Suicide And The Aftermath.

reply to post by ThichHeaded


Haven't read the whole thread, don't think I could,
Wow.OMG. A very close friend of mine attempted suicide. he mentioned me in the note...not that I was to blame,
but to tell me he was sorry.

I probably should not be replying to this...way too much stuff.

He lived. And I visited him in the hospital.

I should not have clicked on this thread. i am so sorry for all that find my post distateful. But to this day I look for reasons that don't point to me. I know it wasn't my fault. He knows that,and always did,but the school got a hold of that note, and it was all over. He lived, a pathetic hero taken in by people who felt they had an obligation they didn't, and I died, the girlfriend he had to leave because of family racial bias. So of course, the school decided it was my fault.

So he lived his own wound. And I accidentily met him at a fund raising BBQ, and we hugged and said hello's but I write this with tears falling down my cheeks because he had such beautiful teeth and a beautiful smile and was so handsome and something so dark took it all away and I can' hlep but sob these 40 years later.

reply to post by ThichHeaded

I wake up.. **Fudge wtf am i still breathing**(fudge used as subestitute for?)
Go about my crap day come to ATS.. read on how postitve the planet is..(notice real point in living? just browse the news on any site and you see how grand life is.)
Decide to eat... or something..
a constant thought on wtf am I doing here, why am i here, what is my purpose, wtf is wrong with me, where tf in life is there suppost to be something fun, all kinda crap like this..
Then i talk to someone i rather not be near, then hop on ats for more positive news..
Then start thinking about things, how screwed up people are, why is there nothing around that is good, and so on and so forth..

Those are obsessive thoughts, it's not your fault, it is a chemically disorder.

After my mom died thirty years ago, I started having obsessive thoughts and panic attacks, something was triggered in my brain from the anxiety and grief of the loss, I spent years unable to leave the house, panic attacks that were so sever that I would be up for days at a time, living in total fear, I thought it was me, it wasn't me, I had no control over what was going on in my brain, I didn't understand it and neither did anyone else.

People distanced themselves from me, they didn't understand, that made matters even worse, now I was trapped in a prison inside my own mind, no one to turn to.

I know that feeling of being totally alone, maybe it was a set up, I was set up for failure, an abusive controlling mother, sexually abuse at a early age, my first husband beat me, four miscarriages, poverty, constant struggle, now I am getting old, my hands are numb and arthritic, I walk with a cane because of back problems,

Why, I often think did I have to endure so much?

To be there for others, I find my joy when I can council and love others who are suffering, people always come to me for a shoulder.

I feel your pain, it's profound, I love you.

Plus reading this forum is not helping, it is making matters worse,

It is to negative for you to handle .

My thoughts on suicide is a double edge sword.
I was there, on the brink. My body was healthy, my mind was gone. It was the most pain I have ever felt.
I had a good youth. I was popular. But I was a perfectionist and in my mind I failed. It was time to go.
I didn't have a gun, if I did i would be gone today a split second mistake. Instead I pointed my finger at my head and blew my mind.
Aug 18 199? can't remember the year.

Instead of dieing I said FU! MFrs!! If my life is sh@t then I'll be the ginnie pig. I donated blood, I gave bone marrow, if my life was sh@t I might be able to save someone who wanted to live. Oh, and hunted houses! and I mean real ones! Go for it! I did, and you know what! I didn't find SH@T!!!! Not one Evil Spirt!! maybe they were afraid of me, I don't know but I sure wanted to find one and take my wrath out on it! Unfortunately I never found a ghost. Just a bunch of sissy ghost hunters!

I wasn't afraid to die, so I would work the crappiest jobs that no one wanted to do because they were scared of doing it. crawl under a house, in an attic, whatever. There might be a snake under the house? Who cares let it bite me in the face! I'll bite first! F the snake, F god, F it all!! Just give me the job and consider it done!

Now this is what I tell whom ever wants to off themselves. What do you got to loose?
Give blood every 52 days, heck ask to give 2 pints of blood, donate bone marrow, so you may help someone with leukemia.

Wait for a burning building then go in and save someone, die in the fire! Die doing something for someonelse!
just wait for it, it will come and then you will be at peace and you will be a hero and your life mattered!!!

