I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

reply to post by mossme89


1. Be YOU! And don't ever apologize for it! However, if the people you are around consider what your doing 'socially unacceptable' try and think about what the equivalent might be for them. IE,. If people would be put off by a hug, maybe try what their 'hug' would be, like just saying 'hey, that was cool' or just a fist bump. Try and express YOUR emotion on THEIR terms. this can help them understand where your coming from instead of interpreting your actions as creepy.

2. Teenagers are like dogs, they can smell fear. Some of the truly coolest kids I know are the biggest geeks in the world. But the difference that makes them cool and not just geeks is a lack of fear of rejection. They really just don't care what others think. Not because they don't want friends, but because they understand that for every person in the world that makes fun of them, there's another that appreciates them. The ones that appreciate may not all be in High School, but neither will you in a year. Stop caring about what people think. It may sound weird but the second you stop worrying about what people think, they'll start thinking better of you. As soon as you stop looking for what you want it will come. Life will teach you this counter-intuitive principal.

3. Learn an Instrument. Guitar or piano, but really both is best! This has a few levels to it. Socially, guitar is always cool, and will wet panties without a doubt. But the real advantage is the social platform that playing with people provides. Learning cover songs and practicing together is an awesome way to get to know people. Although some musicians are in the 'cool crowd' the majority are the most accepting class of people I have ever encountered, especially of other musicians.

Keep your head up and listen to what some of the others here have said like:
HS is BS!
98% of these people wont matter in a year..(more like 99.9%)
The majority of people just suck, you seem to be one of the ones that doesn't suck and still has a heart, there are others like you out there, but were the minority, in fact a rarity.

Lastly, be sure your taking most of what is talked about here at ATS with the proper amount of salt, in fact I'd tell you to go on an ATS diet till after you start college. There is a lot of doom and gloom here that isn't good for someone trying to find a positive center in themselves, just be careful what thoughts you expose yourself too, it might not seem like it now, but it ALL MATTERS. (there is good stuff on here too, its just outweighed by the negative)

I feel for you, and I was picked on in school as well. But that was many years ago, I am 46 now.

What I say to you, is stand your ground, if a bully picks on you, there comes a time when you must take a stand, and inflict the harshest possible beating on that person that you can muster. Even if you lose the fight, you gain respect and they will be less likely to try and pick on you again. But bully's usually back down when confronted by an angry and determined individual.

Actual story from my life, my family didn't have much money, and the clothes we wore were the cheap one's, because that's all we could afford, and my mom knitted me a hat for the winter, and all the other kids had store bought hats with Boston Bruins logos on them or some such things, and the kids on the schoolbus used to grab the hat off my head and throw it to each other as I tried to retrieve it. Very embarassing. Well one day, this happened, and one of the biggest bullies also slapped the back of my head. That was it, I had had enough.
I got up out of my seat and grabbed this kid by the coat over his chest and pushed him to the back of the bus and his head made a huge noise when it collided with the back of the bus, and I told him, "I don't believe you're going to do that again". At that moment, I could see the fear in his eyes, then I cast his entire body to the right into some other kids lap. Some kid brought me my hat back without me asking. After that, nobody messed with me. There comes a time to make a stand.

As far as girls are concerned, always tell the truth, and listen to them. If they misunderstand your intentions, explain to them, why you do what you do. You are a good person, what you think and feel are genuine, and if you stick to what you believe and calmly explain your views to others, you will succeed. Now granted, there will always be people who are ignorant or refuse to open their eyes to truth, but don't lose sleep over the sheep.

Have faith in yourself, exude confidence, not in what others think, but in what you believe, for your beliefs are just as valid as anyone else's, perhaps more so.

Honesty, Integrity, Caring, Kindness and Forgiveness go a long way in this world. Do not fear any of these things.

Do not fear ridicule, because those that ridicule, have already reached the peak of their popularity, after high school, you will see that they are losers, both socially and economically.

Do not be afraid to make friends with others in your same predicament, they may be some of the best friends you will ever have. High school is like Beverly Hill on steroids. Nobody likes the fat kid, the homely looking person, the nerd, the geek, or whatever, but its all an illusion, because these kids that the "popular" kids don't like, will go on to become some of the richest, and kindest and smartest people that you would ever want to meet and be friends with, so be friends with them now.

