My ex just killed himself...

Losing someone, especially someone who was your ex-fiance is quite a hard thing to deal with and learn from.

I lost my wife of 16 years recently and I feel like she took half my heart with her. Her birthday is in ten days from now. Go to the funeral as it will give you the closure that you need unless the girlfriend is the one in charge and she says no.

Hugs to you for what you are dealing with. All the emotions that you are or will experience are natural. Take care of yourself. Ignore all the would of, should of, could of's as we can not go back in time to change things.

Yes, I am sorry that this has happened to you.

“It is easy to live for others, everybody does. I call on you to live for yourself.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Source of Emerson Quote

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Don't blame yourself.

You are going to go through grief, which has stages of guilt and doubt but just don't let it last.

Most probably, he wasn't thinking straight and by not answering, you will get less blame than if you had said something.

If someone does blame you, it may be their personal grief and guilt working and not something they have reasoned out, so be gentle and forgiving. If you expect it it won't come as a shock, if it doesn't happen that's even better.

Just don't think that you are responsible. It isn't true.

That would be "loss" of life. Got ya.a reply to: OtherSideOfTheCoin

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: ketsuko

In the end...I feel like he did it because he knew I was still a sap enough to let him. He knew I still had feelings for him..I think he wa hoping I would tell him to come back. But I never did, as hard as it was to keep telling him to stay with her..

No. You're not a sap and neither was I. If he was like my ex, he was using you and manipulating you. He made you vulnerable emotionally.

He may not have been aware of what he was doing to you, and you were honestly invested, but it wasn't healthy.

The sooner you deal with that and deal with your grief because you did know him and cared honestly for him, the better off you will be. But you aren't a sap. Don't start to think like that.

So to sum up. You've been at work since 6:54am this morning. That's the time that your thread hit the boards. According to that thread you are already at work & not late. So your work allows you to sit and reply to folks on ATS up until 10:56am. And you replied to damn near everyone. I have to agree with othersideofthecoin on this one. a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

If you don't attend the funeral, you will regret it. It seems to me that in your heart, you already have your answer, that you should be there to say your goodbyes. You have that right and his Mother invited you to attend.

I am so very sorry you have to deal with this. Like everyone else has been telling you, it is not your fault. Hugs!

originally posted by: ketsuko

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: ketsuko

In the end...I feel like he did it because he knew I was still a sap enough to let him. He knew I still had feelings for him..I think he wa hoping I would tell him to come back. But I never did, as hard as it was to keep telling him to stay with her..

No. You're not a sap and neither was I. If he was like my ex, he was using you and manipulating you. He made you vulnerable emotionally.

He may not have been aware of what he was doing to you, and you were honestly invested, but it wasn't healthy.

The sooner you deal with that and deal with your grief because you did know him and cared honestly for him, the better off you will be. But you aren't a sap. Don't start to think like that.

You hit the nail right on the head, he was trying to manipulate her, hence the years worth of phone conversations and allusions of cold feet. He was playing all the angles he could and wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Reya carries zero responsibility for how things turned out. He chose to cheat and ruin that relationship, that's on him. He chose how he was going to end the story, and thats on him. Her only crime is caring and showing empathy for someone who clearly had none and it's a shame. She deserves far better than to be saddled with the guilt of someone else's decisions and manipulations.

Reya, my heart goes out to you... you know how to get ahold of me if you need an ear to vent to.

That's terrible. I can't, given that I have never experienced anything like this, imagine what you must be going through. I suspect you're ate up with "what ifs."

My best advice would be to dwell on the "what ifs" as little as possible. Of course, it's easy for someone who isn't going through what you're going through to say that.

I am not going to bother with giving my view of suicide because it's not conducive to anything really. Just know that I am sorry for your loss and if you just need someone to listen to you, I am here.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

'Always here...I ck ATS at least once everyday. God Bless again. Think happy thoughts....

