Need Some Honesty from all you Single Men Out There

Wow Signalfire, male or female answer - that.was.awesome.

A person could spend many months and many dollars in therapy and still not get to what you really needed to know; and you just dropped it all right there, in two minutes.

That's some real truth right there.

OP, this might sting a little, or a lot, but that's some of the best advice you'll ever hear. There's an old saying - If the truth hurts, it ought to.

Again, good luck.

Sweetheart,
A LIE is a LIE is a LIE..........I have blown off EVERY possible partner ive met since my divorce/separation
The First Lie is the LAST lie.....PERIOD....
Theres NO other way ....ya did good...now get off those dating sites and go find a real person out there.......
These sites are filled with people who are loosers to start with.......and predators as well......
Go join some charity group....volunteer or do something to meet other people....sincere people.
LOVE ?.......Meh,......... its a scam 99% of the time.

Originally posted by stirling
Sweetheart,
A LIE is a LIE is a LIE..........I have blown off EVERY possible partner ive met since my divorce/separation
The First Lie is the LAST lie.....PERIOD....
Theres NO other way ....ya did good...now get off those dating sites and go find a real person out there.......
These sites are filled with people who are loosers to start with.......and predators as well......
Go join some charity group....volunteer or do something to meet other people....sincere people.
LOVE ?.......Meh,......... its a scam 99% of the time.

Singles sites filled with losers and predators? You've just offended half the single people on the planet, a great many ATSers probably including the OP herself. Me too I might add...
Dating sites are filled with people trying to meet someone to fill the void of loneliness and to perhaps find "the one".

reply to post by winofiend

Wow, winofiend. You must have had some truly bad experiences in your life to be so bitter.

Beleve it or not, your reply makes me the saddest of all and I can only hope that something wonderful - doesn't need to be someONE - is able to put a smile on your face and happiness in your heart. I don't mean that to be condescending at all. Your bitterness bespeaks your pain and I hope that something comes along to replace that bitterness with gratitude or happiness. If not, it will eat you up alive.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and regardless of the tone of your response, I hope this thread provided you with a safe venue to rage against whatever disappointment(s) have made you feel this way. Peace.

TG

reply to post by Myth024

Oh my goodness - this type of reply deserves honest reflection and response. I promise I'll get back to your post, Myth024.

reply to post by primus2012

Thanks for your words of encouragement, primus2012.

After a night's sleep and taking the time to read through all of these responses, which I guess you could say represents a small microcosim of society, I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today and am open to the possibility that there are a lot of really good people out there just waiting to be found and appreciated.

Originally posted by QUANTUMGR4V17Y
Don't worry about it for now. You just met the guy a couple weeks ago? I wouldn't say it's a big deal.

Not yet, anyways. I would speak with him about it in a week or two (now that you know.), if you're as good looking and great a catch as you say, you have absolutely no worries!

Peace.

She was not, in any way, being conceited. People are very aware of how they are perceived by other people.

I hear ATS males say this all the time, and they are not berated for it.

I have grey eyes (according to ATS I am an alien) and all my life, people will go "whoa, your eyes are gorgeous!" Doesnt' mean I am conceited, but I know from people's response that I have attractive eyes.

reply to post by Mythkiller

You know what, Mythkiller, a male friend of mine recently said something similar to me. He said that he feels as if after a certain age, women just don't need men any longer because their own ability to procreate has passed. Of course, he used much stronger language and went on to elaborate about what horrible shrews we all are and how we should all disappear once our ovaries have dried up (yes this was horrible), but he said those things because he had been hurt by an older woman. My point is that the essence of what he was saying is very similar to your own.

At the time, I thought his comments were extremely rude and negative, but if you take all of the emotion and hyperbole out of it, as your reply did, he was basically saying something very similar - that biologically, a woman's innate drive to procreate fades away whereas a man's never does. That is interesting food for thought. Thanks for sharing your theory!

reply to post by timidgal

Can someone please explain this to me? If you're a middle-aged man and you meet a compatible, attractive, affectionate female who is supposedly the antithesis of what you've been looking for, what is it that drives you to stray? Can someone please explain this insanity to me? Needless to say, his butt is being kicked to the curb but I feel like this was it for me and I'm not putting myself out there again. Can anyone lend some clarity to this?

I intentionally did not read any responses....I wanted to address this question.

I am assuming you did not have a formal commitment (ring).

Looking at what is out there is what single men do.

You are really kicking a good man to the curb because it showed online?

That seems pretty shallow or even a lack of confidence.

You seem really smart. I have been married and faithful for 24 years.

Now time for some truth. Men want what they cannot have.

Show me the most beautiful married woman...I'll show you a man tired of sleeping with her.

My very best advice is don't give up the prize. Make the guy really work for it.

If he hangs around....You might have yourself a keeper.

Best of luck....Going back to read how far I've missed the mark.

Originally posted by Asktheanimals
reply to post by Hefficide

 

Wow Heff! My ex really did get around.

