I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

Originally posted by CUJOCREEP
but try walking around town,anywhere of your choosing,and just say hi to any random girl and 9 times out of ten they will look at you like your a creep and like you whipped out ur snake at em, its crazy,

Umm thats because thats what creepy guys do. You dont just walk up to random women and say hi unless there has been some non verbal indication from her that she wants you to.

If you have done the eye contact thing, and she has made the appropriate signals via body language that she is interested in contact, THEN you can walk up and say "hi." If you just walk up to random women and say hi, you are actually advertising that there is something wrong with you. Not that you are friendly. Women have to be more selective about who they let in their personal space than men do, because the risk of assault is always there.

Originally posted by mossme89

reply to post by Thompa

 

I totally get that. You go up to someone to talk and try to be friendly and they're like "why are you talking to me?" and get creeped out. It's stupid and frustrating.

By the way, that is a terrible avatar. You need to change it ASAP. (Redskins fan

) Can you still watch the NFL in Sweden? What position do you think you'll play? When i played, i was a WR and a QB, as well as a DB, however i couldn't throw for the life of me and a few times had more INT's than completions lol. Now i'm a runner

edit on 18-2-2011 by mossme89 because: (no reason given)

lol, that's funny. I think I know why you're so down, it's because Redskins suck right now and probably wont be good in a long time, I know the feeling.. Cowboys suck 2
Big cowboy fan here, and a huge Dez fan
yeah they show the games at like 2 channels, and if I wanna watch another game i'll just watch a stream.
RB, that's the position i'm good at, can't imagine myself play something else since i've played rb since I started playing.

ha ha you sound like brett favre

Originally posted by Annee

Originally posted by mossme89

Originally posted by whatifitweretrue
reply to post by mossme89

 

I have a friend like you and we have been mates since kids. Trust me at age 28 he has a really great job and a really hot girlfriend. He will tell you himself he is fat ugly and smell like old people

(nor direspect to anyone im nothing special myself) but he was always left out last , very eccentric yet every one still laughed at him. But he has really stuck it to them now cause his girlfriend loves him because he is who he is. Stick with it buddy.

Wow, that's awesome. Thank you for that

You define yourself by having a hot girlfriend? Is that really how you would value yourself?

Are you really valuing yourself by a "visual" - - how other people see you?

--------------------------------------------------

Don't get me wrong. This is a Look oriented society - - whether anyone wants to admit it or not. This is going to sound very shallow - - - but your children will be born into a society that is even more Look oriented - - - so physical attractiveness has become almost necessary today and will be even worse in the future. Work on all of yourself - - inside and out. And hopefully you will find that hot girlfriend and have beautiful children.

Just keep the perspective and be honest with yourself.

@-Annee,

I have a hot wife. She looks like she just stepped off the runway in Paris.5ft.10in.tall. Hazel eyes and auburn hair.128 lbs. She's of Jewish descent, olive complexion. I am talking Top Shelf, Thoroughbred, Breeding stock. She also happens to be on the same intellectual level as I am. She's witty and funny and shares my idealogical beliefs. She has a great career in medicine and we do extremely well together. Point is, everyone is influenced by physical attraction even you. I believe whatifitweretrue had the intent of giving an example of someone that overcame certain social conditions that had affected him in school and pointed out his story as a success story in a means a young male could identify with. Nothing more and nothing less. Believe it or not males do have a sense of accomplishment with landing a good catch...just as women do. This isn't a thread intended to demean women nor determine if wanting a "hot" mate is shallow or not! Holy smokes please keep the politically correct dogma down to a trickle! Swing for the fences gents sooner or later you will knock that homerun!

Don't get me wrong, i totally think about things before i say it. If anything, i over-think it. I think "okay, how will this make the person feel?" But, oftentimes there are things i can't know, reactions i could not have predicted. To make an analogy, it's like a computer. The computer cannot accurately predict if it does not have enough data. I spent most of my years up until 16 as a loner and on my own on my computer. As a result, i'm incredible skilled in the computer field, but lacking social experience. Hopefully, this will get better as I get older.

