My ex just killed himself...

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Anger is all part of the grieving process.

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: iTruthSeeker

It was pretty much out of nowhere...had I thought this time was any different I maybe would have picked up. Part of this guilt I feel is from after having let the call go to voicemail, I made the choice to silence my phone and not look at it until I got home and by that time it was too late.

Sometimes we are protected from things without knowing why.

Im so sorry for your loss.

I saw a metaphor on a show once that resonated in regards to suicide.

A suicide bomber leaves a circular path of destruction with the people closest to them getting the worst of it, and it spreading out from there.

Those left behind after a suicide are emotionally hit by the act as surely as the blast radius from a bomb and the closer you are the harder you are hit.

And just like the victims of terrorist acts, you are in no way responsible for someone else's act of violence.

I hope you will connect with a professional if you need help getting through this. It is a heavy burden.

May you find peace.

originally posted by: Raxoxane
a reply to: Macenroe82

I am very sorry to hear about this,Reya.But also not wishing to sound cold,i agree with Macenroe,and other similar sentiments expressed.The feeling i got from reading your story-he had that "hole in his soul" to start with.When being in a relationship with you did not fill it,he thought maybe he could find someone else to fill it for you.But one cannot heal oneself through anyone,or anything external.It has to come from inside oneself.It is not the fault of you,his fiance,or his family.Some people have totally Brutal lives but they manage to hang in there.I am sorry for your grief and shock,but that is normal.Please do not feel guilty-he made his choices,there was literally nothing you could have done.And you were even a friend to him after being viciously hurt and betrayed by him.You did all you could.A big big virtual hug to you,please do not feel guilty.

Thank you for this. Seriously. Seeing a lot of this type of advice is really helping me to see a lot more clearly. I truly, truly appreciate it. It's hard when you were once so close to someone and they go and do something like this. I appreciate the virtual hug. I really ,really do.

a reply to: Raxoxane

Thank you for backing me up. This wording means a lot to me as well. I tried to convey, as best as I possibly could, that I didn't really have anyone to go to. I feel like I'm even more on an island than I did previously. And like I said in my OP, I came here...because I've seen how amazing you ATSers have been for others going through some form of hardship or struggle. I wanted some honest advice and some honest perspectives...so even if I were to go to one of my general acquaintances with something so heavy like this...I feel like they wouldn't know what else to do other than to offer condolences without knowing how to give me an honest opinion. And as a logical person, like I stated...I need honest perspectives and advice.

Thank you.

originally posted by: AboveBoard

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: iTruthSeeker

It was pretty much out of nowhere...had I thought this time was any different I maybe would have picked up. Part of this guilt I feel is from after having let the call go to voicemail, I made the choice to silence my phone and not look at it until I got home and by that time it was too late.

Sometimes we are protected from things without knowing why.

Im so sorry for your loss.

I saw a metaphor on a show once that resonated in regards to suicide.

A suicide bomber leaves a circular path of destruction with the people closest to them getting the worst of it, and it spreading out from there.

Those left behind after a suicide are emotionally hit by the act as surely as the blast radius from a bomb and the closer you are the harder you are hit.

And just like the victims of terrorist acts, you are in no way responsible for someone else's act of violence.

I hope you will connect with a professional if you need help getting through this. It is a heavy burden.

May you find peace.

Thank you..I really do like that quote and it helped me to read it. I appreciate the advice..I truly do. Talking with everyone on here has made a tremendous difference...more so than I actually expected it would. And I will opt for professional help if for some reason things continue to feel hopeless and like they are.

Thank you.

a reply to: OtherSideOfTheCoin

why post about this on ATS?

I don't want to sound like a total dick but it seems like the new way to get a little bit of popularity, a few stars and a few flags is to post a sob-story.

You're probably the last person on this site that should be talking about "pointless" threads for flags and stars..

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Wow... So sorry. 1st... By your wall of emotions here... That's good. Keep talking about it, get even minimal couseling because it will help.

2nd... It's not your fault... Forget the what-if's, should've, could've, fate is fate... It was meant to happen because it did, you know?

It could've been worse for you if you HAD gotten married. But you did not because you we're not supposed to. I doubt there was anyway, anyone could've prevented it.

Don't be hard on yourself... God has a plan for you.... P. M. me or any of us anytime... I'm here... Because I've been there... and it was horribly worse with mine.

God bless you... Time heals... It never goes away.. but it does get better... Peace.... MS

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I think you're lucky this guy is permanently out of your life.

Change your phone number ... and move on.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I am not sure what others have said, but I read what you wrote.

Funerals are for the living not the dead...meaning although he was last to try to talk to you and would have wanted you there his wishes or wants are irrelevant over the living and causing more pain to them. So if his mother and Fiance do not want you to attend I do hope you respect that and visit his grave or whatever after the fact. Since it is most likely his mother who will be holding the service she is who you want to show the most respect to and if she invites you go, and unless approached by the Fiance it is best not to engage her. If you are left ambiguous do not go as they are unsure and do not wish to hurt your feelings, but also do not want you there or may but don't want a scene or confrontation. If she says no, then chose to respect her wishes no matter how you think he would feel because it is no longer about him...

I do understand the grief you are feeling and the possible guilt. but again those were his choices and I hope you will make good ones for your life and those around you! I had something happen to my then GF this past year with a suicide in her life, it affected her in very unseen ways so I hope you will also seek counseling. I wish you the best and know and hope you will recover.

