Narcissism? Or 'Internet Disease'...

reply to post by Dock9


Dock, another wonderful post.

It's a genuine tragedy. And it's to be doubted it could have continued as long as it did, were it not for internet. It's doubtful the deception could have succeeded via snail-mail and certainly not in the 'real world'. So the thread title is valid in describing it as an 'internet disease'

The Internet Disease part - right on.

Thank you again

reply to post by EMPIRE

Silo, when the truth came out how did he/she/whatever react? Did they remain calm, blow up, blame you? Concerning Narcissism or "internet disease" I'd say a personality disorder may be at play, some of it reminds me of sociopathy and the questions I asked may or may not shed some light on this situation.

She told me after I saw a notice in a cancer forum about her 'partners' death and learned her real name.

I wasn't searching for information, at that point I had no cause to, so she wasn't angry.

Regardless, she told me on her own and though it was like pulling nails - it gave me a glimpse of a side of her I'd never seen before in all the time I'd known her.
I hate to call it the cold calculating manipulative woman side, but hey, that's exactly what it was.
She tried the - 'You can't get mad at me because you know the loss I've just been through and regardless I still came out and told you the truth' - manipulative crap, like I'm supposed to send her flowers that at the moment of her greatest loss she goes ahead and drops a bomb on me and I'm supposed to thank her for it now and not be angry?

Ugh. Women. Exactly one reason I'm not a lesbian. I'll take a good old fashion insensitive man any day.

When I asked her about why she let it go so long -'Because the Internet made it possible to hide the truth...'

There ya go...

Thanks for your post,

peace

reply to post by gazerstar

Forgive me if this has already been asked or revealed, but I did read most of the posts and scanned through some of the others. Did this person mention anything about being transgender?

Nope. She's just a person who chose to lie about her gender in order not to loose something she convinced herself she loved in a romantic way.

Good question though.

I'd of been able to accept it a bit more, believe it or not, if she was trans-gender. But that is came from being narcissistic? Naw...

Thanks

Originally posted by Blaine91555

Originally posted by silo13

I can honestly say I would never have allowed myself into a relationship with a married man if his wife was whole, living and sleeping with him and out of the hospital - none of which was the case with her.

You seem to have confused love and sex. Had he loved her, he would not have had even an Internet relationship. Reminds me of Edwards. Whether he or she, they never had a real relationship to begin with. He /She was cheating all along and so were you. Not what you wanted to hear?

Your here for absolution are you not? Some mistakes we make, we just have to live with.

The person who helped bring my daughter into this world didn't tell me anything about some marriage status that already existed until after being pregnant. The Internet wasn't involved, yet this was when I tutored computer classes at college and my client wanted private lessons all about computers.

Yesterday, I walked through the mall and saw my daughter. I wanted to give her a hug because she has been mssing for 5 years. The courts, the social workers, child support agency, etc, all couldn't find her. Some black guy stands up and hits me and tells everybody that my daughter isn't mine.

How colorblind are people? I told the mall I'm going to sue because they just let my daughter get kidnapped again when they let him snatch her away again.

I only have the slightest relief only to know she is still alive.

Everyday, for the past 5 years, I have woken up everyday and wondered how my daughter is doing. Is she alive. Is she being treated violently (note he hit me and mall says it is on video). Is she being fed. Is she in school.

So I guess i become a "social retard" because I stand there in the mall and break down in tears not knowing what to do, and eventually I head back home to an empty house that still has baby clothes and toys all over the bedroom. I only last month could finally get strength to move the toys left out in the front room and move them in the back room.... after 5 years.

Where is the real men? Right?

Valentines weekend coincidence for this event? Or, maybe more than coincidence my daughter misses me.

Oh, and people just hide behind red ribbons for no better reason.

reply to post by shagreen heart


Thanks for you time and you made some great points.

This one sticks out.

don't you think it's sick that even during alll that they lied to you? that maybe you were keeping them happy because they had some control in their life?

First, yes she admitted that the Internet facilitated the deception. (Talk about stating the obvious.)

But your quote above is where it gets a bit tricky.

Yes, I do agree it was sick.

But using the word sick, seems to me to release someone of responsibility - so therefore I don't want to give her an *out* by accepting that she is sick. Now if she truly IS sick that's another case all together but htere is no indication of this being true. Unless you consider being a lesbian a sickness, and I don't.

