I'll Never Get Past My Depression, Will I

reply to post by smyleegrl


:-) Well I think it's okay to make a thread about it if you need support. We are a community, right? Who come together over a common interest - conspiracy theories? Sometimes we need to put down our differences and be reminded that each other are human.

Originally posted by Visceral
I can honestly say I know exactly what you are feeling. I struggle with depression and it is the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my entire life. It is such a struggle just to get out of bed every day, and once I force myself to get up I spend the entire day wishing that the day was over and I was in bed. I am ashamed to admit it, but I have thought ahout suicide quite a bit, but it is not something I would do simply because I could not abandon my wife & children. If they were not in the picture, I'm sure I'd be gone by now.

I wish I had some advice for you. Nobody deserves to go through such hell. Good luck to you. I hope you find a way out!

You know, I've danced with life long depression as well. I hate getting out of bed in the morning too (in fact hate going to bed because 'tommorrow is coming'.

It's helps to get up, consistantly, go to work (whatever that may be - for money - for free - learning - gardening) and walk through the day while practising not listening to the stories I tell myself about yesterday or tomorrow or what ifs and should have beens, all that clattrap.

And it takes consistant practise. Mindfulness not only of your actions but of your 'self-talk' as well is the beginning and once you start to see (hear? perceive?) the junk you are thinking about you can start to take control and think about what you are doing right now.

Some helpful authors include: Eckhart Tolle, Emmet Fox, Pema Chrodon, Sylvia Boorstein. And many others. But - and this was key for me - reading about it didn't change me - it wasn't until I started talking to others and learning from other people how they did it (in groups and one on one) did I start to practise - in small ways at first and now in better ways.

I still have trouble 'coming down' from an emotional bender of anger or fear - but I know it will pass and that it's not me and not my life - it's just a physical reaction to poor mental hygiene and the habits of a lifetime.

Originally posted by smyleegrl
reply to post by FyreByrd

 

I have an addictive personality. I know it, and this is why I never drink alcohol and I've never smoked a cigarette. Nor will I.

Thank you for your post. It's given me a lot of hard questions to answer for myself, but that's good.

But the problem is still there and will continue to be there until you take action to treat it.

And about "not worrying your son" - he knows something is wrong (especially if he's autistic - they sense everything). It's will not help him 'interact with the world' if he sees his mother not 'interacting with him'. Children can be remarkablly insightful and unintentionally cruel but honest about what they see and feel.

Trying to 'control' his 'world' is rather silly when you cannot 'control' your own, don't you think? It can be a way (another way) of avoiding dealing with core issues.

Originally posted by smyleegrl

This time though, look at your thoughts, do not seek to shut them out, do not seek to pay them more attention, but just accept them as being there. Now the goal here, is to try to visualize the thoughts passing through your head as if they were on a steady stream, drifting. What you will notice is that the thoughts, as long as you dont hold on to them, will begin drifting down the stream, and the next thought comes in, and it too will drift away. Picture them coming and going, always moving, to and from your awareness.

In this practice, you will come to see that the thoughts you have are not you, for they arise, and then they leave on their own. Throughout the course of your meditation, ask yourself, was there any thought that stayed with me through the entirety of the meditation? Also, in the back of your mind, keep one pointed concentration, this could be keeping the thought of relaxation, or keeping your thought on just the breath of your body. So, you learn to anchor your mind with this one pointed concentration, and you learn to let your thoughts flow effortlessly.

reply to post by preludefanguy

 

Okay, thanks. I will try this tonight after a hot bath when kiddo is in bed. I'm assuming it will take awhile to actually get good at it, but I'm willing to give it a go.

Thanks again, I appreciate it.

You don't 'try' to mediate - you just practise mediating - there is no goal - there is no prize - there is no finish line. Just consistant practise - and you can mediate or be mind-ful anywhere doing anything.

Give yourself the slack you would give a friend - or you son.

reply to post by FyreByrd



You are right...it does help a little if I keep busy, but its so hard finding the motivation.

I was on Paxil for a while, it was not something I'd recommend. Coming off of it sucked. Panic attacks and feeling of electrcal shocks through my body. Anything that can do that cant be good imo.

Thx for your reply.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hi.

Have you considered that your depression is a comorbid symptom of another condition or disorder?
I suffered for many years with depression and anxiety. I didn't cry too much (I'm a guy after all ) but I did have emotional swings, high anxiety and mild OCD. It turns out that, that after trying many drugs, some of which helped a little, some made it worse, and others did nothing we discovered what was really going on.

