Should I call out my wife?

The OP was finished over 4 hours ago...why are
people still harping and "calling him out"?

reply to post by sinfall



Maybe he doesn't look like much because you are only seeing pictures from the waist up! May he was a "big" man on campus, back in the day. If he has no appealing traits to speak of then 9 times out of 10 he is packing some serious heat, if you know what I mean. Why else would the consideration (proven by lack of a "no" response) of a ride home even be plausable.
You better get in there before he stretches here "horizons!" Maybe you follow them with one of your friends and at the right moment announce your presence as a last minute decision to crash the fun times.

All I can say for some of the comments in this thread is.... Wow... Some people here are quite vindictive. I know this particular situation is solved for now by her cancelling, but it isn't in some respects, as now you have trust issues with your wife because she lied to you, but I think more so because your went through her Facebook.

I have my own wife's Facebook password, and yet, I wouldn't spy on her because I trust her. She leaves her phone lying around all the time, I don't go through it because I trust her. And I know she doesn't go through my Facebook or phone because that trust is mutual (she has my passwords as well). even if she were to go through my stuff, there is nothing to find, because loyalty and honesty mean a lot to her and I.
I
Her lying stinks, granted, and its good that you have your evidence (since you have already made the decision to be sneaky), just in case, deity(s) name(s) forgive, something goes south with the whole situation. I hope everything works out for you and your family. Honestly I do.

I do not, however, support being nearly so vengeful, as some folks on here recommend. For me personally, I think that its better to keep the moral high ground and not look like a jerk following her around so you can make a scene at the proper time, or paying friends to do that for you. And mind games are the quickest way to escalate the tiniest relationship problem into a game ender, and imagine what it would do with something big like a lie. Mind games always exacerbate a situation.

Since, for the sake of your marriage, I don't recommend following her around, you can (obviously this is advice, not orders) do one of a couple things. Come clean and tell her everything and hopefully you guys can forgive each other. Or you can keep the breech of privacy to yourself and ask, today or tomorrow, what's up with him, and hopefully she says "not much, he asked to hang out and catch up, but I don't really care to hang out with him" or something like that.

I sincerely wish you guys luck. I hope it all turns out alright. I just wish people could understand that honesty generally works best. I know honesty can blow up in your face if you've done wrong, but the explosion and fallout will surely be worse if she finds out you did something wrong waaay after the fact and from someone else who isn't you. Sorry, I don't mean to be preachy, and I really do hope you guys work things through. But trust and honesty are the key.

Also, see gazrok's advice. If the guy is still after her, I'd confront him...

I wish you the best, I've had some bad experiences of the sort in the past. I hate to go down a dark path, but there is something more to consider. If things go bad with your wife, that is unfortunate, but you have a child. If things don't work out with the wife, would you want custody of the child? If the answer is yes, save yourself a copy of the communications between your wife and the loser. But I hope for you things work out and this isn't needed.

Sorry, just got caught up with the thread, guess I was late.

reply to post by canadiansenior70

The OP was finished over 4 hours ago...why are
people still harping and "calling him out"?

Because we don't all have the time (or patience) to read thorough 5 pages of thread, to just offer our opinion... Thanks for the FYI though, it's appreciated.

Originally posted by rhazer



nothing creepy about it, he already has the password, and who wouldnt if they suspected infidelity?

preservation of ones self and sanity is a number one priority, thats why we do the things we do, to assure ourselves that we will not get in trouble, or hurt, or be in pain, nothing harder than reality hitting us smack on and what we are all after, all the time, is seeking the truth in everything.

Hence this forum.

Very well said.

I don't have FB. My wife does. I also can ask her her password for anything, and she also can have all mine. It's a simple question, and we give simple answers. We don't hide anything.

I would definitively monitor things for a while. It seems she was onto you, and she might get sneakier. Who knows? Your piece of mind, and the level of trust you wish to express is up to you.

Personally, when I get a wiggling of doubt set in, I research and feel silly afterwards. If I found anything else I'd be in exactly the same boat you are in. A serious trust violation.

