Advice for Married Men and Women

Originally posted by OpinionatedB

Originally posted by PurpleChiten

Originally posted by OpinionatedB
reply to post by WhisperingWinds

 

I definitely agree, and i was not equating the word 'lust' to just sex, more to the biological chemical reaction people get who are chemically attracted to one another...

God I just sounded like a nerd...lol

Oxytocin ...not oxycontin the pain medication, oxytocin the hormone associated with "love"

en.wikipedia.org...

And you are a bigger nerd than me

I dunno about the "thank yous".

I knew a fine young woman who confided to me that her husband always thanked her after a roll in the hay, and in her words "That's just creepy beyond words." She said that it eventually got to the point that she wanted to scream "don't thank me! Just leave a 20 on the dresser and get your ass to work!"

He's her ex and someone else's headache now.

I can't really speak to any notions of "romance", since there is not a romantic bone in my entire body. All such notions were purged from me by age 27, and I have been permanently disabused of them. I leave romance to novels, and try to just get along with folks out here in the real world. If a woman wants to be swept off her feet, she'd better expect to be thrown over my shoulder en-route.

And people wonder why I'm single....

reply to post by nenothtu


don't know bout the "thank you stuff", I just say "you're welcome" unprovoked

Originally posted by PurpleChiten
reply to post by nenothtu

 

don't know bout the "thank you stuff", I just say "you're welcome" unprovoked

it's been a long, long time, so I may not recall exactly, but as near as I can remember, I always said something like "NO! Don't throw that at me! It has sharp edges!"

Originally posted by nenothtu
I dunno about the "thank yous".

I knew a fine young woman who confided to me that her husband always thanked her after a roll in the hay, and in her words "That's just creepy beyond words." She said that it eventually got to the point that she wanted to scream "don't thank me! Just leave a 20 on the dresser and get your ass to work!"

He's her ex and someone else's headache now.

I can't really speak to any notions of "romance", since there is not a romantic bone in my entire body. All such notions were purged from me by age 27, and I have been permanently disabused of them. I leave romance to novels, and try to just get along with folks out here in the real world. If a woman wants to be swept off her feet, she'd better expect to be thrown over my shoulder en-route.

And people wonder why I'm single....

edit on 2012/7/10 by nenothtu because: (no reason given)

It takes all kinds to make the world go round, in both genders , so don't go changing your self.

All men can have their own sort of charm, to some woman. I think we're all different for a reason.

Co-dependency in my opinion is the #1 relationship killer. It all goes back to the wonderful advice about being responsible for your own happiness, and loving yourself. When you are happy, and love yourself for who, and what you are (this is usually a product of your choices) then you are able to give in a relationship. You have a full well to draw from as it were.

Too many of us look to another person for happiness. So many are looking for "the one" who "makes" them happy. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. You have to simply be happy, make the choice to be happy, and make choices that bring happiness, then find someone to share that happiness with.

If you hear yourself making statements like "If you really loved me you would(or wouldn't) do, or say...." You are co-dependent, and your happiness is tied to the other person's actions, and choices, making control of their lives your only security, and path to happiness. This path will destroy them, and if you really love them you don't want to do them harm correct?

Their are so few non-codependent people in the world that finding a suitable person mature enough for a relationship is very hard. The first step though is become self dependent first, thgen you will recognize this level of maturity in others. When you finally find another self actualized person go for it. You won't find another for a long, long time.

reply to post by Binder

If you hear yourself making statements like "If you really loved me you would(or wouldn't) do, or say...." You are co-dependent, and your happiness is tied to the other person's actions, and choices, making control of their lives your only security, and path to happiness. This path will destroy them, and if you really love them you don't want to do them harm correct?

Sorry but that's malarky in a relationship between two people.

Yes, I agree that you need to have your own happiness and sense of self worth, but the actions of your partner do effect the quality of your relationship, and they do show a level of love. What you are basically saying is that someone has no right to tell their partner to quit roaming single sites or porn all night, because it shows the other that they have a lack of respect for their commitment, and this is what we're talking about here..marriage !