I have ADHD. I'm an adult now, in my mid thirties, and I was finally diagnosed when I turned 30 after years of treatments that didn't work. My depression and anxiety were comorbid symptoms of the underlying ADHD.
I probably had it as a child (as my grades sucked in high school despite honestly trying hard) but was never diagnosed, as we didn't have the greatest healthcare growing up.

I only bring it up as it's always good to explore other conditions and/or disorders with your doctor. If you have been treated for depression for so long with no improvement - and let me tell you that you, and only you can judge wether or not your life has improved - that you should consider the possibility that your depression is a side of effect of another problem. Mine was ADHD. Maybe yours is too? We don't know - but you should explore this with your doctor / pyschiatrist.

I'm very sorry you are going through this, especially for so long. I don't know about you but when I'm in such states, being told "you're not alone" or "I've experienced the same thing" doesn't really help me any, so I don't want to assume it would help you either. But I also don't want to assume it won't, either.

So for whatever it's worth, I too have had these kinds of cyclical, seemingly never-ending depressive periods as well. Where everything just seems pointless, futile, miserable, and endlessly painful. I also have triggers - specific associations with powerful memories, mainly, but they can come out of nowhere and from the most innocuous or unrelated things sometimes - that initiate these periods. I know it can seem insurmountable. Especially if you are responsible for caring for others around you who also have challenges and burdens.

And it's definitely something that has gone on for long enough, with concerted efforts at therapy and medication, off and on and under consistent care for going on 18 years, that it does sometimes feel like it will never end and that this is just my nature and my lot in life. Exercise used to help a lot, but as I get older it seems to help less. I can feel good physically, and yet still feel atrocious mentally.

Music helps take me out of myself enough to be calm, at least. Sometimes that's all that helps me. Music, and time, and allowing myself the necessary space and time to process what I'm feeling until it stabilizes and "flattens back out" as I call it. (From heightened, unusually intense emotional norms, to "flatter" ones.) For what it's worth, at least in my case it does pass. It's usually precipitated by something (though not always,) and then eventually passes. But until it does, it's a nightmare. I hope yours passes as well.

I hope you find your happiness and peace again soon. I wish you all the best. Peace.

reply to post by smyleegrl


I haven't read the whole thread but here are some things that helped me. I used to suffer from depression and took Effexor. 'Tis no more and I'm now as happy as a clam and beam with constant positive energy.

1). You know when people are hallucinating, they say the way to overcome it is to tell yourself 'it's not real.' So, using that logic, when I began to have bouts of negative thoughts and depression, laying in bed rolling around crying for no reason, I'd tell myself 'this isn't real.' ...It's a bad chemical deficiency, an allergic reaction to something I ate, PMS/hormones, Nicotine/Caffeine effects, etc. That would help me snap out of the funk once I let myself understand nothing was really wrong and 'it isn't real.'

2). Fresh air! Being outdoors is phenomenal. And not necessarily just sitting around. Be outside and do something active. Almost my whole life I worked out and did all of my exercise indoors. I still do for certain things but I do as much as possible outside. Instead of jogging on a treadmill, I now jog at the park. Instead of a stair climber, I now go hiking. Pass up the rowing machine for a kayak. Ignore the stationary bike for a real one, etc. Of course, I'm sure you know general cardio increases endorphins and circulation. You don't have to spend hours grueling away every day. A simple 30 minute brisk walk outside can do wonders if that is all you can squeeze in. I'd avoid weight lifting right now and just focus on cardio. Weights can place a strain on the body's chemicals like cortisol while cardio enhances moods.

3). Eating healthy, whole, unprocessed foods. The junk we put into our bodies is insane! I know people believe healthy eating is more work- and sometimes it is. But it doesn't always have to be. Sometimes I spend 3 hours making a gourmet dinner, something I spend 20 minutes throwing something together. But either way it's all clean, whole ingredients. Eating a small cup of grapes is just as easy as eating a bag of chips. Tossing a kick ass salad together with all the healthy fixings takes 10 minutes. Going through the drive thru for cheeseburgers takes 15. In the time it takes you to order a pizza and wait for it to be delivered, you could have baked some fresh salmon in the oven and whipped up some whole wheat pasta and cubed cantaloupe.

