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How to deal with the death of a parent
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a reply to: DBCowboy
I don't think we ever "deal" with it.
Lost my Dad in 2014. I thought I was ready for it, I wasn't.
I still talk to him, I've even picked up the phone to call him only to realize he's not there anymore.
In 1993 he almost died from cancer, and he recovered. Then it finally got him in the end.
Sorry for your loss. I wish I could say it gets easier. In reality, you simply adjust.
I don't think we ever "deal" with it.
Lost my Dad in 2014. I thought I was ready for it, I wasn't.
I still talk to him, I've even picked up the phone to call him only to realize he's not there anymore.
In 1993 he almost died from cancer, and he recovered. Then it finally got him in the end.
Sorry for your loss. I wish I could say it gets easier. In reality, you simply adjust.
First of all, I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Losing a parent is a difficul situation. And I honestly think it's more difficult the older you get.
I lost my father nearly 15 years ago, when I was 12. And although it subconsciously messed me up to this day - I bounced back so quick because I was a kid! I wasn't old enough to be burdened with the responsibilites of death as you are when you are older. I knew my dad as my dad, not my friend. I believe you often develop friendships with your parents as you get older and you're both adults. And that only adds to the pain of losing them.
You've had so many great memories and times i'm sure - so remember the happy times, and in an effort to not be sappy - ride the wave, time heals.
Losing a parent is a difficul situation. And I honestly think it's more difficult the older you get.
I lost my father nearly 15 years ago, when I was 12. And although it subconsciously messed me up to this day - I bounced back so quick because I was a kid! I wasn't old enough to be burdened with the responsibilites of death as you are when you are older. I knew my dad as my dad, not my friend. I believe you often develop friendships with your parents as you get older and you're both adults. And that only adds to the pain of losing them.
You've had so many great memories and times i'm sure - so remember the happy times, and in an effort to not be sappy - ride the wave, time heals.
My heart goes out to you DB.
I still miss Mom and Dad, gone now almost thirty years.
Just be gentle to your self.
I still miss Mom and Dad, gone now almost thirty years.
Just be gentle to your self.
Sorry for your loss dude, ave been there more times that I would like to have been myself and I know how hard it is, no words ever make it better.
Hope your doing ok.
Hope your doing ok.
First off I would like to offer my condolences. It is never easy to lose a parent, especially one you are close with.
No words can assuage the feeling of loss, but sometimes, sharing stories of loss can help, so I will share mine.
My father passed away at 70 in 2007. It was a surprise at the time, but not completely unexpected. He had been living "on borrowed time" for almost 2 decades already. The reason I say "borrowed time" is the fact that my father had 2 heart attacks back in the early 90's in his 50s. Also, up to that time, no male on my father's side of the family had lived to see their 60th birthday so every day we had after his heart attacks was counted as a blessing.
The day my father died was a good day. My whole family was at my house celebrating my sons 3rd birthday. My son was the first (and only, at the time) grandchild on both sides of the family, so it was a big deal. We had a great day. My brother and I spent a lot of time talking to my Dad. Dad got to spend some quality time with his grandson. It was a great day.
My mother and father left around 7pm to head home. Once they got home, my dad fed the dog and complained to my Mom that he was having a little trouble breathing and was going to hook up his oxygen (He had emphysema and COPD as well as diabetes). Next this that happened was Mom found Dad sprawled across his bed, not breathing. She called 911 and then me. When she called my wife and I thought they had forgotten something. Of course, I dropped everything and started driving to the hospital when she told us what happened. It's an hour drive from my place to where my folks live. That is a lot of time to think about what is happening. Almost too much time.
Anyway, by the time I got to the hospital they had restarted his heart. He was breathing by ventilator. His heart stopped a few times while we were there and the doctors were saying it wasn't looking good and they believed the only reason his heart was beating was all the medication they had given him. They wanted to disconnect him from the equipment and let him go.
My mother and my aunt turned to me to ask what they should do. I asked my mom, how long was dad not breathing? How long did it take for the EMTs to respond to the house? After a few minutes she admitted it had taken at least 15 minutes before the EMTs got to the house and he hadn't been breathing for at least that long.
I then had to say some of the hardest words I have ever uttered. I told my mom, "We should let him go. Even if the doctors can restart his heart permanently, Dad's not there anymore. We wasn't breathing for too long. There will be too much brain damage. He's not Dad anymore." After my Mom, Aunt and I crying for a bit, they agreed with my assessment and I told the doctor's of our decision.
