Softball with AugustusMasonicus: Season III

What's wrong with the world? Everything. Who's fault is it? Millennials. Yeah, that's right, those punk kids are destroying everything. Used to be a man could walk down the street and not get constantly bumped into by some snot-nosed brat carrying a soy latte who has their face buried in their phone using the Instagram and the Twitter. You can't even call them out since their emotionally stunted reply would be 'OK Boomer'. Get off my lawn you kids!

But what better way for you geezers to bridge the generation gap than too actually have me interview one today. This simpering mess of a child agreed to come on only after I promised them I'd cook some HotPockets since mommy and daddy are out and the microwave thing is too much to figure out when you're busy screwing around on Tinder. Please welcome CriticalStinker.

AM: Are you able to tie your Velcro shoes without help?

CS: Yes and no, I can do it on my own, but people keep telling me you don't tie Velcro... Cool, why don't you help a guy instead of just standing there laughing.

AM: How many participation trophies do you have and where do you store them all?

CS: I have one for almost every task I completed as a kid, really the only way my parents, teachers (multiple for each class, because I was "advanced"), or any other adult could get me to do the simplest of tasks. Where I store them is becoming a bit of an issue. I only have so much of my Mom's basement, and she says she needs the room containing my treasures for storage. Yeah, Mom, we can throw away my childhood, that's fine. My therapist agrees that's selfish of her.

AM: What does your safe space look like?

CS: Take a look around, any space you see is a space I can make safe with choice buzz words and demands. Sometimes though people (boomers) just won't play ball with what's acceptable. Time's like that I really have to take a breather, and go to a Starbucks where I know I'll be surrounded by virtuous and like minded people. It's almost perfect there, except they still have dairy. Like how are people cool with acting like cow's udders are just an object they get stuff from? I prefer soy.

AM: Beard, man bun or both?

CS: Just the beard. I want the bun, but I feel like it’s appropriating women. But then my beard is representative of toxic masculinity… But I kinda need the beard, even with it the guys at work call me princess or sunshine, so it’s really all I got going for me.

AM: What useless degree did you obtain in college and what are you doing with it now?

CS: Lol, that's cute Augie. Why on earth would I pay to go to college? Also, no, screw loans... Like I'm going to be in debt to the man.

But to what I do now, I pretty much do odd jobs here and there. There's a killer community garden near me that I am super involved with. We don't really pay each other with money, but rather good wholesome food. We all put blood, sweat and tears about an hour a week breaking our backs to get about 2 pounds each a year. I think we're healthier for it. I try and get by on goberment gimme dats, but they're too meager right now.

AM: How do you feel knowing that Bernie isn’t going to win and give you free everything?

CS: You know what man? You can STFU. You sound just like my Mom, which is fitting, because you're lecturing/triggering me in your basement right now. Also, why did you insist we come here to do this interview, I thought it would be online or something. It's creepy af by the way.

But back to the college thing, I do hope he wins so I can go. I’d probably study gender studies even though it’s harder now that there aren’t only two.

AM: Which Greta is cooler, Thunberg or Gerwig?

CS: Had to Google the second one, so I think you know my answer. I just wish the world would get on board with climate change so Thunberg can stop saving the world and actually enjoy life, maybe marry a transsexual refugee who can come help on this super sick community garden we got over here.

AM: Which made up threat are you most concerned about, climate change or assault rifles?

CS: Softball questions my ass dude... Damn... Really hitting me with some doozies. Uhhhh, one sec, let me get some of this bourbon and think about it. Also, the first glass was better, ever since I poured the first one on my ice and mixed it with some coke, you made me use the other kind. It smells like date rape juice, and I'm getting dizzy. I'm gonna have to go with climate change, because we pretty much all died a couple of years ago, we're overdue, that's what everyone has been saying. It's like no one here really listens.

AM: If Instagram ceased to exist tomorrow what would be your new method of oversharing personal information?

CS: Uhhhhgggg. Again with the impossible questions dude. Idk, what other one's have filters? I don't want to be somewhere that captures just my natural born avatar, gross.

AM: Are you sad that you cannot write in cursive?

CS: Lol, good one dude. What would I do with that "skill", pass notes in a nursing home? Also, I probably should learn how to write in general. I've just been typing stuff since like middle school. Writing is for the bird’s man, in general. Plus, Elon says we'll all just get connected into some cloud thingy and we'll just be able to read each other’s mind someday. Dude's a visionary, and my hero. So the fact I can only type 5 words a minute with my index fingers is going to be irrelevant too.

AM: Alright, time for the Softball questions since I don't want to stress you anymore with adult talk. Favorite film?