With that said, despite your "don't say focus on my grades" comment, I will still say that everything entirely flips from highschool to college. Everything that makes you "creepy" or uncomfortable in high school will make you unique and quirky and eccentric in college. The dynamic is entirely upside down, so YES, focus on your grades and get into a decent school!

It's not that i don't care about my grades, it just doesn't make me happy. What makes me happy is being around others in a social environment. It's sort of a balance. If i have a social life with no school life, it's jeopardizing my future. But if i have a school life with no social life, I'm downright miserable. It's balancing between the two that's key. I don't like it when people say "focus on grades, don't worry about social life" because it's disregarding something that is important to me and helps make me happy. Perhaps I'm being a bit pessimistic. Things have been getting better for me, I've come a long way since i started making an active effort to be more social. But things are still not where i want them to be.

1. Work Out! It is healthy and helpful. Relieves stress. Builds confidence. And makes you ATTRACTIVE!

I've been going all out with this, running 4-9 miles a day. And yes, I have noticed some girls checking me out when i'm running.

2. One Minute Salesperson......give something a second thought before it comes out.

I have to work on this. However it's important to note the difference between thinking about saying something and totally over-analyzing it, which i've been notorious for in the past hahaha.

3. Fire and Forget......after it comes out, forget it. No second guessing after the fact.

I've been trying to do this. Like i said, there are some things i just can't know due to the fact that i haven't had an experience like it.

4. Fake it til you make it......no matter how you are feeling inside, project confidence. Not only project confidence outward, but inward as well. Do your thing, and do it assertively. Don't be timid or apologetic. Let you be you.....fire and forget!

Yep, just be me I have heard this, faking confidence can bring about real confidence

5. Get into a decent college. Everything changes in college. I promise! And everybody gets laid in college, there is an entire group of girls in college that will be looking for someone like you. It is amazing.

I'm actually starting at a local community college of 10,000 people. It's cheaper and after 1-2 years, I'll transfer to a 4 year university. But yes, I'm hoping to have a social life, even there.

reply to post by TexasChem


Not to get off topic, but how old are you guys and how are the college girls? Not to sound weird or anything, but i find myself attracted to younger girls. A lot of college girls I've seen drink a ton, gain a significant amount of weight, have a lot of sex, drugs, and don't do much to actually look presentable and nice. HS girls try to look nice, which i like. I'm not a huge fan of the overly sexual and promiscuous look many college women try to present. I'm more of a fan of the down to earth women/girls who are themselves and not overly promiscuous. And being a runner, I tend to like athletic girls.

High school is not remotely a microcosm for what real life is like. There are no ramifications for being mean or shallow when you're at school. Success requires no social graces. In the real world, if you act like a satan harpy to your coworkers, you get fired or moved someplace where you aren't allowed to talk to anyone. The real world demands that people be at the very least Not a Total A## to those who must see them every day. As much as you will change, the cliquey little twerps who singled you out as the Black Sheep will change too. The ones who fail that lesson and continue to act like monsters will lead sad, destructive personal lives. If you are friendly and not a user outside of high school, you will have friends who care about you and wanna go do stuff with you in your mutual spare time.

The people you meet and want to share your world with won't be the people you expect. They'll have different tastes than you have. They will be from all manner of different backgrounds, different worldviews, different lives. Because the homogeneous cliques fall apart after high school. People move around, work at different places, have different schedules. It happens.

Be what you are and be friendly, and the world is an okay place for you to be in.

(This of course disregards the misery incurred working a loathsome job, not making enough money, and paying any attention at all to the news...)

just quit caring, be carefree. highschools all about judgement, but honestly, looking back on it ( Im 21 now) everyone tries to fit into the cliche's while saying the cliche's are stupid. "senior year" isnt really a big deal, but you cant tell someone that, because everyone i know thats a senior right now is all "its senior year, i dont need a gf/bf i dont need to be tied down, its my last year in highschool, i have to do this or this or this" and then they realise a few years later that none of that really mattered, without the cliche's there would be no bullying, there would be no cliques. ..i guess what im trying to say man, just..dont worry about it! : )

reply to post by mossme89


Community Colleges are great in many high population areas. Look at what is offered that may lead to a trade license like welding, electrical constuction, plumbing, or HVAC.

