Need Some Honesty from all you Single Men Out There

reply to post by trollz

I think that my reaction might have been the end of any conversations, trollz, but I am giving a lot of thought to my friend's role in this whole debacle. That just goes to show what emotions will do to us sometimes. Today, it seems like such a quick question to realize whereas last night, it got totally lost in the emotion of it all...

reply to post by tidycat

I'm not a guy but on a middle aged womans point of view, I believe if your happy go with the flow. Stop trying to secure a future with him. Commitment, especially after many psycho beeahhches have twisted his mind, is difficult. Enjoy his company and if your a classy woman he may decide to settle down with you. Notice I said CLASSY and not beautiful. What is inside really does count.

Now I agree that class and the need to treat someone with the dignity he/she deserves should be trumped by the need for physical beauty - I'm not quite sure why you would have assumed otherwise - but, #1 - I didn't go into this situation looking for a committment and #2 - why would I want to spend any time with someone who I don't trust "in the hopes that he'll decide to settle down with me"???

Sorry, but I'll stay single for the rest of my life if those are the options.

Timidgal...

You know life is short.

Does he make you happy?

Does he treat you well?

It was just a website. I'm in my 50's.

Here's my unsolicited advice....

Give him another chance. Life is short.

We all have our flaws. From your responses you can gleam your intelligence.

You might be over thinking this. It's a website. A quantum leap from cheating.

Let him know your pissed and don't ever do it again.

Timidgal. The reality is that the majority of men in this world have cheated on a woman at some point in there life and many of them continue to do so. Out of all of my guy friends, I am honestly the only one I know that has never cheated on his significant other, and they don't even believe me when I tell them. LOL

Just to be fair though, I'm beginning to realize that women can be just as bad as men. I turn 36 in a few days and I'm a single, attractive guy (Sorry if that sounds arrogant). I have had my share of married women, and women in relationships hit on me or try to sleep with me. One of my best female friends is extremely attractive and is engaged to a very successful man. She wants a "Friends with Benefits" relationship with me and I never in a million years would have thought she would ever cheat on her man.

The bottom line is this...With the way the world is wired up today, with the internet and dating sites etc. it gives people the opportunity to always search for something better or more intrigueing then what they have at the present time. I look at my grandparents who have been married for 50 years and have always been faithful. They bicker about nonsense all the time, and drive each other nuts, but they are old school and believe in working things out with each other. I fear that I will see this less and less with couples as I age. Nowadays people are never satisfied and think the grass is always greener with someone else and that's just not always the case.

Hey, I'm 36 and single and have been through cheating women and all of that other nonsense that comes with dating, but I know in my heart that I will eventually find that connection with someone. So don't give up and if you are a good woman, you'll find someone that will treat you right. You just have to kiss a few frogs until you meet your prince. But when you find him it will be worth it. Best of Luck!!

reply to post by signalfire

My, oh my, don’t you have me all figured out?? Who knew that all this time, there was an expert mind-reader on ATS capable of answering all of our petty little issues with one swift flick of her patronizing hand? We might as well all go home now with your email address so that we can consult you on all matters unknown to you.

In case my sarcasm was lost on you, I’ll try to be a little clearer. I find your incorrect assumptions and condescending comments so offensive, that I’m going to break them down into more than one reply if need so be since your crowing verbiage took up so much space.

As 'Curious Canadian' noted, your 'happily married friend' was on a dating site and happened to notice your now ex-BF there and 'active'. There's many reasons he could have been on there and active, not the least of which someone emailed him from the site and he was responding with a simple 'I'm taken', or perhaps was telling a prior contact how happy he was now that he had found someone. Many dating sites also have forums that discuss all manner of things, and it's not a given that he was cheating or planning to cheat while he was there. It would have been nice if you had been able to talk to him about it, like, y'know... adults.

Yep, I’m sure that it’s common practice to create secret dating profiles, which are purposely kept hidden from your significant other, for this exact purpose. Furthermore, I’m sure that upon realizing his faux pas, he was busy on this hidden dating website politely telling other feeble-minded females that he was already taken. Yes, that makes perfect sense!

As for your other remarks, I’ve already admitted that something is fishy about my "happily married friend" which I will get to the bottom of, and that I didn’t handle my response as unemotionally as I could or should have, but hey, I’m only human. Sue me.

