Isolation....is there anybody out there?

a reply to: caitlinfae

Breakups suck , plus as you mentioned this time of year is lousy regardless .

First Christmas on my own for 10 years this year .

My Angel,Soulmate and best Friend decided she wanted to go it alone .

Distratctions ? A nice single Malt (LARGE one) helps .

just surfacing to say hi

hope things is better

hope you'll keep us posted

zup?
still hanging in there?

housebound like a lot of us?
hope all is well

a reply to: ElGoobero

Hi....

Sorry I haven't been around more....stuck in the house, treading water basically, waiting for something to happen, and it never seems to. I've had some weird stuff happen in my life, but this is absolutely the weirdest of all weird stuff.

I'm stuck with him practically living with me, and he's actually been ok, **touch wood**….no tantrums, no arguments, no visits from his other woman at my door again, although I have a feeling she might surface soon. I just don't know what to make of it, or what to do. I'm just waiting...

So yeah...I'm ok...it could be worse, and like everyone else, this is the last situation I thought I would find myself in. I'm doing a LOT of gardening.

All kinds of really awful things go through my head though, all kinds of revenge fantasies that I will never act on. And some that I might well act on if I wasn't actually dealing with someone like him. The other woman now, that's a different story....I would very happily torment her till the end of time and take the karma. I'm a very calm and usually very controlled and patient person, endless patience, probably too much, but I worry a little about what might happen if something surfaces that pushes me too far and I lose it. It has happened, although very rarely, and the fallout would be immense this time...like armed response units, arrests, blood in the streets....best not go there, just stay calm eh? I don't feel like I will lose it, it's become more like a game that I have the ending to, but don't know how to progress to that point. I can see the destination, but the path is hidden. Make sense?

Anyway....I hope everyone is ok, and I will be checking in more regularly...thank you for asking how I'm doing. That means a lot.

wishing you peace

and no virus or looters

a reply to: caitlinfae


www.survivinginfidelity.com...

Great resources on the above link. You will get survive and get through this.

hope things is better 4U

rough summer for a lot of us. bad weather, economic uncertainty, Orioles losing...

hope you're winning Caitlinfae

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: caitlinfae

North is bad for 2020 too. -quarrels/fighting
Use metal decor, try not to use the north much if possible. Absolutely no renovations in that location.
Use a red or purple bath math/towels.

Damn, I was on the money!!!

still around OP?

I am going through something similar for a few months now, so I can offer my experience and viewpoint, for whatever it's worth (if any).

In my opinion, these kind of things are usually both karmic and spiritual. We have been on the other side of the fence at some point (perhaps past incarnation), and now we have to reap what we have sown back then. Perhaps we were popular, discarding good people and laughing at the innocent that were so madly in love with us, and breaking their hearts without even realizing the pain we were causing.

Or worse, realizing, but doing it anyway.

Now, any crisis is also an opportunity, but it's really difficult to remember that when 90% of your life is pain, and 10% is eating, sleeping, and all the other stuff.

It's incredible, how long a 'broken heart' type pain can stay so intense, it feels like it's not dissipating at all, despite the thousands of ears every day.

As they say, each tear you shed, makes you wiser.

Pain like this can make one really confused; on one hand, there's the theory that you shouldn't think about the ex (can be any 'object of emotional lust (people call this feeling 'love')', but I'll just use the word 'ex' for convenience), because thinking or processing all this would be like bothering a wound that wants to heal, but can't, because you keep picking it.

On the other hand, there's the theory that you have to face your fears, you have to keep doing something until you are numb to it - so if anything causes you any emotional pain, you should immerse yourself in that something, until there's no more pain left. If you're afraid of dogs, you should be near dogs (as long as you can do that safely - dogs can 'smell' fear, so the dogs should be balanced and trained for this type of help, not the red zone cases that bite everything that moves). If you're afraid of the dark, you should be in darkness a lot until you get used to it, and so on.

If a certain sound makes you panic, you should just listen to that sound until you feel nothing.

So I am kind of conflicted between these two theories, not sure which I should attempt. I have been doing a bit of both. Doing the latter, 'confronting' and processing the emotions, makes me cry like a little child that has just scraped both knees on a hot, summer asphalt. It is a relief, but it also brings me into the depths of abyss of absolute, tearing despair that removes all hope and makes me feel like I have no worth whatsoever, and everything about my whole existence is wrong down to the atomic level.

The 'letting it heal' process works to a degree - it keeps me relatively numb, I can sometimes laugh at some very funny humor (most of the time, I can't laugh these days), I can be so involved in a game or a chat that I 'forget to feel pain' - but I can't feel joy, either, and I can't actually 'enjoy' anything. I can just keep my mind 'elsewhere', so I am not crying, and that's about it.