4). Try to find the good in everything! Easier said than done sometimes but it helps. Depressed about your body? Compare yourself to a fatter person- not a super model. Upset your house is a mess? Think about the people living in tents right now because they were foreclosed on. My whole life I compared myself to those better off than me and I was miserable! Now I compare myself to those less fortunate and realize just how much we are blessed.

Hope the above brings you some help.

reply to post by smyleegrl


it's mind a thing. just by saying, I feel sad, then you'll be sad. let go of emotions. Understand and acknowledge them but then let them go. It's not worth it to keep them inside or think about them all the time.

You create your own happiness. If you seek happiness outward like mostly all people on earth, you will feel sad and depress. Something is missing... but if you seek inside and understand yourself you will find the light.

how? just take 10 minutes a day to relax without thinking when closing your eyes. You can't do it..? of course you can. Train your brain to not think is a good way to start.

namaste

reply to post by smyleegrl


Im probably going to say a lot of things that might sound too easy, you might have heard things a couple of times before, but im not gonna let that stop me beause youre obviously asking for it. Ow and if you feel i talk down on you, thats not my intention.

First of all do you exercise? Cause doing sports or just breaking a sweat a day or 3 a week can take those feelings away in no time.. Creates endorfines which make you feel good and clears your head real easy.

Ive read a lot of youre threads, while you probably havent noticed since i dont reply to a lot of threads, but I know youre intelligent and I think if you really think about it you should probably get an idea what exactly makes you feel down. If you can point those issues out its easier to work on them. Ow and communication is key, tell your husband or someone youre really close too. Its just not healthy to keep youre bad thoughts inside you.

I felt really down for a few years, one day i made myself a reason to live. Which was the future, Im always curious about everything so I used that to my advantage. You should do the same; stop saying to yourself theres nothing to live for: theres tons, but you should make yourself willing to live for at least one of them. Because at the moment you just dont want to live for small things, but you have to try to change this. Arent you curious what the future holds? Not just for you but for the entire world? Arent you curious what kind of man your kid will turn out to be? Arent you curious about anything the future holds?

A few years later i found out being down its just a mindset (i know this sounds to good to be true), which you can get rid off, or at least feel a lot better if you train yourself to think more positive (which isnt rocket science). The better you get at it the easier you litterally forget about how you can be depressed. Cause being depressed is actually a way of life to me. (Unless you really have bad painfull health problems ofcourse.) Because youre used to the mindset might make you think im wrong, and Im not saying its easy to flip the switch, but its possible and can even be easy to some.

This will sound harsh but try to cry less, try not to overthink everything and do try to distract yourself more when you start feeling down. If you really want to start feeling better try to push yourself to do more positive things.

And seriously stop anti-depressives; exercising is so much better against depression. If you can i want you, though you dont even know me, to give it a try. Please.

reply to post by Benevolent Heretic


thanks for that advice. I know you meant it for the OP but I looked it up and I can totally relate! Kinda sad and scary to realize it.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Smyleegrl, After reading a post that seemed to be upset with my wording in my first reply, I've been contemplating whether or not I should answer. What I've decided is that perhaps I need to clarify to you what I meant as I'm new to ATS and not trying to argue.

Your pain is real and rape is rape - a horrible act of violence. Earth Clinic just happens to have had posters who included rape under the heading of sexual abuse. No intent to down play the seriousness or horrifying affect of this crime was meant. I also had a question which I thought of later: was the rapist charged, punished, jailed, etc??? If not, perhaps your subconscious is also screaming for justice???

My suggestion to use a vitamin b supplement is based on the nervous system's need for these vitamins -- not necessarily a cure for depression by any means, but it should help heal damage to the nervous system caused by such extreme stress. My personal experience with the b vitamins was a very quick ratcheting down of anxiety and panic. (I'm not a doctor, I just read a lot, but ask your doctor about supplements.)

Now about "Heroic love:" IMO, this is the type of love where you do not sacrifice the needs of others for yourself. Again, I do not intend to down play the need to express the deepest hurt and pain (thus my suggestion to write down feelings then burn 'em!), but I applaud you for thinking of your family and not acting out what you feel in front of your son, whom I agree is too young to understand. I was also including your treatment of your husband as heroic love as it seemed to me that you did not take out your pain on him. If I were to assume something here, it would be that your husband feels deep grief, and helplessness, at what you lived through and continue to experience. Perhaps counseling for both of you would be good?