So what do you do? First, you're discussing your relationship with your girlfriend, which tells me you've got the maturity level of a high-schooler.

As a matter of fact, I never even discussed this with her after she called and gave me her log in codes, so there goes THAT insult out the window.

A LOT of women spend dozens of hours a week yabbering on with their girlfriends about all manner of shallow things, but think they're grown women with everything to offer a true man could want. Not necessarily so... how well can you spend time alone? Do you like your own company, or do you fill your hours with endless shallow girlfriend discussions and idiot teevee shows? Do you really like sex, know what you're doing in bed and try to please your partner, or do you just pretend to be interested and not have a clue? Worse yet, is sex something you offer up as a grand prize, when in reality it's something you're not really all that interested in? Guys can tell. If you're middle aged, maybe you're not that interested, which is fine, but it's an issue that needs to be discussed openly.

These are some pretty bold generalizations, no? I can’t speak for all women but as for myself, I have more male friends than I do female friends so I can assure you that this particular “hen” isn’t in the “yabbering” of the month club.

Yes, I do like my own company, thank you very much, and I can’t even remember the last time I turned on my TV. I’m usually too busy working like I’m sure all immature middle-aged school girls are.

I’m not going to even address your invasive questions about sex other than to say that your comments are ridiculously off-mark and absolutely none of your business.

Next, you find out from said 'happily married girlfriend who was on a dating site spying on this new guy and then telling you about it for your own good of course' that he's active on there, and you summarily dump his ass to the curb, THEN you get on a worldwide forum and ask why men are such heels, etc.? And excitedly answer nearly every post, all the while enjoying the attention???

I really have to tell you that you leave such a foolish impression in your wake. I won’t address issues already discussed such as my happily married girlfriend or the fact that I’ve admitted that I over-reacted.

As for my “excitement” over all of this attention, what you call excitement, I call common decency. I posted a rant which elicited a lot of responses from people with similar issues. If you take a look at my profile, you’ll see that I’ve always considered it common decency to respond to anyone, including know-it-alls like yourself, who were considerate enough to participate in a thread I started. It has nothing to do with my “enjoyment of the attention” and everything to do with having the decency to thank people for taking the time to provide their input.

To be continued below...

reply to post by signalfire

And before the posters here jump all over me as some cheating guy-type, I'm also a late middle aged female who has been on dating sites for plenty of years. Yes, there's a lot of broken and immature people on them and finding a gem, whatever you ascribe that to be, is well-nigh impossible. All the more reason to give someone you truly like the benefit of the doubt and discuss it, rather than jump to conclusions like a Grade B movie plot.

And if you are so perfect in your perceptions and understanding of human nature, why exact have you needed to resort to dating websites? I would think that someone with such insight would have been able to find that proverbial diamond in the rough fairly simply, no?

The remainder of your comments I’m not even going to waste my time addressing because my previous answers already rendered them completely obsolete. Do you have any idea of what a “rant” is? Obviously, others, including the architects of this website, seem to get the concept whereas you do not. Sometimes people just need to vent and the very nature of a “rant” is emotional, a concept obviously lost on you. Therefore, I would strongly recommend that the next time you come upon one of these threads, you just skip on by and if need so be, leave your patronizing, self-aggrandizing and omnipotent comments elsewhere.

reply to post by MyMindIsMyOwn

Thanks so much for your input and I agree about my married girlfriend. As for sitting down and rationally discussing this with him, I'm afraid that my overly-emotion reaction set the course for that particular boat to sail..

reply to post by curiouscanadian777

Sorry curious, but this is just one post on which we'll need to agree to disagree.

reply to post by stirling

Amen to that, stirling.

reply to post by timidgal


This is the most common complaint from women of all ages that I see all over the net. It seems to me that among many other examples of decay in human culture, the inability to form honest, mutually satisfying relationships is pretty widespread. Of course it is wrong to give up on looking for a sound relationship but I have no advice to offer other than to look for someone who shares your moral stance and don't put appearances at the top of your list.

reply to post by whyamIhere

I intentionally did not read any responses....I wanted to address this question.

I am assuming you did not have a formal commitment (ring).

Looking at what is out there is what single men do.

You are really kicking a good man to the curb because it showed online?

That seems pretty shallow or even a lack of confidence.