Because he stopped breathing at the house, an autopsy was ordered. It turns out he died from a sepsis infection he got from a wound on his leg. He knew about the wound and even showed it to me that day. I told him he should see a doctor about it, but he said he tried earlier in the week, but there was construction going on in the doctor's parking lot and it was too much of a pain in the butt to find parking so he decided to go home instead. I'm not saying that seeing the doctor could have prevented this, but it certainly would have been advisable.
Dad was notorious for avoiding the doctor's. Years after having his heart attacks he was getting a chest xray to see if his heart was swollen. The doctor informed him, "You heart is looking great, and I see those two cracked ribs are healing up nicely." My father replied, "Cracked ribs? Oh, that must be that pulled muscle I had last year." The dumb ass didn't see anyone about chest pains for a YEAR. I love him, but sometimes I could just smack him! This was not an isolated incident. I could spend hours recounting all the times he hurt himself and though he was "ok". Broken limbs, large cuts, etc.
I feel like I got a little off topic. My point is, nothing can really prepare you for the loss of a parent, especially one you consider your hero. I hope my stories about my Dad help you in some way.
Take care and know that you are not alone in your grief. While we did not know your father personally, we share in your sense of loss.
Be well.
No words can assuage the feeling of loss, but sometimes, sharing stories of loss can help, so I will share mine.
My father passed away at 70 in 2007. It was a surprise at the time, but not completely unexpected. He had been living "on borrowed time" for almost 2 decades already. The reason I say "borrowed time" is the fact that my father had 2 heart attacks back in the early 90's in his 50s. Also, up to that time, no male on my father's side of the family had lived to see their 60th birthday so every day we had after his heart attacks was counted as a blessing.
The day my father died was a good day. My whole family was at my house celebrating my sons 3rd birthday. My son was the first (and only, at the time) grandchild on both sides of the family, so it was a big deal. We had a great day. My brother and I spent a lot of time talking to my Dad. Dad got to spend some quality time with his grandson. It was a great day.
My mother and father left around 7pm to head home. Once they got home, my dad fed the dog and complained to my Mom that he was having a little trouble breathing and was going to hook up his oxygen (He had emphysema and COPD as well as diabetes). Next this that happened was Mom found Dad sprawled across his bed, not breathing. She called 911 and then me. When she called my wife and I thought they had forgotten something. Of course, I dropped everything and started driving to the hospital when she told us what happened. It's an hour drive from my place to where my folks live. That is a lot of time to think about what is happening. Almost too much time.
Anyway, by the time I got to the hospital they had restarted his heart. He was breathing by ventilator. His heart stopped a few times while we were there and the doctors were saying it wasn't looking good and they believed the only reason his heart was beating was all the medication they had given him. They wanted to disconnect him from the equipment and let him go.
My mother and my aunt turned to me to ask what they should do. I asked my mom, how long was dad not breathing? How long did it take for the EMTs to respond to the house? After a few minutes she admitted it had taken at least 15 minutes before the EMTs got to the house and he hadn't been breathing for at least that long.
I then had to say some of the hardest words I have ever uttered. I told my mom, "We should let him go. Even if the doctors can restart his heart permanently, Dad's not there anymore. We wasn't breathing for too long. There will be too much brain damage. He's not Dad anymore." After my Mom, Aunt and I crying for a bit, they agreed with my assessment and I told the doctor's of our decision.
Because he stopped breathing at the house, an autopsy was ordered. It turns out he died from a sepsis infection he got from a wound on his leg. He knew about the wound and even showed it to me that day. I told him he should see a doctor about it, but he said he tried earlier in the week, but there was construction going on in the doctor's parking lot and it was too much of a pain in the butt to find parking so he decided to go home instead. I'm not saying that seeing the doctor could have prevented this, but it certainly would have been advisable.
Dad was notorious for avoiding the doctor's. Years after having his heart attacks he was getting a chest xray to see if his heart was swollen. The doctor informed him, "You heart is looking great, and I see those two cracked ribs are healing up nicely." My father replied, "Cracked ribs? Oh, that must be that pulled muscle I had last year." The dumb ass didn't see anyone about chest pains for a YEAR. I love him, but sometimes I could just smack him! This was not an isolated incident. I could spend hours recounting all the times he hurt himself and though he was "ok". Broken limbs, large cuts, etc.
