I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

The LAST thing you should do, is stop trying. Don't cut yourself off, don't sell yourself short and by all means, don't stop trying in anything you do. High school is a b****, any way you look at it, but I PROMISE things get better. People at your age are extremely close-minded to things and think the only thing that they should concentrate on are the popular topics in life (getting laid, drinking, partying, being well liked). But you'll very soon come to find out that all of those things are truly meaningless. How do I know? Because I was one of those kids, and I look back now and hate what I did. I wish more than anything I could go back to freshman year, get awesome grades, go to a spectacular college, be a doctor and help people. Once you hit college (community, university, whatever) your world will open up. You'll find clubs and organizations that share YOUR interests, WHATEVER they may be. People are substantially more open minded and understanding. Are there people who think college is an extension of high school and try to be the most popular? Sure there are, but that's not your issue and people are less likely to ridicule you because of some awkwardness.

If you want some "now" advice? Get involved in things you're into. Whether it's sports, board games, computer programming, fixing things, whatever. There are people who share your interests and are willing to help you overcome whatever it is that holds you back or makes you feel alone. Also, keep trying with people, don't quit on trying to make friends. It's cool that you made a group of friends, who cares about their age. You get along with them and seem to be happy when you hang with them. Call them up and see if they wanna catch a movie on the weekends or do something the group finds fun/interesting as a whole.

It's hard to give a whole ton of advice without direct questions, but I'd be more than happy to answer any questions or help you out more, just u2u me.

all I can tell you is, be yourself and don't worry . For years i felt like you do and I'm in my thirties now , I wish to be accepted also but I like isolation , that's the way I am. I've yearned to meet people and to make friends but you should never try , I believe things just happen the universe has plans for us .

reply to post by mossme89


Hey listen, if you find that you aren't like the majority of people - congratulations. The majority of people find comfort in conforming to social norms and NOT standing out. They're the ones with problems, because they can't even see that they have problems influencing their lives.

Trust me on this - the one's who have it hardest in school but cope well will fly further than anyone else - especially much further than those who appear to have it so easy. Schools an enormous drag for someone who doesn't let the system destroy their soul, I've been there too. Socially, you're forced into a group of random people and you may sincerely like some - but largely you have very limited choice, you're not truly able to choose your friends like you can once you've finished.

Everybody is different but what we all have in common is that every single person in the world has anxieties, shortcomings and insecurities of all sorts - you're just being brave, doing the right thing by admitting it and confronting them. Anxiety can often stem from this, worrying about what people think - but if they don't respect you for being honest and being yourself, then screw them - they're not worth your commitment at all. Life is too short and your energy too limited for you to try to help everyone you see - sometimes, people have to deal with their problems themselves, just try to give a little when you can. In turn, no one else is going to give you what you want or need - you gotta go out there and get it for yourself.

So don't worry about what anyone else thinks about you, the most important thing in this short life is that you understand who you are, who you want to be and that you are happy and confident being yourself/that person. Once you are self-confident, you will talk to people uninhibited and attract like-minded souls. If you find it difficult actually meeting people that you think are interesting or worth the effort, then try going to places where like-minded people may actually hang out - if you're a musician, then go to bars/gigs that play your favourite sort of tunes, if you're an artist then go to a museum, if you like sports go play or watch sports - something along these lines.

Focus on your strengths, try to reduce your weaknesses over time and it will all work out. I don't have that many friends, but I have a few very good friends who not only share some crazy laughs with me when we hang out, but I know I could rely on if I really needed it, I think that's all that matters. Who needs hundreds of drinking buddies that would screw you over or forget about you in a second if you truly needed something?

Hope you've found this somewhat helpful, all the best - stay positive and respect yourself.

So it's the girls your after, huh

My advice in the previous post still stands however:

Drop the freshmen friends, if you want a date you have to ditch them. You can try you luck with a freshmen girl or probably better off with a sophomore or higher. No girl is gonna date a senior whose friends with freshmen.

