Crap! I've been set up on a blind date!

reply to post by TDawgRex


You know I've been kidding you this entire thread, but if you're the man that has been a hard charger, then I have no doubt that you'll handle this "Op" with the same calm assurance, dedication to completing the mission, and service excellence that I know you have.

I have one word for you: chloroform.

55 WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their
plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being
placed in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits,
and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the
table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a
lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

reply to post by TDawgRex


Were you financially cleaned out by your ex wifes. If so I suggest after you have scored you hit the accelerator out of there.

reply to post by bigfatfurrytexan

reply to post by anti72




In this case, I'm kind of looking forward to it. I like adventure...even the terrifying kind.

And all those tips are old hat these days, your opposition...um, date, will pick on it and escalate things.

Who knows where it could end up from there. Cities in ruins. Seasides that have slid into the sea, volcanos....and that's just the sex.

reply to post by bigfatfurrytexan


I've thought about that. Or a club.

But isn't that illegal?

I can see it now.

"But Officer, she's my date!"

reply to post by nixie_nox

On top of the mandatory manscaping....

Mandatory, eh?

I guess I could genuflect, somewhat.

Show her that you think of everything.
Tell her that she chooses what adult bookstore you visit, while displaying some dental floss.
You might wish you brought a flamethrower too.

I saw this new thing, last night in a dream.
It's considered 'safe' and is all the rage in New Orleans, when hooking up with strangers.

You use the heel of your foot...
So, bust out the vintage Pretty Feet™, because the new formula doesn't work.

I miss the old days. Whatever happened to just collapsing onto whichever tit is nearest, and saying 'mama'?

# 159

Oh no a date! Pretty soon you'll start getting hair in strange places!
It's a date...be happy...just enjoy, don't over analyze.

Hr2burn
Oh no a date! Pretty soon you'll start getting hair in strange places!
It's a date...be happy...just enjoy, don't over analyze.

Over analyze hell. I'm still all confused at what # 159 means in the previous post.

But come Monday, I promise to take a deep breath and let come what may.

(By the way, I am in NorthEast Ohio and if you don't hear of a update by tuesday, call the cops.)

I married my blind date a LONG time ago so it worked for me. If things don't go well, just cut a huge fart (reserve tank) and ditch out.

I'm wishing you the best of luck TDawg!

Hr2burn
Oh no a date! Pretty soon you'll start getting hair in strange places!

Use the Pretty Feet™ prior to initiating the courtship dance. Especially around those pesky, grabby, heel crax.

Where do you think the expression 'Head over Heels' came from, hmm?

.....mmmkay

Rather than keeping that dental floss dispenser affixed to the 'her' side of the dashboard, show a little class, and keep a new pack in your chain wallet at all times, so she feels special. It is mandatory, a real must.

Here's a dating tip: Watch how she disposes of the used floss. Birds get tangled in the stuff when they forage for nesting materials. If she chooses the proper receptacle, you'll know you've found a keeper.

No fuss, no muss.

# 162

TDawgRex

Destinyone
reply to post by TDawgRex

 

You know what would be interesting TDawg? If while sitting across from your date, in the nice Italian Bistro, you found out she was a member here, and had been reading this thread. That would be quite a conversation starter, wouldn't it....

Des

And I thought I was nervous before...

Gee, Thanks Des! And here I thought you were here to help.

Hey, we've got your back man. We are here for you.

reply to post by TDawgRex


i think he is numbering his posts.

After much thought, I have decided you need to live stream the date so we can give you on the spot advice.

This has absolutely nothing to do with curiosity and nosiness.

calstorm
After much thought, I have decided you need to live stream the date so we can give you on the spot advice.

This has absolutely nothing to do with curiosity and nosiness.

Yet everything to do with you laughing your ass off at my clumsiness.

Gotcha! Not going to happen.

reply to post by TDawgRex


Can't blame a girl for trying for a little entertainment

Nah, I am just messing with ya, I think you'll do great.

reply to post by calstorm


It's all good. I'm pretty much the same guy on the interwebz as I am in real life.

Though on the interwebz, I'm better looking...after all, who doesn't love a Dawg? A scratch behind the ears and I'm a friend for life.

Ok....can ya tell I'm getting nervous again? A little more than 24 hours to go.

reply to post by TDawgRex


Today's the day !

I'll be thinking of you, and the very best of wishes for you TDawg

Most importantly have fun my friend

Cody

It's Monday. Have fun TDawg!!!!!!