My ex just killed himself...

This is my first actual thread posting, so if this is not the correct forum for this, please let me know. And also, for starters, I apologize for the scattered nature of my post, as I have been up all night without a wink of sleep and am now having to be at work as I do not have the option of simply calling out on such short notice.

I’ll begin with as brief as a background as possible. I’m 26, I’m originally from the middle of the states but moved south to pursue my masters in marine science, with about a year left. I have no direct family down here and do not have the luxury of close companions. I have the occasional outing with others from my work and others from my class, but it’s always in larger groups and with people who I cannot exactly confide in without it feeling awkward or without me having to pretend to feel something with generic platitudes. I know, if I were to tell them, they’d mean well but wouldn’t know what to say..nor would I ever assume or expect them to. So..I’ll save them and myself the stress of it.

Almost four years ago I met this guy, and being the lonely sap I can be, I fell for him hard. We were together for two years and things were great. We could depend on each other but we were independent enough to understand we had our own lives. We actually got engaged. Approximately six months prior to our saved date, I found out he was cheating on me. Not the point of this thread, but relevant in a bit. He’d been cheating on me for a few months at that point and it completely caught me off guard..which can sometimes happen when you’re in love. While it was a simple or quick decision, we ended up calling off the engagement and ending our relationship. A few months passed and we didn’t talk for obvious reasons, he was with this woman he’d been cheating on me with..and I was still heartbroken and wanted to hate him but still loved him. That really #ty feeling where you have no control over your emotions and they’re strong in every which horrible direction.

Fast forward several more months and I find out through social media that he is engaged with said girl above. Was taken aback of course because I had been so in love with him and it took us a fair amount of time to decide on an engagement, but with her it has taken under a year. But..for the most part..I had come to terms with everything and had built myself back up, focused even more on school and work and tried to become a stronger woman. Which, in that moment of a test, felt like I had been somewhat successful. I let him know I was happy for him for being happy. From that point, we at least were amicable.

Over the course of the last year, however, he would periodically call every so often…I would count maybe under 10 times over the course of this past year. The phone call lengths would vary to 10 minutes to an hour or more. It was, again, amicable. Though, I found myself constantly having to end the call because he would bring up our past and he would say how he isn’t sure if he’s making the right decision with the engagement, saying he missed us, etc. I had to, against what my heart still wanted, talk him out of those thoughts. I had to tell him he is just having cold feet. For what I thought was the best for him, his new fiancé and for myself. I’m a logical person…so this made sense.

Fast forward to last night. I went out after work to a local beach bar to drink with some of my coworkers, as it was one of their birthdays. Things are okay, I’m having a decent time. I’m pretty buzzed. My phone starts to go off and it’s him. And in my head, because EVERY past time he has called, it’s always him detailing how he’s having cold feet. And EVERY time, I have to feel the stress and that pain of having to tell him that it’s just cold feet. Again…to avoid getting myself hurt again…to avoid his fiancé from going through what I went through…and for him to avoid regretting yet another decision. I, for whatever reason, ignored the call and let it go to voicemail. He didn’t end up leaving one. I end up silencing my phone so I can try and enjoy the rest of the night. I carry on the night and get home late.

Once I get home, I get ready to sleep and pull out my phone to set my alarm for work the next day and noticed that I have over ten missed calls. Two more are from him and the rest are from 2 other number I didn’t recognize. I check my messages, none are from him, but I have a shaky voicemail from his fiancé and then another from his mother. I call his mother and am told he has shot and killed himself. I’m dumbfounded. Even know…I realize I’ve been able to describe everything leading up to that moment last night but cannot find the words to actually describe the actual moment. She explained how I was the last person he tried to call apparently. He didn’t try to call his fiancé, who I learned from his mother, works very late and wasn’t home when it happened.

I was up all night. I could find no way to bring myself to sleep. I got another call from his mother, she’s extremely torn up and she asks me repeatedly if I knew why he was calling or if he left me any voicemails, which I repeatedly and heartbrokenly have very little of an answer to provide her. She mentions in passing that she would want me to attend any funeral service they may end up having for him. But she mentions how his fiancé is heartbroken over the entire thing, she adds in that his fiancé can’t wrap her head around why her soon to be husband would call his ex before killing himself. She doesn’t want me to attend any service they might hold. I’m sure she blames me in some capacity…I honestly don’t blame her.

