Rodney Dangerfield joke of the day

04/11/04: "Doctors say when you have sex you lose 150 calories. I had sex once. I lost even more: 150 calories, my watch and my wallet."

04/12/04: "With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night."

04/14/04: "Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.""

04/15/04: "With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one."

04/16/04: "What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. "

04/18/04: "I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave."

04/19/04: "With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!"

04/20/04: "I tell ya my television set is all screwed up, all screwed up completely. The other night I was watching a fight. And a hockey game broke out. "

04/21/04: "I tell ya, life is tough. For years I was getting a ringing in my ears. It's getting worse. Now I'm getting busy signals. "

04/22/04: "I tell ya, I get no respect at all. I was drowning. I was yelling, "Help, help!" The lifeguard came over. He said, "All right, buddy, keep it down, keep it down.""

04/23/04: "I found a new way to handle birth control. My wife takes off her makeup. "

04/25/04: "I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas."

04/26/04: "I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Money just disappears. Right now I'm supporting two fighters, my wife and her mother."

04/29/04: "I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it."

04/30/04: "I tell ya, my dog is dumb. It took me three years, I taught him how to sit. He forgot how to stand. I mean dumb. He walks backwards and wags his head. "

05/02/04: "When I was a kid, I was poor. I never got an x-ray. My old man would hold me up to the light. "

05/05/04: "I tell ya, nothin' goes right. I bought a Japanese car. I turn on the radio. I don't understand a word they're sayin'."

05/06/04: "I tell ya, cleanliness, that's what's important. But some people are too clean. Like my uncle Louie. He used to take five showers a day, four baths a day. And when he died, as a tribute to my uncle's cleanliness, the entire funeral procession went through a carwash."

05.07.04: "I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice."

05/09/04: "The other day I told my wife, "I lost my wallet, I'm very depressed." She said, "That makes two of you. You and the guy who found it." "