Do you have a car? If not get a job, so you can get one girls much prefer a ride to walking or taking the dreaded bus.

Do you have money? Again, get a job so you have money to take a girl out. Even if you find one who accepts your invitation for a date, where are you going to go with no money?

Dress well and be clean, that's just obvious.

If your as big of a social outcast as you eluded to, don't bother with girls in your own grade, maybe someone on the lower end of the social scale in the junior class or even a sophomore. You could acceptably date a freshmen, but that's usually too much of a headache and her parents will definitely thing your just trying to get a piece if she is even permitted to go out with you.

Understanding of yourself and who you are is extremely important. Much more so than fitting in or being part of the "norm" - whatever that is anyway...

Keep in mind that many of your peers are just as confused but choose to go about it in a different way. Rather than being patient and seeking answers and guidance as you have they lash out, follow others blindly, etc...

Having a social life at the expense of not being yourself won't always provide happiness. I am guessing that you are not that kind of person. I know it is cliche but just be yourself and show patience and kindness to others. Always stand up for yourself and what you believe in and don't let any bullying force you into changing who you are. Sometimes I think school is more a way to bend us into conforming rather than educating us.

Let me ask you this: what is a social life? Where did the ideas of what an acceptable social life come from? Keep in mind that what you seek may not even be what you really need to feel happy. In this day and age we are constantly bombarded by various sources of information telling us how to live our lives, how to treat others, how to be cool or fit in etc... There are some that would tell you going to a bar every weekend and picking up a different girl is a great social life... To each their own I guess. Your social life is what YOU make of it. Not what your peers are willing to accept or coerce you into.

Be true to yourself no matter what. I think the bravery you have shown to ask these questions here and face potential ridicule is a testament to your character. As others have said, high school is a fleeting experience. Trust in yourself and know that you will experience much more ahead and you will encounter people who respect you for who you are. Good luck man.

My advice:

Remind yourself it is high school - don't get me wrong high school can be one of the most brutal experiences of everyone's lives, but eventually 80% of the kid's grow up and realise how cruel they were and stupid their views were in high school - you will likely find once you are out of school it is not so bad, people tend to treat you more as a human in some way's and less human in others - but you need to believe in yourself.

The best thing you can do to become popular, is stop caring what other people think. People follow people that forge their own path - if you show them you do not care what they think and do what you want to do anyway, it may take time but eventually you will have those who follow you and that number will increase from there. Parents often will not want to waste their money buying you clothes that are labeled etc to help you fit in. If you have a uniform next time you get a new one pick some more relaxed fitting clothes so that it give's you a cool look. You dont have to wear label's just wear clothes that you feel are cool - the majority of others do not have to think so, because there is always someone else who will like your look if you are unique.

When it comes to girl's etc, just relax - they are just people too. Believe in yourself so they can believe in you, if you are struggling fake it until you make it - but make sure you are faking being something you want to be. This really does work.

Above all remember kid's in high school are superficial and not worth wasting your time on trying to get them to like you. Try to control your quirks, or just embrace them and act as if they are the strange one's. You can struggle be the same as everyone else or embrace what makes you different - it sounds like the girl that got angry may like you... ;-)

The children in high schools are animals,

It all flows down from from individual clans and groups with the Alpha and the beta, right down to the lowly pups and the unwanted runts.

Depending on how you present yourself to the clan they will find a place for you in the hierarchy and everyone in that school will eventually sync you into your place either through energetic projection or social communication

"Oh, hes that guy"

My best advice - Dont be that guy - Be who you are.

The problem with high school is that nobody knows who they are - a plastic, marketed, pretty faced mask is the general norm - The greater you can adopt this mask, the greater you will fit into the popular crowd but to be honest this will likely crush your soul, or lessen your progress of remembering who you really are.

You have gifts my friend - Use them to find your own clan.