But just like me, my life became different. I left that stage of my life. Now I don't want to die and I'm even scared because I have my family that counts on me. Yea I got a family now.

So what's it going to be for the suicider? Coward worthless piece of garbage you think you are, or someone who is going to say FU i'm going out with a bang and I'm going to see how may lives I can save with my piece of sh@t life!!

good luck!

If you can kill yourself, then you are actually invincible! Do things that normal people wouldn't do because they fear death.

reply to post by Sunlionspirit

But here I think we speak about another kind of suicide, the people completely lost in Universe with no more hope, finding no more ways to get out of the pain ( spiritual ), getting no love at all and even if they get love this love cann't help them either ..... this is the NOTHINGNESS, lost in space and time, lost in your own mind ....

I am intimately acquainted with this type of suicide and these types of feelings....Susie-Sidle.
There is a type of person Dr Kevorkian can help ease out of this life.
I am not quite ready for that step but I understand it. And yes I think it should be legal.
I am by nature, dark and melancholy.
As a child I much preferred Edgar Allen Poe to Shakespeare.
This is just me.

And yes... there are drugs that can always improve my mood but I have had enough experience with drugs to know that IF the drugs were ever stopped... I would lose the modicum of self control/fear/sanity that has always been the decider... and stopped me from taking my life before.

Sometimes I am CERTAIN the "next life" will be, has to be, better than this...but what do I know?
It might be worse... by virtue of the suicide, so I think twice and then again.
Sometimes I think there is plenty of time to be born again and still see the next step evolution has in store for mankind - but then think, what if I am late?...and I have to wait in Limbo or something until the rest of humanity catches up.
Sometimes I think if there is a God He/She knows me and knows how I feel. They will understand and welcome me back.
Sometimes I think it will be a dive into nothingness...and worse an "awareness" it is nothingness and find myself instantly and eternally sorry
I did not let my life play out.... painful parts and all.

The way I handle it is I make an agreement with myself.
NOT NOW.
Suicide is on the table....ALWAYS.
I allow it as a possibility. I never say "oh I can do this living on Earth thing" (sometimes I hate this place, more specifically the people) and "I will eventually die of natural causes"...No, contrarily...
I think if anyone is taking this life of mine, it will be me...just not now.
I can and will kill myself if I must...if it ever becomes so necessary I have no other recourse..
I allow myself that out. This is not the time. I can get through this.

Is it healthy?
Mental health is working well, playing well, living well.
Sometimes they are not all there.
I am, we are, far from perfect...I just agree to try it...another day.

The gun is never loaded or laying around...even now... lets put it that way.

reply to post by ThichHeaded


I understand where your coming from and have felt your pain before. About ten years ago when i was younger and going thru alot of crap in my life, i contimplated it and decided i was going to shoot myself. (now mind you that i would not do this now and looking back i realize that it was a bad decision) I knew where my father kept a gun it was in a his desk, i had seen it there the day before. so i went over to the desk to get the gun and it wasnt there...i searched high and low and still could not find it. Now at this point i'm already upset and the fact that i had summond up the courage to do it and now couldnt find the gun really added to my bad mood.
Well any way i could not find it and that was the only way i would off myself..not gonna cut my wrist and suffer, rather go out quick. So i had given up. later on that day when my father came home i acted like everything was fine and normal. For some reason he goes to the desk and retrieves his gun from where it was ( the exact same spot where i looked). I was in shock! Some how i had over looked it, dont know how i pretty much emptied the desk out!
The moral of my story is that everybody has there reasons for thinking about suicide, and it's nobodies place to say that your reason is stupid...it's your own! My reason was stupid and i see that now and am glad that i "overlooked" the gun....my life did a complete 360. i went from having no job and living with my dad to owning my own restaurant.
So what ever your reason may be just keep listening to that voice in your head that told you no the last time.

Hi, Thickheaded. I know you are thickheaded and everything, and you think I'm trying to be cool, and you are done with this thread. But I have a little exercise for you to do, if you kindly will, and take it to heart, and indulge me and try it.