I feel like I got a little off topic. My point is, nothing can really prepare you for the loss of a parent, especially one you consider your hero. I hope my stories about my Dad help you in some way.
Take care and know that you are not alone in your grief. While we did not know your father personally, we share in your sense of loss.
Be well.
a reply to: DBCowboy
The only advice I can give is there is no "right" way to grieve.
You might feel numb at times, you might laugh inappropriately, you might burst into tears when you least expect it.
As you move through it, don't worry about what you are supposed to feel or say or how people might expect you to act. Just move through it your own way and at your own pace.
The loss of a father feels like an emotional earthquake, but please remember the ground will settle again beneath your feet some day soon and he is still with you as he always has been.
The only advice I can give is there is no "right" way to grieve.
You might feel numb at times, you might laugh inappropriately, you might burst into tears when you least expect it.
As you move through it, don't worry about what you are supposed to feel or say or how people might expect you to act. Just move through it your own way and at your own pace.
The loss of a father feels like an emotional earthquake, but please remember the ground will settle again beneath your feet some day soon and he is still with you as he always has been.
a reply to: DBCowboy
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I just experienced the loss of my father as well.
My family had gotten back from vacation on August 15th. My parents were watching our dog for us. I was tired from driving, so instead of visiting with him, I went and took a nap. The middle of the night of the 16th my mother called and said something was wrong with my dad. I rushed to the hospital. He had a major brain aneurysm, and nothing could be done. He passed about 9AM on August 17th.
It has been just over a month now, and it has been hell on my family. My mother and father were married for 45 years. My kids were very close to him.
I know as a guy, I am supposed to suck it up and not cry, but I have honestly shed so many tears.
Yesterday, I woke up angry at the world. Yelled at my one son, for talking back, then went into the bathroom and had an angry spazz attack. Punched the wall, and tore a big chunk of sheet rock out. (patching it up now)
I have gone through all the emotions, sadness, anger, disbelief....
They say it gets better with time. It has not gotten better yet in this first month, still very fresh. I find it hard to work or do much of anything. I just seem to think on him all day long.
I guess all we can do is our best to hold in there, and be there for others.
Wishing you all the best, Andrew
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I just experienced the loss of my father as well.
My family had gotten back from vacation on August 15th. My parents were watching our dog for us. I was tired from driving, so instead of visiting with him, I went and took a nap. The middle of the night of the 16th my mother called and said something was wrong with my dad. I rushed to the hospital. He had a major brain aneurysm, and nothing could be done. He passed about 9AM on August 17th.
It has been just over a month now, and it has been hell on my family. My mother and father were married for 45 years. My kids were very close to him.
I know as a guy, I am supposed to suck it up and not cry, but I have honestly shed so many tears.
Yesterday, I woke up angry at the world. Yelled at my one son, for talking back, then went into the bathroom and had an angry spazz attack. Punched the wall, and tore a big chunk of sheet rock out. (patching it up now)
I have gone through all the emotions, sadness, anger, disbelief....
They say it gets better with time. It has not gotten better yet in this first month, still very fresh. I find it hard to work or do much of anything. I just seem to think on him all day long.
I guess all we can do is our best to hold in there, and be there for others.
Wishing you all the best, Andrew
edit on 26-9-2018 by MrRCflying because: (no reason given)
I'll be leaving soon, flight/travel etc.
I just wanted to say thank you all for your kindness and kind words.
I just wanted to say thank you all for your kindness and kind words.
a reply to: DBCowboy
We will be with you in spirit Sweetie.
Everyone deals with their loss differently and in their own time. Though things will never be the same, you will never walk alone. You have your family and your ATS family. That is a lot of love to help you see your way through and we will be by your side every step of the way.
We will be with you in spirit Sweetie.
Everyone deals with their loss differently and in their own time. Though things will never be the same, you will never walk alone. You have your family and your ATS family. That is a lot of love to help you see your way through and we will be by your side every step of the way.
a reply to: DBCowboy
I don't often see eye to eye to with you and there are times I could beat your avatar to a pixellated pulp.
Despite the differences, I still see you as a decent guy and my heart goes out to you. Losing a parent is easily one of the worst things to happen to us all. They say moving house is the most stressful thing and I say they can GTFO with their BS. Losing family is the worst.
My own father is someone I admire, love and respect more than he knows. Like you say, "A hero." Good fathers are heroes and life is never the same without them. All you can do is be a hero to your own kids, support your mother and honour his legacy.
