Softball with AugustusMasonicus: Season III

The Deep South. For many of you Yankee tool bags it conjures up images of NASCAR, Mountain Dew and pickup trucks with a dead deer slung over the hood. We'll, that thar is just done wrong. There's more to the South than left turns, sugary beverages and non-vegans. They have all kinds of other cool things like humidity, alligators and mullets.

Our next guest is a good ol' boy, never meanin' no harm and is like getting Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse, and, if you're really lucky, some Daisy, all mashed up together. Give a warm southern welcome to Louisiana's own LSU2018.

AM: Does your car horn play Dixie and can it outrun Boss Hogg?

LS: My, ahem, truck, doesn't play Dixie when I honky the horny, but my dad's does (totally fits his character and sense of humor). I drive a 2016 Ram with a Hemi (YEE HAW, It's got a Hemi!) so I've got Boss on the HP, but he's got me on the torque. Boss's 1970 Deville goes 0-60 in 8 seconds, my pick'em up truck does it in 5.9 - according to Motor Trend - and hits its rated top speed (120 mph) in roughly 19 seconds while it takes Boss a little over 22 seconds to reach 100. So it looks like L would take the W in that one.

AM: When the South eventually does rise again will it be more like a George Romero shambling zombie or the pissed off kind from 28 Days Later?

LS: Neither, but since it's a multiple choice answer, I'll go with the pissed off kind from 28 Days Later because we all know how the South is rampant with meth addicts who eventually look like zombies once they start peeling away at their face and their teeth begin to rot out. They'd be high strung and looking for someone to sink their snags into. Instead of using explosions to get their attention, you'd have to make a device that shakes a pill bottle. They'd come from miles around.

AM: Difference between a Redneck and a Hillbilly?

LS: This is pure anecdotal... The small town I grew up in and still live in has its fair share of both. I see these rednecks as guys who love to dress up in cowboy boots with their pant bottoms tucked into one, or both, sides of their boots. They wear cowboy hats and toight Wranglers and love to walk around with a can of Grizzly in their back pocket and look like they just left their ranch. But these dudes have never seen a horse up close, much less rode one. If you accidentally knock over their Bud light, they want to fight you because they're always looking for a fight. They normally lose, too, unless you're by yourself and there's four of them (I know from experience, told the story on here before). They like big 4x4's with 44" Super Swamper mud tires that see the mud maybe one or two times if ever.

A hillbilly is the feller up yonder at the gas station with a little restaurant tucked inside that serves the best food you'll ever eat. You can usually pick his truck out because it's the old beat up pickup truck that squeaks and squeals. He's the guy in overalls, smoking a cigarette or dipping. He's usually sitting outside on the bench by the front door, smiling and saying hello to everyone that walks in and telling them to have a good day when they walk out. Hillbillies never meet a stranger.

AM: How often do you collect beads from showing your boobs at Mardi Gras in New Orleans?

LS: I passed through and stopped in New Orleans once, in 1996, and I'll never go back. I hate that place. We have 2 major Mardi Gras parades in Shreveport every year. I went to every one of them from 1995 to 2006 but I got tired of the fights that always happened, I'd turned 27 and decided to grow up. I never had to show my boobies but when I was in college, I was dating a 4'11 Italian girl that Prince would've referred to as a Little Red Corvette and I would put her on my shoulders so she could show hers, we'd usually end up with the most beads.

AM: Who's hated more in Louisiana; Hurricane Katrina, Democrats or BP Oil?

LS: That depends on your location. Outside of New Orleans, Baton Rouge, and Shreveport, the answer is Democrats. Inside of those three areas, it's BP Oil. They use Hurricane Katrina to their advantage to play the victim card so I wouldn't imagine them hating that.

AM: What Confederate statue do you have on your plantation's circular driveway and why?

LS: I don't have a circular driveway or a Confederate statue. But if I did, I would have a statue of General Lee standing on top of a 1969 replica of the General Lee. I would name it Leonly, and I would put it between my two big Oak trees in the front yard.

AM: If a Daughter of the Revolution had a child with a Son of the Confederacy what would that kid be?

LS: That kid would be 6'2", average looking with blond hair, blue eyes and athletic, and use his sense of humor to attract the hot chicks. My mom had ancestors that fought in the American Revolution (and Civil War), and my dad had ancestors that fought for the Confederates in the Civil War.

AM: Why hasn't Trump been able to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of 'Murica?

LS: He's waiting until his second term nears its end.


 





edit on 7-6-2020 by AugustusMasonicus because: networkdude has no beer but he does have Corona

AM: A few things that Northerners always get wrong about the South?

LS: One. They're not all rednecks. Trust me, there are WAY too many city slickers around here that belong in a big city.

Two. Only the drug addicts have a tooth or two, the rest of us have a full set of teeth.

Few. Trailer parks aren't rare, but there are just as many that are just as bad up in the north and on the west coast.

AM: Alright, now time for the Softballs. Favorite TV show?

LS: Of all time:
Knight Rider (queue the Knight Rider theme) Since you asked...

AM: Favorite film?

LS: Back to the Future, all three. I have them on my DVR and I usually watch them once a week.

AM: Greatest song?

LS: More Than A Feeling by Boston. I must have heard it when I was a teen in the 90's because it always takes me back to driving down a long country road with open fields on both sides, windows down, and the Summer air blowing through my hair.

