Horrible Advice

a reply to: ketsuko
I'm going to look that up. It sounds funny.

Always make sure you bring your car into my garage in the spring for a headlight fluid change and a winter air to summer air tire inflation. I run a special for the first week of spring, only $29.99 for both.

Sugar in your gas tank makes a pleasant scent for the person driving behind you, thus preventing road rage.

Always add coolant to the valve with the cap labeled "710."

If you live near me, bring your car on in and mention ATS for a 10% discount.

a reply to: Magnivea
That was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

A train is comming fast and you need to pass to the other side? Is there a super dangerous Clift around? Does that 2 meter bear running towards you looks angry and hungry? In pamplona and a bunch of people running from some angry bulls? Don't miss the chance of taking the selfie of your life!

I don't think anyone has gotten that planking shot over a lava flow yet. You could be the first!

a reply to: Skid Mark

Tough cleaning job? Combine the time-tested powers of ammonia and bleach. Be sure to close any windows: drafts will diminish the efficacy of the mixture.

a reply to: Indigent
There's nothing like a selfie in a dangerous situation to get the heart pumping.

a reply to: ketsuko
Don't forget that you won't sink while walking on lava. It's too thick.

a reply to: MiddleInitial
That's a good way to clear your sinuses. Thanks for contributing.

a reply to: Skid Mark

Have you considered turning unbearable pain into extra dollars?

You can microwave those glass ball christmas decorations for that extra festive sparkle.

A little fluroantimonic acid mixed into hair shampoo is guaranteed to alleviate dandruff.

No-one will ever find you if you play hide and seek in a compactor at a car yard.

a reply to: chr0naut
Those were great. Thanks for the laugh. I keep imagining one of those ornaments in a microwave and some crazy part of me wants to try it.

a reply to: Skid Mark

Make sure to wrap your food in alumimum foil before microwaving.

Spike all the drinks at a kids party without telling anyone.

When decorating the christmas tree, make sure you over load all the sockets you can. The more lights the merrier.

Computer running slowly? It will help to wipe the entire drive clean and earase everything.

Leave up the nudy website when you leave your desk at work for break. Your boss will sure love to see the naked women/men you found.

Make sure to put catnip on your husbands bare chest as he is sleeping.

When driving make sure to slam your breaks when a tractor trailer is tale gating you.

When playing the new pokemon go game make sure you do not pay attention to your sourroundings or where you are actually going.

Let the kid put the knife in the socket, he will learn his lesson.

Make sure to play baseball in your small back yard with the batter facing all the windows.

If your are having a small but controllable fire, say in a fryer in the kitchen, use either petrol or water to douse the flames. The resultant explosion and massive increase in damage will ensure a more rapid deployment of the emergency services, allowing you to sit down and watch TV in an appropriately isolated room instead of inhaling smoke and other noxious fumes.

Always invite elderly relatives to your house during icy weather. Prepare your front drive adequately the night before with warm water and the resulting falls and breaking of limbs is sure to keep the children entertained, especially during the Christmas holidays, when there is no school.

When preparing a Sunday lunch, ensure you have enough mashed potato for any extra guests by adding half a bag of sand.

Double win: Sand has no calorific value!

When pulled over for speeding by the police and subsequently asked, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?', reply with a matter of factly stated, 'Because I let you.'

a reply to: Quantum12

Lol... you were cuckold'd

a reply to: Mystery_Lady
Enjoy the light show while microwaving lol. Thank you.

a reply to: Jonjonj
If you're going to mess things up, go big. The other ones you put on were funny, too. Sand has no caloric value lol.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus
Officers love that one. It shows them that you have a sense of humor.

This is not mine, but one I found amusing. . . .

When a cop pulls you over and says, "Papers", just say, "Scizzors, I win!"

a reply to: DBCowboy
That's funny. I wonder how that would go over.

When considering buying a pet, always think about other options too: A carrot can be as much fun as a kitten, under the right circumstances.

Never leave home without a steak in your pocket: It can be used to entice very big, angry dogs; Having blood-stained pockets is a positive deterrent in some areas; You will instantly be invited to any barbecues you may encounter on your travels.

Go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, and have children.

Luckily I knew how stupid that advice was before I committed to anything.