First, a comment. People who have an endogenous depression, a chemical imbalance will have the depression no matter what. You could win the lottery, become a rockstar, marry a supermodel, and within six months your depression and mindset would return to what it is now. It's the nature of the beast. I wish I could get you to see it as a challenge to fix it, and a determination to keep trying until you do. Treatment can fix this. Pharmacotherapy. I know you've said you've tried it, and it didn't work. Try and keep trying to find a medication that does work. Sometimes you have to go through six or seven to get the right one. Doctors know this. They will work with you. If your doctor won't, find one who will.

Now, the exercise if you will so kindly indulge me. All you need for this one is your imagination, and I would be delighted if you got out pen and paper. In fact, anyone who is floundering now, do this. It helps.

See yourself five years from now as you would like to be. Visualize yourself in every detail.
Where are you? Do you live in the same place you do now? Who are you with? Are you married? Do you have children? Are you working? What kind of job do you have? Do you need special training to have this job? What are you wearing? What is your demeanor? Are you laughing? Are you content? Do you have friends? Do they visit? What do you do on the weekend? Home projects? Sports events? What is your life like? How is your depression? Are you feeling better? Are you out of the fog?

If these are the wrong questions, then you plug in the right ones. I can't see you, so I don't know how you are reacting to them. But visualize yourself in exactly the circumstances you would like to be in in five years.

I wish you would, on a piece of paper write the topical heading "Long Term Goals". This is what they are.
Humor me. Do it.

Now, underneath that write "Short Term Goals".

Since in many ways the present predicts the future, these will be the steps you will need to take to make your "Long Term Goals" a reality.

Let me assist, if you will.

This job, you have? Is it a good one? Do you need special training for it? If so, then your short term goal is to begin that training. Your short term goals, which begin now, are to start taking steps to achieve the long term goals. You take each long term goal, examine it, and figure out what you need to do NOW to make the long term goal come to fruition in five years.

You want to be thinner in five years? Start a diet now. You want to be rid of your depression in five years? Start treatment NOW. You want friends in five years? Start being a friend NOW. What can you do to meet people and make friends? It goes on your short-term list.

You get the picture. Be goal oriented. Make check lists. CHECK! (I love a check-list)

We have to take our lives into our own hands. Nobody has a magic wand, none of us. You have to TRY. You have to first figure out what you want. You truly might not know. You have to think about it, work on it.

If you find yourself sleeping late, wanting to sit in front of the computer all day, think, how is this contributing to my long term goals? What can I do today to contribute to my goals?

Want to feel better? Find some person in your neighborhood, and ask them if you can rake up their leaves.
Yip. No charge. You need the exercise, and it will make you feel better. Can't rake leaves? Bake 20 potatoes and take them to the soup kitchen. Call a local nursing home and adopt a grandparent. Lots of lonely people in those places, and you might learn something from them. Whatever. You see how it works.

I am very goal-oriented. We have to be, otherwise we flounder. We lose ourselves. We have to keep busy, it's the way we wired. We lose that, and we get.....depressed.

I will leave you with this little saying, which is actually a big one:

"When someone fails, it's not because they are not intelligent, or not capable. It's because they were never able to organize their energies around a goal".

And this one:

