posted on Oct, 11 2022 @ 10:16 AM
Good morning everyone! I hope everyone is well. It is always exciting to see posts being made in this thread and still astounds me that we are all
still here in the capacity we are. While I am very forthcoming and verbose in real life as well, I think it is very cool that you all know me in a way
that is much more intimate that most of the people in my life. While I have vocalized my desire to meet you all in real life, it isn't necessary in
order to make these relationships feel substantial. They may be made of different things than our other relationships but I think they mean just as
much.
I don't have anything that I necessarily want to discuss but I am hoping you all will allow me to vomit onto the screen for a few moments. I have been
struggling to sleep for a few weeks now, but the last 2 nights were extra troublesome, most likely due to the moon I suspect. It is also partially the
coffee I drank at 3pm to try some new beans, and abstention from herbal vices. As I was laying in bed last night I solved half of my problems, and a
quarter of the worlds and I was certain I would remember it all. Alas I woke up to a clean slate, which maybe I should have just accepted but instead
I am trying to force myself to remember which is why I figured I would write until I did.
Last evening was a difficult one at my house because the long weekend was over and there was homework to do. Math is one of the few subjects in school
that I can do successfully but it sometimes creates tension. My son is so much like how I was at his age, and he overthinks things and doubts himself
and his ability to find solutions. It can be stressful for me because I can see that his issue isn't misunderstanding the concepts or inability to
understand them but rather going too fast and making simple mistakes. I want to help him overcome this but I am not sure I have the tools to do it,
but luckily I think my family members do. Not only that, but they are eager to help us. It's not that we have bothered them, or are being a burden. I
of course am not surprised but it still overwhelms me with gratitude. I am not surprised because these are the people that I love the most in the
world, and not because I have to but because I have chosen to. If they weren't my family I would feel the same way about them.
This has made me realize that both he and I need to start going to therapy. I think there are some things going on in the boys head that would benefit
from therapy, and I know I would. I am getting concerned about myself lately, and believe I am recognizing some aspects of mental illness that have
plagued the males on one side of my family. I think many of those signs have been there since I was a kid but I was never treated for anything because
I would never tell anyone what was really going on in my head. Once I hit my teens I started self medicating with THC and ran that train for the next
20+ years.
When I abstain, the things going on in my head change drastically. What happens is I start getting manic almost immediately. There is a chance that it
isn't mania, that it is just "me" without any influence however that "me" is totally unsustainable. It's too much, to often, and the buzzing inside is
never ending. I can only do it for so long before I need to start the medication train back up in order to get some peace and stop freaking everyone
out. I then go into my depressive state which I have always thought of as my "normal" state. The mania feels very good and I accomplish a lot of
stuff, but it can be disruptive because I am suddenly taking action on a million things I had been putting off or ignoring for months or years. If it
was just about me, I think what I have done could be sustainable although it would continue to have issues in certain parts of my life. It's not at
all just about me though, and I can't ignore this at the expense of my son. I am not abusive, I don't yell, our house is clean and has food, I am not
trying to describe some terrible environment or anything like that but I need to make sure he understands that I am a little bit crazy and always have
been. He needs to understand that my personality changes are not due to something he has done or not done and totally independent of anything going on
outside of my body.
These are not things that I am just suddenly aware of, I am always aware of them. I do put a lot of effort into trying to control those things with
healthy tools but I think it has either grown too big to control, or it was always too big and I just wasn't aware or was fooling myself. I really
need help because I would like to try and experience life through a different perspective for the boys sake and honestly for my own as well. I need
more than just medication though I think, or maybe medication will have me finding that I am actually capable of helping myself in the ways I think
impossible right now. It also scares me though, because I fear who I will be. Even though there are aspects of myself that I either don't like or
would like to change, they are still what makes me me and it makes me feel kind of bad to think I need to apologize for that. It is counter intuitive
to how I view the world and the people in it. I suppose I could always just try it and see how it goes. It's not like I am asking to be lobotomized or
something.
In the wake of a divorce and very mild foray into dating or being romantic with someone new I am realizing a lot of things about myself. I have never
really had a partner that was into the same things I was or that understood me despite my openness. I have never had a girlfriend that shared my
hobbies, or read the same books as me, thought about similar topics, etc. Since I was a child I got part of my self worth and self esteem from who
found me attractive and what they were willing to do with me sexually. I attributed very little value to myself outside of my ability to attract a
lover and so while I always had a decent pool of participants to draw from I was also always desperate for those people and rarely used a good
criteria for choosing. This is obviously a terrible thing for a child and adult to think of themselves and it can be seen manifested in all aspects of
my life ever since. For instance I criminally undervalue my labor or ability to contribute to a business or enterprise. Even though I think of myself
as a good worker and employee I would never expect good wages or sale prices despite the actual value of my contributions or goods because if I didn't
value myself in anyway why would anyone else? This also applies to the women I chose to be with, which sounds very insulting to them but it isn't how
I mean it. Rather I have never searched for the attributes or perspectives I actually want in a partner because I thought I probably didn't deserve
those things.
continued..