CS: Pretty much anything with Keanu Reeves. I mean, where do I begin with him? He's hella badass, he has a super deep personality and broad range of acting skills, and he knows how to treat women. Did you know he always shows his hands when he has his arms around them in pictures? Some say it's just cautious, I think he just want's women to feel comfortable.

AM: Best book you've read?

CS: Never read books. Mom said it wasn't my fault, we never did find a medicine that would help me concentrate. I've done some audio books here and there, but usually I'm playing video games at the same time, so I don't pay attention. I've just given some feminist books a shot so I can score some chicks by dropping some sick references on them. You'd think they wouldn't be cool that I still live with my Mom, but they actually like having someone to dominate and control these days, so I work quite nicely into their list of boyfriends.

AM: Favorite TV show?

CS: I don't watch Tell-lies-vision any more, man. Turns your brain into mush... But if I reach into inner nostalgia, being a kid without a care in the world and waking up, getting some cereal and watching some Dora. Dora the Explorer was pretty dope. A story about some immigrant girl going on adventures with her pet named Boots. It's hilarious, Boots is a talking monkey that wears boots, love it.

Also, what’s up with the small talk questions… They’re super hard to answer, it’s like “what’s your favorite food” or “what’s your favorite color”.

AM: Greatest thing to eat?

CS: HAHAHAH... Dude, I just ripped on you for asking questions like that. I can see you have it written down, but you could have like skipped it after getting burned. Did you forget to drink your Metamucil this morning? Feeling a bit off old timer? Screw it, I'll humor you. I like fruits and veggies that just fell off the plant, so they're super fresh. Unlike you heathens, I don't just abuse creatures of the earth. But you gotta be there when it falls. The dread lock gang usually eats the fresh ones and passes out the bruisy bois though. It's tough being a justice warrior man. Maybe if the boomers actually tried at anything, ever... They'd get it, ya know?

AM: ATS member who’s posts you must read regardless of the topic?

CS: This one is seriously hard for me... I have a lot, so I don't want to name drop some and not others. But I think people would be surprised that I admire a lot of members, especially those I disagree with. I purposefully go out of my way to hear convicted people pitch me the way they think (here and other places for other angles). And even though sometimes I disagree, passionately, I think it's important to at least try and understand where someone is coming from an why. Amazing what you can do with that when you can apply it in the real world and actually come off as human to someone.

AM: If you could go back in time and be a real man which era would you chose and why?

CS: Man, I can't count how many times I've asked myself that. The closest I've gotten is just a simpler time with some level of travel and access to information. I always thought I was born in the wrong generation, so many distractions, everything being superficial to a point it’s praised, ect ect. But It dawned on me pretty recently that it's rare people think they're in the perfect time. I imagine we often think there were better times with less idiots... But humans are always in disagreement, always. So I'm here now, and I guess that's all that matters.

People say be the change you want, and while it's cheesy, it's true... And I don't intend to change anyone else or this time for that matter, all I can do is change me and my environment. So I'll do the rat race and work my ass off so that one day, things will be on my terms. I can have that simple place out in the country I have to split wood and keep a fire going if I want to stay warm.


So, being that Stinker can't write, I instead chatted with him for a bit after the interview as usually I end these interviews with getting personal details to kind of summarize my guest… But by the time we got to this point he was just slurring and talking about how “both parties are the same, nothing ever changes” something, something “status quo”…. He then passed out on the couch even though I was sending signals that he should probably head out and I could call to get him an Uber. The dude didn’t wake up till like 1PM the next day. Other than that he was alright, up until the part where I told him he'd probably want to join the #MeToo movement since he had just become a victim. Several times.

All in all he's not a bad kid, fairly centrist in his views and not one to needlessly get in your face like your fearless interviewer. Maybe we can all take a lesson from his punk ass.

Well, that ends this month's interview and for those of you who don't like malarkey, golly gee willigers, you didn't get any. That whipper snapper poured out his soul for you and all it took was a handful of Ritalin and a Grande Soy Carmel Macchiato. If you don't feel like you connected with the younger generation after this you must be just some old crotchety buzzard who's annoyed that the Reaper is pretty much banging down your front door.

Critical, thanks for coming out today and making time between your heavy work load of playing Call of Duty, posting selfies and Skyping your therapists. We certainly learned why the planet is going to hell and that there's no one capable of saving it. Your parting gift today is, what the **** else? A participation trophy. Enjoy.

Thanks everyone. Until next time.

I found a quick 2 minute dramatic reenactment of the interview process.



Another great one

Best one yet.

I wish MY mom had written my interview answers for me too.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Best one yet.

I wish MY mom had written my interview answers for me too.

I wish my mom would get a mini fridge for the basement so I don't have to walk upstairs for a mountain dew every thirty minutes and keep my friends on Call of Duty waiting.