Now some may have an open marriage and if both partners are ok with it,that's their choice they make"together". What a person does and says to you, is a sign of how they respect you..that is NOT codependency, its called mutual respect and giving your partner thoughtful consideration.

Marriage is a partnership, not an individual undertaking to not give a care about your partners feelings, because it would come off as codependency .

Originally posted by IpsissimusMagus
Come on people don't be shy.

There's got to be a ton of great relationship advice here.

Here's a list to get the ball rolling.



1. Compliment more than you criticize.

2. Never compare your marriage to others.

3. Always respect each other

4. It's ok to argue, but never use curse words to express your anger

5. Remember that people do fight. It's how you fight that matters.

6. Before starting an argument, consider if it's really worth it.

7. If you're going to fight, always fight naked.

8. Agree to disagree.

9. Respect each other's privacy.

10. Marriage is not 50/50, it's two people giving 100/100 all of the time.

11. Surprise each other now and then.

12. Never pass up an opportunity to say "I love you".

13. Hold hands.

14. Hug & kiss every day (several times a day actually!).

15. Be quick to say "I'm sorry".

16. Keep the in-laws out of your marriage!

17. Hang in there. It's worth it.

18. Never air your dirty laundry as a couple in public.

19. Never keep secrets from each other.

20. Be each other's champion.

yep. you saved me the trouble of writing these all down

I'd like to add a couple if you dont mind.

21. NEVER go to bed mad at each other. You may not get a chance to apologize. Life is fleeting.

22. Laugh at each other (and yourself) when you do something stupid! (We laugh....ALOT! ----mostly at me though!)

I've been with my Bride for nearly 20 years. We've been friends for closer to 30.

Together we are 40 foot tall and bullet proof! Ask our friends. When we infrequently argue (not fight) its VERY passionate (two very strong personalities will from time to time). BUT, we NEVER insult each other and its usually just pent up frustration at a situation/event we're in and not really directed at each other. Five minutes after the argument, we are back to holding hands and smooching.

We have "code words" that alert the other to backoff. My word is "WOMAN!" hers is "RAT BASTARD"!
Usually, that is enough in itself to make the other start laughing and we go about our rat killing afterwards.

My Bride is the best thing on the planet. She loves me. She gave me a wonderful daughter (like her mama!). She brags on me when i'm good and gives me hell when i'm stupid. I dont get much chance to rag on her though dang it! SHE RARELY SCREWS UP!!!! DAMMIT!!! Just when I think I got her....no I dont!

Shoes last weekend.

"Honey, try these 9's".

"I dont wear 9's, I wear 8's".

"oh, come on and try it"

"no"

"hunny.....TRY it".

"grrrr...ok. Er. (they fit).

"What dear?"

(they fit)

"Told you so"

We have been through some nasty times and as bad as it got, we had each other. If we lost everything, we would still have that.

I love my Red Haired vixen!

(as often as I possibly can too!)

reply to post by nenothtu

I dunno about the "thank yous". I knew a fine young woman who confided to me that her husband always thanked her after a roll in the hay, and in her words "That's just creepy beyond words." She said that it eventually got to the point that she wanted to scream "don't thank me! Just leave a 20 on the dresser and get your ass to work!"

Another example of how its different strokes for different folks.

I think a soft "thank you" whispered into the ear of your partner while you are cuddling and enjoying that "high" of post orgasm is a very sensual and caring thing to do.

Because someone may not like that , doesn't mean its creepy , they just don't care for it.

I'm not talking about a thank you that you give a salesgirl as she hands you your packages .

Its softer thank you, and in a mode of great relaxation , where your body is still on that high.

Anyhow, for some couples, its the little things that make a big difference, and for others they may not even realize how much they enjoyed those little gestures, and words here and there until they are gone from their lives.

Originally posted by Binder
Co-dependency in my opinion is the #1 relationship killer. It all goes back to the wonderful advice about being responsible for your own happiness, and loving yourself. When you are happy, and love yourself for who, and what you are (this is usually a product of your choices) then you are able to give in a relationship. You have a full well to draw from as it were.