My heart still goes out to you and your family.

reply to post by RoundAbout


RoundAbout,

When I read your post I understood what you meant, and was in no way offended or hurt by your advice or suggestions. I'm sorry that you got the impression that it bothered me, it did not.

Some people have suggested that I should let my son know what's going on with me. I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen. Yes, children realize more than we give them credit for....but that doesn't mean I have to let him watch his mother have a breakdown right in front of him. I'll do my crying in private. My husband does know about everything, I was very open with him before we began to date. He's extremely supportive and lets me cry when I need too. He also understands that I need a lot of solitude, that's just part of who I am.

I never reported my rape, mainly because it was a friend of the family and I was young and ashamed. To this day my parents do not know. I did not tell my father because I honestly feared he would do something rash to the guy and end up in jail. I know better now, but when you're young you see things differently. I will not tell my parents about what happened. I've thought long and hard about this and discussed it with my husband and multiple therapists. The reason I will not tell is because it will do no good. I checked into the law of where it happened and the statute of limitations for rape has expired. Even if I tried to prosecute, there's absolutely no evidence now, 20+ years later. Same reason I will not share this with my family. All it can do is bring my parents guilt, anger, sadness....why do that to them? It won't make me feel better and frankly, knowing that they're in pain would make me feel worse. That's my final decision and I know a lot of folks will disagree with it. But I'm not putting my parents through that kind of pain when it would serve no purpose.

I always take medical and vitamin advice with a grain of salt...I meet with my doctor next week and will discuss several of the better suggestions here with her. I'm also doing my own research into alternative approaches. So we'll see what comes of that.

Your advice was given with sincerity and, I believe, genuine compassion. For that I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Originally posted by FlyersFan

Originally posted by Pinke
It's called depression. Not ungrateful-moron-syndrome.

Best post on the thread - IMHO.

There are differences between clinical depression .. PTSD ... and just being sad or stuck in a mood .. and general unhappiness. I'm seeing a lot of bad advice on this thread. Well meaning. But bad advice. To the OP .. be careful.

It takes a person who enjoys graveyards to give the right kind of advice for this situation. Please do be careful and listen to the experts!

It takes a person who enjoys graveyards to give the right kind of advice for this situation. Please do be careful and listen to the experts!

reply to post by LastStarfighter


Lol, I actually love visiting cemeteries. The older the better!

I realize I need professional help for my depression and anxiety. I'm not about to swear off doctors and hope for the best. Some of the advice might not have been very good advice, but it's nice to know that folks cared enough to reach out to a total stranger. Kinda restored my faith in humanity, even if just a little.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hi smyleegrl,

I have had depression for over 20 years and was hospitalized for it a long time ago. Please know that THERE IS HOPE--medication helps me to function normally today with a professional job and family, BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE DREAMED.

It may have been mentioned already, but consider that it is possible your depression may not be related to your circumstances in life, but due to some other (perhaps undiagnosed) disease. One of my psychiatrists theorized that depression could be 17 different diseases all with similar symptoms.

You could research the topic of forgiveness (therapy, reading, religion, etc.) and see if that is appropriate for your situation. I have never done this personally, but I hear it helps.

Reading the basics of Buddhist thought has been helpful to me; Buddhism as a philosophy is not incompatible with any religion you might have. It has taught me a new way to look at my problems and my joys.

My last suggestions have been mentioned already: diet, appropriate medication, exercises, meditation. The older I get, the more important they all become to me. They DO make a difference for me.

Don't give up the fight! It is important to be strong, for yourself, and for your family--and I know how tough, and unrealistic, and smarmy that may sound, but it is the truth.

Take care and good luck.

--Jumbles

I struggle with this. Nothing helps. Anti-depressants (wellbutrin supposedly energizes you, I take that and amphetamine). I'm a recovering heroin addict. I started abusing oxycodone when I realized it caused euphoria. Then my doctor cut me off and I switched to heroin.

I'm sober now. But all the while, I've been in an overwhelming despair. No motivation. I isolate myself. I won't sit with my spouse in the living room, or go for walks with her. I just sit in bed alone.

It reminds me of a poem by a polish writer. It's actually my favorite poem. It's called A Flamingo's Dream

-----------------------------------------------------------
WATER water water. and nothing but water
if only an inch of land! an inch of no-matter-what land!
to set one foot on. if only!