At your age is a good time to stop by the military recruiters, each branch should be considered as a seperate
opportunity. They compete for the same qualified folks. Pay attention to the way they respond to you, take tests
if they are offered.

High School is the best time of your life for some people, life is a lot longer for most of us. How sad for those
folks who look back decades later and recall that their high school days were the high light of their life.

You'll feel better soon kid. You're still at the emotional roller-coaster stage...sad, lonely, depressed, then next week might be elation, joy, excitement. Just hang in there.

I used to escape into the world of science-fiction when I felt down or lonely. Get deep into a book, or series of books for a while.
Discovering things like older music, classic movies, etc.. can be solo and enriching activities to distract from the social scene.

Relationsips will happen when you least expect; whether romantic or platonic. Can't really force that kind of thing.

Volunteer at a nursing home, hospice, shelter; there are many people out there in dire need of social interaction that have no means of instigating. Might be an enriching experience for you?

Hang out on ATS long enough and you'll soon realize your problems/issues are minor hiccups in comparison to some of ours' Good medicine? Maybe!

reply to post by mossme89


I am 38. All grown up now. Back in the day though...

I have always been a social chameleon, even when in school. I could blend into any "scene" easily and I believe that was due to the fact of always being completely honest and true to my friends. You just have to be careful not to be gullible. Since you have an interest in sports and running its essential in order to be successful in a serious relationship with the women you will meet in college for them to be active as well. You may or may not meet "the one" in college but don't ever sell yourself short as to what you want. I recommend the girls soccer team or basketball team. I am a gymn freak and have always lifted weights. I have always been attracted to athletic women mainly due to that fact and was always quite active in that social circle.

College life is the time when a young adult first leaves the nest at home. Lots of experimenting, exploring and learning will be going on in ahem'...many different arenas of life, that were not possible at home. Just be careful and responsible. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve unless you mean it; and even then realize the women you meet more than likely will not. I joke around and tell my sons they are not allowed to marry until after college and they are established in their careers. But, if you seriously think about it...that is the most responsible route to go.

Above all, always be honest as to your intentions. You'll be surprised at the amount of women that will respect that and look at it as a challenge whichever direction those intentions point.

Don't worry kid, high school sucks for almost everyone. It's one big popularity contest. You will graduate this year and then you will be free from jail. College will be better, you will find others that are just like you.

My advice to you is to just focus on finishing school this year. Don't worry about the people in HS, once you graduate they won't matter at all. Put it all behind you and don't look back.

High School is BS and such a small insignificant part of your life. You don't know that yet but you will realize it as you get older.

Most important is to stay true to yourself, If you try to be something you are not it will make you a miserable person. Keep your chin up, life doesn't start until after HS.

High school can be a vicious place and revolves around cliches. I can empathize somewhat with your experience. I never fit in any one group and sort of hung at the edges. I would not say I was a misfit or stood out poorly, rather I was just so much in my own head dealing with my insecurities.

In general, here's my advice. 3 and 6 are the most important and will likely be all you need to do to fix your issue. It may not make you Don Juan or the star of the class, but it will re-arrange your mind and how you think about the world around you.:

1. ALWAYS do your best to remember, "This too shall pass." That may seem not especially useful when you are really feeling pain, but it is imperative you get this concept through your head. In the end, high school will likely work out to be the most inconsequential period in your life. Don't over weight it, not matter how heavy it feels now.

