Any Advice for Helping an Alcoholic?

My son's 30-something-year-old best friend is an alcoholic who has hit rock bottom and I have to try and help him. A couple weeks ago his dad found him passed out in bed, emaciated and dehydrated. Dad took him to emergency and was hospitalized for three days.

He is living with his parents right now, who are basically enabling him, but demanding/expecting nothing from him. His mother has cerebral palsy and her condition has degenerated to the point she's pretty much bedridden. She really can't do much. But his dad is just giving him "spending" money that he of course spends on alcohol. He has two daughters that are completely estranged from him, and for good reason. His now ex-wife has been a Godsend for their daughter, and his daughter from a previous relationship. His mother is Navajo, so there is probably a genetic factor at play here with the alcoholism.

He has also known great tragedy, which is what started him drinking. His first born, a son, was born with a brain tumor. The baby only lived three days, which was a wonder in and of itself, and as I understand it provided much valuable information about the little understood condition for further medical research. His own mother was not able to come to the hospital, so I pretty much stepped into the role and stayed by his side for those heart-wrenching days and until his wife could come home again. It wasn't anything new though. I've been his "second" mom since he was 5 years old.

I have done my research about alcoholism and how to help and how to approach him, including formal interventions. I've found alcohol treatment centers close to his home, and his town offers low-cost individual and family counseling. My basic approach to this is that his girls need their daddy, he needs his girls, he can do better, he has done better, and he can be that man -- and father -- again.

I think I can help him. I hope and pray that I can help him. Anyone have any words of wisdom for me? Anything I can or should do to prepare myself for this battle? Anything at all will be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks much in advance.

a reply to: Boadicea

The first thing you need to do is understand he will only change if he wants to.

The second thing is pulling the plug on drinking immediately can kill an individual.

Other than that it's about weaning off, and changing lifestyle.

I wish I had more to say. But I'm not licensed in medicine.

a reply to: Boadicea


If he wants to stop, he will stop. Encouragement goes along way. Good luck to you in this endeavor. It allows me to see who you really are. A beautiful person.

originally posted by: Boadicea
My son's 30-something-year-old best friend is an alcoholic who has hit rock bottom and I have to try and help him. A couple weeks ago his dad found him passed out in bed, emaciated and dehydrated. Dad took him to emergency and was hospitalized for three days.

He is living with his parents right now, who are basically enabling him, but demanding/expecting nothing from him. His mother has cerebral palsy and her condition has degenerated to the point she's pretty much bedridden. She really can't do much. But his dad is just giving him "spending" money that he of course spends on alcohol. He has two daughters that are completely estranged from him, and for good reason. His now ex-wife has been a Godsend for their daughter, and his daughter from a previous relationship. His mother is Navajo, so there is probably a genetic factor at play here with the alcoholism.

He has also known great tragedy, which is what started him drinking. His first born, a son, was born with a brain tumor. The baby only lived three days, which was a wonder in and of itself, and as I understand it provided much valuable information about the little understood condition for further medical research. His own mother was not able to come to the hospital, so I pretty much stepped into the role and stayed by his side for those heart-wrenching days and until his wife could come home again. It wasn't anything new though. I've been his "second" mom since he was 5 years old.

I have done my research about alcoholism and how to help and how to approach him, including formal interventions. I've found alcohol treatment centers close to his home, and his town offers low-cost individual and family counseling. My basic approach to this is that his girls need their daddy, he needs his girls, he can do better, he has done better, and he can be that man -- and father -- again.

I think I can help him. I hope and pray that I can help him. Anyone have any words of wisdom for me? Anything I can or should do to prepare myself for this battle? Anything at all will be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks much in advance.

30 years sober here, and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

First off, obviously, I am in no position to diagnose ANYONE as alcoholic... and there is the first piece of advice I can give you. You making the diagnosis of him being alcoholic, is an actual obstacle to his own admission of alcoholism.

Now, he may ALREADY believe he is alcoholic... but may be without hope, and doesn't want to do anything about it. I can tell you, also, if he is a real alcoholic (and from your cursory description, odds are pretty good he is), the number of real alcoholics that actually sober up and stay sober over and indeterminate span of time is pretty darn low.

Don't get your hopes to high... and don't sacrifice too much of your own or your families health and well being, chasing him and trying to get him to do what YOU think he should do.

In your city, find out about AA meetings, and then see if you can find an AA meeting that is structured, enthusiastic, encourages sponsorship... and works actively out of AA's textbook for recovery from Alcoholism, "Alcoholics Anonymous".

The organization ended up named after the name of the textbook. And for good reason... it's a powerful toolkit for alcoholics of the hopeless variety.