If I go outside, and look at some beautiful nature, and just happen to think about my own life and how miserable it is, tears come almost immediately. So I am beginning to start being afraid or at least frustrated about going outside. I don't bring distractions when I go out, so I am all open to my most destructive thoughts, and somehow nature seems to trigger the most deep thoughts that also cut the most deeply.

I am taking this partially as a test of faith, and as a very useful karmic tool - after all, this is why I came to this world, to be able to experience all these very 'lifelike' things, from heartaches to fears and other things not really as possible to experience with full depth in the astral side of things. When you can escape to euphoria any second you wish, how can you ever experience deep loneliness, isolation, pain or worthlessness?

I have gotten over this type of heartaches before, and it has been a decade since anything like this happened the last time, so I completely forgot it could happen. In fact, I thought it was impossible by now, I thought my life was stable, when it comes to this kind of thing. I certainly didn't plan it to happen.

The worst thing about my particular case is, it's so STUPID, I can't ever share the details with anyone. There's no one that can ever know, it's just too embarrassingly ridiculous and unexpected.

It's almost like you're just shopping somewhere, looking at some windows, then you see some doll in some window - and that quick glance to a doll's carefully manufactured face opens a chasm inside of you that floods in some memories of some past incarnation's relationship that you suddenly realize you have incredibly powerful, intense feelings for, but can't ever access as anything more than memories.

So now you just sit in pain, trying your best to not yield to the temptation to go into that store and buy that old, expensive doll. What would it solve if you wasted your savings to purchasse it? Maybe you'd want to ask the shopkeep questions about the doll's origins and all.

Every waking second you are filled with excruciating desire to go to that store and at least look at the doll again, and despite saving for years for something more important, you are ready to waste all those savings for that ancient doll, even though you know the doll can't give you anything except more pain at worst, and just a big 'nothing' at best.

And yet, you have to use a lot of energy and power that you don't even have to begin with, JUST to not immediately rush out to go into that shop and grab that doll. You have to use all your might to resist that ever-growing temptation, worried that one of these days, the power of the temptation exceeds your power to resist it.

All while crying about the beauty of the doll's face - how can a lifeless object make you feel so much for all these months?

This doll-example is completely imagined fiction, I am just using it to try to explain the stupidity of the situation. My situation is equally stupid - it's so stupid, that doll-example MIGHT as well be 100% real (in fact, the doll-example is more relatable and less stupid).

Sometimes, when there's a rare 'good day', I can momentarily forget I am in heartache-type broken heart-pain. I can just walk somewhere or talk to someone, or even do something creative a bit - and then SUDDENLY it hits me; something reminds me, and now I can't breath, because my throat is choked from the emotion, or see, because tears flood my eyes.

Seeking help from other people, seeking help from outside yourself - it can work only to an extent, as these are spiritual and karmic opportunities that WE have the power to resolve ourselves. It's our own duty, our own self that must, in the end, experience it through and solve it.

Only we can heal ourselves. It's useless to try to find a magical gem or jewel, there's no powder or pill, you won't meet an energy healer from another planet that will come and put their hand on your chest and you are magically healed. There's no someone that will say the right words to make the pain go away. There's no social situation that will make you feel complete again.

If you suffer from loneliness, GOOD! Immerse yourself in the pain of loneliness, let it be an opportunity to get to know yourself, look and feel what you really are. Let your emotions exist, let the pain flow through. You seek other people out of panic - but you must know this is the wrong direction.

Why would someone be "around OP"? Use the Oxford Comma, please.

Anyway, to continue..

We can fill our lives with people, but a solitude is a rare opportunity that we should fully utilize and not waste.

There's time and we can make mistakes. Light a candle, empty your mind, and look inside, who are you - where did you come from? Where were you 100 years ago? 200 years ago? You were somewhere. Maybe you were alone then, too. Maybe you were with people you haven't seen since.

The fact is, you were.

So you can now be. With or without people, you are always with yourself. So there's no need to panic, at least you are in familiar company. And if not, it's time to finally get to familiarize, don't you think?

Just one more thought..

You do realize, HE is not the problem, don't you?

When I long for someone, the problem is not that I can't have that someone. The problem is the longing.

As Buddha said, desire is the source of all pain. If there's no desire, there's no pain.

I have realized this about my own heartache as well. In fact, this heartache was not planned and it came out of the blue - I only had -platonic- love, I was in a 100% 'giving mode' without any expectations or anything like that. I was happily, smilingly loving and giving, and planned to soon move on and all that. There was nothing selfish in the beginning, I didn't want to 'own', there was absolutely no jealousy, and so on.