If you are talented in music, start going to music groups - If you are talented in art, strategy (Chess), Sports, Swimming, Dance, ect. Find the clan!

It is imperative that you seek your passion for birds of a feather will flock together in the most harmonious ways. From the sounds of it when you ran up to your friend and gave her a high five - The parrot didnt want to be seen with a peacock infront of her clan of parrots so to speak.

Its rarely personal - but I can imagine what you are going through - The goose being raised by ducks.

Find your clan my friend - and your social universe will bloom with untold joys.

-GM

I can tell you from experience that it doesn't matter whether you are popular or not. It's not going to help you when you get out of high school. Having many friends isn't going to pay your bills. Most of them end up going away and you lose friends, but as life goes on you'll make new ones. Most of the kids in high school are stupid ignorant kids, do you really want to be a part of them? It's better to be alone than be one out of ten dumb popular kids. Be proud of who you are, keep your head up and you'll see better days. Ps. Girls seem to like those independent boys who keep to themselves. I would know

come on dude it's high school - everything you think is cool about it will be gone soon, the A crowd will be fat losers and life will go on.

What you should do is not care about it and live your life well. If you really don't want to be picked on grab one of them and head butt them no one will mess with you then.

Things will change once you finish highschool. After you graduate, and if you attend a college you will find that everyone has been "reset." During highschool I had a close group of friends who I knew since I was little. I actually wasn't popular, if anything I was mostly quiet and somewhat awkward around people I didn't know. I never got into any fights and was only bullied one time (after standing up to one for a friend was being bullied, it shifted to me but I dealt with it). When I went to university, alot of my fellow highschool graduates went there and the crazy thing was they always would say hi to me in passing and stopped to talk to me.

In highschool everyone was in a social group and often never left them. When you go to college, you gain a huge amount of freedom and movement that may not have been possible in highschool.

My advice? If you feel like you are a wallflower, I would say see what you can get involved with at school. In middle school I had a really hard time talking to anyone I didn't know. People would comment on how quiet I was. My closest friends would ask why I had gone silent or why I didn't talk to X girl. After my first year of highschool, I went out for the Tennis team (having never played and turned out to be pretty good) and made some friends there. Being physically active can do wonders to the way you think and the way you look. Not only did I shed a few of my "baby fat" I got toned and tanned. I felt alot more confident both inside and outside. And then of course the girls played on the same adjoining court so you could interact with them socially in a good active setting. My senior year I finally got the nerve to ask a girl whom I have always like to prom (she played tennis too) and she went out with me!

So it may suck now. Highschool is always a very stressful time. Be yourself, try to get in social situations to work on your skills, be active and be kind and friendly to others. Kindness to others can go a LONG way, and if you garner a reputation as someone who helps others (like with school work or school faculity) it will help you come graduation and post highschool in ways you never expected.

reply to post by mossme89


Awww babe I am so sorry that you have to suffer through this. This truly breaks my heart to see another human being going through this. Your heart is honest and full of joy and I hope that you never lose that. I just will never understand why society feels the need to kill that in people. It truly brings tears to my eyes.

I spent my entire school life "learning" how to conform to what people and society wanted me to be. And I have spent 15 years trying to unravel that...lol. I became just a walking social chameleon, able to fit into whomever and whatever group I happened to be with. And I completely killed who I really was. It also affected my ability to make true friends. I had a LOT of acquaintances in every circle, but no real friends. I didnt trust anyone anymore at face value, because I wasn't real anymore. It has taken a long time to unlearn that and find people who are like the real me. I don't even know what happened to all of those acquaintances after High School...LOL. They aren't even in my life now.

Don't waste all the time that I did. Just wade through all the BS and find people who are real and honest and joyful, like you are.

I know you said you don't want to hear this, but just try to get through this last year and then see what the real world has to offer. Then, if you decide to conform (and I truly hope you don't) then at least it will be in the world that you actually have to live in, instead of the imaginary world of High School. But what I hope you actually do is make your way in the world as you actually are, start your own business, and surround yourself with people just like you.

