Should I call out my wife?

Originally posted by sinfall
ill shoot her a message tomorrow from work and tell her i was thinking about getting my parents to watch our son so i can go with her. feel it out from there...

lol you should come home with a brand new pair of skates and be like " look what i bought! i cant wait to go skateing this weekend" lol

Originally posted by camaro68ss

Originally posted by sinfall
ill shoot her a message tomorrow from work and tell her i was thinking about getting my parents to watch our son so i can go with her. feel it out from there...

lol you should come home with a brand new pair of skates and be like " look what i bought! i cant wait to go skateing this weekend" lol

It'll definitley put her on the spot,

She would have to agree then.

reply to post by sinfall


Call her out!

She is hiding the fact she is talking to him and meeting up with him, that is NOT acceptable! She is married to you not him. You deserve respect and Im sorry but this is very disrespectful imo to you and your family you have.

I don't get why women or men for that matter have to lie about these things. If I am going to meet up with an ex for old times sake to catch up my man will know in advance and if he disapproves I won't even go!

Did she not tell you cause she thinks you would disapprove?

I would calmly ask her about it and I wouldn't let her go honestly but that is ultimately your decision.

Hope it all works out for you

Post what you find out or end up doing....this is interesting.......

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reply to post by mblahnikluver


i dont know, i would go mad to find out that my GF was reading my e-mails. she should know to trust me.

OP, you dont want her to know you read her E-mails, she will go mad, you got to play this cool. Im good with these mind games. trust me. you want her to be the one in the wrong if anything is going down. you dont want her to pin anything on you that you might have done wrong

your going to have big trust problems down the line if she finds out!

you dont want her to know your on to her eather. trust me, drop the cash on some skates, pretend you really want to go and she will have to invite you

FACEBOOK IS THE DEVIL!!!!!

Now I'm not gonna keep yelling but I suggest you get out your bud nippers.... I too have had marital issues with my wifey that began innocently enough on Facebook with chatting about old times & ended with near divorce and a couple of "old friends" on my sh*! list, near death & prison time... My wife's excuse was they had unfinished business, though she did what she did she only loved me... She is lucky I am forgiving and truely love her or this would have ended our relationship and changed our children's lives forever.

If your wife had no issue with or fear of hurting you by telling you that she added him as a friend why would she fear telling you that they plan on meeting?... I feel that hiding even the little things is the same as lying and my spouse lying to me is just as bad as cheating... If she will lie about the little things then of course she will lie about the big things. It sounds like they had a relationship very young, maybe they had a strong connection and soon unfinished business plus alcohol add up to actions and regret... Though her intentions might be pure (and likely are) is this a risk you are comfortable with her taking?

Now breaking it to her that you know without coming off as an insecure a$$, that she now knows does not trust her at all is another BIG issue... Though you are snooping into something that she probably feels is her's and her's alone, that she also likely feels she has a right to privacy with, does she have the right to privacy if what she is hiding is something she should be talking to her husband about? The approach is delicate but you have to let her know how you feel and what you know.

You guy's have a long (these days) marriage, and a child. She has to decide if catching up with her old boyfriend is worth risking loosing her family.

I only wish people could be honest with themselves, then they would feel obligated to be honest with those around them. From reading your post you being honest with yourself, you are not comfortable with the situation, so you have to be honest with her.

Best wishes my friend, tread lightly in your approch and I'm sure things will work out for the best.

Originally posted by sinfall
ill shoot her a message tomorrow from work and tell her i was thinking about getting my parents to watch our son so i can go with her. feel it out from there...

Wrong answer, sorry. communication through media lacks body language and thats the tell tale sign of infidelity, if you can read her like a book and after near a decade of being together I assume you can so why loose out on being able to use your knowledge of her.

If your not going to be a man about it, then drop the kid off at your parents make up some excuse that your going out with the boys for an hour or two then tail your woman to the rink......at least that way your not explaining to either your wife or parents that you where checking up on either!