I don't often see eye to eye to with you and there are times I could beat your avatar to a pixellated pulp.
Despite the differences, I still see you as a decent guy and my heart goes out to you. Losing a parent is easily one of the worst things to happen to us all. They say moving house is the most stressful thing and I say they can GTFO with their BS. Losing family is the worst.
My own father is someone I admire, love and respect more than he knows. Like you say, "A hero." Good fathers are heroes and life is never the same without them. All you can do is be a hero to your own kids, support your mother and honour his legacy.
I'm not sure my reply will help but if anything it may make you realise that you are alone in feeling helpless or lost. As like other members who have
posted I too lost one of my parents to illness. I was 25 at the time (I'm now 33) my mother was diagnosed with bowel cancer after it was discovered
after a routine check on her kidneys but by the time they found it, it was too late to do anything.
My mother never smoked, she drank no more than the average person and in most days would walk to work, she was a keen swimmer and was actually a swimming instructor for the local schools. Due to this I could swim before I could walk to speak. She passed away at the age of 58, never got a chance to retire, yes we had plenty of good time as a family that I'm pretty sure she enjoyed. She enjoyed seeing my brothers kids grow up and was a great grand parent to them. It only took 6 months from being diagnosed to her passing. What's worse her job was a cancer admin clerk in the local hospital so she knew before even the doctors had told her how bad she was. It was tough seeing a strong fit woman become bed ridden and not being able to move. Life truely is a son of a b****
One thing I've learnt is that I don't think we truely deal with the sudden loss, the first days after her passing seemed surreal like a bad dream waiting to wake up but i never did. I've never learnt to deal with the loss but more of a case of accepting what's happened and let go of thinking you have any control over of the outcome. As humans we love to be in control and that's what I think people struggle with when they lose someone that they couldn't change the outcome.
One thing that helped me and this may seem crazy, I did this whenever I was alone, I use to talk to my mother i use to speak out loud. Bit praying or anything just talking about anything. Silly things, I'd tidy my room and say 'hey look mum look how tidy I've got it' .. or get home from work 'wow what a day I've had mum I'm glad it's over'. Don't ask me why I did this I suppose it was a way of still having that connection with her.
Sometimes I feel we have to just literally accept what's happened, accept that there was no choice in the matter, what has happened .. has happened, it's something that's out of our control. so to sum it up in my experience I've never dealt with it I have learn to accept and over time your mind and feelings become accustomed to what's happened. That being said I could spend the next 60 seconds thinking about the good times we had as a family and I'd be in a heap crying my eyes out. Which leads me to another thing .. the emotions are real never be afraid of showing or letting out a fear tears.
sorry if my reply doesn't make much sense it's hard to describe how I dealt with the loss of my mother.
My mother never smoked, she drank no more than the average person and in most days would walk to work, she was a keen swimmer and was actually a swimming instructor for the local schools. Due to this I could swim before I could walk to speak. She passed away at the age of 58, never got a chance to retire, yes we had plenty of good time as a family that I'm pretty sure she enjoyed. She enjoyed seeing my brothers kids grow up and was a great grand parent to them. It only took 6 months from being diagnosed to her passing. What's worse her job was a cancer admin clerk in the local hospital so she knew before even the doctors had told her how bad she was. It was tough seeing a strong fit woman become bed ridden and not being able to move. Life truely is a son of a b****
One thing I've learnt is that I don't think we truely deal with the sudden loss, the first days after her passing seemed surreal like a bad dream waiting to wake up but i never did. I've never learnt to deal with the loss but more of a case of accepting what's happened and let go of thinking you have any control over of the outcome. As humans we love to be in control and that's what I think people struggle with when they lose someone that they couldn't change the outcome.
One thing that helped me and this may seem crazy, I did this whenever I was alone, I use to talk to my mother i use to speak out loud. Bit praying or anything just talking about anything. Silly things, I'd tidy my room and say 'hey look mum look how tidy I've got it' .. or get home from work 'wow what a day I've had mum I'm glad it's over'. Don't ask me why I did this I suppose it was a way of still having that connection with her.
Sometimes I feel we have to just literally accept what's happened, accept that there was no choice in the matter, what has happened .. has happened, it's something that's out of our control. so to sum it up in my experience I've never dealt with it I have learn to accept and over time your mind and feelings become accustomed to what's happened. That being said I could spend the next 60 seconds thinking about the good times we had as a family and I'd be in a heap crying my eyes out. Which leads me to another thing .. the emotions are real never be afraid of showing or letting out a fear tears.
sorry if my reply doesn't make much sense it's hard to describe how I dealt with the loss of my mother.