High school is tough, but life does get better once you enter the workforce, because your fellow workers are more compassionate and less childish with regards to personal differences.

And I wouldn't take a year off before going to college, I would go to college next year, don't wait, don't fear.

If you take a year off, it could turn to 2 years or 3 years or never.

For me, it was 2 years, because my parent's couldn't afford it, and there was never any assumption that I would go, I had to work full time 2nd shift to get through college once I started.

If you can go next year, then do it.

Always take chances in social circles, and if you think of a funny comment during a discussion, shout it immediately without reserve with a big smile on your face.

If you act silly, don't do it half-heartedly, but do it with zeal.

And most important of all, never ever think about quitting or suicide or anything like that, because we are all unique and have something to offer society.

Best of luck to you.

reply to post by mossme89


I just wanted to reply because you sound just like me 8 years ago.

Listen, and LISTEN CLOSELY! (Or read... whatever) Social awkwardness is very normal for people that are meant to be leaders in the world. Keep your grades up, I know... blah blah blah, same old story. Trust me, you will be happy when you make it into a good college. College, NOT HIGH SCHOOL is when it is important to start socializing.

Start networking with corporate leaders now, email those in powerful positions to find out how to get where they are. Once you know WHERE you want to be, then go for it. DO NOT EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES try to change who you are. Be nerdy. Be awkward! Be you!

Remember you are young still, don't try to become one of the sheeple that we here on ATS despise for not thinking on their own.

Now IF having more friends is part of your problem, the best I can say to do is start going to functions where you are on the same level as the other people. Don't try to meet the people that are the quintessential idea of popular. These people are, in general, FAKE. They are more f--ked up that any person that openly expresses their personal fears or worries. Surround yourself with people like you.

In the end, you will see that people really do like you for who you are. Screw the ones that can't cope with you, they are not worth the time you are giving them. You will one day see that you are far better off being yourself than trying to be anyone else.

Learn to play guitar or sing, and start a rock band. Doesn't matter how ugly or creepy you are, chicks will fall all over you. Trust me, it's true, just look at MTV.

Well, if nerves are an issue in social situations, practice any form of meditation and apply it to your daily life, this can help you stay calm in social situations.

Also, when in social situations its important to remember that its as much about you as the other person. Acknowleding our own emotions and reactions, rather than just worrying about the other person's is an important aspect.

Its also important to remember that while some people are naturally fluent in social interaction, for others it must be learned and practiced, it is a gradual process so appreciate the positive steps you make and don't expect change to happen overnight.

Also, try and find a passion and work on improving at it, this could be drawing, music, anything that you enjoy and adds aditional meaning and enjoyment to your life beyond social interactions and schoolwork.


Also, its important to remember that high school is not real life, it is an isolated incident where doing whatever it takes to be popular is rewarded. In the real world, where the majority of your life will take place, good work ethic, intelligence, creativity, level headedness, ambition, and strong interpersonal relationships regardless of the concept of popularity are rewarded.

reply to post by guyopitz


Dear Sir,

You have had a tough start in life, but maybe just maybe, you could get a fresh start.

Have you ever considered just abandoning all that you know, and going to a poor country, and starting anew?

The people in the U.S. are arrogant, self centered, uncaring, aholes, I know, I live in the U.S.

People in poor countries, as I found as I traveled the world, are true, and compassionate, and down to earth, and very pious.

People in poor countries, or maybe I should say uncorrupted countries, would see the worth of an individual more easily

reply to post by mossme89


I hated high school man. And this is the very reason why. I was never popular. But I had a few groups of 'friends'. Everyone in high school was extremely self conscious and standoffish. Some tried to 'act' indifferent. (Fake confidence) Anytime I allowed myself to be me, I would get ridiculed...the teasing eventually turned me into a different person. I wore a mask. I tried to act like everyone else. Indifferent, sarcastic, or stand-offish. It caused me a lot of stress...I never got to be myself and I terribly regret it.

I say be yourself. People in life will always either hate you or love you or be indifferent. Even if you try with all your strength to get everyone to like you there will always still be some that don't.