Now im not telling you to do this but , this is what I would do. I always have one friend that im 100% open with, knows all my # and would never tell any of my secrets to any one, get that friend to give me a lift to the rink, where I would go inside scope the place out and if I seen the two, together being all chummy I would simply walk outside to her car with the spare key, start that baby up fire her a text telling her to get a lift to where ever the # she wants with her new boyfriend as you have taken her car home!

Its means not only have YOU clocked them together at the place but you have the proof you where there so she cant pander any lies! it also means she has to stew! knowing whats she's done, because she has no way of getting home.....

Relationships are about mind games and the weaker one in the relationship always gets #'ed!

I can be a nasty person when I want to be.

Originally posted by camaro68ss
reply to post by mblahnikluver

 

i dont know, i would go mad to find out that my GF was reading my e-mails. she should know to trust me.

OP, you dont want her to know you read her E-mails, she will go mad, you got to play this cool. Im good with these mind games. trust me. you want her to be the one in the wrong if anything is going down. you dont want her to pin anything on you that you might have done wrong

your going to have big trust problems down the line if she finds out!

edit on 29-9-2011 by camaro68ss because: (no reason given)

I disagree, if your talking about the end result of him telling his wife that he's been snooping and she's been lying then there is already a trust issue......because she's been lying.

So the arguement is invalid SHE doesent trust herself enough to tell HIM shes meeting up with an EX!

Guess this is a good time to bring up that im 1 year away from my human psychology degree that I have been doing for the last 3 years and that i have learnt all about human behaviour!

inviting myself to "girls night out" isn't exactly going to get my foot in the door as girls night out is exactly that, but after re-reading the conversation I am betting he backs out. just the way he started unconfirming his presence there tomorrow night towards the end of the conversation. before i say anything i want to make sure he was there and they were there to meet. he also asked if she was bringing our son because he would bring his daughter. maybe i read into the secrecy in the wrong light.

the golden ticket that i just thought of, is her other cousin goes there weekly as well and they are 100% enemies and no longer talk, but I could always say that she saw them together and thought i should know, just to spite her.

there are a few ways to play it....im sure after ive slept on it, i will be less bothered or concerned.

reply to post by michaelmcclen

Relationships are about mind games and the weaker one in the relationship always gets #'ed! I can be a nasty person when I want to be.

I think I'm starting to understand why some people think its better to just be content in life without all the drama of a relationship..even long term ones..

Originally posted by sinfall
inviting myself to "girls night out" isn't exactly going to get my foot in the door as girls night out is exactly that, but after re-reading the conversation I am betting he backs out. just the way he started unconfirming his presence there tomorrow night towards the end of the conversation. before i say anything i want to make sure he was there and they were there to meet. he also asked if she was bringing our son because he would bring his daughter. maybe i read into the secrecy in the wrong light.

the golden ticket that i just thought of, is her other cousin goes there weekly as well and they are 100% enemies and no longer talk, but I could always say that she saw them together and thought i should know, just to spite her.

there are a few ways to play it....im sure after ive slept on it, i will be less bothered or concerned.

Doesent answer the question why she lied in the first place, thats the answer I would be looking for. But its your life buddy all people here can do is offer advise and I hope the best for you. But if there is even the tiniest doubt in your mind she's doing the dirt then get in that car and tail her, other wise it will eat you up inside until you explode, then your buggered with no proof and she has the upper hand because you dont trust her and let slip!

Originally posted by gabby2011
reply to post by michaelmcclen

 

Relationships are about mind games and the weaker one in the relationship always gets #'ed! I can be a nasty person when I want to be.

I think I'm starting to understand why some people think its better to just be content in life without all the drama of a relationship..even long term ones..

Thanks =) but iv known my missus since I was 10, been going out since we where 15 and after 9 years still together, not married and no kids.

Never cheated on her, never broke up with her and I tell her about every girl that has asked me to sleep with them (2 in the last 3 months must be the summer) also she has all my passwords to everything and I leave my phone lying around so if she wants she can read my messages.

We have ZERO trust issues, I can go to Russia for a week and she wouldent care, but some people are lucky.