Originally posted by sinfall
I'm posting this here because this is the only place in the interwebs that my wife and I don't both post....

I'm 30, she's 27, we've been together 12 years and married almost 9 years. We have a 2yr old son. That sums up the backlog of details....

I recently noticed and she also mentioned that an ex-bf of hers added her on facebook. An ex-bf as in, from when she was like 14 years old. I didn't think much of it, I knew of him by name. Never met him or anything. Well, apparently they met at this roller-skate ring back in the day and from there they started "dating". Well, it's been about two weeks or so since she mentioned him and today she sends me a txt asking if it was okay if she went with her cousin tomorrow night to that particular skate ring to go roller skating. Well, I told her that was fine, but it immediately set off the sirens in my head. My wife and I have been together for 12yrs and not ONCE has she showed any interest in roller skating, much less driving an hour out to this particular skate ring. So, being the computer nerd I am, I RDPed into her laptop and accessed her facebook account and sure enough, they had a chat going and guess who she is meeting up with at the skating ring. I figured at this point why not check the emails to her cousin and it is true they (wife and her cousin) are going, but my wife hasn't mentioned that she is meeting her Ex there.

At this point I checked out his facebook profile and found that he is not much to worry about as far as "stealing' my wife away or anything, given his lack of employment, drug habits, baby momma drama, rotten teeth, etc., but the fact that she is hiding this from me is what bothers me. In the chat he is already proposing to cap off the night at the local bar and that he could give her a ride home.

At this point I'm not sure if I should call her out before or after or wait until the followings days when I can confirm the met up. I figure if I drop the bomb that I know before, it will piss her off and drive her to do something stupid to piss me off, but I want her to unconsciously get the feeling that i know what's up and on to her.

Beens tewing on this at work most of the day and just needed to get it out....


flame away

Lol, dude i wouldnt worry a bit. That whole cheating deal is a 2 way street and you can let her know that anytime she feels like she wants another man she can step out the door cuz you will have another woman that same night.

I have experienced that same thing and yes the girl i was seeing was texting another dude and screwing him behind my back. I just walked away and didn't look back. I heard later on that he knocked her up and she ended up being a single mom and she tried to come crawling back to me and i shut her down.

There is definately something fishy going on and there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage. Once you get married you are not supposed to go looking anymore, you have what you wanted and that should be that. She is exhibiting suspicious behavior and you should just come out and talk about it in the open with her. not communicating your feelings is what will kill more marriages than anything. It could also be that your wife is looking to spice up her love life or something. Take her to the movies, or on dates, anything to break up the monotony of being together almost 10 years. If your wife continues to hide this stuff from you then she is definately screwing someone behind your back and the guilt (if she has a concious and isnt a sociopath) will be eating her alive.

Most women however are not to quick to throw away a marriage especially if they have a kid with that spouse because they see it as breaking up ther faimly. I'd definately keep an eye on her behavior and openly ask her about the matter, but don't actually go accusing her of cheating on you without concrete proof like pictures. Might want to look into getting a private eye if you can foot the bill. She could be telling the truth, or she could be lying, this is why you want proof before you take action.

Here is some advice from someone who has experience with this issue. I was married for 8 years with two young children when my dear hubby decided to leave me for someone on the internet. Like a good little wifey I was very trusting and naive. I allowed him to play online games. I never invaded his privacy. Didn't read his emails or check his computer, etc. One day I happened to walk into the room and saw him chatting with another woman. Long story short ... he had been having an online affair for 5 months already and had fallen head over heals for the ugly %$#@!. Believe me when it comes to affairs of the heart rotten teeth will not stop her. All that loser has to do is play a song for her from way back when and she will feel like a 14 year old girl again. She will see him as he was then not the ugly loser/slob he is now. Take it from me, stop this thing before it ever gets started!! The fact that she is planning a secret meeting with her ex is already considered cheating in my book.
The first thing you should do and this is very important - print and record every bit of evidence you can. You will not regret it in the long run. Install a program such as WebWatcher on her pc. Judges don't look kindly upon cheaters. I wouldn't worry too much about alimony if it even comes to that.
You should most definitely call her out (AFTER you install WebWatcher or similar program) on knowing that she is planning to meet her ex. She may throw a hissy fit about invading her privacy, blah blah blah. Fact is, if she wouldn't have anything to hide she wouldn't need privacy from you. I agree with another poster you should definitely spice up your relationship to make sure your marriage doesn't get boring. Tell her how much you love her, how much you love your family, and show it!
If that doesn't work and she does cheat on you then I guess you are better off without her. Divorce is a horrible thing, and as bad as it is for the couple it's always the kids who suffer the most. I wish you the best. I hope this can be a lesson for you both. Maybe this will help you and your wife become closer than ever. ~Peace~