So just be yourself man- it's too stressful trying to be something you're not. So go give that girl a high five if you feel like it. Give that person a hug if you want. Some people will think you're a loser, and some will think you're awesome.

Btw, and I'm sure it's been said already...this sort of superficial behavior changes when you get to college.

Hope this helps!

reply to post by Seitler



Good advice, you make many good points.

A lot of times, people ridicule you because they fear you or your dominance.

reply to post by mossme89


awwwww man, i feel for you!!! im a girl.
hang in there bud high school is flippin BRUTAL, the rest of your life will be nothing like high school. many ppl like yourself go on to get great jobs & rub it in all of our faces, im not going to lie & say that i was similar to you in school i was only into my friends & being "cool", many ppl i know like you tho went on to achieve greatness while ppl like me are still strummin our fingers
try to maybe work on your sense of humor? you can shake off any awkward situation by cracking a joke or laughing at yourself, that is key...self depricating humour is great.
dont hesitate to call yourself creepy hahah if you say it with confidence it could be funny if you do something dumb just laugh!
stay positive & confident...you are unique & cool!!
xo

OP,

What you are experiencing is the average HighSchool experience for the average American teenager. It get's better. The huge problem here is NOT YOU. It is everyone else. America's youth these days, for the most part, have been conditioned since birth by the system to make snap judgements, to profile people, to strive for popularity and to basically be controlled by what they see on TV or what the current fad of the week is. The fact that you are even on ATS means you already know more about REAL LIFE than any of those other kids. They are thinking about their next Tweet or their next Facebook status, you are asking questions about human and social behaviors. If you had been in my school when I was still that young, we would have been friends dude. I would say stop worrying about "why doesn't this person like me" or "why isn't that girl into me.." and concentrate on the important things like trying to find out WHY those people are the way they are. That will give you an insight into what kind of person they are and you will realize you won't wan't to hang out with most of those people anyways. Seriously man, life is a gift, don't waste it worrying about people who are not worth your time. Too much other great stuff out there to discover/witness. Let the shallow crowd hang out with the pretentious crowd. They deserve each other.

-SK-

first post here. i felt it important to actually provide my input on this one because i genuinely feel bad for ya OP. it's not easy to "fit in" and even the kids that you think have it better off often have bouts of depression, low self esteem, and overall uncertainty through their teen years. the middle school through high school years are certainly the toughest. it does get better though. after high school, you have a shot to be whoever you want to be, clean slate. my advice would be 2 parts. do the best you can academics-wise and get a high paying job. don't be one of those idiots that goes to college without a plan and drifts along. pick a 6 figure paying job and go for it. yes, having money matters. part 2 is hit the gym like a psycho. yes, being good looking matters. make it a lifestyle and learn as much as you can about body building. it will change your life. it will give you the confidence you are looking for. my advice is completely superficial, but this is a superficial world. i used to feel a lot like the OP, but I did the 2 things I listed and I've honestly reached levels of confidence I didn't think were possible. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, just provide what worked for me. yea some people will say just be yourself blah blah and that is fine if that is the kind of life you want. if you want something more, like i did, quit feeling bad for yourself and show those people how great you can be. showing up those jerks who thought they were better than me growing up was the best revenge of all and continues to be my daily motivation. best of luck!

Originally posted by Savage206
OP,

The huge problem here is NOT YOU. It is everyone else.

I would say stop worrying about "why doesn't this person like me" or "why isn't that girl into me.." and concentrate on the important things like trying to find out WHY those people are the way they are. That will give you an insight into what kind of person they are and you will realize you won't want to hang out with most of those people anyways.

Wow I couldn't agree more.
Excellent post.

reply to post by mossme89


Hmmm Interestingly your HS life sounds like a carbon copy of my own to a degree, and im sure many others lives also. I was bullied relentlessly mentally and physically during primary, intermediate and most of early highschool, i was the geek, the outcast, the odd kid (Kids seem to despise the unique). Although you seem to have a little more self confidence than I ever did in that you actually try to interact with these people still not to mention interaction with girls, which even now makes me break out in a cold sweat . I was the kid with the uncool haircut from a poorish family in a rich residential area, hand me down cloths and over assertive personality, imagination and interests outside the norm of sport and the latest rock band or toy craze (e.g UFO's, Inventions (I used to make alot of my own toys from wood and card), Cryptozoology and sci-fi fantasy etc)... oh the 80's what a decade of consumerism conformity... then again whats changed, from he-man and gi-joe to cellphones and Ipods.

