My ex just killed himself...

a reply to: soberbacchus

Thank you for your condolences. And no, she isn't pregnant, as far as everyone that knows her is concerned. I'm not sure of all the detail pertaining to their relationship and how close they were or how rocky/not rocky things may have been. Even during those times that he made the calls to me expressing doubts, he never had a clear and concise way to describe why he was having the doubts; he was often vague about it..

a reply to: Lysergic

Thank you for your support, I sincerely appreciate it.

a reply to: Thanatos0042

And that is my main issue. I genuinely feel like I would feel some form of closure, but again...the last thing I want is for drama and a confrontation to occur. In all honesty, I don't truly know her as a person..I have never met her personally and therefore do not know what kind of person she is or what type of personality she has....so I'm not sure what could ensue.

a reply to: Thanatos0042

Your post was very heartfelt and I truly do appreciate the very kind words and advice. You didn't post too late...I'm still obviously shaken up but coming here and reading the words of you fantastic and kind people is helping me in ways I never thought possible. Being able to talk about it, even if through this forum setting with people I've never met..it does help. Especially considering I lack close connections where I am.

Thank you so much.

Suicide in most cases is a selfish act. I can see if a person has a terminal illness or something. It hurts and effects the ones that love you the most. He cheated on you and you're a fool if you think he cared. That also was a selfish act in itself. The guy sounds like a total asshole. I've been through a lot of # myself and I'm careful about who I let in my life. I'd rather be completely alone then surrounded by assholes.

she doesn't have family there or any really close friends so she unloaded here...nothing wrong with that.....to Reya if you don;t have medical insurance or don't want to wait for an appointment you can call a hot line to talk to someone....people at work may notice something is off wrong with you..you might want to tell them but that is your call
giving you (((((((((((hugs)))))))) hope posting here helped you sorry you went through this horrible situation..................don't let survivers guilt eat you up

originally posted by: OtherSideOfTheCoin
I really do think that any lose of innocent life like this is horribly sad and from personal experience I know how painful suicide can be for those left behind.

but......

why post about this on ATS?

I don't want to sound like a total dick but it seems like the new way to get a little bit of popularity, a few stars and a few flags is to post a sob-story.

a reply to: research100

Thank you for the virtual hugs and the caring advice. It is something I have definitely considered. If this gets to the point where I feel like it interferes with my work...I will definitely let someone know a brief idea of what is going on...just ot make them aware. And I did consider a hotline as an option...should I need it.

I am thankful to everyone here, as yes, it has definitely helped to talk with everyone.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I know my opinion is the unpopular one and it goes against the grain, but I am steadfast in it. If you feel it is important for you to attend the funeral, then what you need to do is let his parents know and let them know you are concerned about a confrontation with the fiance and ask them to help ensure that doesn't happen. Be honest, be upfront. They don't want drama either.

Unless you are confronted by her, you really most likely won't have any interaction with her. But only do this if you feel it's important for you. You already know it's important to his parents, but you don't owe them anything more than you want to give them.

I don't really know how important you were to his parents and to him, even though you two broke up. Sometimes ex's retain a very important place with each other, even if both have moved on to other people. The important thing for you to do is look yourself in the mirror and say, "Can I live with this decision without regret?" and go from there. Regrets pile up and can be heavy over time, so be wise and minimize the ones you gather.

People may speak badly about him and his suicide and how it shows he didn't care, but when your head gets messed up and your emotions are all up and down and all over and everything is spinning...you're feeling cornered or trapped and can't find the head space to think clearly, even irrational choices sometimes seem to make perfect sense. I say that, because if you can, you should forgive him. Life is too short to let it be filled with negativity when you can fill it with positive things.

You are very welcome - you have received a lot of great advice and words in this thread and I am glad they help you. When my mother died and I had no one, it was online friends who broke into my real life and made sure I made it through, even when my relatives didn't come to help me out. Just because it's online, doesn't mean it can't help you through bad situations. Especially when you don't have anyone real time that can help.

Life and death are messy businesses and when you add in drama, it can all be intolerable. Whatever decisions you make, get at least a good night's sleep first. Two if you can. You should never make big decisions if your brain is fuzzy. Then make the decisions that you can live with and still look yourself in the eyes in your mirror.


