Am I obligated to give him a second chance? Opinions, please...

Originally posted by daryllyn
reply to post by BrokenCircles

 

Do you feel that you will ever be able to fully trust him again?

[color=mediumorchid]
Honestly? I don't have any idea. I am leaning towards no.

I guess I probably already have my mind made up. Its just a huge life changing decision and change is very scary. The thought of being a single mom is scary. The thought of balancing everything (kids, school, and work if I ever get hired anywhere) is terrifying.

edit on 1-12-2011 by daryllyn because: (no reason given)

You have already answered your own question. If you ever come to a point where you feel you are wasting your time, you probably are. I know being a single parent can be scary (I'm a 21 yr old single father) but staying with someone for the children is absolutely, positively, wrong. You'd be damaging your children further by subjecting them to seeing your fights / turmoil, which has enormous long term psychological effects on children.

Not to mention, if he is undermining you in front of them, they are being taught it is "okay" to treat you exactly the same.

You can do it, maybe if you get away, he'll turn it around and prove it to you that he truly is worthy of a second chance. When I left my sons mother, she went off the deep end, so unfortunately, it can go both ways.

Peace and Love to you, I wish you and yours the best, in whatever decision you make.

reply to post by daryllyn


Yeah. I think sometimes people stay together when its obvious they shouldnt. If you think the damage is done,maybe it is. My ex-gf and I stayed together way too long. It was hard to break up but I regret we hadnt done it sooner now.

[color=dodgerblue]You guys are the best, seriously. This is why I love it here.

Thanks for letting me vent and for being so supportive and honest with your replies.

I don't have a lot of people in my life that aren't related to him (we live near his family, and farther away from mine) so its hard to find anyone to talk to about anything. I got a few friends here and there, but they are mostly far away as well.

So, thanks. Seriously.

reply to post by theovermensch


[color=dodgerblue]Yes. Exactly. I don't want to wake up when I am forty and be regretful that I didn't do enough to make a change.

Thanks for the reply.

My friend recently got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. She said she wishes he had hit her, at least those scars would heal. Splitting up sucks, but if he is hurting you emotionally, run. Nobody should have to deal with that.

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=mediumorchid]For the record, there was no infidelity or physical abuse.

Psychological abuse? I would say yes.

Constant guilt tripping. Bad mouthing. Rubbing things in my face. Expecting me to do everything, all the time, no matter what---even if I am sick or had surgery. Threatening to cheat (even if those threats were empty). Undermining me in front of my children. Cussing. Etc.

Difficult, Difficult. Your partner sounds mental, like a severe narcissist or borderline, or something. I would say give him another chance on the sole condition he both seeks individual counseling of some sort as well as relationship/marital counseling. Because he sounds like he is dealing with some sort of mental impairment or something.

reply to post by daryllyn


It is really scary starting over, but family and friends will be there to help you.
When I left my ex because I was mistreated, it was one of his friends that told me it was about time I left. HIS friends were getting mad at him over the way he treated me at times, and it sounds like you have it worse than I did.

Before you leave, check out what you might need to know about child custody from family services or whatever the US has. I went for sole custody, and he had to go along with it. He still had visitation and I kept my son very close with his grandma on his dad's side, that's an important relationship (grandmas). I also didn't go for child support, he was supposed to pay (law), but I never bothered collecting on it, because I had sole custody. He had no say if I wanted to move out of the city.

Plan things out carefully, know all your legal options, and good luck.

reply to post by snowspirit

[color=dodgerblue]I actually looked up custody laws for my state a few weeks ago.

Since we were not married (and still aren't) at the time of the boy's births, I have legal custody. I will retain custody too because I arrange all of their appointments, I am the primary caretaker, I am the one that enrolled my oldest school, etc.. They use those sorts of things to determine the custodial parent here.

Sounds like you have been there too. I am sorry for that. I know it isn't fun.