I guess you could say that the individual in question surprised me by their incredible kindness and consideration that went beyond anything anyone could've expected, and that somehow.. I guess.. somehow OPENED UP some kind of Pandora's box inside of me, completely unexpected, completely mindblowing, completely self-shattering... and NOW there was jealousy, there was 'desire to own', there was explosion of self-esteem into tiny pieces that were blown away as bitter dust in the terrible stormwinds of jealousy and envy.

Once _THAT_ happened, I immediately escaped the situation, and haven't been there ever since. So I have not been living in delusions, I have not been 'expecting' anything, I have not been doing anything destructive - I haven't communicated ever since, I haven't been angry, etc. etc.

It was like someone just suddenly hit my heart with a hammer of kindness and unfairly unexpected sacrifice for my benefit, and my heart didn't know how to handle it. I am not used to anyone being kind towards me, I guess, so it was completely unexpected turn of events that something in me reacted in a really warped way, I guess.

It has been clear from the beginning, the problem is, and has always been ever since that happened, ME, and my heart, that suddenly filled me with desires I didn't ask for, didn't want, and still don't want. I don't want to want the things something in me wants. Those wants, or desires, cause all the problems and pain, that are thankfully contained within myself and can't hurt anyone else, because I escaped the situation immediately.

It's CRAZY, how it has been months, and the pain hasn't gotten weaker - I expected the pain to be gone in a month or so, but almost three months later, it's just as unbearable as ever, and it's completely life-changing. I used to be able to go outside for a nice walk and actually enjoy the nature. Now I can do the physical side, but anything I look at, whether it's a beautiful leaf or a whole tree, has the power to make me sob uncontrollably. And the things that REMIND me... will just insta-break me into facial flood that blinds me collapses all motivation inside to even walk one step further.

The point is, as long as you seek solutions from outside yourself, you are trying to treat symptoms, not the cause. The cause is not him, it's never someone else - the cause is your -desire-. Deal with that, and you can heal. I will try to do the same.. Good luck to both of us!

Ah, just one more..

My goal, what I really WANT, is to reach an internal place, to reach a situation, to reach a spiritual feel, to reach an emotional balance, that lets me know -anything- without feeling anything bad. To see -anything- (within reason) without feeling anything bad.

I want to be especially able to know and see that the object of this emotional lust and desire, is doing all kinds of 'romantic' and 'intimate' things with others, maybe while hating my guts completely, wanting to hurt me and cause pain to me - and being able to see, hear, feel and know all this without feeling anything bad.

I want to basically learn the ability to know/see anything, no matter how 'emotionally devastating', and not feel anything bad about it. Basically, it would be like if you can watch your ex have coitus with someone(s) you hate (the more people, the better), listening to them moan/whatever, and watch this for hours, and feeling 100% neutral or happy about it.

I think reaching that kind of plateau is WORTH the pain. I just wonder if I can reach it.. (I sure hope so)

If it helps, I have noticed that the case I fell for 10 years ago and cried a lot about, does not raise any kind of feeling in me. It's that kind of impassion I want to reach about -everyone-, permanently, so that my heart can be fully in platonic loving-mode instead of selfish jealousy-mode. That way, I can never feel jealousy or envy about anyone, and I can just bless everyone, no matter how their actions 'hurt' me (not that they would, if I can be like this).

My point being, if I can be 100% impassionate about someone I cried passionately about for months, about 10 years ago, I can surely some day be just as impassionate about the current heart's chosen one. I just hope it will take less than 10 years of time, though..

hope things got better OP

thanks for your input Shoujikina you've really written some powerful stuff

hope things are good for you too
ten years is a long time.

hope things is good for you

Well here we are....how many years later and its still not totally sorted but....almost. Almost. 😀 It's been the roughest time of my life without exception, things happening that I couldn't even have created in my worst bad dream but I'm looking at my 12 year old dog snoring in his security hoodie and thinking it's all OK really. I'm still here, still have plans, still have work to do but they don't include butter beans. Can't handle them.

How's everyone doing? 😀

good to hear from you!

sometimes all we can do is live one day at a time.
survival = winning.

I'm sure the animal companion was a blessing to you

The more isolated and divided we are the easier we are to control. :-/

I hope things improve for you, and all. Conditions can change, they can always change.

Hi guys... 👋

Thank you for the replies. It's still early days and I'm a bit ashamed of my laziness the last few days but I try to remember it's not a race.

And yes....it was all about control, on an industrial scale. I've learned so much.

originally posted by: caitlinfae
Hi guys... 👋

Thank you for the replies. It's still early days and I'm a bit ashamed of my laziness the last few days but I try to remember it's not a race.

And yes....it was all about control, on an industrial scale. I've learned so much.