Beyond that yes you're correct I do think I was an unknowing co-conspirator if you will in giving her a sense of power in a position she felt utterly helpless in.

Again, does that help me to understand? Some.

Does it make it better? Not a bit.

Thanks for bringing up some really interesting points to go over. If nothing else this whole situation is really an extraordinary case in human nature to study.

peace

reply to post by Blaine91555

He /She was cheating all along and so were you. Not what you wanted to hear?

Your here for absolution are you not? Some mistakes we make, we just have to live with.

It depends on what you mean by cheating. Like I said, there was no sex involved.
Maybe you didn't get that part.
Maybe you also didn't see that this persons wife was sick for over 15 years, and yet 'he' didn't abandon her.
Do you have any clue what kind of hell that must have been?
The last two years knowing she was dying, unable to help, and feeling a grief and pain and fear unbearable?
That this person found comfort in someone who loved them (me) - I've no problem with that.
We never exchanged any words, other than a handful that we could not have shared with anyone else.
That handful of words is no ones business but mine and 'his' but I can say they were words purely of love.

Absolution? I did nothing wrong. And if I had the last place I would go looking for absolution is the Internet, believe it or not, lol.

I came here searching for insight into someone else's mind, and, to touch basis with a larger cut of the humanity pie - in order to see just how much of this 'Internet Disease" is going around.

Thanks for your post honesty is always welcome...even when it's wrong, lol.

peace

reply to post by dzonatas
I'm reading you post and hoping it will not get stomped on for being off topic.
In my opinion it's on topic because we're discussing people who lie to one another in the name of 'love'... And you got a load of it didn't you!

I'm just gut shot over what you've shared.

I've got tons of questions but my questions are not important, what is important is you and your daughter are reunited and you're both safe and healthy and happy again.

I truly hope you wither start a thread bout it so we can all keep up to date with what happens, and support you all the way, or you choose to U2U me for the same reasons.

And you're right - Saying 'I love you' - Where's the hate in that? All over it seems when we're honest.

Thank you so much and please let me know how you're doing.

reply to post by silo13


I'm just kinda rattled right now and don't know how to start a new thread on it at the moment. I stood my ground yesterday, yet the security and cops lost control when they couldn't just listen to what I had to say and they had to digress and fight about every little detail while my daughter disappeared again. Now they are kissing butt because they realized how wrong they were too late.

I yelled out in the middle of the mall... "how hard is this... black guy... white guy... white daughter... and you let her be taken by who?"

And you think it was hard to not see who you are talking to over the Internet.

[edit on 14-2-2010 by dzonatas]

reply to post by Selahobed

And as a woman who see's herself as inteligent and independant etc.. I let my heart rule my head and was swept away in a sea of romance...

I agree and will admit to allowing this to happen,wanting it to happen after knowing him for so long, sure.

Did I think everything was on the up and up? No, it never is, face to face or not. People have a tendaencey if they don't out and out lie, to forget to tell you the whole truth (like in your case)...

Did I think there'd be some new ground to cover? Sure.

But not that he was a chick.

Tanks for your post. I hope I never am in a position to break her nose, but, if I am I'll think of you!

Wow! What an aweful aweful tale! I don't even know how I'd act. Of course I would be upset and confused and maybe even want to work it out someway, on some level. But then it would always be there and your relationship is poisoned. Shame.

You may have said it somewhere, please forgive me if you have. How did you learn that your friend was a woman? (I only read through 3 pages of the thread) I am fascinated to know how this all went down.

I'm going to say something that won't be well received at all... nothing unusual.

I may not know the whole story of your 12 year long cyber affair but I would question your morality on the bigger picture before complaining that you were lied to about the other half gender. You have interacted with somebody online whom you knew was married and later learned that their partner had cancer - when, if ever, did either of you stop to think about how the other person felt or how it may have affected their recovery?

Knowing they were potentially dieing and could easily have known their partner was, in effect, cheating with you?? It's not hard to obtain chat logs, what if, before she died, she found out about your affair? Have you thought about that at all... and does it make you feel like ****? it should.

It seems to me what's happened here is a karmic backlash for being desperately cruel. Perhaps the women you were carrying on with should receive there own karmic response for failing to either leave their partner citing honest reasons before starting a 'relationship' with you or stop all communication with you and focus on their real life partners very real medical problems.

