Am I obligated to give him a second chance? Opinions, please...

reply to post by biggmoneyme


I would argue that point to its end. She had kids with this man, she brought them into this world. She has a duty to protect those kids and herself. If leaving this man means her kids lives are harder, more of a struggle with less opportunities, than she has an obligation to make it work. He is not violent, he is a jerk. Which can be fixed.

It's your flip attitude that allows families to be torn apart - grow up, life isn't a whimsical journey, especially with kids involved. She needs to do the hard thing, and either work on the relationship (and get her man to as well), or make one hell of an exit plan that ensures her kids safety and good fortune. The former is harder than the latter, the statistics say as much about single moms.

reply to post by daryllyn

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=mediumorchid]For the record, there was no infidelity or physical abuse.

Psychological abuse? I would say yes.

Constant guilt tripping. Bad mouthing. Rubbing things in my face. Expecting me to do everything, all the time, no matter what---even if I am sick or had surgery. Threatening to cheat (even if those threats were empty). Undermining me in front of my children. Cussing. Etc.

Just one comment based on the above.

Psychological abuse can be most debilitating. It can systematically erode your own sense of self-worth.

Only you can know if this is the case in your relationship. But I strongly advise you consider it carefully. A healthy sense of self-worth is a foundational construct of immeasurable importance. For both you, and your children.

Best of luck.

I have had experience of what I would describe as an abusive relationship, not physical, just mental really (he was ), and it wasn't fun. Below are the highlights.....

Not long before our child was a year old, I had a wake up call of how life would be if we remained together potentially forever, and I decided there and then our relationship would have an endgame.

You see, after the birth, I had Post natal depression, mainly because the doctors refused to prescribe an anti-depressent whilst I was still pregnant like they did with my first (If you knew my life story, and medical history you'd understand), anyway, as the months wore on, the tablets didn't seem to be entirely working, and I was getting bigger ! How I never noticed I have no idea.

Anyway, by the time our child was 10 months old, I had been a nightmare to live with, on the maximum dose of medication I could take with little to no effect, the doctor decided to do a thyroid function test, low and behold I had Hashimoto's disease, which is basically a wobbly thyroid function, usually after having a baby.

So I told my partner, yet despite this a night or so later, he turned round to me and said "I don't fancy you as much anymore, as you are bigger than you used to be !"

Say what ?!!!

Oh, and that he, and this work colleague had mutual feelings for each other, funny thing was up to that point I thought I would actually marry him, given all the nonsense he had to put up with from me, but after that, well, no chance.

Unfortunately however, we did try to make it work, and limped along til our child was 1 and a half, but the bottom line was it just wasn't going to work, comments such as "you couldn't handle a job, you wouldn't like having to be told what to do!" were just not productive, and showed just how little he knew me (I have been in my current job for the last 3 years, and little one is 4 and a half now).

Best bit of all........ I began loosing all the excess weight 2 months after his initial comment, and went from a size 16, 11 and a half stone, down to a size 10, 9 stone 6, in three months, I was never built to be big to begin with, the whole thing was caused by having had a baby.

So in conclusion, I wish I had done it sooner, never let a man try to tell you anything always draw your own conclusions, and erm, yeah make like a tree and leave, because if its done, its done.

Footnote : 4 weeks after I asked him to go, he had a new girlfriend, 5 months later she was pregnant, back in July one of the mums from school told me about something my ex said about his current partner at a kids birthday...... "Yeah she's struggling a bit as a new mum!" With him in tow, I am not surprised !

Sorry rant over, please return to your normal business nothing to see here.... but it felt good to type it out

Originally posted by Open2Truth
reply to post by daryllyn

 

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=mediumorchid]For the record, there was no infidelity or physical abuse.

Psychological abuse? I would say yes.

Constant guilt tripping. Bad mouthing. Rubbing things in my face. Expecting me to do everything, all the time, no matter what---even if I am sick or had surgery. Threatening to cheat (even if those threats were empty). Undermining me in front of my children. Cussing. Etc.