In order of your questions - correct, no ring; this is what I've learned; stupidly I over-reacted because I let my emotions and past baggage get the best of me - a hard less to learn; somewhat the same as the last response - not shallow but perhaps lack of confidence due to prior bad experiences (something I'll definitely be working on going forward).

You seem really smart. I have been married and faithful for 24 years.

Thank you for the compliment but I'm not so sure I agree how smartly I handled this particular matter of the heart. Congratulations and it is refreshing to hear of a successful and happy marriage - perhaps there is hope of some of us yet. Are you available for cloning?

Now time for some truth. Men want what they cannot have.

Show me the most beautiful married woman...I'll show you a man tired of sleeping with her.

My very best advice is don't give up the prize. Make the guy really work for it.

If he hangs around....You might have yourself a keeper.

I guess it's human nature that we all want what we can't have but since you're talking from a man's perspective, I'll take your word for it; very, very true; good advice as we should all have to work for something worthwhile; really great advice but it might be too late because some of us have this very annoying self-defeating propensity to over-react when it comes to matters of the heart.

Best of luck....Going back to read how far I've missed the mark.

Thank you for your well wishes and I think you'll find that you were pretty much spot-on. Thanks for taking the time to provide some very solid input!

Originally posted by proob4
We are like cats not dogs. We are curious.

We are dogs not cats. Do not trust us as far as you can throw us.

We are constantly thinking about poon tang and how to get more and more.

We could have the best Porsche, and still look at VW.

The nicer you are to us the worst we can become.

Best to be just standoffish with us, not get to cozy until you figure out our motives.

I am almost 100% sure I am speaking for all the men on this site.

Good luck, and if it does not work out do you think that me and you could meat up?

I am very nice looking as well. Perhaps a bit younger than you though.

Thanks.

I'm all for agreeing to disagree. Everyone's got their own perspective.

FWIW:

That was some real talk right there, and instead of processing it, you got defensive.

More and more, I don't believe you.

I think it was probably you spying, not your friend.

You're dating a therapist and it didn't occur to you to communicate with him?

You have lots of male friends but come on here to get the male perspective?

You may consider the sex points invasive, but you asked for it by going public, and this is a major contributor as to why a guy may stray and again, it was great advice. Many women may not have considered those points.

You asked for opinions, and though she wasn't 'sensitive' about it, this was one of the best you got, IMO.

- You seem a bit immature for your age; likely due to negative experiences by your own admission. Again, understandable, but - completely valid point.

- You aren't ready for a serious relationship; as above, and a lack of ability to communicate and react/process on an adult/well-functioning level. Completely valid point. To not acknowledge this is not helpful whatsoever.

- Your guy friends, were they being real with you, would've said pretty much what she said IMO. Guys tend to tell it like it is, not pull punches, unless they think you couldn't handle it or don't want to hear it or have ignored it/reacted defensively in the past. Do you want answers, insight, progress - really? Or do you actually want/need to stay mired in the same patterns? Why or why not?

Been there, done that...That's why I'm taking the time to respond.

Mollycoddling is not helpful in the big picture; real talk is.

Food for thought, aye?

Well I'm a married man so feel free to not listen, however I was once single. Your decision to kick him to the curb is a good one, he sounds like a player. Don't use a dating site(the new meat markets). Do things that you like to do and look for someone there who is by himself and appears to be having a good time. Try to go somewhere where you might be more likely to observe a man in the company of his mother. How a man treats his mother is a good indication of how he will treat you. Volunteer at an old folks home or a children's hospital. look in places likely to attract the type of man you want to be with. As for the ones kicked to the curb; their problems are their own why waste your time wondering. It's their loss not yours. Most men are pigs so it takes a little bit of looking to find a good one. Just an aside, make 'em wait, most players will lose interest in six months. I'm sorry jerkface did that to you. I hope you find what you want.

ps never take them back

Originally posted by lnfideI

Originally posted by proob4
We are like cats not dogs. We are curious.

We are dogs not cats. Do not trust us as far as you can throw us.

We are constantly thinking about poon tang and how to get more and more.

We could have the best Porsche, and still look at VW.

The nicer you are to us the worst we can become.

Best to be just standoffish with us, not get to cozy until you figure out our motives.

I am almost 100% sure I am speaking for all the men on this site.

Good luck, and if it does not work out do you think that me and you could meat up?

I am very nice looking as well. Perhaps a bit younger than you though.

Thanks.

