Need help forgetting an ex

Originally posted by Unvarnished
Ahhh, anyone out there can give me advice on how to forget my ex girlfriend? I'm in my 20s and seeking advice from the older generation, I need like a mentor figure on how to move on.

I am not a professional by any means. But have been there. And a break up of a relationship is a lot like the death of a loved one. There are stages you will go through. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then finally Acceptance.

There is no forgetting. There is only coping. Love is a habit much like a drug. You woke up every morning and made them breakfast, called to check in with them, road to work together, watched certain shows together, went certain places together, you can smell them from time to time, you hugged them here kissed them there, know the same people, liked the same things. Your ex right now is everywhere. Good luck in forgetting them. No matter what you do, that person is now a part of you. And anyone that you have ever loved is a part of you. Have you forgotten them.

Now your addicted to the memories of love you shared with your ex and you just can't get your fix. Frustrating!!! You spent extremely important times, in important places. No matter where you turn there are memories of your ex. It saddens you to no end. This is natural. You will go through the stages of grieving as if your ex had died. Your Goal is not forgetting but accepting.

Accepting that you have an addiction to your ex life is the key here. Your life with your ex is now gone. But the memories remain (this being the addiction). And those memories always will remain. Even in a new relationship the memories will haunt you like alcohol does an alcoholic. Before you can accept what your going through you have to go through the stages of grieving. It's a human process, built in to all of us.

Remember your goal is accepting that you have a new life, a new outlook and a brand new adventure ahead of you!! Not just sadness. Once you embrace that it's over and accept that your ex will always be apart of you. You will be able to move on in your life a little more easily.

Without all of the psycho babble. Don't call them, don't contact them, act as if they do not exist. It's a tough road my friend. I've been there and it took a long time for me to get over my ex. Now I'm married and have five kids. I think about her from time to time. Usually when something reminds me of her. And when it does I wonder for a few minutes hope she's doing well. I'm thankful for the times I had with her, but I am happy I have the life I have now.

One big piece of advise. Find yourself again. People tend to lose who they are in a relationship because we all tend to wrap ourselves inside someone else's life. You are young there are plenty of fish in the sea. But if you don't have you. And you still embrace the old you (life with the ex). Who do you think you will be when you embark on your next relationship. You will be the you from your last relationship. Find yourself again before moving forward..

Love is addicting. Love is a drug. and is also wonderful.

Hope that helps.

Originally posted by Sentience365
reply to post by Unvarnished

 

Human beings are social creatures and we become attached to each other very quickly creating strong emotional bonds (not that I need to tell you that). The best way to sever one bond is to create another. This serves two purposes: 1. You don't let loneliness eat you up. 2. You gain a new relationship, a substitute for what was lost or for what you're trying to eliminate.

Time is what you're going to need, as much as I'm sure you don't want to hear that right now. Put the building blocks of your new life in place and comfort will follow. There is nothing new under the sun my friend, we've all been through this and you can take comfort in the fact that it WILL get better.

edit on 3-9-2011 by Sentience365 because: (no reason given)

edit on 3-9-2011 by Sentience365 because: (no reason given)

Well put. However I disagree with the replace the old with a new. Sounds alot with replacing alcohol with weed to me. The biggest problem people have after a break up is not finding themselves, before diving into another relationship. You have to be comfortable with you before you are comfortable with someone else. Psycho babble I know. But it's true. If your jumping from sack to sack that's one thing. But if your looking for a relationship you have to get yourself mentally stable first. Great post btw.

reply to post by DIDtm


Exactly!!! Find yourself than start dating. And yes I agree. Sleeping around does kind of make you forget. But then you start comparing to the ex. Some solitude is sometimes a great idea. But yes disconnect completely from her. Even if she calls you. Great advise.

In my experience with love lost this is some of the best advice you have been given in this thread..

Originally posted by mblahnikluver
Time....

It will take time. There is nothing you can really do to forget someone you love, that is why it's love

The whole "find someone new" is just crap and it's not fair to the other person and it always makes you feel bad later cause your heart is with another.

Good luck.

It sounds cliche but there is no substitute for time and time does eventually heal all wounds.

There is no physical pain on this earth equal to a broken heart and you truly have my sympathy. It will hurt like hell for a long time but some day you will wake up in the morning and it wont hurt quite as bad and from there it will little by little become tolerable.

If you truly loved her you will never completely forget but that is alright.

I am in agreement that as badly as you don't want to you should severe all contact. You will only prolong the hurt and you cant make somebody care for you that doesn't any longer no matter how badly you wish it were otherwise.