Just one comment based on the above.

Psychological abuse can be most debilitating. It can systematically erode your own sense of self-worth.

Only you can know if this is the case in your relationship. But I strongly advise you consider it carefully. A healthy sense of self-worth is a foundational construct of immeasurable importance. For both you, and your children.

Best of luck.

Leading on from your post, I agree wholeheartedly, no-one can parent effectively with their self esteem in their boots.

Youngest is happy, sure she would love nothing more than for her father and I to be together, but from the snapshot of life I outlined above, remaining together would never serve to empower my daughter.

reply to post by daryllyn


One thing that is certain in these circumstances is that both sides always, lie and exaggerate in their own favor.

You are not looking for answers on a board like this one. You are looking for affirmation. You want somebody to tell you that you are right and your spouse is wrong.

For all any of us know you may be a controlling, manipulative person yourself. It does not help your case that you are here seeking support.

Are you and your spouse best friends? If not why were you married? If you are, you should be talking to each other, not airing your dirty laundry here. If you never were, why the marriage?

reply to post by daryllyn

He seemed completely shocked by this

Sorry if you've already answered, but it seems he wasn't aware of his behavior or its effect on you.

Have you really truly discussed it in the past?

If you have, then I'd say no, you don't owe him a second chance.

If you haven't though, then I'd say yes, you do, as you failed to communicate with him about how much it was affecting you.

Only you can really decide if it's worth it or not though.

A truly shocking set of posts here . How many members will outright judge over the heads of children, holding less than 50% of the equation , when every coin has two sides . Two sides to every story .

What you should be obligated to do is not make posts like this . If your children or partner ever happen across this it could psychologically destroy them . It is highly irresponsible and am personally am shocked at your attitude , and that of others .

You've been watching too much tv . Too much ats . Stop making the poor man suffer he has to go to work everyday .
And dont moan about looking after your own children , it is really and honestly , NOT that hard . Its seems such a chore to you , that loooking after your partner went out the window years ago . If he is full time he does 40 hours a week for you , and his children . That equates to nothing but useage for you in your current estimation . Whatever he does for that 'living' it is not nothing and not all for you . His boss wants his pound of flesh too . Dont forget that in this day and age . He is probably being told what to do all the time by some a as well as paying tax
Listen , everything will get easier and easier as they grow older . trust me

I'll give a personal example to illustrate my opinion that you should walk. I am working on fixing things with my girlfriend at the moment. We have been together for nearly 5 years and while I have never abused her emotionally as I believe your bf has, I was not always there for her. Like you, our relationship started off rocky. I was not really serious about the relationship at first and this led her to doubt me, though she stayed with me and tried to work it out. For years now, she has doubted whether I love her. I also have a bad habit (like your bf) of avoiding the problem. I don't tell her to stfu, but I do not always call or try to talk. Then when she talks to me a few days later, I pretend everything is fine. Of course this is hurtful and she may be about to leave me. And you know what? I damn well deserve it. I didn't appreciate her and then I tried desperately to save the relationship. If she leaves for good, I had it coming. And so does your bf.

He is a jerk, plain and simple

i think you just answered your own question.

people can change, but usually not very much.

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=dodgerblue]I am just wondering...

Are you ever obligated to give someone a second chance?

You are never obligated to anyone but yourself

And..

Do you personally believe that people can make a lasting change for the long term?

Yes I do.....people change it's life and people grow up. What someone was like at say 22 doesn't mean they will be like that at 33. Im 33 and I have changed a lot since I was 23, I have grown up and learned things in life. Life is about learning and growing from that...well that is how I see it. I have learned alot relationship wise since I was 23.


I dont know the whole story only one side but if you are unhappy and he hasn't made an effort to change without you telling him you are unhappy then I wouldnt give him any chances. Sounds like you have given him plenty. I was in a similar yet not so similar situation years ago. He only wanted to change when I wanted to leave, didn't know I was unhappy although anyone around us could tell.

I know you have kids but you need to think of them and how it could affect them, the tension if any in the house. Kids can pick up on that.

