I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

Wait till college. Kids aren't as ignorant and judgmental. Get a hobby and focus on that till then.

reply to post by mossme89


I'd suppose you just need to find something you are interested in, and find other with same interest, makes it easier to bond.


as for girls?

Man, can you make them laugh, can you make them feel comfortable? This works on all people.

Originally posted by SunSword
reply to post by mossme89

 

Here is the advice.
1st, pick 3 things. Something you will try. One a physical activity, one a skill activity, and one a mental activity. Might be swimming, one line gaming, learning cryptography. Might be Tae Kwon Do, pistol shooting, playing Go. Might be weight lifting, throwing pottery, studying a science not taught at HS.

Practice each thing for one year. Don't quit. Fill your time with these 3 things. Make a schedule and stick to them. You may make friends while doing them, maybe not. Thing is, you do these for you.

After a year, pick 3 things. Again a physical activity, a skill activity, a mental activity. You are permitted to keep 2 of them the same if you want. Or do 3 new things. Rock climbing, learning welding, doing bible study. Fencing (with swords), learning to draw anime, learning a programming language.

Again practice for one year. Don't quit any of them once started, you must do the full year. Make a schedule and stick to it. Again you may make friends, maybe not.

Here is what you will find. Once you get good at something, and if you behave politely, people who DO THE SAME THING will be polite to you. Over time, you will socialize. Because if you are good at something that other people want to do, and you are nice; many people who do that thing will want to hang with you.

But even if not many do -- you will find your days full of doing stuff that you want to do. And things will lead to things, connections to connections, that you cannot now imagine.

Do this, trust me. You will be happier in a few months. And you will become more self assured, more centered, over time. This is how to grow and grow well.

OMG... did you make that up? You should so write a book on this... the whole Dandelion / Redwood Forest part too! It all is so true, just not so obvious until later. Do you know how many kids need to read this book? Can I have a signed copy?

Look, I'll be quiet honest with you. I am currently a sophomore in Hs, I guess you can say I am one of the so called social butterflies, and trust me, I hate every minute of it. Just the sheer stupidity among my colleagues makes me want to punch walls in this so called high school. You're not missing out bud,be glad you're different.

Originally posted by mutantgenius
reply to post by jessejamesxx

 

Come on. Don't tell him to be an a$$hole. There are plenty of those in the world already. He could be good, he could find a nice girl that loves him for who he is, he could get a good job that he loves, he could break free from the social norms and travel the world on a bicycle. Don't throw him in that bag ok? When you get out of high school everything changes, this stuff doesn't last forever, but if you start being an a$$hole you get a reputation, and its hard to get rid of one of those. Everyone should try to exude love and empathy. We could change the world! Don't worry so much OP, and try not to be an a$$hole.

It's a state of mind. It's not what movies and church want you to think are "big old meanies". Stand up for yourself. Act just a bit shy of cocky..that confidence will probably become a reality.

"Nice guys finish last" Hell, you can be as nice as you want, just don't act like the stereotypical "Nice guy", is all.

visit this site - i think you'd fit right in. jk .. although there are a lot of people on there and you never know, you just might befriend/meet someone online who's planning to study at the same college that you're going to. good luck!

as to socializing, heed the good advice that people here on this thread have mentioned. look for what works in your specific situation and apply it. and no, you don't have a social problem. you're interacting with us and expressing yourself quite well as a matter of fact; and that's all that matters.

reply to post by mossme89


Those nasty chimpanzees bothering you in HS? Dont worry too much about them. In nature the thing to do is spread your genes. Earlier rather than later, because you might die fairly young, so you want to get going on it. The bully kids, male and female, are just doing thier little primate dominance thing, and establishing for the opposite sex their physical dominance. This helps them become sexually attractive to each other, and they form breeding pairs and breed. Young.

But humanity is evolving. And it really isnt necessary to breed as young any more, and physical dominance is not the be all and end all of social dominance. Intelligence matter now, at least as much. So the less physically dominant, either the more balanced, or the intellectual with little physical gifts, they are not out of the game. They just hit their stride later.

Like others have said, we know having a social life is very important to teenagers. We were teenagers too. But we also know that as soon as you hit college, things will change for you a lot. Many of the bully kids will now be on welfare, raising their early babies, and you will find many more late bloomers like yourself to start your own little struggle for dominance and breeding partners with.