If he really is alcoholic, alcohol is not actually his problem. Being sober is his problem... he can't stand being sober, and can't stand to live in his own skin sober... and drinks because it is the only way he feels relief for the condition called "sober".

Alcoholism is a spiritual malady, in fact. Alkies apply alcohol to the problem, and it works great for awhile. But eventually the avoidance and running from problems builds up such a mountain of total problems, that the alcoholic is crushed under the weight of the mess they have made of their lives.

Please... feel free to PM me... I would be more than happy to help in any way that I can.

What city are you/your friend in?

originally posted by: randomtangentsrme
a reply to: Boadicea

The first thing you need to do is understand he will only change if he wants to.

I'm pretty sure he does want to and either doesn't know how or just doesn't have it in him to take those first steps. He told my son that he's "broken" and he can't help himself... that he's tried. My son came to me.

The second thing is pulling the plug on drinking immediately can kill an individual.

Other than that it's about weaning off, and changing lifestyle.

I have read that. It seems especially true in the case of Native American alcoholism, but I'm not sure why. I've just seen it noted. This is one of the reasons I've looked for professional help for him before approaching him. I want to do this right from the start. It may be his only hope.

I wish I had more to say. But I'm not licensed in medicine.

This is a lot -- thank you!

...and as someone else said... bless you for wanting to help. You might be able to make the difference... time will tell.

Also as someone said, he can and might get better, if he really wants to. If not, it is a steep uphill battle.

And it is true, cold turkey off of narcotics is a cakewalk, compared to coming off alcohol. Opiate withdrawal is rarely lethal... alcohol withdrawal is often life threatening. If he is in really bad shape, he will need to wean off... and doing so under some level of medical supervision is a good idea.

originally posted by: highvein
a reply to: Boadicea


If he wants to stop, he will stop. Encouragement goes along way.

And love, right? He's a good guy with a good heart. I can give him that in abundance!

Good luck to you in this endeavor. It allows me to see who you really are. A beautiful person.

Thank you, and I appreciate it, but don't give me too much credit. I wish I had seen it coming and could have helped him before it got this far.

a reply to: Boadicea

Just be there for him more than anything. Offer love and emotional support, and gently make him think about what he is doing and how it affects others.

You don't own the problem, only he does. You are an awesome person for anything you invest in the problem. Our crazy world needs more of this.

a reply to: Boadicea


Life can bring grief on many levels. It is just nice to see someone willing to help another in need. That is the greatest love one can show.

Depending on your location... there may be low/no cost options for supervised detox.

FWIW, Native American alcoholism is a misnomer. There are higher levels of alcoholism in the native community... but it's not a strictly genetic condition... it's more of an is/isn't thing, based on that persons reaction to the consumption of alcohol.

Kinda like pregnancy... it's an is/isn't kinda thing. There IS a progression to it though... and your sons friend sounds like he's in very rough shape in his life.

These folks help educate the family and friends of alcoholics and addicts... check out their website, and check out the "Friends and Families" section, should also be links to help you find support in your area.

Of course also, at your service to help in whatever way I am able.

Good luck!

www.ncadd.org...

a reply to: dasman888

Wow! That's some FANTASTIC advice for the OP right there!!

Especially the part about alcohol not being the problem, but rather fearing the thought of being sober being the problem. I don't think many understand this.

Great input!

a reply to: dasman888

30 years sober here, and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Congratulations on your sobriety. I wish you the brightest of blessings!

First off, obviously, I am in no position to diagnose ANYONE as alcoholic... and there is the first piece of advice I can give you. You making the diagnosis of him being alcoholic, is an actual obstacle to his own admission of alcoholism.

That's an excellent point and excellent advice. He does know and acknowledge he has a problem -- he told my son he's "broken." But I will keep this in mind at all times. I must let him own this. I can only assist him in the journey.

In your city, find out about AA meetings, and then see if you can find an AA meeting that is structured, enthusiastic, encourages sponsorship... and works actively out of AA's textbook for recovery from Alcoholism, "Alcoholics Anonymous".

I will do that.

If he really is alcoholic, alcohol is not actually his problem. Being sober is his problem... he can't stand being sober, and can't stand to live in his own skin sober... and drinks because it is the only way he feels relief for the condition called "sober".

Alcoholism is a spiritual malady, in fact. Alkies apply alcohol to the problem, and it works great for awhile. But eventually the avoidance and running from problems builds up such a mountain of total problems, that the alcoholic is crushed under the weight of the mess they have made of their lives.

Wow. That is so very profound. My mind is spiraling now. I needed to know this -- thank you.

Please... feel free to PM me... I would be more than happy to help in any way that I can.