So…being the person I am…I come here to ATS to post this…to receive any words of advice…encouragement…any anecdotes of someone who has been through something hard or remotely similar…because at this point..I would strongly appreciate honest words from third-party strangers. I feel this need to find someone to relate to somehow right now. And I hope, in posting this, maybe I can make that connection.
Part of me has always loved him. I want to go to the service, whenever it does happen, so I can honor him as a person (as I’m not of any religious faith). But…I don’t want to cause problems for his fiancé…because even if it was her who he cheated on me with…I realize she just lost her future husband and forever love. She doesn’t have the ability to say she was the last person he tried to reach out to before killing himself. It was me and she knows that and has to live with that. I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like….so I cannot imagine what she would feel if she saw my face in person…

And…at the same time…I just lost someone who once has a monumental role in my life. I illogically talked to him for over a year just to hear his voice, even if it was to tell him to stay with his fiancé. And..I, myself, can’t wrap my head around how of all times I chose to ignore a call, it had to be this time. I keep wondering if I had just answered, maybe I could have talked him out of it….

Ahead of time, I thank anyone and everyone who took the time to read and/or respond to this. I know it's a long read. I’m at work now on literally no sleep, so if this is scattered, I do apologize…and if I have made anything unclear..please just ask away and I’ll do my best to clarify.

Thanks again, potential ATS posters…

Wow, that was too close to what I almost went through.

Mine did end up married to the other girl, and I have no idea what ultimately happened. However, he did show up in my dorm room threatening to kill himself. This was before the wide availability of cells.

What set him off is that I had broken it off with him and he didn't think i meant it. I started dating someone else.

He was abusive, emotionally and mentally, to me. The threats were the last straw.

I do not know about what you went through and what you relationship with him was like, but I also fell hard for mine. It's harder on you being isolated in a new place. I had family nearby. I used that. I was also very close with his family. We were also talking about marriage at one point.

I don't know what advice I can give you since this is so close to my own experience, except to say use your family if you can, even if it means going home for a few days or even a week.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

That is absolutely horrible.

I am, of course, sorry for your loss. Was there any indication what so ever, that the individual was in dire psychological distress, before this awful occurrence?

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I can imagine what you're going through.

I can only offer my condolences, there are few things worse than enduring what you just have.
I'm truly sorry for your loss, I know how much it hurts. I've been where you are.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Suicide is the ultimate mind F# to those left behind.

After reading your whole post I can't help being angry at your ex, took the cowards way out while leaving a trail of broken emotions.

I have been through similar, and all I can say is thank God you never married him!

Do what you need to do with the funeral and leave this behind you.

Thoughts and prayers are with you Reya.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Firstly I am sorry for the loss you are suffering, also please understand you are not responsible for his suicide.

I had a close friend end his physicality a few years ago, he had been depressed for some time and I always thought there was something I could have done to help him. Fast forward 5 years and I watched my son die due to an accident, he was revived but suffered a brain injury and I have been suicidal on and off since it happened. The only reason I share this is because that feeling of suffering to a point of wanting to end it becomes overwhelming and all consuming. I understand now there was nothing I could do to help my friend.

Deep depression often manifests in adulthood but the seed is commonly sown during childhood. Sometimes we question our choices, we feel unstable not knowing which path to take. This is not the fault of those outside of us, it is something within that slowly blooms if we don't acknowledge the issue and pull out the roots.

Your ex was probably suffering long before you met him, he has taken his own life and even if you had taken the call you would not have prevented this from happening at a later date.

Do not blame yourself, he wouldn't want that. Take a little time if you can, you will need to grieve.

x

I don't want to seem like a jerk, but there is no point in mourning the weak. Seems like this guy had a lot going for him, I'm sure his life wasn't as bad as some people's lives. Desperation leads to weakness. We all have struggles in life.. hell I've probably been through a worse life, and I've thought of suicide a few times, but its really just not an option.


You are a cute girl, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, don't waste your tears, Stay strong, and eventually you'll meet somebody with a sound mind. This incident might have spared your own life, as being around unstable people isn't safe.