At your service.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

People commit suicide for a number of reasons. My own story is about someone who WAS a deep friend who helped me through a rough patch in my life (finishing my PhD thesis). She kept me sane. But we parted ways over stupid # (I was stubborn, she was stubborn). We had lost touch when I moved to the USA, but vaguely patched things up, and when I moved back, she was distant (she hated my wife). I don't just mean "distant because of time" but avoiding contact, trying to hide from me in public. Two years later ...I am part of the local Search and Rescue group(A volunteer group). . We are called out to find a missing woman, in her 30's. Slight, Blonde, thin. They said the name at the briefing ..... Oh dear gods, it was her name. Then they confirm its a suspected Suicide. We are trained to find these sorts of cases, where to look (another story for another day).... we search local properties first. Thankfully I did not find her. I'm not sure I could have coped with being the person who did.


At a wake we held, it became apparent she killed herself to get away from an abusive relationship. Turns out she was engaged to a guy who beat her. This was a STRONG woman, and she choose to do this, rather than come to some of us who could help (I certainly could have). Her fiance played the victim card ("Oh noes I lost the love of my life"). It is then I discovered who he was, a guy who had been abusive to another close person to me.

So my friend, she killed her self, to escape a situation she saw as unfixable. She most likely worried I was going to "deal with" her fiance if she told me (I would have). She likely felt shame. So she decided to have control. It destroyed several of us. To this day, I am at a loss, there is a hole. As much as I loved my friend, she took a somewhat selfish exit to my mind. And that neighbour is the problem, MY mind is not HER mind. My answer would have been to destroy the #er, hers was to deny him. I still find myself shaking my head over it.

So people do things, for odd, strange, and incomprehensible reasons.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

This is really sad and I hope you pull through. But is posting this on a public conspiracy forum the best place for this?

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

How sad at this point you don't believe in the afterlife.

I'm so sorry, what this man did to you and all he knew is selfish and narcissistic to the max.

I hope you take a moment to find great peace - and in that peace you find a place in your own heart for where you will go when you're 'gone'.

I'm not posting this to be mean, but in a tough love kind of way.

I think you're a very special person who is too smart to just think lives go up in a puff of smoke, the end.

peace to you, many hugs and, I to lost a loved one to suicide.

If you ever want to talk I'm only an email way.

peace

a reply to: silo13

Out of curiosity why is it sad that she does not believe in an afterlife? My views on an "afterlife" (as a Pagan) are likely different to yours. So would MY views be sad? Or is it just the lack of belief in something unprovable? I'm not trying to start something, juts find out why you made that statement.

I find it disappointing how many people are so cold and callused, not to mention judgemental to a soul that was suicidal.

A person that commits suicide is in a state of mental illness so severe , and we do not know or experience the pain and hopelessness they may feel.

Obviously , there was more going on within this man , and do any of us really have the right to judge ? Who knows ? Maybe he was running away from extreme judgement of some kind , and he just gets more piled on after he's dead .

Someone once told me to never disparage the dead, and always pray for them, especially for the souls of suicides. They have great remorse and need forgiveness more than judgement ... and some just can't seem to forgive a soul and mind so wounded that somehow it decides to take its own life .

This is not on Reya , but I don't think we are helping by calling down her ex , who she obviously had fond feelings for.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

My father-in-law killed himself via gun in December 2015. It took my wife a long time to somewhat get past it. I don't know that she ever truly will. The feeling of guilt is so strong for those close to ones who commit suicide, but it is not their fault. In fact, all too often people think about it for years before they ever come to that critical moment where their finger is on the trigger. Pull it, or don't? It is their choice.

He already decided to do it before he tried to call you. He was calling to say goodbye. You could have told him it was time to get back together, and odds are he would have found a way to justify it still.

I'm truly sorry you and his loved ones have to experience that. It's a tough one to face.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I have a hug for you, but no advice. I am so sorry for your loss. This was not your fault.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

What a horrible situation for you! Sympathies for that, and for the loss of someone who was at one time important in your life. For the service, I'd say, go if you want to. His mother says you should, and she's his actual family. You were important to him, clearly, too, so you should have a chance to say goodbye. You can avoid the fiancee. It's not your fault he did what he did, or that he chose to contact you instead of her, either, and she's going to have to accept that.