We begged the gods for that! all of them!
water gods, land gods, southern gods, northern gods,
for an inch, a strip, a scrap, of any kind of land!
no more than just to support one claw of one foot!
and nothing. only water. nothing except water.
water, water, water!
if only a speck of land!

there is no salvation.

---------------------------------

I always imagined that the water he's talking about are tears. and the land is meant to be a place of comfort. relief. just a little relief to stand on.

I find things like this, though sad, are a great emotional release for me. I don't know if you like this kind of music, but give it a chance. This is another emotional release for me. And I bet if you give it a chance, you'll think it's beautiful.

www.youtube.com...

To me, it provides an emotional release. I listen to this music and let myself release whatever hopelessness is looming over me. Please PM me if you want to speak privately for any reason. I really know what you are feeling. I really do.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Well, I've been varying levels of depressed most waking moments of my life. I am just coming out of a multi-year depression that affected my thinking as well as mood and wow, it sucked beyond words. It does make those transient happy moments mean more. Ultimately, I see it as a sign that one is thoughtful and not a complete moron as well as a sign that something is wrong with ones body.

The human condition we find ourselves in when squirted into this world is, while the only one we know, odd. We are smart enough to foresee that we will die (in this place anyway), usually in pain and horror, have to continue toward that end while taking the lives of other creatures of a similar (but usually less complex) consciousness and are always separate from our fellow man while doing it, even at the moments of extreme intimacy.

If we are lucky, we get to watch our cherished fellow humans march to their demise as well... knowing that our best guess is that our whole universe will spread out into a diffuse film of atoms and go dark in the future.

And if we grasp for comfort from higher powers, we have to wonder why they feel it necessary to inflict this ignorance on us.

But since I haven't snuffed myself I must find something worthwhile in continuing the eat, play, work, sex, defecate, sleep cycle over and over... in no particular order, btw.

I guess I'd say three things to you... 1-I'm not terribly popular at parties 2-Lower any unrealistic expectations and find wonder in the mundane and others as well as your own consciousness and 3- people's perceived well being comes, it seems, from chemicals in their head. When those chemicals are absent, or out of balance, it all seems hopeless and empty. When the right chemicals are present, it all seems meaningful and comfy. So try to balance the brain chemicals. I took some low dose anti-depressants for a few months and I did what the docs warned me against. I stopped a few months after I started feeling better. But so far so good.

I know people hate those pills, but when depressed you aren't in the state to do the healthy things that you already know you should be doing. It doesn't matter. So I finally went and got some mild help.

Also, one is bound by simple morality to hang around for the other people "doing time" with you... one can't just hurt themselves... it invariably hurts others, too, and I won't even touch on the possible metaphysical repercussions. It does suck for family that might think they are the cause, though. No matter how much you tell them it isn't their fault, they think that if they were better, you'd be happy. Yick.

Oh and the crying jags are a good sign... it's when you stare off into infinity for days without any emotion at all that things get really bad.

reply to post by DarwinVsJesus


Thank you for sharing the poem and the link. Very beautiful, indeed.

My tears are my release. A lot of people don't understand this. My husband, bless his heart, hates to see me cry. It distresses him and he always tries to cheer me up. What he doesn't realize is that after a good, sobbing, hysterical crying fit I feel so much better. I'm calmer, drained, and able to relax. So when I feel the need for a good blubbering, I do it in my bathroom by myself. This happens maybe two or three times a year.

Some days are better than others. The day I wrote this thread was one of the worst days I've had in a while. Today I've been fine...functioning normally, laughing at funny things, going on with my life. But that sadness is always there, back in a corner, like its waiting.

The human condition we find ourselves in when squirted into this world is, while the only one we know, odd. We are smart enough to foresee that we will die (in this place anyway), usually in pain and horror, have to continue toward that end while taking the lives of other creatures of a similar (but usually less complex) consciousness and are always separate from our fellow man while doing it, even at the moments of extreme intimacy.

If we are lucky, we get to watch our cherished fellow humans march to their demise as well... knowing that our best guess is that our whole universe will spread out into a diffuse film of atoms and go dark in the future.

And if we grasp for comfort from higher powers, we have to wonder why they feel it necessary to inflict this ignorance on us.

reply to post by Baddogma[/]

 

This is deeply profound. I think you just clarified what's been brewing in my mind for years.

Ultimately, we are utterly alone.