Too many of us look to another person for happiness. So many are looking for "the one" who "makes" them happy. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. You have to simply be happy, make the choice to be happy, and make choices that bring happiness, then find someone to share that happiness with.

If you hear yourself making statements like "If you really loved me you would(or wouldn't) do, or say...." You are co-dependent, and your happiness is tied to the other person's actions, and choices, making control of their lives your only security, and path to happiness. This path will destroy them, and if you really love them you don't want to do them harm correct?

Their are so few non-codependent people in the world that finding a suitable person mature enough for a relationship is very hard. The first step though is become self dependent first, thgen you will recognize this level of maturity in others. When you finally find another self actualized person go for it. You won't find another for a long, long time.

My wife and I are EXTREEEEMLY CO DEPENDENT of each other...AND WE TELL EACH OTHER OFTEN

We finish each others sentences, know each others thoughts, breath each other for air!

IF we start chewing each others food that will be a line crossed though LOL!

We have been apart from each other MAYBE twice for more than a weekend in nearly 20 years of marriage.

We go nuts apart. More than a couple of days we're like junkies.

Not able to sleep well, no real appetite, fidgety, VERY cross!

When we're back together? its all good. I have my friend back and the world is perfect enough for the two of us then.

HI! I'M FELONIUS! I'M CO DEPENDENT AS ALL HELL!

and bloody happy too.

As far as the "if you would/wouldnt" crap? Thats not co dependent. That manipulative and only a weak moron will fall for that crap. NO healthy relationship could be built with ANYTHING like that.

reply to post by felonius


Thanks for sharing,that was uplifting, and heart warming to read, and after 30 years, something is working for you two, and I think that is the both of you, knowing how to feed and keep love alive.

I love reading stories like this, so hopefully others will share their stories about what makes their committed relationships work.

Originally posted by nenothtu
I dunno about the "thank yous".

I knew a fine young woman who confided to me that her husband always thanked her after a roll in the hay, and in her words "That's just creepy beyond words." She said that it eventually got to the point that she wanted to scream "don't thank me! Just leave a 20 on the dresser and get your ass to work!"

edit on 2012/7/10 by nenothtu because: (no reason given)

First, I love that hat and robe dude!

One of our usual remarks is (to each other) "Get off me! Your sweaty!"

the other is "man, life is worth living again! wanna take a break and go again"!

reply to post by felonius


OI enjoy your posts, and you seem very happy in your relationship which I find very refreshing.

As far as the "if you would/wouldnt" crap? Thats not co dependent. That manipulative and only a weak moron will fall for that crap. NO healthy relationship could be built with ANYTHING like that.

It depends on what is said after the "if you loved me"..

Some men may very well have to say.."if you loved me you wouldn't go hang at the singles bar with your friends every single weekend" or the woman wants to say "if you loved me, you wouldn't go fishing 6 weeks out of every summer, and never once invite me along"

Maybe the words should be "if you cared"..but its not about an emotional blackmail , its about speaking up about how a partner is making another partner feel.

Originally posted by felonius

Originally posted by nenothtu
I dunno about the "thank yous".

I knew a fine young woman who confided to me that her husband always thanked her after a roll in the hay, and in her words "That's just creepy beyond words." She said that it eventually got to the point that she wanted to scream "don't thank me! Just leave a 20 on the dresser and get your ass to work!"

edit on 2012/7/10 by nenothtu because: (no reason given)

First, I love that hat and robe dude!

It came with the office when I got elected to Regent a couple of days ago. The hat is ok, but the robe is hot and scratchy - especially on these 103 degree days!

One of our usual remarks is (to each other) "Get off me! Your sweaty!"

the other is "man, life is worth living again! wanna take a break and go again"!

Yeah, I can't say one way or the other - I can't recall those days, or how it worked. Frankly, I'm amazed to find out that sort of thing still goes on between couples!

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds
reply to post by felonius

 

OI enjoy your posts, and you seem very happy in your relationship which I find very refreshing.

As far as the "if you would/wouldnt" crap? Thats not co dependent. That manipulative and only a weak moron will fall for that crap. NO healthy relationship could be built with ANYTHING like that.

