How to deal with the death of a parent

Some of you may know that my father had open heart surgery on the 11th of this month. He had a rough go in recovery but really seemed on the mend. This morning, while talking to my mother and complaining about Bill Belichick (he's a big football fan) my dad coughed twice.

Then died.


It was a massive PE. A Pulmonary embolism.

He just wasn't there any more.

I'm learning how to deal with this. 6 decades on this planet and I'm confronted by something I have no experience with.

Politics, conspiracy, drama, even the easy pickings of todays media fodder hold no interest to me.

I'm not asking for help. Bless you all, but I don't know how any of you could.

I lost a hero today.

Don't be sappy. Please. I'm a fat old man who cries enough as it is.

I hope the mods, owners just allow me to vent, maybe heal a little on these cyber pages.

It’s really hard, I lost my dad before my 9th birthday and to be honest your life will never be the same. I don’t know how old your dad was, but be grateful he lived as long as he did and remember all of the lessons he taught you. That’s about all I have, RIP to your dad and I hope you find some comfort and start to heal.

a reply to: avgguy

He was 80, but a strong man.


Thank you. It must be tougher at such a young age.


I'm sorry.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I'm so sorry, DB. I wish I had something to say that actually would help, but I don't. I've not experienced it and, honestly, it's one of the few things in this life which I actually fear because I have no idea how to cope with it.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have my most sincere condolences.

Another old fat guy here who has lost his wife and her parents in the past four year.

Losing those close to you is one of the hardest things there is that no one can prepare you for.

Enough from me for now before I venture into sappyland.

a reply to: DBCowboy

It's one of the harsh realities of life that a good majority of people have to live with. And I dread it to be honest.
My condolences.

Sorry DB. But I can't relate to your feelings. My dad passed 15 years ago but we were never close. Cherish the time you and he had and remember the good times.

a reply to: burdman30ott6

As a parent I hope to die before my kids, but I rarely think about what my kids would be going through.

It's impossible to imagine.

DB, Your Dad was lucid. He went quickly. Count these as blessings. It's a lot worse if your parent declines slowly and takes ten years to die. I hope I go the way your Dad did. Sorry. I lost my Mom, my Dad, my brother, and my wife. It's never easy.

I'm sorry for your lost

I have a bit of experience as well, lost my dad when I was 8 then my grandfather became my dad and I called him dad until he also passed away

I don't think you ever let go but just start to live a different situation, it becomes part of the new life. and I don't think it can be overcome, it just forms a part of you from then on and changes you, but have to stay strong and remember and be proud and then you feel better and happy to have been part of their lives

I don't know how to explain well, sorry

a reply to: schuyler

Thank you. No it isn't easy. But no one ever guaranteed life was.


Guess I'm just finding my way to deal with it.

Christ. I wish there was a formula, an equation, a series of steps and tasks to do in order to deal with it.

Where's the solution?

a reply to: DBCowboy

Sorry for your loss. I tried to prepare for my parents death by reading accounts of near death experiences
It helped me tremendously. I have been reading about and watching videos about near death experiences a lot lately, due to my poor health from Lyme disease. Not everyone's experience is the same, but most people who do, don't want to come back to this physical life
May peace be with you.

a reply to: DBCowboy

I'm truly sorry, my friend.

I won't get sappy...promise. It helps if you remember the good times.

a reply to: DBCowboy

My Dad is dying of cancer now.. its a hollow space, or feeling as he slips away. Part for me, part for him...my codolences friend.

My sympathies go out to you & yours. Lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in 2007 & my mom of end stage lung disease in 2012…..After my mom died & I realized both my parents were gone, I've never felt so alone. I was in my late late 40's and felt so alone it hurt. The two humans that were responsible for my life were gone. It was a sobering feeling. It was the day I grew up.

I’m sorry.

Time is the solution my friend. Time.a reply to: DBCowboy

Give yourself as much time as needed to grieve at this stage. Know that grieving steps come differently to each person. It's something you live with, but for some, never really get over.

Keep them alive by their memory, fulfill some of their bucket list/plans they had but never went through with, celebrate their birthdays(and special days/holidays) and sometimes recognize the day of their passing, etc. That has always helped me--lost a parent as a teenager, you find what helps you along the way. Most of all don't be ashamed to seek help--I know times I did and holding it never helped me, asking the site was a positive step.

Steps of grief

DBC? Sorry for your loss. No mere words can comfort...

Dad's doctor asked me if I wanted to tell him the news in CICU....alone.

I said "Dad? I got good news and bad news". For 1, you need a complete heart transplant. He looked at me knowing I wouldn't be kidding...."2? You can't survive the surgery".

A few more weeks...and then he was gone. I think of him everyday.

We're born, we live, try to instill goodness in our kids, and then we're gone...Gone, but never forgotten.

Don't think of him as gone....but just "away" for awhile, for you will meet again. (That thought left in a letter for me to find after mom passed)

God Bless.