For me I only ever had a single best friend at any one time throughout childhood school, however often such friendships would suddenly end after years of good times, through no fault of my own... literally one day id turn up to school and my best friend would tell me to get lost in a Jeckle and Hyde moment as they where part of the in crowd now or they thought I was a geek (or latter id learn from others that they where in fact never my friend to begin with and just had pitty for me).. this happened more than once. To say it crushed me mentally is an understatement, but childhood friendships are often fickle things and as an adult i can see that clearly and times allowed me to realize it means little in the long run. However to give your all to a friendship and find the other person just one days throws it in your face, it still hurts.

The time it started to change for me was the last 2 years of HS, 6th and 7th form for us in my country. It was around this time that everyone started concentrating more on academic grades rather than social status within the great teen heirachy. Not to mention most of the bullies who tended to be less than average intellect had all left school by then to seek employment or had been kicked out, those who where still around had also matured slightly and while still nasty weren't quite as frequent in their attacks. Id also developed a group of friends like yourself (although i still had only a single best friend) which helped immensely since our group did alot of after school stuff together (arcades, movies, bowling etc). Also I think in many ways what helped for me, was that HS for me was at a boys only school, while this increased some areas of the bullying it removed huge areas of other potential bullying since there was no girl factor involved (alot of my primary school/ intermediate bullies went to the co-ed school which was good)... in many ways I think such single sex schools are the way to go, really cuts out the distraction and curbs the hormonal head butting.

Socially my early childhood and HS did effect me and still does socially, I find it hard to interact with people (the internet is a different kettle of fish, here im a faceless entity, pure personality and opinion), talking to women is still damn hard and often ill come across cold or stammer like a twit or mangle my sentences. Ill also find myself thinking people are getting at me when in reality they might not be, that glance might have been just a glance and not the scornful or mocking look I thought they gave me (granted I really have had strangers look down their nose at me or laugh). Ultimately does it really matter what anyone thinks... no not really, although getting over that mental hurdle is tricky.

The one thing I can say is, I survived the physical attacks, mental drumming and humiliations... and because of that I can say while not a perfect win, I did win as I didnt quit the game as do so many teens do now days on such frivolous things as text and Facebook bullying (its kinda cold but the teens now days have such weak self confidence and will power im surprised they dont literally die the moment they find that their older siblings eaten the last of the breakfast cereal that morning or if someone calls them a name they dont pull out a gun and shoot themselves on the spot).

I have now spent more time out of school than I ever spent within the school system... and its just a distant memory filled with good and bad times. The thing is, it really when i think about it has no bearing on my life now what so ever, none of the social aspects that plagued that period matter or really ever did to begin with. School is that annoying hurdle between birth and the rest of your life. Sure the mental scars remain there and they do effect my life but only if I let them. Where HS is insular and thats its main problem, the outside world is vast. The average stranger on the street or over the counter doesn't know you, they have their own daily problems to deal with your just another unknown human as are they to you... and if they are nasty to a stranger like yourself, you can be rest assured in the fact they are like that to everyone else... and in a way should be pitied.

So what I say to you is, endure, you havent got long to go till the game changes... since in the long run, once its all over and your out in the great adult world its different, sure there are still @$$holes and douches but they get their comeuppances in the long run and pretty much everyone else is nice, or at least will treat you nice if you do so likewise. HS is just a crappy blip on the road of life...

As to your 'creepy' behavior... Ill say it is a little odd (im an introvert and shy/restrained person by nature), while not bad you have to realize that your actions can be taken that way especially by a fellow teenager (who are all fairly antisocial to begin with), and they wont appreciate it, in a way your lucky to have the social attitude you have, you dodged the surly grumpy teen bullet all the rest get struck by. So rather than act on it, give them a verbal version of a hug, a hi or a hello, cheer up etc it shows you care but retains that distance thats required, they can snide you for it, but that just makes them look callous since you've done nothing to deserve it.