AM: Last meal on earth?

LS: Corndogs. Ha, just kidding. People say we smell like corndogs here in Louisiana so I couldn't resist. But I do love corndogs and they do smell fantastic. My last meal would be a double bacon cheeseburger, all the way with mustard, and crinkle fries from the little country store gas station & restaurant I talked about earlier. I'd also settle for a pack of Down Home Sausage. A local company makes it so if you don't live within 75 miles of Stonewall, LA, you've probably never heard of it. This stuff smells just like bacon when you cook it. I have to buy two packs at the store because when I cook it, I have to cook extra to keep my 3 year old away from mine long enough for me to eat in peace.

AM: Tabasco Sauce or Louisiana Hot Sauce?

LS: It's a toss-up. They both taste the same but if you look in your friend or neighbor's fridge, you'll usually find both brands. I actually don't care for it much unless I'm eating homemade hot tamales.

AM: What was the greatest moment of your life; getting married, your child being born or LSU pasting Bama?

LS: I refer to my fiancé as my wife because we've been together for nearly 8 years, we'll do a JoP marriage sometime in the future but I'm sure it won't rank as my greatest moment since my son's birth takes that #1 ranking. When he was born, I fought back tears for about 30 minutes and when his mom held him, I think I cried the hardest I've ever cried. Spoke volumes (to me) because I'm not a crier. Not that it's a man card thing, I just don't cry.

LSU finally breaking that 8 game losing streak to Alabama had me and my 17 year old (I have 4 more boys from the mean ass Mexican gal I was married to from 2001 to 2010) hooping and hollering for weeks. They pasted Clemson in the National Championship, I was happy about that as well. But I admit, I also tear'd up when Joe Burrow was giving his Heisman speech and tried to hold back tears when he began to thank all of the offensive players around him that made his season possible, and when he thanked Coach O.





I turned 41 in January, I have 5 boys that range in age from 3 to 17, but my 17 year old will be 18 on May 31. I live on the outskirts of a small 3 sq mi town in NW Louisiana, population 700. I have a fairly nice 4 bedroom house on 3.2 acres with a pond that's stocked with white perch and bass.

I've been with the same company for 13 years, I write contracts, talk LSU sports with the company's attorney all day because we share an office, and I'm over the 3D department where we currently utilize 64 3D printers. I don't necessarily have a hobby other than woodworking when I'm in the mood to build something. I've become a homebody and prefer to get home, relax, and watch Encore Westerns. Many of my days end with Back to the Future.

My fiance, or wife, will be 28 later this year. We met here at work and I thought she was around 27. I was already hooked by the time I asked her out to a bar for a drink and that's when she told me she was only 20. She's a modest old soul as loyal as me so it all worked out. I'm the type of guy who tries to make everyone happy, but I've learned over time that it's the only contributing factor when I get stressed. It's rare but it happens. Outside of that, I never stress. It's the secret to keeping your hair from going grey.

Well there you have it, you were expecting hootin' and a hollerin' and maybe jug band music but you got some seriously funny answers to some very dumb questions. You all may want to rethink where the morons in this country reside. If you said in my house, you'd be correct.

LSU, thanks for joining us today, I have to say, I actually laughed pretty hard at some of your replies and for someone who thinks the funniest thing in the world is drenching someone with dirty puddle water on a drive by that's an accomplishment. Your parting gift today is a BP Oil drum filled with Code Red Dew.

Until next time.

Nice interview guys.
Felt like a little taste of the authentic South.


Gonna go kneel for some BLM protestors now...to wash off any racism I may have got on me.

How do folks in the south eat alligators?

Gas grill or charcoal?

originally posted by: DBCowboy
How do folks in the south eat alligators?

Gas grill or charcoal?

GAS.


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originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: DBCowboy
How do folks in the south eat alligators?

Gas grill or charcoal?

GAS.

----------------------------

I've never actually seem a picture of NASCAR before.

Thank you!

a reply to: DBCowboy

...and that was just the halftime entertainment.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
a reply to: DBCowboy

...and that was just the halftime entertainment.

The south is known for having "Gentlemen".

He was probably lighting a lady's cigarette.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
How do folks in the south eat alligators?

Gas grill or charcoal?

Fried. TAT got that confused with fired.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Yes! I love crude oil and Code Red! I need to confess, though, I got home after this and looked to see what we had in our fridge and the hot sauce we had in there was Zatarain's, another LA based company.

a reply to: LSU2018

I'll trade you some beads for the Zatarain's.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Nice interview guys.
Felt like a little taste of the authentic South.


Gonna go kneel for some BLM protestors now...to wash off any racism I may have got on me.

Be sure to bring a knee pad, you'll have to atone for your sins while you're down there.

a reply to: DBCowboy

Charcoal. Who wants food that tastes like gas? (say that part fast)

a reply to: IAMTAT

Tastes like gas.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: LSU2018

I'll trade you some beads for the Zatarain's.

Do I have to show my moobs?

a reply to: LSU2018

Uh, yeah. Duh.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: LSU2018

Uh, yeah. Duh.

You drive a tough bargain, but I guess we've got a deal.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Cool, stars for everyone!

Until the next time.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

The Deep South.

The deep south?

Louisiana is like America's colostomy bag, Mississippi is the hose, and Alabama is, well...What comes out.

Give a warm southern welcome to Louisiana's own

Definitely warm.