Am I obligated to give him a second chance? Opinions, please...

reply to post by EspyderMan


What you said is OH SO TRUE!!!! Sometimes not hearing what you want or hearing the truth is painful to the ego but every word you said is really true and should be an eye opener for anyone contemplating on leaving their partner. Giving up is easy but working on it is not. To give up thinking the grass will be greener on the other side when in fact it is really dull brown.

reply to post by MamaJ


So you make a promise, you don't get "enough sex" (whatever that is, build your own formula) and basically state you would be hard-pressed not to cheat on them.

So again, someone would rather lie and be subversive then just be honest and communicate.

People wonder why marriages fail? When your together it's not you vs them, too many people act like that in relationships thats why they fail big time.
Why is it so hard to say "Hunny I'd want you now, if you can't give it to me for it's been too long I should seek another partner".

Have some courage and speak your mind, you would be surprised at how much communicating can solve problems and make you see things you never seen before with a better understanding.

Don't try it at your own peril.

Originally posted by MamaJ
reply to post by EspyderMan

 

What you said is OH SO TRUE!!!! Sometimes not hearing what you want or hearing the truth is painful to the ego but every word you said is really true and should be an eye opener for anyone contemplating on leaving their partner. Giving up is easy but working on it is not. To give up thinking the grass will be greener on the other side when in fact it is really dull brown.

I find the things I work very hard it to be more rewarding then a hand-out, better then something falling in my lap. I have a sense of pride for that success that cannot compare to just inherently having it or accidentily finding it.

Most people are unhappy because they look for the easy way. I always look to knock down barriers.

So you make a promise, you don't get "enough sex" (whatever that is, build your own formula) and basically state you would be hard-pressed not to cheat on them. So again, someone would rather lie and be subversive then just be honest and communicate.

reply to post by EspyderMan


No...no....no.....

Here is the thing.... I, myself am a brutally honest person and I expect the same. My partner now is also brutally honest with me and with that said we have both communicated and continue to communicate our wants, needs and desires. There is no lie to tell.

I am merely saying that if you get mad at your wife and don't give her the things she needs, wants, or desires she may indeed find it from somewhere else. Husbands go without sex from their wives all the time more so than the wife going without and then someone cries when they get cheated on because they have been lied to. There is responsibility on both sides here. Be honest, communicate, and be of service to your other half.

reply to post by MamaJ

[color=dodgerblue]

Im wondering....are you a stay at home mom and how old are your kids?

I am a stay at home mom and a part time student. My boys are 4 and 2.

It can become very overwhelming at times and when we are doing everything all the time and the man has a "job" we may become envious of him as he gets to "leave" every day and have adult conversations and do adult stuff all the while we are working like a dog without a moments peace.

I would have to agree with this statement.

Also, if you are not spending time alone with your partner there is an other issue and it just becomes a snowball effect trickling down to you feeling alone and him not having a clue especially if you are not even trying to communicate with each other.

I have tried to talk to him about all of this in the past but he flat out refuses to talk and has for the last year. He is 'tired of talking' so honestly, I gave up trying. What else was I supposed to do? It was like beating my face into a brick wall while he would turn the tv up and tell me to stfu. Seriously. Not even kidding.

My problem is: I have tried to talk to him, he refused. Over and over again. He has been a jerk (not saying I am perfect, but I do do everything for him. He comes home from work and literally doesn't do a thing. Ever.) to me for 3 years. He cared so little about my feelings during that time that he refused to even discuss it but NOW that he thinks I am possibly leaving he suddenly cares. What about all of that time that he didn't? I am struggling with that.

I am having a hard time believing that you can treat someone that way if you honestly really love them.

Obviously I can't post every detail of the relationship here.

But.... okay... example: He had knee surgery. I waited on him hand and foot for a month. I cooked him anything he wanted. Helped him to the bathroom.

I had surgery and wasn't allowed to take a nap, still had to cook supper, still had to take care of the kids. Who got to take a nap? He did. Why couldn't he have just done the right thing just one time?

It is stuff like that all the time. That's what I am sick of. Things like that are what make me think that he doesn't really care about me, but cares more for what I can do for him.

So is it selfish for me to think of leaving? Maybe it is... Maybe I am the one in the wrong and I just can't see it.

reply to post by daryllyn


I totally understand where you are coming from!!!!! If you knew me and knew my past experiences you would feel so much better as I do UNDERSTAND everything you are feeling. ((((HUGS))))

Relationships can be hard at times. They can be even harder when both parties are not fulfilling their obligations to the other.

Where is the respect?

Relationships are not only hard at times but with any relationship it either grows, becomes stagnant, or completely dies. So far.. it sounds as if it is not "dead" but there does seem to be no growth going on and is remaining stagnant but very close to death. Ya know?