In the end it is your choice whether to stay or go. If you are truly unhappy and can't see you spending your life with this person then I'd move on and leave. You need to be happy too!!

Best of luck to you

reply to post by Gazrok


[color=dodgerblue]To clarify, and this isn't just for you Gazrok, this is for everyone. Maybe I wasn't clear enough.

He has known that I haven't been happy.. he just didn't know that I was thinking about actually leaving. I would say that he has had plenty of chances. Every time he makes me cry (which is alot) is a chance to turn things around. Every time I say we need to talk is a chance but yet he refuses.

I did a little bit of research on the internet about mental/psychological abuse and I was shocked by how similar all the points were.
[color=mediumorchid]

As for the others who are saying 'Well, he didn't abuse you physically, so you should stay...' Physical scars heal faster than psychological ones. Abuse is abuse. Why is one okay and not the other?

I came to the place (I thought) would be the best place in the world for advice (since I lack a real life support system) and have been shocked at some of the replies. I didn't come here for guys to pick me apart, I get picked apart enough as it is... I came here for advice, not judgement, for a vent, not a lecture.

And you know what? I wish I hadn't.

reply to post by daryllyn


Emotional abuse IMO is even worse than physical. I am in no way saying physical isn't bad because it is but the emotional abuse will mess you up and you won't even see it coming and it has a lasting effect on your mental state. I know it did mine but I got help for it because I just wasnt me after that relationship. I was in an abusive relationship both physically and emotionally and it started with the breaking down of my mental state.

If he makes you cry that isn't love or happiness for you or your kids. If he knows how unhappy you are and still doesn't want to change then you need to do what is best for you and your kids. Him refusing to discuss it with you shows he doesn't care about you or your family. If he did he would do things to make you happy and not make you cry.

I think you have given enough chances for him to change. He has to want to change, you can't make him. If he doesnt think there is anything wrong or doesnt want to discuss things with you then you should move on and be happy. I know it's easier said than done with having a family and history with this person but you deserve to be happy and so do your kids.

Originally posted by daryllyn

I came to the place (I thought) would be the best place in the world for advice (since I lack a real life support system) and have been shocked at some of the replies. I didn't come here for guys to pick me apart, I get picked apart enough as it is... I came here for advice, not judgement, for a vent, not a lecture.

And you know what? I wish I hadn't.

edit on 3-12-2011 by daryllyn because: (no reason given)

Ignore those people!!! They are just bitter and miserable people who haven't a clue!

I posted a thread on here once for advice and got the same thing, you just have to ignore them.

I know what you are going through or have an idea, sometimes you need to vent and get an outside opinion. Don't let those people on here make you feel bad!!










Can those who feel the need to pick this member apart find another forum to go troll! If you don't like the forum or topics don't read it.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


[color=dodgerblue]Thanks for all the input and the advice.

And thanks for sticking up for me

To the naysayers: can anyone really tell a story without telling it from their side? The two sides of a story are always different and that doesn't always mean that anyone isn't being truthful. Different people have different perspectives and things affect people differently.

I also never said I was innocent in this, I most definitely have my moments... but who doesn't? Honestly?

I just wish that I would have seen it sooner and done something about it then. My self esteem is so shattered that I almost don't feel like I can trust my own emotions anymore, which is what lead me here to ask for opinions in the first place. I didn't intend for it to come of the way it did to some..

I honestly believe in second chances. I've been married for 3 years now. We have a 2 year old daughter. A couple months back my wife and I hit a real tough spot. I have changed a few things and she changed a few things. We agreed to give it our best. These last 2 months have been the best ever in our marriage and relationship all together. If you think he is committed enough to make some changes then I say from experience it can work for the best. Good luck!

Originally posted by daryllyn
reply to post by Gazrok

 

[color=dodgerblue]To clarify, and this isn't just for you Gazrok, this is for everyone. Maybe I wasn't clear enough.

He has known that I haven't been happy.. he just didn't know that I was thinking about actually leaving. I would say that he has had plenty of chances. Every time he makes me cry (which is alot) is a chance to turn things around. Every time I say we need to talk is a chance but yet he refuses.