Also sex is the key to keeping a woman happy every chance you get make sure your tapping it!

just for further info, since i didn't clarify...we have each others passwords, so i didn't "hack" into her facebook. she knows i have access and i know she has access

May i offer something, given the fact that i was in the same situation you are in now, exactly.
I went out with my ex for 11 years, since she was like 15 and i was 16, we broke up when i was around 27.
We never grew up in each others eyes, and we both missed out alot, she did cheat on me and i on her but no big issues, but i can always "sense" when soemthing was wrong, because being with a person all this time you know them like your own face.
she said she needed to take an afternoon nap one time and i wondered about that,she was living at her parents.
by an act of GOD, i was driving and my car went into a hole in the road and part of the wheel broke off so i called my freind who was a mechanic and i drove to his garage (car was driving sideways in a way) and as i parked my car down underground in the garage, i went outside on the street for a smoke, and i happened to notice this car pass by (never gave it a thought) and i called her at home to tell her about my car, her sis said she was sleeping, i insisted, she came back to say that she is tired and isn't waking up..................( this is on the house phone cuz she dint pick up her cell)
isn't waking up? and then it HIT ME, that car was the car of her EX bf whom she left for me back in school....
i flipped like a dolphin on ecstasy.i drove my friends car under her house and demanded to talk to her, she finally picked up her mobile, and i told her if she doesnt show her face up in the house balcony i am storming the house and making a scene.
she gave in , and the first word that came out of her mouth was: "you will never understand"

"you will never understand" this is what i tell you too man.

try me i said.she went on to explain how he contacted her after all these years and he was going away and needed closure and they were at a coffee shop talking about the past.he took the phone and i told him bring her back safely, and i hung up.it seemed like years passed by .

when he drove her back, i could see the shame on her face.we talked.
Let me tell you, it wasn't worth it, people need space sometimes , a small change ,closure, call it whatever you want.i did make her feel bad about it though.I told her that i would have understood if she had just asked me , but honestly i wouldn't have nor would i have accepted.the past is the past for me.

trust me on this, if you confront her, and show her that you know, it will only lead to more # later on,your marriage will go down the drain not because you invaded her privacy, # that, there is no such thing between man and wife.i am now married to a wonderful girl and i have a 6 month old son, but because she will feel she is chained , that a simple thing is so hard to do even if she tries to hide it, you will lose all the trust and only push her to go the wrong way.

shes going with her cousin, so why are you worried? unless you know how her cousin is and you don't trust her that's something else.if your wife had any bad intentions, she wouldn't tell anyone about this let alone bring an accomplice.

if you wanna blow this whole thing up YOU have to create that ACT of god like mine and let everything fall into place yourself.
points:
am sure shes gonna wanna look tiptop to see him after all these years, comment on that.
try to loiter and make her late to leave, see her reaction, and comment.
tell her a day earlier that you were telling a friend and he thought it would be a good idea to go all of you, see her reaction, and comment.
keep that pressure on, but NEVER tell her you know, EVER.

final advice from a person from a far place on earth:
our customs dont have this # "privacy" settings between man and wife, like the western world and all these ETHICS, THIS is your WIFE, if she is lying, it dont matter what shes lying about, a lie is a lie, and one lie if it passes ,starts the journey to endless others and the ending is always never good.

Maybe this a wake up call for you, i dont mean to be harsh, but you cant force something to be fixed or corrected ,maybe this is a sign that she is not good for you, you are not the first, nor the last to be lied to in a marriage.

I know if she goes and comes back it will eat you inside out not knowing what happened and not being able to ask her, but patience is virtue, wait and see what more messages they exchange.
and if you find something bad, then confront her, and tell her you have always known an are better than her because you knew you could trust her and never stopped her cuz you knew she would never betray this marriage to the last moment and she had let you down, it doesn't matter then.

for gods sake i pray nothing ever destroys your home for the sake of your child, and know that if a worthless person like her ex was able to make her trip, then she wasn't worth it ever.

keep us posted. and sorry for the lonnnnnng post.

reply to post by sinfall


wait , this changes the whole game.
can't you find a way to tell her you saw his messages? since you have the passwords for a reason.looking up old friends of freinds of hers to maybe add them, people you forgot about etc? you were bored and wanted to see what others may have posted as jokes or funny links or what not ?