Do not speak for me...you lack the qualifications

reply to post by timidgal


That's interesting, I just moved to Idaho from Washington and the gender dynamics changed to what you are describing. Since I just moved here, I'm staying home while my room-mates go to work. I can totally see what that would be like - it makes my room-mates have a linear perspective while I have a spatial one.

If I were "married" to them or whatever they would have the resources to do whatever they wanted, so they might leave to go for someone else.

On second thought, I will say this:

You were asking 'Would a well-intentioned man have this dating account? Why would he do this?'

(However, signalfire made many valid points, IMO; worth consideration and not outright dismissal.)

Ok, this is BS... She (Timidgal, or whatever) got this info from a supposedly very devouted wife friend of hers through an online dating site, through that "devouted" wife friend of hers. What in the world was a supposed devouted wife of whatever man doing with an online dating site account in the first place?? She when states early in the thread how she saw this man's new online profile via logging into said "devouted" wife of some man's account.... On an internet dating site!

Please refer to my previous post on page 7.

Do the thoughts of girls make all you dudes clueless?

This thread IMO... needs a little explanation from the OP... Who has a devouted wife friend... With an online dating profile...

Nuff said...

reply to post by curiouscanadian777

I will genuinely consider all of the points you made - I'm certainly not perfect and by my own admission, I responded poorly because of my past experiences. I don't know if I would consider that to be immature, per se, as much as I would consider it be to a self-defensive mechanism; something I think we probably all employ at some point when we are feeling vulnerable. At least from my perspective, you can be the most seasoned and intellegent person in most aspects of life while at the same time have a vulnerability in certain particular areas - in my case, it's when it comes to matters of the heart. With that said, please let me clarify a few things:

No, it was not me spying as it never even occurred to me that there was a possibility that he might be doing this since he was the one who was always so intent about being exclusive. I'm going to have to deal with my friend's motivations for feeling the need, or perhaps getting a kick out of spying herself, and why she is on a dating website is hard for me to fathom. I see her together with her adoring husband and children and it's an enigma to me. I doubt I will look upon her in quite the same way ever again. That too is a loss for me and perhaps that's why I have many more male friends than females.

Just because he's a therapist didn't make a difference to me - he was the man I was in love with and I didn't see any signifigance in the fact that he talks for a living. In this situation, his profession, I thought, was not a consideration because this was a personal matter and I thought he would respond as any other person being put on the spot would do. I acted emotionally and yes, self-defensively, and this is something I'll be working on for myself going forward.

I did speak with several of my male friends today and they all told me, more or less, what has been said here. In some cases, even in a more blunt fashion, lol. They, of course, know me better so some of the incorrect assumptions just didn't come into play. The timing of my rant was not pre-planned to exclude my friends; I just happened to be on the site when the SHTF.

My true motivation in posting the rant was to try to get some of these intense feelings off of my chest. Perhaps I was looking for some validation for my actions, but I was genuinely interested in finding out what makes men tick so to speak. There was no hidden or concealed agenda here - it was merely a matter of timing.

I'll take into account all of the other points made but that's obviously going to take some time for me to process - it's hard to take a good long look at oneself in the mirror, but that's not saying that I'm not willing to assume responsibility or consider that some of those points were valid. I merely need to think about them, but I will admit that I take offensive when someone generalizes about any group of people, whether they are men, woman, doctors or lawyers and her comments about women yakking, plotting and the such were so contrary to the person I am, can you really blame me for getting defensive? Yes, I asked for advice on what makes men tick but I felt that her comments were too insensitive and incorrectly personalized.

I thank you for your candor and I absolutely agree that mollycoddling is not what I'm looking for. I've never received that on this website which is why I participate here and no where else. I want to grow as a person and once that happens, perhaps the outcome will be different next time.

I'm going to post a final comment for all to see. It's not a pretty picture but I think it might put things into a final perspective. I suppose it will highlight the fact that I am not really ready for a serious relationship, but as I said before, I've been nothing but honest in my posts and have taken something positive away from each of them.

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond in such depth. You are a kind and generous person. Above all else, you are honest and that it oftentimes a trait that's hard to come by.

Take care and thank you again.

Timidgal

Fair enough. As I said, I'm cynical...

Thank you as well, for taking the time to explain, I can better see where you're coming from.

You give me too much credit, lol. You sound like a pretty decent chick yourself.

Good Luck