said that, two doctors I have seen for unrelated purposes have noticed my nervous twitch (constantly rolling my fingers on my left hand),and picked up on my OCD of having to constantly play with something whilst talking... I closed them off at the point of further conversation..but after having my last attack just last Friday, and getting sore knuckles from my twitch..I certainly think it's time I addressed this issue.

As I have told my doctors -I am completely against pharmaceuticals (one doctor actually nodded her head in agreement)..You can't fix mental issues with chemicals!!

What I need to do is learn to express and share my feelings. I took the first step the other week in telling somebody something I have been wanting to tell them for the last 2 years. A big breakthrough!

I'm currently dating a very nice man who I was with when I had my last attack (not because of him lol)...He was trying to be comforting and asked me how I was but I closed him off...Tomorrow I'm going to try and tell him exactly what that 'attack' was all about.

I hope that then lifts a weight from my shoulders.

In regards to other methods - last year I made a conscious effort to meditate, it took a few months to calm my mind enough and to learn how to NOT get distracted within the first 2 minutes aha....

But I kept at it..and it worked wonders. I had peace of mind.

I was skeptical before my success, but I can't deny it didn't help.

My life style has been a bit wild these last few months, so no meditation, as soon as I've calmed down again by next month, I intend to proceed with my meditation.

Sorry for rambling - but a problem shared is a problem halved!

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hi Smylee,
The old psych saw "Depression is nothing but misdirected anger" is so true.
There are very evil things out there that greatly affect us that we have no power over--
and there's nowhere almost all the time to go with the anger except inside with it.

Over time and a little honest reflection the stuff that was getting me down was
avoided, even some of the ugly subject matter around here. But it conversely had more
to do than with my personal habits... but I changed almost all of them with great success.

I'm not preaching a complete rebuild to anyone, or getting rid of 'comfort level' stuff. I even
have a couple of my old hobbies around and actually enjoy them more now... the important
thing was to get busy. It took almost four years for me to back out, and say "That really IS
them doing it and not me!"

The best cure for depression in my experience is to get busy somewhere else I can make
a difference. You make such a big positive difference already that's going to be a tough
shopping trip. But most important is to never give up. After 6 months of bouncing around and
spending half again as much as I don't have, there's a second interview tomorrow with a
plant manager... probably a job offer. That wouldn't have happened if I stayed 'home'.
In fact you make a big difference without knowing it most times. One time you did here.

They can pry at your rivets a little, but they'd be fools to think they could hurt you