Maybe ....just maybe.... You can find it in your heart to forgive him long enough to write him a letter. Not accusing him or placing him on the defensive but writing him a letter about your love for him and what you NEED in this relationship if it is to continue.

It is so very hard when you have little kids and a man to take care of ALL THE TIME...with no help. It is a lonely feeling and it is very disrespectful to the stay at home mom to not help SOME of the time at least.

I am too a giver of myself and only the last two years have I experienced the same in return. It feels wonderful but looking back....I know NOW that I could have done more than just give up. I tried for 17 years though and we were always honest with each other and did communicate. He was unable to show love, turned a 360 AFTER I left but it was too late. Too much disrespect and damage done to my psyche. The only thing I wish I had done is went to counselling EARLY on when our son became terminal with cancer. It may have saved us.

He cared so little about my feelings during that time that he refused to even discuss it but NOW that he thinks I am possibly leaving he suddenly cares. What about all of that time that he didn't? I am struggling with that. I am having a hard time believing that you can treat someone that way if you honestly really love them.

reply to post by daryllyn


Men are different and they THINK differently than us. Most are really clueless to how a relationship works and what is needed often is for them to at least ACT like they are listening and ACT like they care and love you. Actions do speak louder than words and we all want the fairy tale. It can be had....but it does take work. Who are you, what are you becoming, and do you like it? What needs to change about you too? How can you change your way of thinking to forgive him and move past the resentment? How can you show him love when you are disgusted with the lack of respect? If you BOTH work on helping yourself be more happy, show love toward one another with respect and communicate things will begin to get better but it will take time and effort on both parts.

If he is showing a willful intent to make it work....he loves you. If he didn't care.... he would not be willing. So he is willing and you can try to write a letter stating on how you feel and in turn asking him to reply via letter and maybe this will help begin a dialogue without cutting each others heart out. This way you are both able to think before you speak/write and be better observant on how you are communicating with love and not fear or pain...ya know. Be a good way to at least begin working on the communication.

reply to post by EspyderMan

Relationships are a two way street, you wanted him to change and failed to communicate that.

[color=mediumorchid]
Wrong. I have tried in the past. Read my other replies in the thread.

You have given up and thats going to affect your children. You walking away from him because you both failed to communicate needs and wants effectively and provide for each other the love and care a relationship requires.

I think a toxic environment full of negativity will be worse for them in the long run than removing them would be. Believe me, I have not thought about this without considering them.

Your social expectations of him have raised the bar higher then he can reach. He feels lost and has no clue. You feel he should of known. However, nothing is communicated and you personally are just walking away.

I have tried to communicate in the past. He wasn't interested then, he is only interested now. I don't think the bar has been raised higher than he can reach... I don't think asking him to treat me with the respect that i deserve is asking too much.

Why give up? Your kids will suffer more then you can realize. Don't be selfish. Too many people already are.

Why is it selfish if I feel I am not being treated right? Is expecting to be treated with respect wrong? Maybe I missed something....

I appreciate your honesty, and I understand that you are not here to know every detail so I know it would be hard for you to really appreciate where I am coming from.

Thanks for the reply though. I wanted many perspectives and that is exactly what I got.

As i'm reading more posts it seems like some of you are complicating this situation when to me it seems rather simple.

she's on a sinking ship, she tried to band-aid the damage and she couldn't.
she's got 2 options left.

1.) stay on the current sinking ship until you find a new ship to hop on.
2.) stay on the current sinking ship for about 18 years until your kids are grown.


p.s i hate that mentality of "doing it for the kids" so many women use that excuse. i believe you should be happy first to then provide happiness for them and they will understand when they are older

reply to post by daryllyn


Well he's the thing.

Parents who fight, aren't doing their kids any favors.

Parents who stay together for the sake of their children, are doing them a disservice.

I'd look at it from your kid's perspective. What will make them happier and what is the most stable decision to make to keep them that way? I doubt it;s continuing to fight like you both do or whateer else is going on.

I'd suggest a long break, move into a different local and go back to "dating". Explain that if he wants to change he'll need to show the effort and put in the time over a long period of time, not just a few weeks.

Just my 2 cents.

reply to post by MamaJ


[color=mediumorchid]Thanks so much for all of the advice. I will really consider what you have said.

Its always nice to know that you are not alone, you know?

Sorry that you had to go through all of that and I am sorry to hear about your child.

reply to post by daryllyn


Ok, I am going to need to break this down into pieces.

Are you ever obligated to give someone a second chance?

No. It is, however, advisable to forgive but not forget. Even if it is a child bearing relationship, it is not an obligation to stay unhappy. My parents separated when I was 2, and it has little effect on me.

Do you personally believe that people can make a lasting change for the long term?

