Softball with AugustusMasonicus: Season III

Manly men. Manly men doing men stuff. Really manly men stuff that most of you sissy panty waists couldn't do if your lives depended on it. I'm talking all day, ass breaking, hard sweating manly men stuff in the fields. And living to tell about it, here, on ATS, in rather in depth detail. Manly stuff, like riding a horsey, or cooking. Sometimes doing even more manly stuff like writing stories or dispensing relationship advice. Yeah, that kind of manliness.

Try not to get all worked up for our next guests, ladies, just the mere sight of him could cause you all to spontaneously ovulate. Forget if he galloped up on his stead with a platter of his homemade Italian meatballs, you'd drop dead away. Please welcome this month's guest, Flyingclaydisk.

AM: Are you more Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger or another equally cool cowboy?

FC: Actually, I think I’m more a Mongo type with a little Waco Kid thrown in, and couple dashes of Hedley Lamarr.

AM: Chaps: Fashionably studded- or practical tanned-leather and why?

FC: I’m particularly fond of the ass-less persuasion, personally. Tanned elk skin, thank you. Bright red of course. I used to do the studded thing, but those things chafe after a while.

AM: Did you lasso your mate?

FC: I kinda’ had to. The “Free Candy” sign spray painted on the side of the old van wasn’t working. Have you ever tried swingin’ a rope from the driver’s seat of a 1973 Chevy Vandura while tryin’ to stay under the 25mph speed limit in a School Zone? Oh man! Kept getting hung up on the fuzzy dice.

AM: Tell the truth, why did you buy a ranch, did you think it produced unlimited salad dressing?

FC: Well, the salad dressing was kind of an unexpected bonus. I just didn’t expect so much of it…all at once! Those lettuces are awful hard to rope, you know.

In truth, it’s actually an interesting story. The short answer is, because this is what I said I was going to do. All my life. Despite what anyone said. No matter how crazy they said I was.

I stood in the kitchen of my house one day, I’d gotten all the shots and vaccinations. I had a plane ticket sitting on the counter to a destination on the other side of planet Earth. There was no return ticket. To say I was scared is the understatement of the century, and I was still undecided. I could still bail out, but it was the opportunity of a lifetime. The next morning, I would either go to the airport, or I would live out a life of mediocrity. When the hot humid air of SE Asia hit me on the face as I got off that airplane, I knew life would never be the same. It wasn’t.

In some respects it was a dare of sorts. My father, among others, didn’t believe I could, or would, do it. And…most importantly because…that’s what I said I was going to do.

AM: What’s the most quintessential experience you’ve had on your ranch?

FC: I don’t know what the heck that fancy word is, but no, I don’t think I’ve ever used ‘quint’ in a ‘sentence’ before, if that’s what yer askin’. I think I stepped in some ‘quint’ once and got some on my shoe. Me and a buddy of mine used to throw rotten ‘quinces’ at the neighbor’s car when he drove by, except one time his window was open and we nailed him right in the pie hole!

Now, if’n you were askin’ about one of the most ‘interesting’ experiences, I’d have to go with…tryin’ to figure out how untangle a pissed off cow hangin’ 4 feet off the ground by her hind legs over a 6 foot steel fence.

AM: Being that you live in near-artic conditions for many months a year have you ever had to climb into a Tauntaun for warmth?

FC: There you go with them fancy words again. (had to look that one up!). Never did know what them critters were called, but them’s some good eatin’ right there! Damn straight!

AM: If you actually owned a map and decided to pick a warmer climate to live where would it be and why?

FC: If I owned a map? Okay, next question! Maps? We don’ need no stinking maps!!

I’ve had my fill of the heat and humidity in my life. I lived 2.5 degrees north of the Equator for several years. Can you say “green” and “one perpetual season”? If and when we move, it will be north, not south. My Utopia would have it be Fall for 9 months, Winter for 2 months and early Spring for a month. Me and Mr. Summer don’t see eye to eye.


 

AM: You’ve singlehandedly birthed livestock, delivered hay and nearly remodeled a kitchen, what can’t you do?

FC: Skydive naked. The skydiving part doesn’t scare me nearly as much as my junk slapping me in the face at terminal velocity.

Plus, you’d probably want to video tape the whole thing so you could post it on ATS over and over for chits and giggles!

AM: If someone were to ask your wife if they could wear her hat, ride her horse or borrow her husband what would the answers be?

Her hat? No way. Her horse? Hmmm…maybe, but you’d have to ask her. She might let ya’, in return for some chores, of course! Her husband? Borrow? HA!! I’m sure she’d gladly ‘permanently’ borrow her husband on the one condition they never bring him back…ever!

As a matter of fact, don’t ever ask that question again about borrowing out the husband, okay? New rule.

AM: Favorite film besides that John Woo documentary?

FC: Definitely [I]Apocalypse Now Redux[/I]!

Of course Marcinko’s Rogue Force Delta Green Team 7 Ninja Force Alpha II: The beginning was good too. I also thought the documentary HK Because You Suck, and We Hate You was pretty informative.

Mr. Bean is always a good standby for education and enlightenment.

AM: Favorite tune to tool around the back forty in your pickup?

FC: I’d probably have to go with Hammer Smashed Face by Cannibal Corpse, and about any cut off The Bald Cadaver album by Cerebral Core is light and enjoyable as well.

I used to be into Classical music, but that stuff just got too twisted and disturbing for me. Kept me up at night wondering about monsters under my bed and stuff.

AM: Greatest book you’ve ever read?