I'm sorry that I feel this way... if my father had an affair during my mothers last months/years I would disown him, and probably seek out to hurt the other person in one way or another. Why do you feel like you have been betrayed when all this time you have betrayed a dieing woman?? You are in the wrong from what I've read here... in fact I think you're a pretty disgusting person for not having the backbone to call it off ... or better still not start it up with someone already married, and particularly with the medical circumstances.

reply to post by Pr0t0

I completely agree with your post.
Let me cut paste a response I posted to another contributor and see if you still feel the same way after you read it.

It depends on what you mean by cheating. Like I said, there was no sex involved.
Maybe you didn't get that part.
Maybe you also didn't see that this persons wife was sick for over 15 years, and yet 'he' didn't abandon her.
Do you have any clue what kind of hell that must have been?
The last two years knowing she was dying, unable to help, and feeling a grief and pain and fear unbearable?
That this person found comfort in someone who loved them (me) - I've no problem with that.
We never exchanged any words, other than a handful that we could not have shared with anyone else.
That handful of words is no ones business but mine and 'his' but I can say they were words purely of love.

So 'he' was already 5 years into his wife's terminal cancer when we met.
He still didn't abandon her - blah blah blah you see it all above.

Thanks for your post - I appreciate your honesty and your tact in relaying your point without being cruel.

Again, I'm trying to focus on the use of the Internet as a tool to decieve, and, that I was not given a choice of the truth in all that time. I do agree though if I was sleezing it on behind her back I'd be the first one to demand your post got an applause.




[edit on 14-2-2010 by silo13]

reply to post by uplander

You may have said it somewhere, please forgive me if you have. How did you learn that your friend was a woman? (I only read through 3 pages of the thread) I am fascinated to know how this all went down.

To make a long story short - She told me after I found the wife's last posts on the internet while I was searching Cancer forums for clues on how to help 'him with his loss. I couldn't believe my eyes when I started reading a specific post in a forum and I was like - Oh noooooo.....

So the Internet facilitated the ruse, and was ultimately the thing that forced the truth into the open.

I do believe she would have told me. When I'm not sure - and that's a problem I'm glad now I never have to face.

Maybe I should join an on line dating service, lol.

NOT!

Thanks

But I do feel the same...

My mother was diagnosed with cancer and both her and my father dealt as best they could with all the chemo and relapses over about 17 years. But not once did my dad want to turn his attentions to somebody else. And had somebody attempted to steal his attentions away I know full well he would have shunned them. There's no comfort like true love and if your friend was not in love with their partner they should have left them long ago and not dragged them through a relationship based on false hopes, at a time when what they really needed was true care.

Your position however is worse still. You entered this relationship as a 'mistress', whether online or not, even knowing that their wife was dieing. Perhaps its true that you can't choose who you love, but it is possible, no matter how hard, to let a person get on with their life without you for a greater cause. The fact that you didn't stop communication with this person looks selfish on your part at best. Be honest... Did you ever wish the other person ill? ... did you want them out of the way so you could have 'him' to yourself? I think the illness you're referring to is right on your doorstep... you used the internet as a mechanism to carry out an affair for whatever personal gain; the fact that you were duped over some part of the affair (i.e. the sex of the other person) is nothing in comparison to luring the affection of the person who should have been caring for their wife in their last months and years.

I'm not saying you're the worst person on the planet. Lot's of people do what you have done. I happen to know first hand of a nurse who ran off with her Alzheimer suffering patients husband. Both were shunned by the community that knew them, and rightly so. When the going gets tough, the weak look for the easy exit. That poor woman had little to live for after that. Your story is different only in the sense that your friend stayed until the end, but how concerned could they have possibly been for their wife if you 2 were declaring love for each other online before she passed? Not so much eh? Poor woman deserved better than the cheating, lying pig stealing her last months with false affection. Everyone concerned should be ashamed. You had the easy option. You hadn't met this person in real life and so to do the right thing when things got 'heated' between you should have been really easy, but its too often stories like this confirm that not many people really care past their own emotions being gratified that someone else is suffering for it.

reply to post by Pr0t0

Again I understand your point, I do, really.

All I'm asking is can you even begin to recognize this person loved their wife, and would never have left her in her time of need, and this 'time' crossed almost 20 years?