"When you think you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: You Haven't.
~~~Thomas Edison

Now I will be quiet as I know you find me annoying. When one is depressed, one finds everyone annoying.

But I hope for you the best. I hope you will try to change your circumstances, or they will miraculously change on their own without your own assistance. You could be the first. I'll try to be optimistic.

Edit: Think about how the present predicts the future. If you chain smoke cigarettes all day now, your future is very likely pulmonary disease. If you do nothing all day, your future is likely continuing to do nothing.
If you take care of yourself now, your future is likely healthy...if you nurture friends now, your future is likely not to be alone. If you engage in school now, your future is a better job. Yeah, I'm hammering it in now. Sorry.
I see you are smart. You need motivation and encouragement. If there is no one to give it...than give it to yourself. You're worth it. I can tell.

Every now and then there comes a post on all these forums on the internet that is really interesting.,There is nothing more deep and serious then takeing your own life unless its takeing someone else's.It is an adventure to read how people think on a subject like this,even the ones that are here just wirtting crap to be noticed.

I don't belive in Gods and Devils never have.I belive that life is a gift to some and a curse to others but all of this rests totally on the individual.YA! life is what you make it or in some cases allow it to be.

I see takeing my own life as a gift,maybe in this world the last gift we have left.The idea I am not totaly affarid of death is another adventure to me.We as a spicies are individuals and have the right to think and feel how ever we want as long as we are not impossing your will on anyone else.

Every post I read gave another thought on something to say but looking back on this thread I think it has all been said.

reply to post by Gamma MO


I'd have to say the contrary though. If we only live in the moment then in a sense we forget about the future. I try to live for tomorrow and i expect to be here the next day for the simple fact of not just living in the moment. Sometimes life throws us curve balls, we all have our ups and downs. We all have a right to live, we may of not had a choice in the matter but life truly is a gift. I mean we are the gifts. Every single one of us defines life and so none of us should be pressured to leave. All these gang stalkers and thugs who pressure others to give up their gift got another thing coming. I feel for anyone going through strife. We dont need to feel pain before joy.

Love isnt a battlefield but let me tell ya, love will win the battle.

reply to post by ladyinwaiting


Awesome and extremely helpful and "meaty" post. Lots of nutrients for life in it.

"When someone fails, it's not because they are not intelligent, or not capable. It's because they were never able to organize their energies around a goal".

So true.

I am going to try some of those things myself.
You must be a clinician or work in the mental health field?

reply to post by mysteryskeptic

I wasn't afraid to die, so I would work the crappiest jobs that no one wanted to do because they were scared of doing it. crawl under a house, in an attic, whatever. There might be a snake under the house? Who cares let it bite me in the face! I'll bite first! F the snake, F god, F it all!! Just give me the job and consider it done! Now this is what I tell whom ever wants to off themselves. What do you got to loose? Give blood every 52 days, heck ask to give 2 pints of blood, donate bone marrow, so you may help someone with leukemia.

Good for you. This is an excellent post as well.

There is a certain liberty in not being afraid to die. And there are so many more things you can do without constant and nagging fear. I really admire the way you handled your feelings. Way to get a grip.

WOW.. Alot of comments since I was last here..

I Will try to answer all of them for now.. But I will go with Ladyinwaiting...

I found you annoying because you was sounding more i know more than you type thing. I didn't say what i said because it was spite it was what i was honestly thinking..

Thanks for spelling my name "right" you are the 1st person to get it right..

so you guys know I am not fat... Here is a pic of me..

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/728254d57f56.jpg[/atsimg]


I am said to be good looking according to some people.. why? I have no clue..

Anyway, I brought this topic up because I wanted to see peoples answers. Some people are just plain out rude and will not see life through someones eyes.. I think these are the people who need to go out and see life for what it is..

Someone said.. go to Africa.. Yes those people had have it rough, I never said my life was the worse life on the planet, if you read more into this thread you will see I have admitted that there is far more lives way way way way way worse than my own.. It is how we perceive our lives that makes us who we are, someone from Africa would love to be in my shoes, I would love to be in someones shoes who's mind isn't as screwed up as it is now.. You see how this works?

Rich people suicide for reasons of their own, poor people suicide for reasons of their own.. Others suicide for reasons of their own..

I gave thought this whole thread a look into a suicides eyes to show what someone who had tried suicide was going through..
My comments to people are real, anger, hate, frustration.. All of it.. For what it is worth I am glad some people are good in this world.. I appreciate seeing that exp i suppose in a thread like this because nobody likes talking about this subject..

To the people who reached their hands out to me thank you...

To the people who think they know better than someone else and say some things are fake while there is a slew of information to state otherwise.. I can see that you don't look into life as much.. Close minded I would call it..

Anyway Thanks people for giving your thoughts good and bad..

reply to post by rusethorcain


Your avitar says it all for me.Animals are my only connection with reality anymore.I can't imagine what the human race would be without them...............but then again maybe thats the point,I can imagine what it would be like.