Enjoy.

Originally posted by jessejamesxx
It's a state of mind. It's not what movies and church want you to think are "big old meanies". Stand up for yourself. Act just a bit shy of cocky..that confidence will probably become a reality.

"Nice guys finish last" Hell, you can be as nice as you want, just don't act like the stereotypical "Nice guy", is all.

Oh, I get it now.
Hey, I think he's saying 'Don't be a doormat.'
Is that what you're saying? Like... don't be so nice, that people take advantage and walk all over you?

(Cause if not, I'm just gonna up and holler, "STAY AWAY FROM THE A$$HOLE!!!")

I usually find that if I dumb myself down I seem to fit in with people, just don't alert thier "non-conformer" detector. I read somewhere that even from the age of 5, children notice other children that even walk in a dyssynchronous manner than the others, who become the victims of bullying from an early age. It is also these same kids that become most of the megalomaniacs/puppetmasters that rule the world, as well as the more introverted/paranoid individuals.

Drink eggnog and open a piano flossing business. If you have to set up cardboard cut outs of elephants on riding mowers while you play Big Country on a borrowed banjo, then do so with a hasty wit. Or you just may find yourself declared champion of the 2014 winter olympics (floor routine).

reply to post by mossme89

Hi there, mossme89.

It's a long time since I was in high school (34 years, to be exact), but I still remember what it felt like to be the socially awkward one, the one who didn't fit. All these years later I still don't fit very well, but things are different now. I have made a place for myself in the world and won other people's respect. I don't have to bother about fitting in any more, because they take the trouble to accommodate my odd-shaped edges and fit themselves round me.

I'm going to tell you the secret of how to achieve that, but first I would like to review the advice you've already been given in this thread. It will help -- trust me on this -- so read on. I'll keep it as short as I can.

Most of the people advising you here have said something like 'be yourself and let the rest go hang.' The first part of that is good advice -- the best -- but the second is terrible, and you can see how bad it is by reading between the lines of their posts. I'm willing to bet these diehard individualists haven't done too well at finding themselves a place in others' hearts. Some of them sound like they're still fighting the same old adolescent battles in adult life.

One of the best responses you've got so far is from SunSword. It's at the top of page 2 of the thread; I've starred it. He or she advises you to get good at something. It doesn't have to be three things every three years or whatever: just one thing will do, so long as (1) you're genuinely good at it and (2) it's something genuinely meaningful and real. Becoming all-time world Halo champ won't cut it, I'm afraid.

Getting good at something worthwhile will win you other people's respect. Win respect and half the battle is won. But only half. Hold that thought while we look at some of the other responses you've got.

Originally posted by mossme89
My social life IS what makes me happy. It's that interacting with others that really feels awesome.

Originally posted by Annee
Then you are screwed.

I have had many quarrels with this lady on ATS, but that is not relevant here. What is relevant is that her answer to you is unsympathetic, foolish and wrong. Of course interacting with others feels really awesome to you -- you're seventeen, for heaven's sake! At that age, peer approval is the biggest thing in anybody's life. That's the way nature, or God if you prefer, made us. Adolescence (and young adulthood) are the most sociable times of anyone's life.

Besides, you're human, and most human beings like to be around each other. That's why we form families, clans, peer groups, tribes, societies and civilizations. That's why we build villages, towns and cities. It's why we enjoy working and playing together, singing in harmony, even fighting as comrades. Enjoying other people's company, interacting with others, having friends and sexual partners and children is what we are designed to do. Believe me, you are not screwed. You are just as you should be, except that you are socially maladapt and that is -- quite naturally and understandably -- making you unhappy.

By now you will have figured out that I don't believe that becoming an Army of One, as the poster after Annee advises, is going to solve your problem or make you happy. No, the solution is very simple: it is to find a way of becoming more comfortable with other people, and making them more comfortable around you.

The next poster has some advice for you on that:

Originally posted by bandito
Do your personal inventory and if there is something about you that turns people off it may be something that you're not happy with either so get rid of it, change it to something else or work on it.

