Am I obligated to give him a second chance? Opinions, please...

[color=dodgerblue]I am just wondering...

Are you ever obligated to give someone a second chance?

And..

Do you personally believe that people can make a lasting change for the long term?

Those are the main questions.

Background: We have been together for five years. We have two kids. The relationship started out okay (we were on our best behavior in those days though) but has been super disfunctional and rocky for the last three years.

I recently let him know that I am not happy at all. He seemed completely shocked by this and has asked for a second chance but I feel like the damage has been done and I don't know if it is repairable and honestly am not sure that I even want to try anymore.

He is a jerk, plain and simple. Not that I am always easy to get along with either.... for the record.

He says he wants to change and I am like... why now? Why does it matter when you think I am leaving when it hasn't mattered for at least the last 3 years? In my experience, people really don't change. I am sure that there are some out there but I in my experience they are the exception and not the rule.

I am feeling super guilty (not sure why) because he is so upset, the holidays are in full swing and I also feel bad for the kids. Why I am feeling guilty when he is the one that is a giant meanie.... I don't know. I shouldn't have to apologize for the way I feel.

But anyway.

Opinions, please? Stories? Experiences? Advice?

Edited to add: I hit enter before I was actually ready. I didn't intend on leaving the OP blank like that.

reply to post by daryllyn


If you feel obligated to give anyone a second chance then you are already done with whatever relationship you are in.

I don't see anything clarifying the question. It's difficult to answer without the devil er details.

reply to post by daryllyn


...and i was all ready to give my 2c !!!

...but if it's a matter of obligation, not an instant "I want to", then the answer is no. Your first obligation is to yourself

OP still blank.

OK, it depends what he did. Maybe yes, maybe no. Some things are instant deal breakers.

reply to post by snowspirit


yeah, like if its domestic abuse- that ones a no brainer- get a restrainer

reply to post by daryllyn


Don't know if your question was the only thing you were going to give us as information on the situation...

Anyways, if you feel deep down inside that your decision will have an effect on you in any way, which I'm sure it will if you made this post, then indeed you're obligated, not to give him a second chance, but to consider every single aspect of the situation and what effect it's outcome will have on the people caught within it. You're not obligated to do anything but give wise consideration.

If you have to ask the question probably not.
Go with your heart, but dont forget your head.

[color=mediumorchid]For the record, there was no infidelity or physical abuse.

Psychological abuse? I would say yes.

Constant guilt tripping. Bad mouthing. Rubbing things in my face. Expecting me to do everything, all the time, no matter what---even if I am sick or had surgery. Threatening to cheat (even if those threats were empty). Undermining me in front of my children. Cussing. Etc.

reply to post by daryllyn


Second chances don't change people.. It takes losing something forever for someone to honestly change in a situation like this. He will never change, not until God smacks him upside the head and he truly realizes his blessings. In order for that smack to reach his head you gotta get away, Gods hand is big. Leave him and let him face the reality, without that he wont change, believe me.

reply to post by ladykenzie


[color=dodgerblue]Sorry about that! I edited the OP. I hit enter before I was really ready on accident.

I so want to hear your 2c

reply to post by daryllyn

Do you personally believe that people can make a lasting change for the long term?

I know this is not what you are asking for, but it is true.

Nobody can answer this for you.

The decision is entirely yours, and yours alone.

This↓ is the question that you need to ask yourself.

[color=82E6FF]Do you feel that you will ever be able to fully trust him again?



eta:
hmmm After now seeing the 'For The Record....' maybe that↑ exact question doesn't apply, but I leave it anyways. The first part of my comment still holds true.

reply to post by BrokenCircles

Do you feel that you will ever be able to fully trust him again?

[color=mediumorchid]
Honestly? I don't have any idea. I am leaning towards no.

I guess I probably already have my mind made up. Its just a huge life changing decision and change is very scary. The thought of being a single mom is scary. The thought of balancing everything (kids, school, and work if I ever get hired anywhere) is terrifying.

I guess it really comes down to when you imagine your life ten years from now, does the thought of still being with him then make you feel suffocated and panicky? Or do you imagine it more as a fantasy, like how it could be best-case scenario? If you don't feel like there is any hope for it to get better and you truly believe that you have no chance of being happy with him, the answer is simply no.
I realize that it's harder with kids, and people who have never been in the situation love to say "don't be selfish, stay together for the kids" ... but as a single mom myself, I understand it just doesn't always work that way.
If in your heart you know it's really over and to carry on will be faking it... well, that's a miserable way to live and kids are very receptive to the vibes their parents give off, even if they don't act like it affects them.

...In other words, to sum it up, I guess it's not always just a conscious choice even when you want it to be. Sounds to me like you already know what you want. Trust your gut, one momma to another

PS, You'll be OK. Your kids will too, they're very resilient, just keep doing the best you can for them and putting them first. The good thing about life is that it comes one day at a time.

Sometimes you have to break it off for the sake of the kids. Your child needs a stable environment, and if you're being psychologically abused, it'll end up affecting your child. Chances are, he won't change with you, and the mental abuse often gets worse after they get that second chance.

I speak from past experience and observation of friends that also went through abuse, mental and/or physical.

You are not obligated. If he was shocked it may be because you failed to communicate just how unhappy you were. Now that he knows maybe he can be more like he was when you fell in love with him.

reply to post by ladykenzie


[color=mediumorchid]Thanks for the advice. I was hoping to get some perspective from a single mom, so thanks for providing that

reply to post by theovermensch

[color=dodgerblue]I didn't communicate it because he was 'tired of talking' and it has been that way for about the last year. So I wasn't really given the chance and after so long of not talking, I guess it just got harder and harder and more complicated.

Thanks for the reply.

reply to post by snowspirit


[color=mediumorchid]I guess you are right about the 'for the sake of the kids'. I don't want this to affect them in a negative way and separating might be what is best for them in the long run.