As for women... well I can understand your plight, although for me its more "why the hell would a girl like that, like a jerk like him, but would find me unsuitable, am I really that ugly?, unmanly"... although one thing ive learned form that is that, that is just women in general or at least the ones in my country... any woman that says they like personality over looks is lying through her teeth , bitter.. or the truth? Its a hard road finding the perfect woman but eventually you'll get to the end. Teenagers really are in most ways are far to immature for relationships, or at the least any that would actually last or have meaning, although there are exceptions so dont fret over any thing like that while at HS.

Ultimately though, the key to surviving for me is Family... which I was lucky to have, while school life was hell there was at least the stability and care of my family, pets and the safety of my home... the shoulder to cry on. You've made it this far so i guess you also have a good family support.

If social interaction makes you happy, then there are quite a few jobs you'd find perfectly suited to your desires in the outside world. Id definitely advise you to get into one, you seem to have the kind of personality that would be well served by it.

Not sure if that was worth it in typing... but your not alone in your experiences, and its not the end of the world, once your out of HS and hit your 20's it'll be different.

Originally posted by mossme89
I've been bullied and have been an outcast my entire life. I struggle with social norms with what to do and what not to do. I've gotten a lot better, but still mess up a lot. Whether it's saying the wrong think, doing the wrong thing, hanging around too long, etc.

That looks like you're getting bullied and outcast for nothing. For saying the wrong thing? You're being played, man. Something out there is clearly trying to make you think that YOU did something and that it's YOUR fault, when it's most likely everyone else. I'd like a social life myself, but for me it took a LONG while before I realized that I hadn't really done anything to ruin my "social life". By that point it was way too obvious that there was SOMETHING ELSE out there that was actually doing the messing up of the so-called "social life".

Hey, just hope it's not the aliens or something really wacky out there that's making your social life so crappy, since that would really suck.

reply to post by mossme89


Suck it up.

Who cares what others think? People are retarded. Do you want to be retarded? Or do you want to be remembered?

Fook the world. Be your own self. If they laugh, it's cause they're not you.

My advice is go read about aspergers

reply to post by Akragon


I never said anything about the friends you made, I was referring to the time spent in said environment.
being shut out and bullied destroys one's self-esteem. Dealing with that for 4 years of your life can potentially ruin your life after highschool and who you want have been or want to be. Shattered confidence is hard to replace

Hey we are here for ya buddy! I honestly do not know a single person that I highly respect that did not have at least a mildly awkward time in High School.

Hey everyone, OP here again. This is totally trivial but i find listening to music really helps me. It might sound conter-productive, but sometimes listening to a sad songs helps me come to grips with my emotions. Pink Floyd has some pretty amazing stuff with The Wall and Dark Side of the Moon. Probably my favorite song is Comfortably Numb.

Screw high school. I just graduated last year. There was nothing special about it like most of the people made it out to be. Most of the teens at my school were your typical, generic drama teens, really stupid ones, that I just laughed at, even though I was the outcast, even the outcast of the outcasts. They all considered me weird, but I didn't give a crap. To me they were weird, putting their fake faces on, putting up a show, and school was the stage. It's funny how a lot of them bring that crap into college. Anyway, lucky for me, I found some friends that have lasted, had them since 8th grade, they're nearly the same as me, started a band with them, been together since.

And girls? Screw high school girls. It's funny how a lot of them say boys their age are immature when they're the ones that are really the most immature. They give into drama so easily and love to cause it. In yet they see me as being immature for having fun. Can't take life too seriously, or else it will bring you down and "reality" will hit you, then you'll realized the things you missed because you've taken it too seriously, have some fun but of course there are times to be serious. But I do have a problem, when I'm in a big crowd or group with no one I know, I get really bad anxiety.

I'm not sure what to say about the bullies, since I stopped being bullied when I got to Jr. High because I was taller than mostly everybody. I also look like the jock type (besides the occasional beard and long hair sometimes) even though I'm far from it, just looks like I'm built a little like one.

As for grades, I also never cared about those. I didn't turn in a few assignments, I did things the last minute, and I still got good grades, hell, I graduated.

Basically, some friends help, I only had a few, but I didn't need anymore. I didn't have the need or wanted to be popular. So anyway, all you really need is to be yourself and find friends that will be your friend no matter how weird or screwed up you are.