Bandito has the right idea -- make folk more comfortable around you -- but I believe he is advising you to go about it the wrong way. His solution is the Dale Carnegie solution -- turn yourself into what other people want you to be. That solution just addresses the externals, and if you follow it you will make people think you're a faker and a creep. Besides, you are a unique, valuable human being, and you don't want to lose what's best about yourself by turning yourself into someone else. That never works, anyway.

Okay. Here's what worked for me, and still does. I think it will work for you, too. It's a two-part solution. The first part you have already, courtesy of SunSword: get really good at something worthwhile, something that will win people's respect. An obvious one is sports, but there are plenty of young people competing for excellence in that arena and you won't get very far unless you have pro potential. Even then, sport is a young person's thing; better to pick an art, craft, skill or academic field that will earn people's respect as long as you live. Obviously, though, the thing to pick is the thing you have the most aptitude for. If you can make a career out of it, so much the better -- you'll never look back. Believe me, the royal road to happiness is to find the work you love and do it.

That's part one of the solution. Part two is very different. Pay close attention now, because this is the hardest part, and it's one that won't come naturally to you.

You are, I feel, an inwardly-directed, reflective kind of person. The content and tone of your posts suggests this to me, as does your writing style. Now here's the thing: when you are in company, a lot of your attention is probably still focused on yourself. You're probably focusing on your own discomfort and nervousness, the feelings with which you respond to other people's words, looks, laughter and giggles, etc. You're surrounded by other people, but the person you're most conscious of, all the time, is yourself.

That is what you have to change. If I'm right about the kind of person you are (i.e. someone who is a lot like the way I used to be), then changing it probably seems impossible to you right now. But it's easier than it feels. The trick is to pay close attention to how other people in the group are thinking and feeling, and respond appropriately.

First step: you don't have to be the focus of attention in the group, you don't have to be performing all the time. Relax, sit back and observe the others instead. Their speech and behaviour are clues to what they are really thinking and feeling. Forget about yourself and watch them.

You'll soon realize that other people have their moments of discomfort too, their vulnerable spots, their ego buttons, their special tastes, desires, fears and worries, and that they betray these all the time in their words and actions. People are all just the same in the big ways, the ways that really matter, although we are so different from each other in little ways. Watch others and learn the big ways and the little ways. Become an 'observational psychologist'.

Second step: when you have learned what kind of behaviour (in others) makes people relaxed and comfortable, approachable and sympathetic, and what kind of behaviour makes them nervous and self-conscious, repels or offends themm, try to put yourself in their shoes and work out why. It's really not that hard, because, in the end, you're a person just like them. Watch, learn and develop your empathy.

Third step: once you've got a handle on understanding other people, start using it. Yes, it sounds a bit manipulative. But I'm not suggesting you turn yourself into a creep; just that you do what more socially adroit people do automatically. You don't have their natural talent, so you have to work at it. Think about the effect of what you're going to say before you say it; don't just blurt out the first thing that seems funny or cool to you. Choose your words to create the emotional effect you want rather than using them simply to manifest your own ego. There is no need to assert yourself all the time, or insist upon your own point of view no matter what (I know it can be hard for Americans to accept this ) Learn to be diplomatic. Learn to be kind. And above all, remember that you could always be wrong.

What goes for words goes twice over for actions. Look where you're going -- metaphorically as well as literally. Learn body language, and make use of it to understand how people are feeling and what they are thinking and how best to respond. In fact, read Desmond Morris's Manwatching and take its lessons to heart. Here I must insert a warning: don't try to change your own body language! Again, that's only for fakes, and the truth is you can't really do it convincingly unless you're a trained actor. Besides, you don't want to lie to others about yourself. No, the trick is to watch other people's body language and use the information you get from it. Over time, your own body language will change automatically.

Fourth and most important step: learn to be considerate and kind. In the grand, true scale of things, you are not the most important person in the world. Every other person in the world is equally important, no matter what his or her station in life. If you bear in mind that others' needs and feelings are at least as important as your own, your path through life will become smoother and straighter. And while we're on the subject of kindness and consideration, doing someoen a good turn can go a very long way.

Everything I've said above can be summed up in one sentence. In company, make others and not yourself the focus of your attention and care. You have plenty of time to focus on yourself when you are alone.

Follow this advice and you will win not only popularity and respect among your peers, but also, in the years to come, wealth and worldly success.