I really have no advice but to take solace in your father was a good man and raised you right. I know he would want you to cherish your remaining time
on Earth and not dwell on his death for long.
My grandmother passed away a little over a year ago and we were very close. My parents are both approaching 70 and have been married 50 years and have done so much for me I can't count it all. They are blessed with good health so far.
I go on vacation with them a lot, I invite them to come with me and my wife on small trips. We do things together.
My advice for people in this thread who still have their parents especially if they were there for you and raised you is please spend quality time with them.
I do this as much as possible with my parents because I know none of us are promised tomorrow.
Im sorry for your loss man, live life to the fullest and spend quality time with those that you care for who are still living and know your dad would want that.
Im not looking forward to this day but I know it comes to us all.
My grandmother passed away a little over a year ago and we were very close. My parents are both approaching 70 and have been married 50 years and have done so much for me I can't count it all. They are blessed with good health so far.
I go on vacation with them a lot, I invite them to come with me and my wife on small trips. We do things together.
My advice for people in this thread who still have their parents especially if they were there for you and raised you is please spend quality time with them.
I do this as much as possible with my parents because I know none of us are promised tomorrow.
Im sorry for your loss man, live life to the fullest and spend quality time with those that you care for who are still living and know your dad would want that.
Im not looking forward to this day but I know it comes to us all.
edit on 26-9-2018 by ker2010 because: (no reason given)
a reply to: DBCowboy
I'll use a song title from my favorite band...'memory imprints never end'.
As long as you live they will never die. My parents were dead before I hit puberty so don't mope, celebrate your fathers life and accomplishments knowing that until your last breath he will never truly be dead.
I've lost so many friends and family i've lost count so i've lost my sense of grief to a certain degree, sure it sucks but remember that you spoke highly of your father, so that's a testament to his character and I'm sure he'd want you to remember the fond memories you shared.
I'll use a song title from my favorite band...'memory imprints never end'.
As long as you live they will never die. My parents were dead before I hit puberty so don't mope, celebrate your fathers life and accomplishments knowing that until your last breath he will never truly be dead.
I've lost so many friends and family i've lost count so i've lost my sense of grief to a certain degree, sure it sucks but remember that you spoke highly of your father, so that's a testament to his character and I'm sure he'd want you to remember the fond memories you shared.
a reply to: DBCowboy
I lost my dad when I was 16 (and not too different from what happened with your dad). My mother when I was 18 and my life-long best friend when I was 19. I'm 48 now and have lived all my life with them missing.
The one thing I've learned is I need to raise a glass to them and tell them I still miss them and they aren't forgotten and then I think about them. It can still make me cry too.
I'm not sure you ever really deal with it, I'm not sure you ever really heal. You just end up not thinking about it as much and over time the emotional wound isn't as raw.
You have my condolences and my sympathy, but I've seen your posts here and you're a capable person. You'll be alright.
I lost my dad when I was 16 (and not too different from what happened with your dad). My mother when I was 18 and my life-long best friend when I was 19. I'm 48 now and have lived all my life with them missing.
The one thing I've learned is I need to raise a glass to them and tell them I still miss them and they aren't forgotten and then I think about them. It can still make me cry too.
I'm not sure you ever really deal with it, I'm not sure you ever really heal. You just end up not thinking about it as much and over time the emotional wound isn't as raw.
You have my condolences and my sympathy, but I've seen your posts here and you're a capable person. You'll be alright.
originally posted by: DBCowboy
Some of you may know that my father had open heart surgery on the 11th of this month. He had a rough go in recovery but really seemed on the mend. This morning, while talking to my mother and complaining about Bill Belichick (he's a big football fan) my dad coughed twice.
Then died.
It was a massive PE. A Pulmonary embolism.
He just wasn't there any more.
I'm learning how to deal with this. 6 decades on this planet and I'm confronted by something I have no experience with.
Politics, conspiracy, drama, even the easy pickings of todays media fodder hold no interest to me.
I'm not asking for help. Bless you all, but I don't know how any of you could.
I lost a hero today.
Don't be sappy. Please. I'm a fat old man who cries enough as it is.
I hope the mods, owners just allow me to vent, maybe heal a little on these cyber pages.
Prayers to your family. Hopefully they are treated better than you did to the McCain family on here.
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