Take care!

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

You know where I am.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I know we've clashed on here, but I just wanted to say keep your head up. You need to let out all your emotions and ATS is a great place for it, ignore the losers. If you want to attend the funeral, you should, because it's not about his fiance, it's about him.. show your respect and move on for good. It might actually be the closure you need.

Take care.

originally posted by: mysterioustranger
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Wow... So sorry. 1st... By your wall of emotions here... That's good. Keep talking about it, get even minimal couseling because it will help.

2nd... It's not your fault... Forget the what-if's, should've, could've, fate is fate... It was meant to happen because it did, you know?

It could've been worse for you if you HAD gotten married. But you did not because you we're not supposed to. I doubt there was anyway, anyone could've prevented it.

Don't be hard on yourself... God has a plan for you.... P. M. me or any of us anytime... I'm here... Because I've been there... and it was horribly worse with mine.

God bless you... Time heals... It never goes away.. but it does get better... Peace.... MS

Thank you so much, so very very much. Your words are so incredibly kind and I sincerely appreciate them.
I will take you up on that if I ever need it...I truly appreciate the generous offer. It means more to me than you may know.

a reply to: abeverage

Thank you for the sound advice. I completely agree, as it is about the living grieving over the lost. The conflict comes in with the mother wanting me to attend, but the fiance not wanting me there. I, naturally, want to be respectful to all those involved in the best way I can.

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: abeverage

Thank you for the sound advice. I completely agree, as it is about the living grieving over the lost. The conflict comes in with the mother wanting me to attend, but the fiance not wanting me there. I, naturally, want to be respectful to all those involved in the best way I can.

I made a slight edit so I hope it was before you read what I wrote. Again if the Mother is the one holding the service you choose to respect her wishes and you do your best not to cause conflict by not engaging unless approached by the fiance leaving this to her. This is a time of healing and despite all of what you know he was obviously not living the life they believed or himself as well.

originally posted by: knowledgehunter0986
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I know we've clashed on here, but I just wanted to say keep your head up. You need to let out all your emotions and ATS is a great place for it, ignore the losers. If you want to attend the funeral, you should, because it's not about his fiance, it's about him.. show your respect and move on for good. It might actually be the closure you need.

Take care.

Thank you...I appreciate it. Even if, like you said we've had our little moments on here. I appreciate your kindness and your ability to look past that..I really do. Thank you so much for the advice. My heart and my head are leaning towards going to the service when it occurs...I really do want to be as respectful to all those involved as much as possible. His mother wants me to attend...and that fact is what I am holding onto.

Thank you again. It means the world to me.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Wow that's a ton of grief to process.

As a child of a suicided parent all I can tell you is that It is NOT your fault. Do not attempt or even think or consider any of the blame. It's not yours. The blame lies completely on him.

I cannot imagine what is going on or how you can process this, but I think it would be wise to consult a therapist...even call the suicide hotline and ask them for references. There are people that have resources and experience in helping those who survive suicides.

Whatever you do, you need to process this through communication and work through it.

Sorry again for your loss.

a reply to: abeverage

Thank you...very logical advice. I want to go..I really do. And I most likely will at this point after having read all the advice on here...as the mother will ultimately be holding the service..just based on what information she had briefly mentioned. If for some reason the fiance holds it...I will most likely respect her wishes and not attend. If that's the case, I 'll do my very best on my own to honor him.

Thank you again.

originally posted by: kelbtalfenek
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Wow that's a ton of grief to process.

As a child of a suicided parent all I can tell you is that It is NOT your fault. Do not attempt or even think or consider any of the blame. It's not yours. The blame lies completely on him.

I cannot imagine what is going on or how you can process this, but I think it would be wise to consult a therapist...even call the suicide hotline and ask them for references. There are people that have resources and experience in helping those who survive suicides.

Whatever you do, you need to process this through communication and work through it.

Sorry again for your loss.

Thank you...as of now..I feel like the amazing advice and kind words of you ATSers is helping me for the time being. But I did think about what might come later and how I might be when I'm at home alone, able to be left alone in my thoughts. I never thought about contacting the actual suicide hotline for references. Thank you, sincerely, for the kind suggestion. And I am sorry that you have experienced loss of this kind.

originally posted by: testingtesting
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

You know where I am.

Thank you...I will hopefully get a chance to talk to you in a bit. Thank you so much..

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: TrueBrit

No, that's what is so disconcerting to me. A lot of people always say..when they're close to someone who commits suicide..that they never saw it coming...and I sincerely...after all those years of knowing him so closely..I never saw it happening. At all. Thank you for your words.

Then he was more profoundly disturbed than you knew, than anyone knew apparently, or somebody would have tried to intervene. I'm so sorry.

Did he call you so many times that night seeking advice? Was he drinking heavily, or some other substance? I think he was calling the wrong person for advice, given your history together.

This is a great shock, I know, but you are not a mindreader, and apparently no signs were discernible.

My neighbor did the same thing, only in front of his wife, with their two children asleep in their beds. She was here from Sweden, attending our university on an athletic scholarship, and he was a doctor. It's horrible what he put them through, and all she wanted was a divorce.

I'm so sorry. This is traumatizing, it has to be. Maybe it will make more sense in a few days as you get additional information.