Rodney Dangerfield joke of the day

05/26/04: "I don't get no respect. The time my family played hide-n-seek, they found my mother in Pittsburgh. "

05/27/04: "What a childhood I had! When I took my first step, my old man tripped me."

05/28/04: "I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect, no respect at all. When I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them. That way, they could park in the handicapped section."

05/30/04: "I tell ya, my whole life I've been practicing safe sex. In fact, I'd like to thank all the girls who turned me down. "

05/31/04: "I tell ya, my favorite girls are the ones who wear eyeglasses. When you take 'em home you breathe heavy, they don't know what the hell you're doing."

06/01/04: "I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees."

06/02/04: "This girl was ugly. I took her to a dog show. She won. "

06/03/04: "This girl was ugly. I took her to a plastic surgeon. He added a tail."

06/04/04: "This girl was ugly. I took her to the beach. The tide went out and stayed there."

06/05/04: "I tell ya, this girl was fat. She asked me why my eyes were bulging. I told her, "You're standing on my foot!""

06/06/04: "I tell ya, this girl was no bargain, she was fat. When she walks backwards, she starts beeping! "

06/07/04: "One girl turned me down, she told me she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, I'd be finished by then!"

06/08/04: "Last week, I had a bad experience. I went top a nude beach. They kicked me out. Yeah, they told me it's impolite to point. "

06/09/04: "Oh, with my wife, I gotta watch myself. When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. "

06/10/04: "Ah, one thing in football don't make sense. The two-minute warning. What's the big warning? Everyone knows you have two minutes to play. To me a two-minute warning is ... like when you're in bed with a chick. The phone rings. It's her husband on his car-phone. He says, "Honey, I'll be home in two minutes." That's a two-minute warning!"

06/11/04: "Oh, my wife told me she needs five thousand dollars - all her mother's teeth have to come out. I told her, "I'll give you ten thousand dollars - take her tongue out!" "

06/14/04: "I like southern girls. They talk so slow, by the time they say no - I made it already!"

06/14/04: "Aw, nothing works out. I bought an Apple computer - there was a worm in it! "

06/16/04: "Oh, the other night, my wife met me at the front door, she was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble is - she was coming home! "

06/17/04: "Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery - I cut up her credit cards. "