What city are you/your friend in?

Thank you so very much for the offer. I will do that -- and promise not to abuse the privilege. Thank you so very much for sharing all this.

originally posted by: Boadicea

originally posted by: highvein
a reply to: Boadicea


If he wants to stop, he will stop. Encouragement goes along way.

And love, right? He's a good guy with a good heart. I can give him that in abundance!

Good luck to you in this endeavor. It allows me to see who you really are. A beautiful person.

Thank you, and I appreciate it, but don't give me too much credit. I wish I had seen it coming and could have helped him before it got this far.

Well, you want to help now. The best time to plant a tree now, is now.

Someone with a really serious problem will usually work pretty hard to conceal it. By the time it is obvious, it is usually well underway.

I have to say this... you can take it or leave it... but pray for the guy, to whatever you think might be operative in this fantastic cooperative universe. Pray for him.

I will... I hope others here do as well.

a reply to: Boadicea

MAJOR Kudos to you for helping your friend!! You are true friend indeed.

As others have noted, he will need to want to change, otherwise nobody will be able to help him. Just remember this.

Wishing you AND YOUR FRIEND the BEST

a reply to: Boadicea

Celery steamed and eaten or eat it raw with some cheese helps addictions.

originally posted by: Illumimasontruth
a reply to: Boadicea

Just be there for him more than anything. Offer love and emotional support, and gently make him think about what he is doing and how it affects others.

Thank you. I can do that. He's been like a son to us for almost 30 years. Maybe that will help. I can be tough and still love him just like a mom. I'm hoping that as someone who knows the good, the bad, and the ugly, but loves him anyway, that I can give him some feeling of... I'm not sure what... confidence? security? Whatever he needs to know that he's worth fixing.

You don't own the problem, only he does. You are an awesome person for anything you invest in the problem. Our crazy world needs more of this.

Thank you. I so appreciate that. I know I can't do it for him, but I can let him know that I will do it with him.

a reply to: dasman888

I have to say this... you can take it or leave it... but pray for the guy, to whatever you think might be operative in this fantastic cooperative universe. Pray for him. I will... I hope others here do as well.

Great advice, and I would be happy to join you in that prayer for him.

OP, let me say that I admire you for wanting to help someone who is masking a lot of pain with alcohol. I have no great advice, except to love him unconditionally, which I’m sure you already do.

My father was an alcoholic, and at the age of 35 , with the help of AA and it’s community,quit for good. He ended up going back to school and working in alcohol and drug rehabilitation . Don’t give up, and never say never.

originally posted by: highvein
a reply to: Boadicea


Life can bring grief on many levels. It is just nice to see someone willing to help another in need. That is the greatest love one can show.

Sometimes we all need to lean on someone, to draw from their strength and love and faith. And the best thing about love is that it replenishes itself!

The fact he can ADMIT he is broken... is a huge blessing.

When real alcoholics show up to AA, and they have finally been beaten down hard enough to admit they are powerless, on their own, against their alcoholism... they have, what folks in my circle call, "the gift of desperation".

And it REALLY CAN be an extraordinary gift.

I will also tell you this... the AA Program, as it was originally articulated in the textbook I mentioned, is VERY VERY POWERFUL. If someone has had enough, and is willing to do the work... they WILL get better.

It's very very simple... and anyone can do it. It is not easy though. It is some hard work... but work worth doing, especially when you do enough to see the glimpse of what is possible. It WORKS. And new folks need only look around the room at other hopeless alkies, some, who maybe were even WORSE off than they were... and they are SOBER NOW.

It's a powerful thing.

Oh... and thanks... I just stayed... and didn't freak out or twist off when things got rough in life. My time sober is totally a testament to AA itself, and the grace of a power that expresses itself through AA's program.

I am full on blessed FAR beyond merit, I assure you ;-)

a reply to: dasman888

Well, you want to help now. The best time to plant a tree now, is now.

Someone with a really serious problem will usually work pretty hard to conceal it. By the time it is obvious, it is usually well underway.

I think you're right about this. I spent quite a bit of time with him in the weeks leading up to my son's wedding, and never saw a problem. But apparently he was on his best behavior for those occasions, although it was a problem then too. I just didn't see it.

I have to say this... you can take it or leave it... but pray for the guy, to whatever you think might be operative in this fantastic cooperative universe. Pray for him.

I will... I hope others here do as well.

That may be the greatest gift of all for him. I am a woman of strong faith. I am and will continue praying for him. And me so that I can do my best. Heaven knows what he needs better than I... and Heaven knows the best way I can help. I pray for the eyes to see and the ears to listen for Heaven's guidance...