How to deal with the death of a parent

My wife's mother passed away this July at her home. It was sad and horrible. There is nothing anyone can say or do to "help" you. Platitudes are nice, but empty. The feeling of emptiness doesn't leave. The only thing the people left behind can do, is find their new normal.
Grief comes in waves and I hope your waves don't pull you under. Take care of yourself and be there for the ones you love.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I'm very sorry,
Been sitting here for quite a few minutes this morning since I came across this thread....
Trying to come up with the right words to say. Truly I don't know what to say to you, as you always have something to say( kind of course).
You've been Comedic and Serious over the years. You've been helpful to the mental faculties of others here. ( I feel taken off gaurd for you ).

I'm surprised to hear you're over 6 decades old. My father is 64 and has had his Mitral Valve replaced twice now, It beat him up good. I've thought about him not being here some day, and I usually shut down.

You have a great family including a dog from what I've read.
Most important thing to do is, be there for mom.

Told you I suck at these talks.But know We here at ATS care about you....
Except karen... but no one likes her anyway.

a reply to: Bigburgh

I can't stand Karen.

a reply to: DBCowboy

No one can😊

a reply to: DBCowboy

Yeah its hard. I'm about your age and a few years ago my dad passed. What made it harder it was sudden like yours.

No getting slowly used to it by seeing them in an old peoples home ( with its attendant issues LOL )

I guess my biggest sadness was not being there when it happened - couldn't say some of the things we left unsaid before.

He was my hero but he had his failings - very human.


This is poignant

a reply to: DBCowboy


Sorry for you loss DB.

I lost my parents in 2000 and 2001.

You said your Dad was your hero, I feel the same way.

Time seems to be the only way of dealing with it.

Sorry that I've stayed out of this thread. Not because I don't care, but because I do.

I just don't know what to say. I don't have this experience yet, but it's coming. I know that.

I still can't get past losing my grandmother.

So, I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I could say that it gets better, but I still feel a big gaping hole in my heart where grandma used to be. It's more a matter of adjusting to a new reality and not forgetting what you had and moving forward with those still there.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and PM's.

If I haven't replied to every post, trust that I did read it and appreciated it.

Grief is such a selfish thing, because we all think that something like this has never happened to anyone else ever. We feel so alone in our grief.

And so many have suffered more or even worse.

And have survived.

I appreciate the help in putting things in perspective. It does not alleviate the pain, but it helps define it.

And if it can be identified, it can be acknowledged and handled.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I am sorry DBCowboy... I know that pain and I know the what the "loss of the real HERO" feels like too my man.

I know it sounds trite, but, trying to focus on the good times of his life with you and your family really does help.

Bless you and your family sir.

Mark

a reply to: Springer

We're already laughing a bit.

My fathers last words were, "Bill Belichick was a candy ass."

Not something you want on a memorial.


But thank you for the thoughts. It is greatly appreciated.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I just want to be half the man my father was.

I am an empath. He was proud of you. You are more than he is, and more than he hoped for.

originally posted by: argentus
a reply to: DBCowboy

I just want to be half the man my father was.

I am an empath. He was proud of you. You are more than he is, and more than he hoped for.

Aww sh#t.

There goes the water works again.

Dammit.

a reply to: DBCowboy

So sorry to hear about your loss DBC.

He sounds like a great man and more importantly a loved man.

a reply to: Blaine91555

Better than that, he was a good man.

A real role model.

a reply to: DBCowboy

You can't ask for more than that in a father.

a reply to: DBCowboy

Some of us can only wish we had a father worthy of such appreciation.

This thread is proof that you don't need to grieve alone.

I’m sorry DBC. Wish I had some sage thoughts or a road map to share, as our extended family is dealing with this as well, twice even. But, I do think you are already armed with everything you need to forge through this difficult time - a boundless sense of humor and an optimistic outlook. Priceless qualities you no doubt got, at least in part, from your Dad.

I’ll send up a prayer for you and your family.

a reply to: JinMI



"Grief shared is grief diminished."
-Someone wise

a reply to: kosmicjack

My dad would want us to laugh.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Some of you may know that my father had open heart surgery on the 11th of this month. He had a rough go in recovery but really seemed on the mend. This morning, while talking to my mother and complaining about Bill Belichick (he's a big football fan) my dad coughed twice.

Then died.


It was a massive PE. A Pulmonary embolism.

He just wasn't there any more.

I'm learning how to deal with this. 6 decades on this planet and I'm confronted by something I have no experience with.

Politics, conspiracy, drama, even the easy pickings of todays media fodder hold no interest to me.

I'm not asking for help. Bless you all, but I don't know how any of you could.

I lost a hero today.

Don't be sappy. Please. I'm a fat old man who cries enough as it is.

I hope the mods, owners just allow me to vent, maybe heal a little on these cyber pages.

During the recession (plus a divorce) I went completely broke and actually moved in with my folks.
6 months later my Dad got lung cancer and 3 weeks later he died in the hospital after the biopsy because his heart was weak.
Within a few weeks my Moms pet dog had to be put down then about 1 months later her cat dies in her arms of brain cancer.
She was already symptomatic of what would be diagnosed 2 months later as brain cancer. 4 months later she passed in a hospice.

It was a hard lesson in how #ty reality can be. Eventually you learn to get back to your routine but I often have grief and anger at what my Mom had to endure. You just make the best of what you have but it always sucks a little.
The extreme grief dies down. I have dreams they are in all the time and always wake up upset.

Working out helps deal with bad emotions. So does Ativan if I'm being honest. If you take a benzo every day however you will become an addict and benzo addiction is horrible. I keep it to once a week. Drugs are not the answer. But to me 100% sobriety is not something I care about either.