Give yourself some time to grieve, too, and do try and rest when you can. Don't blame yourself, because you had no way of knowing. Even if you'd answered, he might have done the same. His decision, not yours.

Again, very sorry for your loss, and all this pain and confusion.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Something else to add here. The timing might not be the best, but I believe you need to hear this. Perhaps the other woman does as well. This guy was not good news for you. For either of you. Cheated on you, then clearly wanted to on her, calling you all the time as he was doing. Not a faithful guy, and obviously troubled in other ways, and possibly quite manipulative. Likely best for both of you that you didn't end up with him.

Do talk to someone, if you need to, and don't hold things in. Don't feel responsible, either, I have to reiterate, because you already know he's the one who decided what he did. Still a chock, I am sure.

Never went through that, but we did lose a friend to alcohol poisoning, and I wonder sometimes if he did that on purpose. He was troubled, and we did talk, as much as I was able to, but it wasn't enough, apparently. I can wish I could have done more, but I couldn't. He did what he did, deliberate or accidental, and that's it. Was a shock, though.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I'm so sorry for your loss, Reya.

Suicide is a very selfish act, and it leads to a great deal of heartache and turmoil for those who are left behind to grieve. You have to acknowledge this fact. You will cry. You will get angry. You will be depressed. But also realize that this is the normal grieving process in action and it will get much worse before it gets better.

But...it will get better!

Right now you're in shock. Anybody would be. But you aren't alone in your sorrow. Many others are feeling the same way. So even though I wouldn't expect you to be comforted by his family, at least you can take solace in the fact that you aren't on this healing journey alone.

Also, please try not to ponder on the "What if"s that will crop up in your mind. Stick to the concrete facts. You are not to blame, nor did you owe him anything. Maybe their were signs you missed, but still...not your fault. It was his decision to make and he made a selfish one. Depression sucks, but seeing as he was an adult and had all his mental faculties, I'm sure he knew the avenues available to him to get help. He didn't. He felt extreme pity for himself, which, ironically, is actually a very selfish act in itself.

Just remember that time heals all. I know its a cliche statement, but it really is true.

Life was putting him through a test, but he failed. Now life is putting you through one. Make sure you pass.

I once had a friend in highschool named Russ, he was a grade older than I but we were from the same neighborhood, rode the same bus, and became friends. I wouldn't say we were super close or anything, but friends nonetheless. I left for the service a month after I graduated highschool, spent six years away, and came home. Russ and I ran into each other at a bar once I came home and reconnected. I was on unemployment at the time and Russ worked a shift that allowed him to sleep in everyday, perfect recipe for drinking in your mid 20s. We hung out a few times a week slamming beers until 4-5am, this went on for a few months. One morning I woke up and found out Russ had hung himself the night before. What blew me away was I never even knew anything was bothering him. He was always in a good mood and we would spend the nights laughing, watching ridiculous movies from the 80s, and talking. I'm not saying he would have told me he was contemplating suicide, but you would think whatever was bothering him would have came out, especially after a late night of drinking, but it never did.

You got a long road ahead of you. You'll contemplate this for the rest of your life. This occurred to me seven years ago, I still think about it. Russ's number is still in my phone. The good news is, the human spirit is a remarkable thing. It won't always hurt like it does now, you know this I'm sure, but sometimes we need to be told again. Human beings have a way of "getting over" anything no matter how painful the situation is. Life will go on and you'll get back to normal. You are a good person and you were a good friend to your ex, its obvious from your post. Sometimes terrible things just happen, nothing you can do about it. If you feel like you want to go to the funeral service to pay your respects, I say you should go. I would probably slide in, go say whatever I needed to say to him, and leave. Funerals are always stressful and full of emotion, even more so when it's sudden, like a suicide. This happened, you didn't cause it nor could you have prevented it, in your heart you gotta know that.

I'll say a prayer for you. Hang in there. If you need to talk or vent, I been there, feel free to message me. God bless.

You take care now Reya, I'm glad my words were welcomed, too much of life is stressful, there needs to be a way to let it out, I myself have done this about my 17yr old daughter Serena who is a recovering anorexic, she's been through hell and back but the kindness shown on here has really helped.

So I pay it back with the same kindness,,,

Keep swimming and teaching and of course learning...

Paul.