Mine did the same thing with threatening to kill himself. He ended up marrying the other lady, after we were married for 13 years. However, the ambulance and hospital put him on psych evaluation, and the officer took away his gun but than, gave him back his gun. Like that made whole lot of sense. Sorry to hear about your friend, but don't put the burden on yourself. It was his fault and his choice to make. He wanted you to suffer before he left, which is why he called you.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

My condolences, just do not get to hung up on the what if's. There is nothing that you could have done someone who kills them self has already made up their mind. Just try and move forward you are young and have a full life of happiness in front of you don't dwell on the past too long.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

You found him out cheating, disengage, then he keeps calling you back (probably hiding that from his other girlfriend too)

What a lout.

Things went down with the missed phone calls just like they were supposed to. He did himself, you had nothing to do with that.

If you had answered those he would have laid a guilt trip on you and made you responsible for his 'fragile' state.

Unless you're a licensed psychologist it is better (looking back) that you missed all that drama.

You can't accept blame for other peoples actions when you had nothing to do with theirs.

This might sound kind of harsh, but thats what he was, harsh, manipulative, a cheater.

Feel the sorrow for him and move on.

Honestly, there will never be any words that will make any of it "ok" for you. Those thoughts will always be there.
It sounds like you truly loved the guy.
I know all too well how you feel right now, I'm sure it's numbness and confusion.

Keep writing and reaching out. Just let those feelings go man. We're all anonymous here and you can say what you need.

I'd say Im sorry but I know words are wind in these scenarios.

I'm so proud of you for even posting this. I know it's not easy. Just release, or it gets harder.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

And..I, myself, can’t wrap my head around how of all times I chose to ignore a call, it had to be this time. I keep wondering if I had just answered, maybe I could have talked him out of it….

I can't help but think there was some cosmic reason for this to have happened the way that it did.

First, you should not feel any responsibility for what happened. His battle was his own and he fought it the way that he chose to fight it.

If you had answered the phone, you may have heard something absolutely horrifying that would be impossible to erase from your memory.... ever.

I am sorry that you lost someone that you loved, but do not blame yourself.

Edit to add:
Do what the post immediately after mine said: Get the help of a trained psychologist to help you deal with the obvious guilt that you are feeling.

Your ex fiancé kills himself and you go on ATS and write a wall of text explaining what exactly? Your guilt? And all this while your "late for work". But had the time to write a" wall of text" about all this. Hum????? Suicide is a really terrible thing anytime it happens no matter who it is......but guilt will slowly eat you away till there's nothing left but a shell of a person......your post drips with guilt.....sorry to be the devils advocate on this. Get some help with this or we may be reading about your untimely suicide in the future.

a reply to: eXia7

Men don't perceive pain the way women do. Just my opinion but, when a Man deceives you, it burns deep. Men tend to get over it in different ways than women do. Women hold onto pain, and Men tend to release it. But it always comes back to them eventually, and it's not very nice when it does.

a reply to: ketsuko

Thank you for sharing that. I really do feel less alone in reading your experience. I am sorry that you had to feel an iota of something similar to what I am feeling now. It's so surreal and dream like that I feel as if I'm about to wake up any second.

a reply to: TrueBrit

No, that's what is so disconcerting to me. A lot of people always say..when they're close to someone who commits suicide..that they never saw it coming...and I sincerely...after all those years of knowing him so closely..I never saw it happening. At all. Thank you for your words.

a reply to: Sapphire

Thank you so much, just reading your words does help me. Confiding in strangers..for some reason brings me more solace for some reason. Perhaps it's because it's more honest..Thank you..

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

I'm here if you need an anonymous friend. I understand your pain. And you are welcome Sister!

I really do think that any lose of innocent life like this is horribly sad and from personal experience I know how painful suicide can be for those left behind.

but......

why post about this on ATS?

I don't want to sound like a total dick but it seems like the new way to get a little bit of popularity, a few stars and a few flags is to post a sob-story.

I think what you are feeling is 'guilt'...survivor's guilt. Torturing yourself with the "what if.." questions.

Don't.

Look at it this way; if you'd have taken the call(s) there's about a 99% chance it wouldn't have changed anything anyway. Would you have really wanted to be that helpless person on the other end of the phone? Of course not.

People who commit suicide are selfish, and guilt is their fuel. He was most likely calling to validate what he was about to do, to place one last piece of guilt on someone in order to make it seem 'okay' in his mind. Even beyond that, he was likely trying to experience some of the impact of his actions while he was still alive.

He was out of your life. Keep it that way.

Best advice I have for you. That, and don't blame yourself.

Best wishes.