Please u2u me if you would like to talk about this some more. The details are important. And if you do decide to follow my advice, u2u me again after you've tried it out for a few weeks, and tell me how it's working.

Yours sincerely,

Astyanax

Innocents wins, experience loses.

Be yourself, dont give in to stereotypical groups. Strong minded people start of reclusive then sprout beautifully later in life.

Originally posted by Salamandy
Drink eggnog and open a piano flossing business. If you have to set up cardboard cut outs of elephants on riding mowers while you play Big Country on a borrowed banjo, then do so with a hasty wit. Or you just may find yourself declared champion of the 2014 winter olympics (floor routine).

I take this back...

This is actually the cure for being overly popular in HS. Keep it real friend and best of luck.

reply to post by SunSword


That's a wonderful technique, I would if I may though add, try not to have any expectations when doing it.

Having many tools in your 'lifes toolbox' is important so look into a few ways and choose what you feel comfortable, my main tool is meditation.

Meditation is another good technique if used in the context that it is a tool for conditioning the mind and developing ways of being. There are a couple of core meditations you could try.

Meditation is not just about sitting cross legged going Ommmmmm, you can meditate walking, eating, drinking, lying down, standing, sitting, in the bath the list goes on. What is important about meditation is the goal you wish to achieve.

1. Confidence Building - 'Contemplation stage' Imagine a situation that you would like to be more confident in and imagine that you are successful in that situation, do this for a few mins and then examine how that is making you feel. 'Focusing stage' now gently hold that feeling in your mind, when the mind wanders gently bring your mind back to that feeling, again do this for a few mins or as long as you feel comfortable.

2. Creating Self Worth - this may seem like a weird one at first but it has amazing results "Contemplation" Bring to mind someone you care about and you know cares about you (could be a friend, family member, person that inspires you) Now feel that that person respects, loves, trusts and believes in you and that you feel the same for the other person, this should create a strong emotional response. 'Focusing stage' now gently hold that feeling you've developed and when the mind wanders gently bring it back to the feeling.

Meditation takes time so you could use it as one of Sunswords activities.

Take care and I hope you achieve what you desire.

reply to post by mossme89


I have a friend like you and we have been mates since kids. Trust me at age 28 he has a really great job and a really hot girlfriend. He will tell you himself he is fat ugly and smell like old people (nor direspect to anyone im nothing special myself) but he was always left out last , very eccentric yet every one still laughed at him. But he has really stuck it to them now cause his girlfriend loves him because he is who he is. Stick with it buddy.

Originally posted by mossme89
I've been bullied and have been an outcast my entire life. I struggle with social norms with what to do and what not to do. I've gotten a lot better, but still mess up a lot. Whether it's saying the wrong think, doing the wrong thing, hanging around too long, etc.

Yeah, me too. I'm in my 40s now, and my life's been a train wreck. But it's also had a lot of good points. Because I've been an outcast I grew to not care what people thought at a young age.Not enough to influence my behavior, at least. Not that my behavior was bizarre. Certainly at odds with the norm, but almost always based on the facts at hand, logic, reason, and striving towards positivity.
This type of conditioning can be a great advantage in truth-seeking. By the time I was 12, I knew about things like the Masons, the Rothschilds, the Rockefeller foundations, the federal reserve, etc.
Because I was not invested in milling about with the herd, I got to enjoy a lot of things that most never will. I feel that this situation overall contributed more to my being a good person than any other environmental influence. When I think of how I could have turned out if I were popular, I would probably do it all over again. I don't think it's necessary to suffer this or any other problem to be a good person, it's also very much how I chose to be. I could have easily been very wealthy if I was willing to do evil things, but I didn't. I'm no saint, but I have sacrificed more than most for the good of others.
One thing in the Zeitgeist movies, other than the content about the fed res and other banking, is true. The quote about how adaptation to a sick society is not a sign of health.

1st off try not to put other people on a pedestal. They are not worth it. No other person will have a better outcome at life than you. In the end we all die high as a kite(dmt). Never look up to or down on other people. Nobody is actually better than anybody.