One thing I haven't done with my unsolicited ramblings, is address the topic.

It's one I've thought about. A good bit.

I think suicide is an option, and I don't think it's a "ticket to hell" like some religious teachings preach.

I can imagine a circumstance...for example, if I were somehow captured by terrorists, and was being raped and beaten, and starved everyday. I would see suicide as an option. There are things worse than death.

But suicide due to depression? NEVER.
Why? Because I know for a fact that Depression can be treated.

That's why.

To rusethrocain: Thank you and yes.

Originally posted by doobydoll
I don't think suicidal folk consider the people around them and what they will go through afterwards, they are too full of their own misery and unable to see past it.

Suicides always think no-one cares and no-one loves them and no-one will notice if they're dead, but you are soooo wrong.

Your suicide will affect your family's lives FOREVER, because they love you whether you believe it or not.

I'm training in the health field but I've read some things concerning this. Often times family and friends distance themselves from the person. People have their own lives, and don't really want to get caught up in yours but in any case they still say that they "love you". The love whether it's there totally or not at all, it's meaningless if there isn't action and effort towards helping people.

Talk vs. walk, really. And people like talking.

And my suicide attempts..
They never had anything to do with a girl..

They always had something to do with how I was feeling at 1 particular moment.. THe attempts were because I wanted to die.. The pills incident i was sure i was supposed to be dead but meh, as unlucky as i was I didnt win that game.

I am above average intelligence, just cause I type like a 3 yr old does not mean i am not smart, You should do some back history on me.. This forum is great for tracking how smart someone is or isnt..

As Petrol stated earlier in this thread That we both have asberger's One of the bad things about this issue is we never feel like we belong in a place that is not for us.. WE know more than everyone else, we are more than likely to honest.. and we never lie.. we are so black and white.. We get burned all the time because we are so naive... 40,000 people suicide a year.. I hear 48% of those people are ones who have asbergers...

I dont know this is just a random post has nothing to do with anything.. But gives insight of who I am..

reply to post by kerazeesicko


Please do not bother trying to sell your garbage to me. I live with clinical depression every day of my life and I have enough sense and knowledge to understand the difference between a situational depression and a clinical depression.

Before my depression set in, I lived a normal life. Therefore I am able to draw very distinct differences between the two. To tell me otherwise is ignorant and presumptuous on your part. I live with it, you don't; I experience it, you don't; I know what it feels like, you don't. It is akin to telling a person with asthma that they have no breathing problem simply because you can breathe fine.

Spare me your Big Pharma conspiracy theory bull#. No one can tell me that what I deal with every day is not real. I know for a FACT that it is. And until you have felt it as well, you are stricken with a form of ignorance that even your Wikipedia sources cannot bring you out of.

I have never had suicidal thoughts, but I've had to live through two suicides in my immediate family.

Two years ago my father committed suicide. His health had been declining and he had been diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. I'm not really sure if he knew about that or not. He had also lost almost all of his retirement income due to the crashing economy. My parents had just sold their condo in Florida and my brother called to let inform them that he had to declare bankruptcy and needed some help financially. My mother went to wire him some money the next day and when she returned home she found my dad had locked himself in their bedroom. The only note he left behind was a note that said "Call 911". He took his pistol and shot himself. I had never experienced anything like the feelings that I had following his death. I was very sad, but at the same time very angry. While the sadness seemed to fade with time, the anger is still there. I know he was in terrible pain, both physically and emotionally, but to this day I think there had to be a better way out. He left my mother with nothing. My dad was 75 years old when he died.

Last year in December I received a phone call from my other brother who told me that he had just been told that the brother who had declared bankruptcy had committed suicide. The bankruptcy had completely ruined my brother's life, costing him his job, his marriage, and ultimately his life. Again...sadness and anger. My brother had made lots of mistakes during his final couple of years, but there had to be another way out of his situation. My brother was 42 when he died.

All that I can say is that suicide is not the answer.

reply to post by PETROLCOIN


Depression is so very real. People don't understand. They don't.
It can be so bad it can actually cause physical pain. Every cell in your body can hurt from depression.

I don't even talk to people who think all depression is situational. They don't even know enough to know how much they don't know. They are somehow...confused about what it is.

Originally posted by ThichHeaded

Originally posted by phoenix_zephyr
140,000 people a yr try suicide, 40,000 kill themselves so statistics dictate that if one tries they are more than likey not to succeed.

Just imagine if by some rule of religious code, that if you are going to self terminate you were bound to take a "convicted" drug dealer, pedophile, murderer, or rapist with you. That means that 140,000 selfish people and 140,000 criminals, a total of 280,000 people a year would leave jobs and resources behind for the wanting and willing. This would solve the population control issue that the United Nations is working so feverishly on trying to solve.