High school is a tricky one. It felt very important to be cool, wear expensive name brand clothing, tell everyone you're not a virgin, brag about how wasted you got on the weekend. I graduated in 2000, and to honestly tell you the truth, a majority of those cool people are absolute losers now. Their best days are behind them and that is sad. The best looking girls got knocked up and dropped out, the best baseball player got drafted by the marlins out of high school, got hurt and now is an unemployed, undereducated former baseball standout. High school is sooo overrated. I cancelled my facebook page because I want nothing to do with my former high school classmates, especially the girls who never paid me no mind, who now want to catch up now that they know I have a good job. High school is not even the beginning of your life, it's the introduction. Best wishes to ya

reply to post by searching4truth


hey no shame in paying for them to leave : ) it makes things a lot simpler when I travel....hahaha - easier than finding a girlfriend for 2 days...: )

Originally posted by marinesniper0351
reply to post by searching4truth

 

hey no shame in paying for them to leave : ) it makes things a lot simpler when I travel....hahaha - easier than finding a girlfriend for 2 days...: )

No shame at all! Simple, to the point, everyone gets what they want, everyone leaves happy! I think it should be more common.

Be Yourself.
I know it sounds cheesy.
But dont try to be the cool guy.
It wont work.
Be who you are not what they want you to be.
If they like you its a bonus if not, screw em'

Drop being concerned of others opinions of you, drop needing to look good for others and you will be so much more relaxed. And then it will be easier to make friends.

reply to post by mossme89


I think that a lot of ATSers were probably outcasts in HS.

If you decide to go to college, which I would highly recommend, you will have the chance to meet people who may have more similar interests.

Also, you will see that some of the girls are a little more mature and might be looking for a guy like you .

reply to post by mossme89


Mossme89,

Being a Teenager is hard work. Your mind and body are exploding within and without. So on that account alone, give yourself a break, you deserve it. I had some tough times in my teen years, bad achne, being bullied, having interests that were out of the norm. In general I was a "Geek" or "Nerd" or "Dexter", whatever the term is now I'm not sure. However that being said I had a few very close friends and very supportive parents. Lastly I was and am always trying to "know myself", to play to my strengths and to understand my weaknesses to minimize them.

That you are reaching out for advice is to your credit. In the end though I can only speak to my own experiences and hope they give you some insight.

-Be yourself and that means understanding who you are. Like, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses.
-Set goals and work with confidence toward them.
-Know who you can trust. Having one or more trusted mentors to bounce thoughts and ideas off of is a great way to hone your skills, goals etc.
-Remember friends are a "reflection of oneself", if you know who you are, you will be able to see yourself in your friends. If there is something that is preventing you from doing this, look back to the first bullet and work to overcome the weakness that is standing between you are your goals.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

High school is not the be all end all of your social existence. There is so much more after highschool. You feel like you're in a rough place right now because pretty much everything you do isn't helping out your social situation. Believe me, I was in your position in high school. I knew everybody, was cool with everybody but I just wasn't close friends with any of them. I was more of a loner in that sense. But that is just how high school is. Everybody is trying to fit in. My best advice to you is to find a hobby, join/create a group and just be yourself. Find people you share common ground with, don't try to change yourself so that you can fit in.

Life should be easy, not a struggle. It is just about the way you go about things.

You are not in high school to be liked. You are their to further yourself and only yourself,others opinions do not matter at all. And remember, you are forced to be around these people. So if they pick on you just think about the day you graduate and never have to see them again and your free to go to any bar and pick up woman,these woman are in no way affiliated with your school and its hierarchy.

And in todays faster than ever failing society it shouldnt be a bad thing to be an outcast. A good person will be outcast by bad people, they dont want anyone making them feel the wrong things they do are wrong.