I did a little bit of research on the internet about mental/psychological abuse and I was shocked by how similar all the points were.
[color=mediumorchid]

 

As for the others who are saying 'Well, he didn't abuse you physically, so you should stay...' Physical scars heal faster than psychological ones. Abuse is abuse. Why is one okay and not the other?

I came to the place (I thought) would be the best place in the world for advice (since I lack a real life support system) and have been shocked at some of the replies. I didn't come here for guys to pick me apart, I get picked apart enough as it is... I came here for advice, not judgement, for a vent, not a lecture.

And you know what? I wish I hadn't.

edit on 3-12-2011 by daryllyn because: (no reason given)

You give no evidence of psychological abuse per se but some idea that you suffer neglect ie emotional abuse . Be sure that you are not neglectful then , I felt you needed a proper reminder of that .

Good advice , can only be given , through good judgement . Too too many people take a painfully assumptive approach , and judge without the facts to give out their 'advice' , and this has affected me before where people s advice has certainly not been warranted or even qualified in the slightest bit .

This type blind idiocy makes me seethe , if I am honest . How dare they jump to conclusions , I would wish to educate them in shame.

I see that happening here , its actually much more annoying to see these others replies telling you to take the children and leave etc , over the heads of your children , yours , and his , than it is to see your (half - baked) report .

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=dodgerblue]He is a jerk, plain and simple.

If he were a nice, sweet, sincere, dependable, reliable, perceptive, insightful, kind, considerate, respectful, thoughtful, caring, loving man... then you wouldn't have stayed with him five weeks--let alone five years.

Go ahead and leave him so he can get on with his life.

reply to post by daryllyn


Where does it say in the Rulebook of Life that you must stay with someone? It doesn't. By the fact that you never married means you knew the inevitable in the back of your mind, so you deserve credit for that.

There are forms of psychological abuse that are worse than physical abuse. The marks are left on your soul, and your self esteem is ruined, even though there are no marks on your body.

That said, leaving will be hard. You will be a single mother with the same responsibilities you have now, only you will be alone. Can you handle the loneliness? That will be the first hurdle to overcome.

As long as you stay in school, the state of Ohio offers assistance to single mothers. You'll have to mire yourself in the system, but it will ease the financial burdens somewhat. It will be tough, but remember your goals of financial independence getting into the medical field.

So file loneliness and poverty beside what you have now, and there is your decision. Will your dreams of the future, someone who really cares for you that you haven't even met yet, outweigh the unhappiness you are currently experiencing in life? Only you know the answer to that.

Best of luck, no matter what you decide.

Originally posted by mblahnikluver

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=dodgerblue]I am just wondering...

Are you ever obligated to give someone a second chance?

You are never obligated to anyone but yourself

It's not only untrue but a categorical statement of your own irresponsibility. Its totally obvious what social order you put other people into . Everybody , below you .
They should teach proper parenting at school , because at current standards it is a disgrace .

reply to post by Druid42


[color=mediumorchid]I can tell that you actually read every word I wrote before responding. Thanks for that.

I appreciate your insight into the situation.

I have been researching psychological/emotional abuse and have been amazed. I have experienced almost every example. The criteria fits. Text book. And I can't believe that I didn't realize it sooner. I have been made to believe that I am the one that's messed up, the problems we have are all my fault and if I wasn't so screwed up that things would be better. I'm too sensitive. Too dramatic. After all, he was only kidding... he didn't really mean it.

The fact that he is only sorry now just kills me. It kills me that I have let my children be a witness to a toxic relationship. They cannot grow up thinking that its okay, that its normal or that they can do it too.

I know that (if I leave, I am pretty sure that is the route I am taking) it will be hard. I have a year and change of school left. Balancing my boys, school and work will probably be the biggest challenge of my life. But I know its possible. People do it everyday and I will be no exception.

Thanks for 'getting' it. And for actually reading what I wrote. Seriously.