2. Conveying NEEDINESS is the kiss of death, whether trying to "fit in" or attracting a girl friend. People that give off the needy vibe frankly are going to be shunned, and with some good reason -- they are emotionally fragile, unpredictable and exhausting. The only real way to get rid of that is to learn to accept yourself. Do some exercises that might seem goofy, but are proven to work: smile at yourself in the mirror every morning for a feel minutes. Tell yourself into your own eyes that you are worthwhile and that you have something to offer. Tell yourself it is OKAY to be you.

3. Here is one many might not get. Clean your room and keep it organized and tidy. My mom is very wise and raised ten kids. She used to say that if you feel confused and emotionally "disorganized" in your mind, start by organizing your room. basically it is the principal that by creating order in your personal space, your are subconciously creating order in your internal space. It works. Try it.

4. Be your authentic self, but with a sense of humor about yourself. No one likes those kids with chips on their shoulders, whether they be jock, brains, band rats or bohemians.

5. NEWSLFLASH: Everyone around (believe it or not) feels like they don't really fit in, that no one really "gets' them. That's one big lesson we learn much later in life.

6. VOLUNTEER: Help smaller kids as a tutor or help seniors or homeless or whoever. Helping others is the one way 100% guaranteed to paradoxically get you more than you are giving. Some might say volunteer at an animal shelter, but you need to give to other people who need what you can offer and that is your time and your attention.

I dont have many friends in highschool, but i really could care less, and you should too. You dont need more then 1 or 2 friends in your life. Most of the people you meet will be fake. Its better to have 1 or 2 true friends then 10 fake friends. Enjoy yourself, and learn to enjoy time you spend by yourself. The last few years of my life have taught me that people are bull# (generally)

reply to post by Annee


I'm rolling my eyes at you... You think you are better than everyone else don't you?
Save your harsh words for those that actually deserve it. Like yourself.

reply to post by mossme89


I totally agree with you on the balance between social life and grades. It is often over-looked or given as bad advice. One of my best friends is a counselor here at the college, and a certified life-coach, and his advice (off the record) is "C your way to a degree." His philosophy is that unless you are pre-Med or pre-Law anything above a C is a waste of time! There just isn't enough time in the day to do everything a college campus has to offer. The social aspect is at least equal with the academic aspect, and in my regards it is even more important!

That same buddy has gotten into life experiences that most of us will only dream about. His "yes man" mentality has taken him to homes of celebrities, positions with his job, friendships with some of the most unexpected (and well connected) people. He has been in Sports Ilustrated twice and was on ESPN during halftime of a college game just this year.

Someone with top-notch social skills will surpass everyone with top-notch grades. It is important to learn your subjects and pass, but other than that, get out there and LIVE!!

reply to post by mossme89


Sorry if it's in the previous 4 pages, but do you have an after school job?

If not, this is GREAT for improving your social abilities. Just be sure to get a job that:

1. Employs others your same age.
2. Requires you interact with both co-workers and the public.

First, it will increase your "dating pool".
Second, it will give you a place to "start over" without the labels you've already earned in HS.
Third, you'll get to interact more with gals your own age in a "safe" setting, allowing them to see who you are, without worrying about what "clique" you're in.
Finally, it will give you money to actually go on dates, and prepare you for the real world after HS.

reply to post by mossme89


I didn't read through all the posts, ats members seem to sending you lots of advice.

First of all, popularity is fickle and overrated and even though it may seem like a dream now it comes with its own host of problems and most importantly it makes no difference to rest of your, God willing, long life.

Different circles of friends or cliques have their own little social norms and quirks. Most importantly be yourself, I know that you may believe you can come off as odd, but you have to be true to who you are otherwise you run the risk of getting involved in things that you don't want to or may harm you. But do not let everything that is you hang out either, be a little reserved especially with new people.

First, always leave people wanting more. Not only do you not overstay your welcome, often find a reason to leave early or say you have other plans especially with new people. Even if you don't and end up going home and messing around on ats, they don't know that as far as they know your out doing something way more fabulous than them.