Originally posted by berenike
I'm with everyone who said that you should ask to go too.

You might want to bear in mind that your wife hasn't seen this man for several years and he may have seemed 'safe' as a 14 year old, but she could be getting herself into a situation that could become 'awkward' to say the least.

She says she's going with her cousin but it still seems as if he's got an idea that he can take her for a drink by herself, then drive her home. So he may be reading more into things than she intends. And if she's an hour's drive from home, that's a long way away. Even if she was considering something more than friendship, if she doesn't like him when they meet up she'll have a disappointed man to deal with.

I don't know if you've exaggerated his faults, but if he is truly the way you've described him then your wife would be better advised to stay away from him.

If she takes you along there will be no doubt in his mind that she is 'off-limits' so, if you can find a way to get invited along I think it would be a good idea.

If you can't get the invitation, feign sickness on the night and say you need her to look after you. Or sneakily pinch the baby so he cries so much she can't go - sorry that's awful

But really, don't let her go without you.

THIS. I actually logged on for the first time in months to say this exact same thing. I'm not trying to assume that your wife is helpless or anything, but if the way you described this dude is accurate, she should not be going. Especially if the cousin isn't really going as well. It just sounds like a bad idea to me. As a woman, I don't think I would ever go alone to a random skate-rink (and/or bar) with some guy I haven't talked to in years, doubly so if dude has had a drug problem. It's just bad news.

Either go with her, or talk her out of it. Good luck.

Originally posted by rhazer
reply to post by sinfall

 

wait , this changes the whole game.
can't you find a way to tell her you saw his messages? since you have the passwords for a reason.looking up old friends of freinds of hers to maybe add them, people you forgot about etc? you were bored and wanted to see what others may have posted as jokes or funny links or what not ?

Na dude, its probbably the unwritten rule of the relationship even through you have the passwords if he says anything about the messages he will be accused of snooping and she has time to cover her tracks.....

Lets it play out.....better to find out now she's cheating that a few months down the line with another person.

thanks for the words everyone and i will definitely update tomorrow.

her and our son are at a family friend's house currently so i haven't seen her since i got off work. im wondering if it will even happen tomorrow night or if she will mention the ex. i guess we'll see

Originally posted by ProjectBlue

Originally posted by berenike
I'm with everyone who said that you should ask to go too.

You might want to bear in mind that your wife hasn't seen this man for several years and he may have seemed 'safe' as a 14 year old, but she could be getting herself into a situation that could become 'awkward' to say the least.

She says she's going with her cousin but it still seems as if he's got an idea that he can take her for a drink by herself, then drive her home. So he may be reading more into things than she intends. And if she's an hour's drive from home, that's a long way away. Even if she was considering something more than friendship, if she doesn't like him when they meet up she'll have a disappointed man to deal with.

I don't know if you've exaggerated his faults, but if he is truly the way you've described him then your wife would be better advised to stay away from him.

If she takes you along there will be no doubt in his mind that she is 'off-limits' so, if you can find a way to get invited along I think it would be a good idea.

If you can't get the invitation, feign sickness on the night and say you need her to look after you. Or sneakily pinch the baby so he cries so much she can't go - sorry that's awful

But really, don't let her go without you.

THIS. I actually logged on for the first time in months to say this exact same thing. I'm not trying to assume that your wife is helpless or anything, but if the way you described this dude is accurate, she should not be going. Especially if the cousin isn't really going as well. It just sounds like a bad idea to me. As a woman, I don't think I would ever go alone to a random skate-rink (and/or bar) with some guy I haven't talked to in years, doubly so if dude has had a drug problem. It's just bad news.

Either go with her, or talk her out of it. Good luck.

her cousin is going with her. it was confirmed