Life is full of disappointment. My mom agrees.

originally posted by: CriticalStinker

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Best one yet.

I wish MY mom had written my interview answers for me too.

I wish my mom would get a mini fridge for the basement so I don't have to walk upstairs for a mountain dew every thirty minutes and keep my friends on Call of Duty waiting.

Life is full of disappointment. My mom agrees.

Just threaten to get another Che' tattoo if she doesn't buy you one.
She'll come around.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: CriticalStinker

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Best one yet.

I wish MY mom had written my interview answers for me too.

I wish my mom would get a mini fridge for the basement so I don't have to walk upstairs for a mountain dew every thirty minutes and keep my friends on Call of Duty waiting.

Life is full of disappointment. My mom agrees.

Just threaten to get another Che' tattoo if she doesn't buy you one.
She'll come around.

I'm just holding out till 2020 when my food stamps get upgraded to Bernie bux (assuming Yang gets vp).

Its oppressive I can only use government assistance on food right now. Like, I have to put up with boomers destroying the planet, I should at least use their tax dollars to fend off the crippling depression they instill in me.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Yet another thought-provoking, gut-wrenching interview.

I felt like I was in the same room with Mike Wallace and we were both being treated to a steam sauna by Nordic co-eds.

And we were eating jello.

I'm hungry.

Where was I?

originally posted by: CriticalStinker

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: CriticalStinker

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Best one yet.

I wish MY mom had written my interview answers for me too.

I wish my mom would get a mini fridge for the basement so I don't have to walk upstairs for a mountain dew every thirty minutes and keep my friends on Call of Duty waiting.

Life is full of disappointment. My mom agrees.

Just threaten to get another Che' tattoo if she doesn't buy you one.
She'll come around.

I have to put up with boomers destroying the planet, I should at least use their tax dollars to fend off the crippling depression they instill in me.

Best way to get our money is to get out there on the street, get to work...and use your God-given talents.

After all, my Aston Martin's windshield isn't gonna squeegee itself.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Best way to get our money is to get out there on the street, get to work...and use your God-given talents.

I've been getting a lot of traction with streaming myself while playing video games. I typically cap at around eight viewers at any given time, up 100% from last month.

If we follow that trend and apply exponential growth... I should be famous in the next year or two (and that's excluding probable spikes from exposure).

a reply to: DBCowboy

He was a good interviewer. And just like my high school buddies, he drew on me with sharpie since I got too drunk and passed out. Unlike them though, he didn't draw any penises on me... Just dotted lines forming circles on my lower stomach and back. Probably just generational differences.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I laughed...
I cried...
I had to go to the bathroom.

originally posted by: CriticalStinker
a reply to: DBCowboy

He was a good interviewer. And just like my high school buddies, he drew on me with sharpie since I got too drunk and passed out. Unlike them though, he didn't draw any penises on me... Just dotted lines forming circles on my lower stomach and back. Probably just generational differences.

Shhhhh. . . . . just relax.

You'll get a trophy.

It was just like talking to one of the millennial whippersnappers that live in my basement!
That is when/if I can get them to talk to me...
The whole Tide Pod thing doesn't seem to have effected him too badly!
Very impressed!

P.S. Make sure that you are using Aloe Vera on that nephrectomy scar and TAKE YOUR ANTIBIOTICS!!!

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

LOL!!!

I feel like I really know CriticalStinker after this intimate interview. We'll have to make sure to locate all of the Starbucks nearby us on our travels in Boston, in case CriticalStinker needs that safe space or a latte.

a reply to: FauxMulder

A little struggle snuggle now and then builds character.

a reply to: CriticalStinker

You had to go upstairs by yourself to get your mountain dew?
When my son was living in our basement I would bring him his
drinks.He also liked the cheeseburgers and milkshakes I made
as well.You should have seen the joy on his face when I bought
him a mug that held at least a quart of soda.
The bad things,he did take over my computer and I felt like I had
to make an appointment to use it.He did move out after a few months.
I took over my basement and now it's all mine.I could use a bathroom
down here and a mini fridge would be nice and a microwave.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Yet another thought-provoking, gut-wrenching interview.

Nah, if your gut is wrenching right now I think you just had gas station sushi again.

originally posted by: geezlouise
LOL!!!

I feel like I really know CriticalStinker after this intimate interview. We'll have to make sure to locate all of the Starbucks nearby us on our travels in Boston, in case CriticalStinker needs that safe space or a latte.

Still waiting to see if his mommy and daddy sign the permission slip.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

this interview really touched me inside.

Which reminds me about the bathroom of the gas station where I used to buy sushi all the time