Thanks for the advice

reply to post by korathin

[color=dodgerblue]I just looked up the symptoms of Narcissistic personality disorder and my jaw almost hit the floor. I think you hit the nail on the head with that call. I know I am not a doctor, but its eerily similar...

Thanks for the reply.

To qote Dr. Phil, not that I always agree with him! This is one thing he says that I agree with, "children will rather be from a broken home, than a disfunctional one!"

I don't entirely believe that people change, either completely or minimally. I believe circumstances change more than people change. As to the second chance part, I don't think everyone deserves a second chance. So many people expect a second chance only because they don't want to "fail" more so than they want to preserve what they have. Second chances shouldn't be handed out because of a fear of losing someone or your life changing. Second chances are worked and fought for before they should even be considered. It is entirely up to you though to decide when enough of a token of good will has been shown. But, that's just my 2 cents. ^_^

reply to post by daryllyn


You're never obligated to give anyone anything...

But forgiveness is divine so they say...

Listen to your heart... it does not steer you wrong

reply to post by daryllyn


oh whatever, i agree on alot what you say on ATS. But i have been through cheating in my marriage, lie's, and pain. Iv'e been through struggle's that seemed hopeless, but i will tell you something a wise man taught me. If you truly love eachother then don't give up, love triumphs over all, love is forgiving and not selfish. Love is sacrificial towards self and benifital towards others. If he's the father you better get over it and comprimise if he is not give him a chance if you "love" him and certainly if your children do. I hope he's the father because if he's not your creating a pattern of degragation towards love, and if he is give him a chance. Either way love is not a easily dismissed idea rather an emotion that is all encompasing that the choice is clear, and dosen't even need to be ask to other people or ATS for that matter.

reply to post by daryllyn


Are you saying that you made a bad choice and married the wrong man and that you don't have the commitment it takes to keep the family together?

Not being willing to accept a "second chance" after his initial surprise seems a little selfish to me, what did he do so wrong? What makes him a jerk?

CONSIDER THE KIDS FIRST.

Good luck

reply to post by nerbot


[color=dodgerblue]I think you must have never read all of my posts in the thread based on your reply.

It's not about commitment. I already gave him 5 years of my life.

The entire last 5 years have been about the kids and about him. At what point does it become about me? Why is it selfish of me to want to leave when he is in the wrong? Sometimes, you have to look after yourself because no one else will. And that's kind of where I am at right now.

Yes, People can change. I too am a single mom and my ex husband did finally turn that 360 but it was way too late and damage was severe. Was the grass greener on the other side? Hell to the double L NO! It has been six years now since our divorce and the struggles me and the kids have endured financially have been horrific not to mention the :jerks" I have encountered on my quest for "love". Believe me when I say, there are a ton of "jerks" out there and you will most certainly encounter them when you become "single" again.

Does your partner hit you? No

Does he leave you to go to bars? No?

Does he cheat on you? No?

Is he the father of your children? Yes?

Does he provide for you and the kids? Yes?

How would THEY feel if you ALL left? Sad?

There are a lot of issues that need attention it sounds like but giving up without council or without extreme consideration of the whole may be just as damaging to you and the kids.

Good luck, I know it is not an easy choice and we all make choices every day that may not be the right one...Life is challenging that is for sure.

None of us can tell you what you should do though.

from my experience i also believe most of the time people DO NOT change. that said, i sincerely applaud you for telling him you are unhappy and wanting to change your life. I am a man and it makes me sad to see so many women i know just keep there mouths shut and suffer for years or stay with a guy that has cheated in the past and women foolishly think they will "change" LOLZ. In closing, every woman should be like you and say what's on their mind to there partners.

Originally posted by daryllyn
reply to post by nerbot

 

[color=dodgerblue]I think you must have never read all of my posts in the thread based on your reply.

It's not about commitment. I already gave him 5 years of my life.