FC: I think the greatest literary work in the history of mankind has got to be Green Eggs & Ham by Dr. Seuss.

Though, Dante’s Inferno was absolutely hilarious! I’m still chuckling about that one! I mean, not even Eddie Murphy could top that work! Well done…literally and metaphorically.

AM: Your wife is a chef, greatest thing she’s ever prepared for you?

FC: We have a running joke; she asks what I want for dinner and my reply (instantly) has always been… ‘Lobster Thermador!’ One time I came home and she asked if I knew what was for dinner, and I said ‘Lobster Thermador?’. To my surprise, she said ‘YEP!’

So….I’m gonna’ have to go with a…Fried Bologna Sammich. That, or a Grilled Cheese, she makes a wicked Grilled Cheese!

AM: What made you pick a screen name that people want to shoot to pieces?

FC: Actually, an interesting question! I really have no idea! LOL…just kidding. I’ve spent much of my professional life in aviation and engineering. And much of that has been spent at 35,000 feet. I’m also an avid firearms enthusiast, and used to be pretty darn good at the sport of Trap. The “k” at the end of the word ‘disc’ was intentional, it just didn’t ring right without the “k”, so I went with it. And yes, ‘clay’ is indeed a reference to a clay bird used in Trap. So, ‘Flying clay disk’ it became.

AM: You’ve told us everything from your cow’s serial number to a recipe for making artichokes, tell us something we don’t know.

FC: Hmmmm…that’s a toughie.

I’ve got a lot of recipes for marinated possum stew, if that helps.

Seriously though, I guess the one thing I would say is something even I didn’t know myself. A lot of people think working in the beef cattle business makes a person cold and hard. From the outside, looking in, I thought that too. What I’ve found, for myself, is exactly the opposite. I now have a much more profound appreciation for all creatures on Earth (I can’t say the same for some people). Everything has a purpose, and the more care you put into that purpose the more fulfillment you get out of life as a whole.

I guess that’s it really.



So who is flyingclaydisk anyway?

FCD would be a 57 year old big, ugly, size 15 wearin’, lummox who works in aviation engineering and resides on a cattle ranch somewhere next to BFE in Utopia. He is blessed with a wonderful bride (who really is a Chef), 2 dogs a bunch of critters, including cows and steers and one hell of a great view!

Well, did it happen ladies? Who am I kidding, it did. I don't blame you, steer-roping, sammich-eatin', Suess-reading stud bombs have that effect on the fairer sex. It is know. Now take a glance over at your mate, thinking about an upgrade? Too late! This one live so far from civilization it ain't going to happen.

FCD, thanks for playing along today, it was great to have someone on that was almost as studly as me. At this point I'd normally hand out a parting gift but you've pretty much done everything and have seen plenty. The only thing I can think of that you haven't done is drink a vegan soy latte. So I got you one of those. Enjoy.

Until next time...

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

in light of the current situation - has your softball been correctly sanitised ?

a reply to: ignorant_ape

Duh, no, of course not.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I knew who it was within the first sentence.

I think we all need to up our man game.

originally posted by: JinMI
I knew who it was within the first sentence.

You did? It wasn't me, it was FCD.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

You're pretty sly for a mason guy.

Skydive naked. The skydiving part doesn’t scare me nearly as much as my junk slapping me in the face at terminal velocity.

This is why they make duck tape.

PS. Why has the ring girl taken over AM's account? Is that what covid does to you? Strange times.

Big Fan here.
Great interview, you two.

Question for the rest of ATS:
How many cattle mutilations at the ranch each year...and what is the best way to prepare Chupacabra?

originally posted by: FauxMulder
PS. Why has the ring girl taken over AM's account? Is that what covid does to you? Strange times.

That's Khaleesi.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Big Fan here.
Great interview, you two.

Question for the rest of ATS:
How many cattle mutilations at the ranch each year...and what is the best way to prepare Chupacabra?

Oh, that's a good one. I'd like to know the recipe as well.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: FauxMulder
PS. Why has the ring girl taken over AM's account? Is that what covid does to you? Strange times.

That's Khaleesi.

#NotMyKhaleesi

originally posted by: IAMTAT

Question for the rest of ATS:
How many cattle mutilations at the ranch each year...

Do they count if FCD is the mutilator? I have a suspicion he's been the cause of all the funny business over there at Skin Walker. Big competitors.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Me three!

Now that I know what a "Tauntaun" is, I think it's time to move on to "the other red meat".

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

FCD, thanks for playing along today, it was great to have someone on that was almost as studly as me. At this point I'd normally hand out a parting gift but you've pretty much done everything and have seen plenty. The only thing I can think of that you haven't done is drink a vegan soy latte. So I got you one of those. Enjoy.

Until next time...

My pleasure!

Thank you.

Having wrassled quite a few cows in my day I appreciate this interview immensely

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

While reading the first paragraph, this is the song playing in my head:



Great interview, that cowboy dude is an interestin' feller.

Or, as I guy I used to work with used to say, "I ain't a dude I'm a MAN!"

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

*prematurely ovulates*

LOL.

But really, flyingclaydisk's story about buying the ranch, wow! That is some inspiring amazingly cool stuff. Just wow!

originally posted by: dashen
Having wrassled quite a few cows in my day I appreciate this interview immensely

Was that in a pit of Jello or Wesson oil?

a reply to: IAMTAT

A gentleman never tells

originally posted by: geezlouise
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

*prematurely ovulates*

LOL.

I Love The Smell Of Succubus Pheromones In The Morning!
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