Second, looks are important, I know people say otherwise, they are wrong. You don't have to be genetically blessed or have the most expensive clothes (although I'm not going to lie it definitely helps) but always look presentable, good hygiene and neat clothing (or whatever the style is) goes a very long way.

Third, do not ever act too eager for anything, being aloof and mysterious is always a draw.

As to your specific issue with high fiving the player mid game, never cool unless you're on the team. Otherwise steer clear and after the game offer your congrats. Don't go to the games alone, always have someone with you when you go to school sponsored events.

You said you are a senior and your friends right now are freshmen? Is that absolutely necessary? I understand that you have limited friends in your own grade, but is there no one because it is never socially acceptable for a senior to only hang out with freshmen, at least not if you are trying to even slightly move up the social hierarchy. If you can't get into a club what about a part time job? You will meet new people there who are almost guaranteed to be over 16 so that has the potential to be a triple win. New friends that you want, age appropriate people, and perhaps even from another school which adds to the mystery that is your social life.

Do you belong to any clubs? I know it's a little late in the school year, what about a play or something that isn't season specific.

If you unable to accomplish your social goals in high school, college is a very big place filled with mostly brand new faces and a clean slate, you only have a few months left, and you'll find a lot more people put down their phony high school personas in college.

The only thing I would be worried about with you, is some people, especially socially repressed or awkward people tend to go to college and screw up big time, too much drinking, too much partying, and either fail out or their parents pull them out. I know it tempting but avoid it, only go to parties and such on the weekends, make sure you keep on top of your grades because you will not be doing yourself any favors if you screw up your transcripts because you met a group of people that want you to go drinking with them every night.

Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by mossme89

 

Sorry if it's in the previous 4 pages, but do you have an after school job?

If not, this is GREAT for improving your social abilities. Just be sure to get a job that:

1. Employs others your same age.
2. Requires you interact with both co-workers and the public.

First, it will increase your "dating pool".
Second, it will give you a place to "start over" without the labels you've already earned in HS.
Third, you'll get to interact more with gals your own age in a "safe" setting, allowing them to see who you are, without worrying about what "clique" you're in.
Finally, it will give you money to actually go on dates, and prepare you for the real world after HS.

Also don't forget good hygiene. Shower daily, brush your teeth, keep your hair trimmed, and don't dress like a slob.Don't worry, once you hit college pretty much everyone gets a clean slate. People don't care what or who you were in 3rd grade.

Be yourself and screw everybody else.
Maybe the reason you are having awkward issues is you are trying too hard to fit in.

Sooner or later you will fit in, especially when you figure out about 50% of the population is nuts.

One of the great oddball highschool stories is that of Robert Crumb the cartoonist. Oddball to the extreme, nobody liked him, very awkward, no girls, came from a dysfunctional family, used to wander around the black section of town looking for old black artist records.

He went on to become a famous artist in the 60's and 70's in the hippie rag era.
He was and still is still an oddball and still did not even fit in with the freaks, but they accepted him.
Had tons of hot chicks later on.
These days he is multi millionaire and lives in France.

As the thread unfolds, it is also becoming more apparent that its not really "social" life that you are worried about, but girls.

In a really rich school like you say you are going to now, being a guy without money would be a HUGE disadvantage. HUGE. People with money like to mate with other people with money. If you are a hot poor girl, you have a chance of social climbing. If you are a guy........................much less of a chance.

Going to a community college with people more your own socio economic level will improve your dating odds a great deal. Maybe since you run, you could do some of your training at a park or school in a slightly different area, where you might meet some girls who run track that wont look at you like a walking trust fund.

reply to post by mossme89


I feel for you, I was not liked either as a child going through school, always bullied...then I joined the Marines and took up bodybuilding. The military helped increase my confidence and bodybuilding gave me a lot of positive attention.

You need to find a way to be mentally strong, only you can do it, there is no magic pill or program, you will only feel better on your own. I am not a doctor nor have any experience to give advice to you.

But I can tell you that you are not alone and I hope the best for you...because life is truly beautiful and worth enjoying.!