It depends on what is said after the "if you loved me"..

Some men may very well have to say.."if you loved me you wouldn't go hang at the singles bar with your friends every single weekend" or the woman wants to say "if you loved me, you wouldn't go fishing 6 weeks out of every summer, and never once invite me along"

Maybe the words should be "if you cared"..but its not about an emotional blackmail , its about speaking up about how a partner is making another partner feel.

I've never played the "if you loved me, you would/wouldn't..." game.

My guess is that if I have to tell them to stop hanging out in singles bars, there's a deeper problem there than simple misdirected curiosity. As a matter of fact, I WON'T tell them to stop things like that - the first they know of my displeasure at such shenanigans is when the find a hole in the air where I used to stand.

I won't put up with it, I won't complain - I'll just move on without any warning. I've already raised my kids, and don't feel like raising another one.

Same goes for the old "I think I'll make him jealous" game. Last time that was tried on me, I walked up to the two of them unexpectedly, gave them my blessings, and walked away. Left her standing there with her jaw hanging open.

Never, ever answered her calls after that either. I was done, and didn't care to listen to any begging, pleading, or "I made a mistake"s. Yeah, you did.

Life is too short already to take up time with silly - assed games.

reply to post by nenothtu

I've never played the "if you loved me, you would/wouldn't..." game. My guess is that if I have to tell them to stop hanging out in singles bars, there's a deeper problem there than simple misdirected curiosity. As a matter of fact, I WON'T tell them to stop things like that - the first they know of my displeasure at such shenanigans is when the find a hole in the air where I used to stand. I won't put up with it, I won't complain - I'll just move on without any warning. I've already raised my kids, and don't feel like raising another one.

wow..thats mature..just pack up and go with no explanation?

I used extreme examples ,I'll admit, but still, saying something to the effect of "you're showing me exactly how much I mean to you by these actions"..is the same to some as saying" if you loved me, you wouldn't want to treat me this way".

C'mon its words, they have the same meaning, and its no game, its about communicating issues someone may be having, and if you want to split hairs over the words used, whats the difference.

Would it be better if she said..'sleeping with the next door neighbor makes me feel like you don't really love me"?

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds
reply to post by felonius

 

OI enjoy your posts, and you seem very happy in your relationship which I find very refreshing.

As far as the "if you would/wouldnt" crap? Thats not co dependent. That manipulative and only a weak moron will fall for that crap. NO healthy relationship could be built with ANYTHING like that.

It depends on what is said after the "if you loved me"..

Some men may very well have to say.."if you loved me you wouldn't go hang at the singles bar with your friends every single weekend" or the woman wants to say "if you loved me, you wouldn't go fishing 6 weeks out of every summer, and never once invite me along"

Maybe the words should be "if you cared"..but its not about an emotional blackmail , its about speaking up about how a partner is making another partner feel.

Care would be a better word....

but...

the other should know better than that now shouldnt they?

We just came in from one of our nightly smokes on the back porch. We were discussing the book "50 shades".

My wife has read some excerpts. She said its pretty damn sad that some of these women would rather read this than do it.

Part of a good sex life is being able to communicate what you do and dont dig. This book seems to be the old story of "oh, I'm so drunk" but with "oh, I have a contract". pretty messed up.

If folks sex lives are this messed up its no wonder their "normal" lives are like wise fubar'ed.

too much take and not enough give. too much give and not enough take.

oh well.

Both of my "lives" are pretty damn spicy!

We communicate....A LOT LOL!

Had to tone it down a bit though when the kid got "old enough". We got "busted" when she was about 7.

darn door lock!

er. "me and your momma are um...wrestling!".


Thats what Friday night skate is good for! "here kid, have a $20. We'll pick you and your friend up at 10!

Originally posted by Cyberdaz
I thought I might throw in my proverbial two cents worth...