The entire last 5 years have been about the kids and about him. At what point does it become about me? Why is it selfish of me to want to leave when he is in the wrong? Sometimes, you have to look after yourself because no one else will. And that's kind of where I am at right now.

edit on 2-12-2011 by daryllyn because: (no reason given)

Im wondering....are you a stay at home mom and how old are your kids? I am asking because if you are indeed a stay at home mom and the kids are young...this could be a problem in and of itself. I will tell you why I think so too...

Some of us "moms" who stay home are personable and active, others are creative with their time and so on. Stay at home moms have a full time job and we are never off work. It can become very overwhelming at times and when we are doing everything all the time and the man has a "job" we may become envious of him as he gets to "leave" every day and have adult conversations and do adult stuff all the while we are working like a dog without a moments peace. Also, if you are not spending time alone with your partner there is an other issue and it just becomes a snowball effect trickling down to you feeling alone and him not having a clue especially if you are not even trying to communicate with each other.

reply to post by daryllyn


Let me be brutally honest here. I won't sugar coat anything, nor will I be all "nicey-nice" with you. I will give it to you straight. You don't know me, I don't know you, I have no reservations.

You feel guilty because you are wrong. That's what the guilt feeling is for. It's to let you know you're wrong and you need to change your attitude/actions.
Relationships are a two way street, you wanted him to change and failed to communicate that. When you do communicate it, you decide it's already too late. Heck you decided it was too late well before saying it. You just couldn't find the courage to say it to his face until recently.

You have given up and thats going to affect your children. You walking away from him because you both failed to communicate needs and wants effectively and provide for each other the love and care a relationship requires.

You can blame him or yourself all you want, your both to blame for getting involved and doing so dysfunctionally. Your social expectations of him have raised the bar higher then he can reach. He feels lost and has no clue. You feel he should of known. However, nothing is communicated and you personally are just walking away.

No one tries any more. Most people ready to leave a relationship just can't wait to get dating with their friends again and partying, getting laid by random strangers or finally finding that one guy they always looked for but never found and decided to just settle.

I suggest you learn about having a proper relationship before you go find another man to replace your last one, I suggest you try communicating better as well because you will never get what you want if you never express a need for it.

Most women expect men to be freakin psychic, often I hear "you should of known"....well guess what...we don't....we don't read your romantic novels or talk with your girlfriends about romantic actions, we talk baseball and football and how to gross out our buddy for grossing us out last time we drank some beers.

We are a different breed men vs women, respecting that and not having expectations except those obvious and accepted leaves you finding a good long lasting relationship.

If I were God though, I'd say try working this out for your kids and do it right and see if it works then. Why give up? Your kids will suffer more then you can realize. Don't be selfish. Too many people already are. Too many people have the attitude "if your not happy then leave" but in my opinion your just running away from a problem.

BTW I am happily married, 2 kids and 2 step-kids, we communicate everything and anything. We like to laugh and joke and we are best friends. Best friends tell each other everything and understand each others needs and wants and will do anything to make sure the other gets what they want/need. We work hard everyday ensuring we can succeed.

Originally posted by wlord
from my experience i also believe most of the time people DO NOT change. that said, i sincerely applaud you for telling him you are unhappy and wanting to change your life. I am a man and it makes me sad to see so many women i know just keep there mouths shut and suffer for years or stay with a guy that has cheated in the past and women foolishly think they will "change" LOLZ. In closing, every woman should be like you and say what's on their mind to there partners.

This is true.... most people do not think people can change. They can and they do....if they want to though. Also, men and women both cheat for many reasons. I know a man that has been with his wife for over 20 years and they have not slept in the same bed nor had sex in 7 years!!!!! He has not cheated on her and remains faithful. She cheated 7 years ago, left, came back and he still is married to her. She has not cheated again and lives in guilt. Its sad really Their child is grown now and they stay together?????? Who knows why....they don't want to start all over I guess. Anyways. My point I am wanting to add in here is that if my partner is just holding back sex from me without a medical excuse.... It will be hard remaining faithful. If you don't try to complete your partner in one way or another....someone else will.