Rodney Dangerfield joke of the day

08/17/04: "The other night, I told my wife, "I hurt my little pinky." She said, "It's all right. We're not gonna have sex anyway." "

08/19/04: "Last night I had a dream I took a walk down memory lane and my wife was working. "

08/20/04: "Oh, my wife can't cook at all. I got the only dog that begs for Alka-Seltzer. "

08/21/04: "Oh, I'm not a sexy guy. On my wedding night, my wife said, "Hey, honey, this is it?" I said, "Honey, that WAS it." "

08/22/04: "I asked my wife, I said, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping!" "

08/25/04: "I saw a place it had a sign: Topless, Bottomless. I went inside, there was no one there! "

Non-joke news

LOS ANGELES -- Comedian Rodney Dangerfield was hospitalized Tuesday for scheduled heart valve replacement surgery but his sense of humor remained healthy.

Asked how long he'd remain in the hospital after Wednesday's operation, he said: "If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half."

Last year, Dangerfield, 82, underwent brain surgery at the University of California, Los Angeles, Medical Center, to reduce his chances of having a stroke during the heart operation.

His heart surgery at the Medical Center will be performed by Dr. Hillel Laks, a spokesman for Dangerfield said.

The comic and actor, who's best known for his self-mocking line, "I don't get no respect," recently released his autobiography, "It's Not Easy Being Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs."

Dangerfield's films include "Back to School" and "Caddyshack." He's set to guest star on the sitcom "Still Standing" this fall and will be heard as himself in the animated comedy "The Family Guy."

A TV movie based on his autobiography is planned.

08/26/04: "My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car."

08/27/04: "My wife and I, all we do is fight about sex. Well, the other night we had it out - nah, put it this way, I had it out. "

08/28/04: "I went back to my hometown. I wanted to visit all my old school teachers when I was a kid. All I had to make was one stop - the cemetery. "

08/29/04: "I tell you, my wife, she keeps me in line - no matter how many guys are ahead of me. "

08/30/04: "I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike. I mean, she donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless. "

09/01/04: "I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch."

09/02/04: "Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car."

09/03/04: "I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back." "

09/04/05: "I said to one girl, "Come on, honey, I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it." "

09/08/04: "Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. "

09/09/04: "I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees. "

09/12/04: "I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!"

09/13/04: "I'm getting old. I got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine. At my age, I like to get sex over quickly. Then I can get to the nap. "