- take a moment at least once a week, when you can focus your mind, to imagine your life from that moment on without your husband/wife. Really try to imagine it... you should feel your heart growing for them and you will gain a new level of love for the person who has chosen to be with you!
- explore the things that are different between you both, and celebrate these differences.
- mentally fast forward in time and hold hands on the porch when you are both old and grey

Imagine how special you will feel when the moment finally arrives?
- build small short term goals to complete together.
- push each other sexually, gently and with as much fun as possible...
- keep a day or an afternoon/morning each week to be alone, to do something that can be shared in conversation later.
- finally, never forget the first moment that you kissed, or made love, and carry the memory both physically and mentally with you wherever you go. If, or should I say when, a fight might be looming, take a moment to remember those feelings. You might be surprised how odd the prospect of a fight becomes...

Something to share? oh yeah.

old movies and indie flicks.

We're both "silver screen" freaks. LOVE THE THIN MAN SERIES!

Myrna Loy was soooooo hot.

Topper was a blast!

last indie flick was saw was "the cafe". Really though provoking and well written (few things are nowadays).

(and Love Hewitt.....nuff said.)

That gave us MANY hours of discussion. Nature of God/Goddess and "free will".

I'm blessed with a wonderfully intelligent and philosophical Bride!

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds
reply to post by nenothtu

 

wow..thats mature..just pack up and go with no explanation?

Yep. If I have to explain why hanging out at singles bars instead of at home is wrong, then they aren't the girl for me to begin with.

I'll give you another example, from life in my world. I had been married to my first wife for 8 years. You'd think that was plenty long enough to realize that I don't take ultimatums lightly. One night, I was driving her home from university, and out of the clear blue sky she said "You're going to have to..." and gave me a laundry list of ultimatums. I said "Did you just say HAVE to?" and she said "yeah". So I said "or what?" and she replied "or you can get out". I though for a couple of seconds, and said "Aiight. I'll be out by Friday, then."

And I was. I don't make promises I don't intend to keep.

I got an apartment, packed up my crud in boxes, loaded them into my old beater car and left. The whole time with her running around wringing her hands and begging me not to go. I left her the house, all the furniture, and a brand new car. All I took was me and my junk.

Harsh? You betcha. She'd already had eight years to figure that out. She eventually stopped trying to get me to move back in, moved on, and last I heard had married a preacher. More power to her - I hope she's found what she was looking for. Whatever it was, it wasn't me, and she wasted 8 years learning that.

I used extreme examples ,I'll admit, but still, saying something to the effect of "you're showing me exactly how much I mean to you by these actions"..is the same to some as saying" if you loved me, you wouldn't want to treat me this way".

As you said above, it takes all kinds. I'm not one to worry overmuch about mistreatment. I don't expect anyone else to hold my happiness, and if they get to "mistreating" me, it usually doesn't last long. there is one notable exception to that rule of mine, an exigent circumstance. Even then, I didn't put up with "mistreatment", I merely reclassified the relationship from what I thought it was supposed to be to what it actually was, and proceeded from there, doing what I felt I had to do. One thing I won't do is beg, but I try to hold up MY end of a bargain, and live up to MY responsibilities.

C'mon its words, they have the same meaning, and its no game, its about communicating issues someone may be having, and if you want to split hairs over the words used, whats the difference.

talking is one thing - holding someone an emotional hostage is something else altogether. If I'm doing something someone doesn't like, and they bring it up, I'll tell them - ONE time, why that is. If that doesn't adjust their behavoir, there is no reason whatsoever that I should make it adjust mine. Let's use watching TV as an example. Suppose your better half comes in at zero-dark-thirty in the morning, and tells you that watching TV in the middle of the night makes them feel "unloved". Suppose you them say "ok - gimme something better to do, then". If they aren't willing to go there, then there's no reason you should get up from your favorite late night re-run. "Give and take" involves giving and taking - in both directions.

Would it be better if she said..'sleeping with the next door neighbor makes me feel like you don't really love me"?

I've never had the experience of having a woman as meek as all that. If I had engaged in any such misbehavior, I'd have just gone to sleep one night and never woke up from it.

reply to post by felonius

the other should know better than that now shouldnt they?

There are many things the other should know better than do, but that doesn't mean they still don't happen, and they still need to be addressed and dealt with, in some way or other, even if it to the point of ending the relationship.