Lastly, be careful about dating in the immediate future. It sounds like you need time and space to heal and as mblahnikluver stated above, the last thing you want to do is hurt another just to satisfy a shallow need.

I wish you the best of luck and I can promise you without ever having met that you wont be alone forever.

reply to post by Unvarnished


Ask yourself this. Why would you want someone that does not want you? If you say because you love her, understand that she does not love you.

I wasted so much time trying to keep a relationship together with a woman that did not feel the same way I did. I now wish I could have that time back. There is no point in holding onto someone who has already let you go.

reply to post by Crunkman919


Yeah I hear ya, I am joining the gym today so hopefully that should help relieve a lot of stress. I guess I failed to realize that I cared for the girl I fell in love with, she just bailed out on me, I just don't get how people can all of a sudden lose feelings for someone. I guess its mother nature. But thanks your advice man.

reply to post by lostangel818


Thanks so much! Well, since there are many people in my situation, its great that now you joined ATS it can definitely take your mind off of your first relationship. It really helps a lot.

reply to post by bftroop


I definitely agree with you, I'm in medical school and it sucks that I have no time for myself, but I'm definitely not jumping into another relationship when I know I'm ready. Breakups suck dude, it feels like the entire world is over. It feels like the battle between the autobots and decepticons.

Originally posted by Unvarnished
reply to post by Sentience365

 

I guess that's my problem, learning to let go and not have any emotional attachment, I just want to feel unattached and not have to worry about anything anymore.

Do you have any advice on how to let someone go and eventually just become unattached to them? That would help a lot.

Time.
That is all that will distance you from your current mind.
You can and should never forget the attachments we make, we are only here for a short time.
Its so hard to pick up the pieces but you will.
In time you will view it all differently, its easy for someone else to say but in time your pain will become part of the new you and you will be stronger and renewed.
(I am going through such pain myself and am only passing on wisdom that was shown to me)
Hope it helps a small bit.

reply to post by Unvarnished


You have some excellant advice among some good members of ATS....

now toughen up son!

You'll find yourself a new girlfriend soon enough!

reply to post by Unvarnished


No problem . you can message me whenever you need someone ,and yes it does, i used to just come to this site to see the topics but im glad i finally decided to join ,and share the information i have .
some people have told me that the first love is the hardest to deal with , i guess thats what im going though , i did give my virginity to this guy , i am still in love with him , but what can i do you know :'[..

Visit this shop
[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/fcd70f79ae07.jpg[/atsimg]

If you cant find something in there to get you over a relationship then its pretty serious

reply to post by Unvarnished


Autobots Transform and roll out

reply to post by davespanners


hahahahahahaha

which part is that? the booze or the fireworks?

I say he go on in there and buy himself a lottery ticket!

reply to post by bftroop


I agree with you and I had said basically the same thing you said a little bit after that comment.

"I don't trust chicks anymore I don't know why." Ahh yes, I know this feeling, but try not to take it out on all women. Caladonea is right that this particular girl is immature, it sounds like she's confused and trying to figure out what she wants. It really sucks that she sucked you into her storm man but do yourself a favor and just analyze yourself for a while. If you focus on judging her too much you'll end up avoiding your own insecurities which will only manifest in later relationships. Seriously, the reason you're even thinking about taking her back after what she has done is because you haven't realized your true worth as yet.

I didn't mean he should get into another relationship, I said that he should create new social connections as in friends who can support him.

reply to post by davespanners


Hahahahaha Dave you're the man bro! That's actually a really good picture, thanks a lot for the advice man

reply to post by bluemirage5


Thanks a lot bluemirage, you're definitely right dude

reply to post by HumansEh


I couldn't agree with you any more, things are getting better by the day, although it really feels weird when you're just on your own. You're username really makes me think about what us humans do to each other. Thanks a lot for your advice I appreciate it greatly.

reply to post by bftroop


A good quote from Dark of the Moon, "The warrior's path is a solitary one." ahhahah

I know this thread is a little old but I was just browsing and the title jumped out at me. I'm going through a break up now too and it is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It's a struggle to get out of bed, to go out. To do anything.. I feel like I'm breaking into tiny pieces. I wish that I were dead. Every once in a while when I think of him my entire body goes cold like I'm submerged in freezing water. I have nightmares. Everything reminds me of him. We were together for so long. The hardest part about the break up is not losing him, but losing the future that I envisioned with him. My whole life has changed and I feel dead inside.

It's been a few months since you authored this thread. How are you feeling now? Can you offer any comfort or advice? I am lost.