Peace, Love 'n Light...always

MS

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Hi Reya, sorry for your loss. I connected with your story somewhat...and I know you're feeling many things at the moment. I wouldn't want you to tear yourself apart dwelling endlessly on what took place given the strong bond you shared with your ex. Personally, I would do the following things in this event, after the initial shock phase of what just happened, why? And thinking about what to do...

1: Visit the funeral, and honor him and his family and be respectful to the ex fiance, showing sorrow to let her know that your sincere and had no bad play in this. And to give her space to get through this as she may very well be thinking negatively of you right now.

2. Most importantly, have a moment with yourself at the funeral and the fellah to get closure and honor him. Talk to him in your head even if you want, just to let it out. Otherwise you will regret not doing this in future when you look back a year from now, to not have not gone through the process of acknowledging it and honouring him when funeral time came.

3. Go through the mourning process properly, give yourself time to reflect but accept it wasn't your fault he took his life, he wasn't stable enough in the beginning and had internal struggles. You didn't do anything wrong at all, you did everything perfectly right leading up to the missed calls. You did your part as a human being.

Remember him for the good, and don't dwell on the negative side, as you may never get the answers as to why this happened, so don't drag yourself into a coma of pain. And when the time is right, try to have that honest talk with the fiance, level with her, that you had no idea what was happening, and just ask if she knew why this happened, be honest, she will see the honesty and make peace with you.

It's important for you to try and get closure in a peaceful way with everyone, so there's less hurt down the line, in your mind. It helps that much more when getting through this to be on good terms with all parties.

Reya, you are not to blame.

My cop's instinct went off when you said that he texted you numerous times. I was thinking he wanted to have you there with him.

I'm glad you didn't answer...

Wonderful thoughts and prayers to you.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth




Sorry for your loss; if I were in your situation I would send a card to his mom, fore go the service, pay my respects to him later and separately of the fiancée.

That's just me though, you have to do what feels right for you.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth


I had a good friend who I worked with for 15 years, who ended up taking his own life. There were no outward signs of it coming, except he had a deterioration in health that I believe contributed to his choosing to kill himself. Later I came to find that he had been fighting depression for many years, and it was not something that manifested itself abruptly. I am sure its the same in the case of your ex. Suicide is usually the culmination of some very longstanding problems. Don't feel responsible. It would have happened eventually even if you had talked to him that night, if he really intended to do it.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

My condolences. As others here have already stated, remember one thing. This was NOT your fault.

Sending you positive vibes in this time of sadness. I have no advice other than to look after yourself and do what you feel is right or what feels right.

a reply to: openminded2011

Very well said, you hit it on the nail. It's hard to see it coming, we can't peer to the minds of others, but these things that build up over time and culminate when complete hopelessness sinks in.

An Internal struggle that many don't see.

I would not attend.

Someday she will confront you and ask you what he said.

I feel for the wake of heart-broken people he left behind.

That might be the most selfish act I've ever heard of...

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth
I am very sorry for your loss, but I must say you are a beautiful woman and I love the field you are in. I would love to chat with you and hope to make you feel better as well.

I think you dodged a bullet by not answering, even if you had answered and talked him out of killing himself, this time, you would have been stuck for the rest of your life babysitting a mental unstable person,over the phone.

originally posted by: rippedtrojan
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth
I am very sorry for your loss, but I must say you are a beautiful woman and I love the field you are in. I would love to chat with you and hope to make you feel better as well.

Seriously? You really think this isn't the appropriate time to hit on someone? I find that appallingly insensitive and selfish. And that's the version I can put in print without violating ATS T&C. You should be ashamed of yourself.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Sorry for your lost, but you shouldn't feel responsible for the decisions your ex made.

Neither you, nor anyone else should have to deal with a partner who cheats. You didn't make him cheat, he decided for himself just like he decided to end his life.

if you had stayed with him, and married him he would have continued to cheat on you. Not to mention that the last decision he made makes me think he could have even killed you if you had stayed with him.

You should not feel responsible for those decisions he made, and imo you made the right choice.