reply to post by sinfall


Oh, boy.

I hate to say it, but your wife is a cheater. CHEATING does NOT have to be physical. It can be mental as well. Cheating as defined by marriage is when a spouse goes outside of a marriage (whether physically or mentally) behind the other spouse's back. Lying is the first sign that the person has taken some sort of personal leave from the relationship.

And so, from here on in, no matter what you decide to do, trust is always going to be an issue. Once a spouse has been deemed untrustworthy, it is very, very hard for that person to earn that trust back. Some sort of sacred tie is broken and it can never really be completely repaired---only hodged-podged back together. That is not to say that all episodes of cheating end in divorce but it is true that this episode will forever be a part of your story and on some level you will deal with it for the rest of your life.

Listen, please don't let her go to that roller rink. Tell her NOW that you know what she is doing--that's she's been discovered and that before things get worse than they already are, you need to stop this in its tracks. Then you need to go to counseling and discover what is happening in your marriage or with your wife that is causing her to entertain the thought of straying.

There's a school of thought out there that says if a spouse cheats, it's both partners fault, because one wouldn't have cheated if they were happy. To that I say "BS." Spouses stray for all kinds of reasons, and many of those reasons might have nothing to do with you. You might be a stellar, wonderful husband and your wife would still step out if that is what she is compelled to do.

And to those who say she hasn't cheated yet, I say rubbish! If your wife is conducting a relationship behind your back, if she is emailing someone that most people would consider dangerous territory (an old boyfriend), if she has made plans without telling you the whole story, if she isn't telling you the truth about who she is meeting---- well, then, my friend...

you have a problem.

Please confront her now. This isn't a game that you can wait and see how it will play out. This is a marriage. You have a son. For the sake of your child, tell your wife you're on to her and then you need to sit down with her and decide how you are going to repair this marriage for the sake of your child.

I don't understand the people on here giving more blame to OP for invading his wife's facebook privacy. Give me a break! It's the wife who SECRETLY agreed to meet with an ex boyfriend. The fact that she later cancelled is irrelevant. Hopefully she came to her senses. It's also possible she plans to meet ole toothless one in a more private setting without her cousin around. Giving a spouse complete privacy is a roadmap to disaster in my opinion. Especially when it comes to facebook where everyone knows ex flames will contact you. The last thing any marriage needs is some ex telling you all the right things when you are mad at or bored with your spouse. If a spouse doesn't have anything to hide then they have no reason to be so secretive.

Originally posted by Hitsuzen
I don't understand the people on here giving more blame to OP for invading his wife's facebook privacy. Give me a break! It's the wife who SECRETLY agreed to meet with an ex boyfriend. The fact that she later cancelled is irrelevant. Hopefully she came to her senses. It's also possible she plans to meet ole toothless one in a more private setting without her cousin around. Giving a spouse complete privacy is a roadmap to disaster in my opinion. Especially when it comes to facebook where everyone knows ex flames will contact you. The last thing any marriage needs is some ex telling you all the right things when you are mad at or bored with your spouse. If a spouse doesn't have anything to hide then they have no reason to be so secretive.

It's more a matter of betrayed trust than broken privacy I think. OP loses the moral high ground that way.

reply to post by Gazrok


haha... oops!!

reply to post by queenofsheba


My favorite line from Fight Club is: You know how they say we hurt the ones we love the most? Well it works both ways...

when people wonder why the divorce rate is so high, they only need to come on this thread and read some of the dreadful relationship advice...

reply to post by caladonea


No, I am really not. I did not condone her behavior I merely offered insight to perhaps the reasons behind it.