I absolutely do think people can make changes. We make changes all the time. Are you the still the same person you were 10 years ago? Chances are, probably not. That being said, for a change to become part of who you are, the desire for it must come from within. Any changes made to save face typically will end up being a farce. If the change isn't for themselves, and its to prove something to others then they will likely end up reverting.

Originally posted by wlord
As i'm reading more posts it seems like some of you are complicating this situation when to me it seems rather simple.

she's on a sinking ship, she tried to band-aid the damage and she couldn't.
she's got 2 options left.

1.) stay on the current sinking ship until you find a new ship to hop on.
2.) stay on the current sinking ship for about 18 years until your kids are grown.

No one is trying to complicate anything. They have children together and this topic is not one to be taken lightly and without much thought and consideration. Without work it will not change but the relationship can indeed benefit with hard work and an intent to love and forgive.

She may be on a sinking ship....but with work it can be restored and be as strong and beautiful than it ever was.
There is more than the two options you laid out. Those two seem like a real easy way to the lazy person. (no offense intended)

reply to post by tothetenthpower

[color=dodgerblue]Thanks for the advice.

Like I said, I wanted all different perspectives.

I think you are totally right though. If I end up leaving in the end... It will be for me and for my boys.

Originally posted by daryllyn
reply to post by MamaJ

 

[color=mediumorchid]Thanks so much for all of the advice. I will really consider what you have said.

Its always nice to know that you are not alone, you know?

Sorry that you had to go through all of that and I am sorry to hear about your child.

Never feel alone. In box me anytime if you ever need to talk. I have been in your shoes and I understand your feelings. It is hard to give all you have and get nothing ( or so you feel) in return. It is painful to feel unworthy. When you finally decide this is enough...over it.... then they wanna act all nice and try. Learning is what we do day in and day out. You are learning and so is he. What have you learned so far? It is like....it is TIME to regroup and come together. Communicate your needs and see if the other is willing to oblige. Not oblige for a week or a year but really commit to working and growing a solid foundation again with much growth as the goal.

Kids will adapt if you leave but at least YOU CAN TELL THEM that you tried and did everything possible to make it work with their daddy.

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
reply to post by daryllyn

 

Well he's the thing.

Parents who fight, aren't doing their kids any favors.

Parents who stay together for the sake of their children, are doing them a disservice.

I'd look at it from your kid's perspective. What will make them happier and what is the most stable decision to make to keep them that way? I doubt it;s continuing to fight like you both do or whateer else is going on.

I'd suggest a long break, move into a different local and go back to "dating". Explain that if he wants to change he'll need to show the effort and put in the time over a long period of time, not just a few weeks.

Just my 2 cents.

THIS is exactly what I tried. Looking back, for me and my experience ...it simply was the wrong choice. For me and my kids, that is.

Here is why. We could not "work" on our self and our relationship separated. It complicated more than it helped. I am sure it can indeed work for some....it just didn't work for us.

She doesn't have a job. There is no income had so this would be a focus and priority for her and not the relationship. Or.. may I say... this is what I too went through and I would say she may too. Just my thoughts..nothing more...and definitely does not make it better or right.

Do you feel obligated?

No, no one is obligated to do anything.

Having no expectations is a wonderful thing (that's how I "try" to live my life and must admit, it's fantastic!!!)

Personally, I have come to share the space with a unique individual who repeatedly gets angry/frustrated when things don't go his way. He EXPECTS others to carry out their "roles"

aww snap, so you just called me lazy basically lolz. k.

I'll say this, you can work really really hard and try to really work on the relationship and make things "right" but, what if the damage has already accumulated and you just don't love that person anymore, so what's the point? the outcome is always as simple as choosing between 2 or 3 paths even if you think that's lazy.

In my humble opinion, I think he's a POS and needs to be discarded. I don't care if he's your husband; if someone treats you like that, then you need to draw a line. It sounds like he's only trying to cover his tracks now that you are considering leaving him, which is pathetic. Think of yourself and your mental health before anything else. Screw him.

Originally posted by wlord
aww snap, so you just called me lazy basically lolz. k.

I'll say this, you can work really really hard and try to really work on the relationship and make things "right" but, what if the damage has already accumulated and you just don't love that person anymore, so what's the point? the outcome is always as simple as choosing between 2 or 3 paths even if you think that's lazy.

HAHAHA! No....I wasn't calling you or anyone lazy. I am sorry if it came across that way. It is an easier way.and sometimes an easier way is a lazier way. Thats all I was saying.

You are right, I think. You can indeed work hard and the damage already be so significant you cannot or are simply not willing to move past it. No relationship is perfect and there will be hard times. That is a given. To think otherwise is setting yourself up for disappointment I think.

You ask, Whats the point? The point is to try and not give up when the hard times is had. Working on it and working it out in a way you have not tried leads one to at least look back and say I did everything I could to make it last. Whereas there are minimal if any regrets.