And again. There was no sex involved. There was no talking about *what ifs in the future*. We didn't giggle behind her back when her hair fell out. I cared very much for 'his' wife and spent more hours on my knees prayer for her to get better than I can count.
You're adding in a sordid shadow to this relationship that did not exist.

I was there when he couldn't keep crying in front of his wife because it broke her heart.
I was there when he waited for the results to come back from the doctor, results the doctor gave him, not his wife and he couldn't wait alone.
I was there after he finally got her pain under control enough for her to sleep and after he was emotionally and physically spent and terrified.
I was there when he was angry and had to scream at the world but couldn't do it in front of her because SHE WAS DYING.
He gave her his all.
He took from me.
As a nurturer and a caregiver myself, that was enough for me. To help someone I loved through living hell.

Should I have left him to go through it on his own? No.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

The problem I see even more now was the people around them shunned them because of their chosen lifestyle. So, maybe the only place this 'man' could find someone to give him basic human compassing and love and care and support was on line.

Does it make it right that he/she lied to me? NO.

Does it make it understandable. Almost.

Am I sorry for what you had to go through, absolutely.

Again, there was nothing we discussed we couldn't have said in front of his wife. There was a handful of words said in a moment of pure humanness, that said more than the whole decade could fill.

It breaks my heart 'he's' gone.

Would this have happened without the internet? No.
But I don't blame the internet nor do I use it as a crutch.

Let me also add - no child knows the full relationship between their parents.
To say you do, is misleading yourself.
I'm not saying your father would have cheated on your mother, but the fact of the matter is, you really don't know.

Thanks again


[edit on 14-2-2010 by silo13]

reply to post by SpeakerofTruth


wouldn't it be funny if we did know each other?

this is one of the things that cracks me up about this place - ATS

you could live right down the hall from me for all I know

are you that guy that stole my walking stick 3 years ago?

well - are you?

:-)

That is just bananas to invest all of that time and energy on someone WITHOUT meeting them FACE TO FACE. Maybe, and not trying to be rude here at all, IT'S YOUR FAULT for not meeting them in person and ALLOWING YOURSELF to be so naivete. In my opinion, you did it to yourself! Sorry for sounding harsh.

Yeah, everybody.....I'm Superman, I have a million dollars in my pocket, I've been to the moon and back but first stopped at my spacestation and evicted the squat that was living there. I'm going on a world cruise, but first I have to park my Maserati in my hangar and move the Leer jet out of the way so that it will fir amongst my rare collection of Egyptian and Sumerian artifacts. Oh, how did I get all those artifacts? Why, when I used to be an archaeologist with Charles Darwin. Yeah, me and Chuck were roomates in college! He was a narcissistic drunk. I remember one time we were chatting with ol' Bertie ( Albert Einstein), and I told him the missing equation for the Manhattan Project! To see ol' Berties eyes light up when I showed him that mere elementary equation, he couldn't believe he didn't see it before!......you see OP, the internet is full of [SNIP]. It's become like the Army- Be all you can be. In my opinion, some of the people on the net are just damn social diseases. Good Luck, may you have gained some wisdom from your experience! Best of luck next time.

Mod Edit: Profanity/Circumvention Of Censors – Please Review This Link.


[edit on 15-2-2010 by sanctum]

reply to post by nycfrog27

That is just bananas to invest all of that time and energy on someone WITHOUT meeting them FACE TO FACE. Maybe, and not trying to be rude here at all, IT'S YOUR FAULT for not meeting them in person and ALLOWING YOURSELF to be so naivete. In my opinion, you did it to yourself! Sorry for sounding harsh.

Not a problem I appreciate peoples opinions.

I know there's a lot of reading here but I'll add - We're talking about people from two different countries here. Life doesn't always allow people to just up and fly half way around the world to 'meet up' with someone else. I had my own responsibilities I could not walk away from and 'he' had a wife who was critically ill and 'he' could not leave her side. See what I'm getting at here?

Also take the case if we had (and he was really a man) I know I would have had a very hard time remaining platonic. So, it was better all the way around not to meet.

There ya go

Thanks again for your opinion.

reply to post by nycfrog27

yes, your post says it all (and then some)... The Internet opens up a playground for the sick and twisted, I agree.

but I also champion the internet that it is the single most incredible invention made by modern man, lol, so there ya go. Take the good with the bad!

Thanks for your post and time to write,

peace