2nd Your social awkwardness is a blessing in disguise. Never lose it, better yet embrace it. When you do something weird and unexpected and people lash out, They are not really mad at you it's kinda like a defense mechanism. Weird unexpected things hits people at home. These are the types of things that can touch peoples hearts. When you do these things you are basically bypassing the fake face or the ego. Doing so makes weak people feel vulnerable so they lash out. Your social awkwardness will give you incite into who people truly are. You will bring out the "real" in people. Of course it's hard, many people don't like to be real anymore, but I for one will never pick fake over real.

I'm currently a senior in hs, and I feel ya man. I feel the stupidity and ignorance by people, acting all mature and better than what they really are. I can't say i'm an outsider or something like that, people usually talk about me when I walk by them in the halls and such, but I do feel kind of outside.

I usually blame my unhappiness on the mentality they got here in sweden, it's all about partying and living for the moment. It's hard to reach something big and famous so to say around here so they think small, and i'm a guy who is going to college in USA around fall to play football (not soccer), so I kind of think big, and when I say something honest or just straight at them they get afraid and get hostile. It can be as simple as I ask them if they are going to the same school as me at a party because I have seen them there and after a couple of days later one of my friends told me that she thought it was awkard... I mean, why was that awkard? it just shows you that they are dumb and small-minded, and we are so much better than them.

My advice for you is to just find a good hobby, a sport, play around with cars, get a telescope and watch the stars, get a camera and do some photos or just something like that, just to survive the moment we're in. In college, i'm sure we'll find all the right things for us, just think positive that it'll all be better soon and that life is going to rock in just about a half year!! Think of it as a fresh start.

I wish you the best man, hope it all works out for you

reply to post by mossme89

Any advice?,

Look into your own eyes in a mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy. "I am worthy." Note how that feels. Tell yourself that you are awesome. "I am awesome." Note how that feels. Go to bed and fall asleep every night telling yourself these things over and over. "I am worthy. I'm awesome. I am worthy. I'm awesome!"

After a week or two of fall asleep telling yourself these things, go back to the mirror and look into your eyes again and tell yourself that you are worthy. Note the change.

Repeat as needed.

Originally posted by gemineye
Oh, and I'd just like to add that most of the popular kids at school are at the highest points of their lives right now. When high school is over, they move onto the real world and the real world slaps them in the face! It's people such as yourself who end up being the successful ones! Just look to the future! You'll eventually come to appreciate who you are right now and you'll be so glad that you weren't like all those other people!

x2
It's normal to be insecure and socially awkward at that age.

High school will be just a foot note in your life. It sucks for most and for the others that 'had a blast', that was the peak of their life and they'll spend the rest of their lives trying to relive the "glory of their high school days".. if it's any consolidation, just tell yourself a lot of those hot chicks that ignore you now - they will be ringing up your groceries at 40 years old, fat and ugly and went through 4 divorces with a handful of illegitimate kids and those popular guys that loved to pick on you.. in a miserable marriage, lonely, fat, balding, addicts/alcoholics probably spending time in prison. It's funny how things turn out. Where you end up is up to you. There ARE consequences for all your actions/decisions.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you everything will be good after high school because it won't. Life is not fair and there will be situations that are beyond your control.. Life will be full of good AND bad regardless of who you are. Bet on that.

The time is coming when you will have to take on the tremendous responsibility and enormous stress of bills, trying to make a better life for yourself, providing for you and your family, presumably putting food on the table for your children. If you screw up or don't produce, you're in the street and they go hungry. That is a lot of weight on your shoulders. Enjoy your youth while you can.

The good news is:
Your on the right track.
Joining an athletics group is great! You learn acceptable social behavior from interaction with others and there is a lot of 'camaraderie' in sports.

And props keeping the grades up. It's just hoops you have to jump through. You will find life is full of hoops you have to jump through and your almost to the finish line. Don't slouch your last year - You've made it this far.

I guess your going to college next. Things will drastically change if it's a school of any significant size. It will be a 180 for you. No cliques, lots of diversity and real world experiences.

Lastly, do you have any older males in your life to be a role model? The transition from insecure / socially awkward teen to adult is easier when you have someone to look to as an example. I would suggest that you check out a group like habitat for humanity, a local soup kitchen or maybe volunteer at nursing home where you can learn the true happiness that comes with giving to others and to be around positive adult influences. Learn from your elders.

Good luck man.