She gave you the old car broke down routine too?
(couldn't resist)

OP - Between Greenglassdoors and Heffs first post I think they covered it pretty well.
Most guys are dogs and keep the door cracked either looking to upgrade or have a fallback relationship.
It doesn't mean the man you're dating now couldn't be the right guy for you - he may well be.
If you're happy just to be together doing nothing special then you're on the right track.
But you'll never really know until there's problems and see how those are resolved between you both.
Love is out there but don't count on it always being permanent.
Many have found that different people are the right choice for different stages in their lives.
Sometimes it's the conventional views of "love til death do us part" that end up keeping us from being happy.
Good luck and much happiness and love!

Many insightful comments, Asktheanimals, and yes I agree that the conventional views do oftentimes create a self-fulfilling prophecy to feel like we failed. If it doesn't live up to the illusion, we consider it a failure. Wise words to remember and guard against!

reply to post by timidgal


Wait a minute. Am I reading this right? This happily married friend found your man from her account on the dating site? Ask her why she has an account and you may gain some perspective to why he has one. Unless I read that all wrong in which case ignore me.

I have teens and they sometimes look on these sites and laugh at the ads and at people in general. A middle aged man doing that might be a good indication of someone with no life though.

Tell him you know and see how he reacts. I was also with a psycho once. You can tell by the insane answers you will receive that defy any known logic and you will have to try and talk yourself into believing, but you probably know that. If that happens, run as far and fast as you can. They tend to make you as insane as they are.

Originally posted by timidgal
reply to post by CayceFan

 

Yes I did and we've supposedly been exclusive (his request and not mine) for about six months. After about four months of dating, he asked that I take down my profile and he would do the same. Now, I could have played the typical suspicious woman and kept checking to ensure that his profile was permanently disabled, but I assumed, given the circumstances, that this wasn't necessary. Was I a naive idiot or what??

I'm a 32 year old man, who has been with my chick for 4 years, and I constantly think about other woman past and possible futures, do i act on these NO but I do think about it.

Men are always thinking there is something better out there, no matter how great you may or may not be. Its in our nature no matter what, to think about and want other women. Finding a long term relationship is very hard nowadays, I wish you luck but inevitably 95% of men will fit this same mold, and I can almost guarantee that the other 5% is not your type.

I wouldn't think this would be going out on a limb but I'm willing to bet that you are attracted to the same personality traits (not so much looks) over and over again.

I can tell you because I have many women friends that this relationship you have is over. You will always keep this in the back of your mind and it will constantly plague you going forward because of trust. Just don't hold it against the next guy and your results may differ.

Good quote from Sons of Anarchy last night, "men want to be loved, women need to be wanted"

reply to post by sweetstuff

I'd put in my order for one of those as well, sweetstuff...

Cyberhug right back to you as well and glass of wine (or two) already consumed last night. Thanks for the words of encouragement!

reply to post by timidgal


It's called "the next, better thing".

This happens a lot to people who meet on these online sites. It's very tempting to keep the profile running and check now and then. Women do this too.

Lots of people get caught cheating this way. If you are in a relationship -- steer clear of any dating sites! Chances are your significant other has legit single friends on these sites and will recognize you. People are so dumb when it comes to this...

I met my girlfriend on one of these sites. After we decided to be exclusive, we both sat down together with our computers and shut down our profiles together.

Some people even create fake profiles using fake photos to just check and see if their significant other is out there "shopping around". You better be browsing in "incognito" mode in Chrome -- otherwise your girlfriend/boyfriend might see your browsing history!

Take it from a dating site vet -- once you are "with" someone ... just drop the websites and focus on your significant other. It's not worth it. Even if you just are "browsing for fun" and not talking to anyone -- it still looks suspicious and can destroy trust.

Without trust, what's the point?

reply to post by chagahunter

I'm cynical myself, chagahunter, as it seems many of us have become because of past experiences...

reply to post by BenReclused

Thanks, Milt! Hopefully that day will come but right now, I'm just busy licking my wounds...

reply to post by staple

Agreed. Thanks for the reply!

reply to post by timidgal

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

I used to be bummed out about relationships too.
But then I made the effort to change myself.

Instead of feeling crappy and alone I made a conscious effort to not worry about finding someone. But instead to go out and live my life to the fullest. Do the things that I wanted to do and even some things I had no intention of doing. And I didn't focus my attentions on others.

I focused on me. And eventually I found someone who was right for me along the way.

Who knows this might work for you also.

reply to post by DIDtm

I'm going to let MoutainLaurel, nightstalker78 and GreenGlassDoor's subsequent replies speak for me. Thanks guys!! Couldn't have responded better myself...

Can't comment much more on this but in my humble opinion, these things are essential to help a relationship along, new or old....

1. no expectations
2. be honest no matter what
3. have adult conversations, no judging, blaming, etc. just talk, cool, calm and collected
4. if its not working, admit it. its ok. there is no reason to keep pushing a square into a round hole
5. be yourself 100%. never censor or hide who you are for anyone else.
6. we only have the present moment. dont get caught up in what the future will look like (expectation) and dont judge or hold onto the past. enjoy what you have now and only now.
7. trust is key. if you go looking for problems with your relationship, you'll find them everywhere

people come into our lives for short and long periods of time, they teach us things about ourselves and the world. everything is a lesson, its all positive. i know it sounds cheesy but its true. wish you the best of luck.