My consistent observation is trust and respect is lacking on both sides.... Without them the possibility of a healthy relationship is pretty nil.

I have just learned from my experiences people usually do things for a REASON... I didn't hear him looking to his part in any of it. I also asked myself why on earth would a person put this info on the internet?? The reason he gave is that SHE doesn't come here.

I guess he had best hope her cousin doesn't either

Two wrongs never make a right. Even if she is really mostly to blame for it all, his actions only intensify the possibility it won't be resolved well.

I'm getting up there in age and done the relationship thing, what I have learned in my half century of being married and divorced and raising kids etc etc is that *I* always have a part, my failure to look at it doesn't change that.... Honesty is highest on my list of priorities. I do not condone her dishonesty but I certainly wouldn't excuse HIS either.

I have never understood how it is that when people are married they seem to think this absolves the other person's right to be respected, whether they are returning it or not. I don't ask to go out with friends as I am an adult. I don't snoop and I EXPECT not to be snooped upon. I insist on trust and respect.

I suppose though this entire thread is a sign of the times as it seems most replies didn't put much weight in trust or respect, with the replies I have read I am not surprised the divorce rate is about 50%

don't bring it up. Let it lie. Take her out for a nice dinner.

Then open up a safe-deposit box in your name only, and start making cash deposits there. Keep it a secret. Put some family heirlooms in the box, so that when/if the divorce lawyers come with a discovery motion, that's all they'll find, if you need to take the money and run.

Next, go see whichever lawyer she would turn to, who would be the best. Like one of her relatives, or a friend of her dad or whomever. Have lunch with that lawyer and pay the consult. Tell them your fears, and ask what you'd get in a divorce.

That way, she CANNOT use that lawyer, since he's already been paid to offer advice to you on that subject, and he's forbidden to represent to clients against each other.

Once there was a guy who talked to the four best lawyers in town, about splitting up a private LLC. That way, his partners couldn't use ANY of the best lawyers when they wanted to fight him for the company. That guy knew how to plan ahead---a real chess player.

This by Hitsuzen is incredibly stupid...it is definitely not mature..

I agree with another poster you should definitely spice up your relationship to make sure your marriage doesn't get boring.

If you have a woman who cannot survive boring...you do not have a woman..you have a little girl..a child. Life is difficult and sometimes boring. No one is obligated to bring us the best morsels off the table to keep us from being bored..married or not. Life can be very hard..male or female. The issue is survival...together,...not being bored.

Bored is an entitlement excuse. For those who believe in entitlement and need to be amused...for they cannot deal or are not disciplined sufficient to survive boredom.

a- without

muse- Thinking

Amuse..Amusement...something occupying our minds and souls to prevent thinking....because boredom is difficult..worse then death.

If you are yourself or have a woman who is easily bored...you are good for only one thing...and life requires more than just knowledge of one thing.

Easily bored people are high maintenance. You do not need a woman who is high maintenance...for they will put you last while you are taking first place risks to keep them unbored..and they will eventually bore anyway.

Get rid of such nonsense..it is not worth your time and sacrifices.

Do not ever get so dumb you let boredom run your life...or be subject to a woman/little girl easily bored.


Agree with Dr_Strangecraft..again. Make for yourself your own safety net. Invest in options...quietly...discreetly.
You dont have to use them unless things go south..but you have them as a safety net.

One more thing...you don't let such insecurities/fears run you...for then someone else is controlling you. They are shackling you by such control...while not offering anything of value to you.
There are lots of women out here..no particular woman is sitting on the only one in town. So why would you be ignorant enough to let one put such insecurities on you and have you jumping through such insecurity hoops??
Most of the women I have ever met are not interested in an insecure man. They associate this kind of behavior with little boys...not men.

Prepare your safety net...quitely and discreetly.

Think..dont be insecure...the OP's post smacks of insecurity.

Orangetom