Horrible Advice

a reply to: ketsuko
That would suck. That mean bee.

a reply to: DBCowboy
Thank you. Running with scissors on a cluttered floor is good too.

a reply to: visitedbythem
That last one was truly horrible lol. I can imagine the screams.

Always microwave condoms immediately before use.

Use lead paint and asbestos when decorating your home.

Before ordering your food at a restaurant, inform the server that they will not be receiving a tip. Im not sure what it is, but my food is always more 'exotic' tasting when I say I don't tip.

When driving, it's perfectly fine to swerve into animals you dislike. Mainly opossums and raccoons (mischievous bastards). Avoid the cute fluffy ones though...

On a first date, always 'forget' your wallet. This way you can weed out poor people, and you'll save yourself the horror of walking into their home that smells of cat piss and has 2 rusted out 1992 Buick regals in the front lawn for 'decoration'.

DON'T stay out of dark alleys. You might just meet your new best friend down there!

a reply to: Skid Mark

She isn't in the right time of her "cycle" to get pregnant.

Loan your sister the money.

The boss asked what you REALLY thought, so go ahead, he wants you feedback.

when signing your traffic citation, ask the officer to hold your beer so you don't slosh it on the paperwork.

While on a date, its a good idea to ask your date about all her physical imperfections. Its therapeutic to talk about those things, and it will give her a chance to talk about herself a little. Chicks dig that kind of stuff.

They also like it when you pull over randomly to make out. It lets them know you really like them.

a reply to: DBCowboy
That made me laugh. I can just imagine the mess a microwaved condom would make.

a reply to: seaswine
Also don't forget to insult your waiter's hair, or lack thereof.
Thank you for contributing. Those were pretty bad lol.

When at a job interview, always make sure that you use as many expletives and racial slurs as you can think of. It shows the interviewer how much you value diversity and how large your vocabulary is.

On dating. . . . .

Those 3 little words a woman always wants to hear on a first date.


"Pull My Finger"

a reply to: seasonal
Those were good ones. I especially liked that last one.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan
Cops love it when you're considerate like that.

a reply to: ketsuko
Don't forget to dress trashy. No reason. Potential bosses love it though.

a reply to: DBCowboy
They love it when you follow through at close range.

Always tell your wife the those jeans make her ass look fat.


And her ass makes her ass look fat.


And you're banging her best friend Becky.

Whenever you have a kid and you aren't sure how the father is ... always contact the Maury Povich show. Getting them to haul him in and do the DNA test so you can have the results revealed in front of a live TV audience will lend an air of dignity to the proceedings.

Tequila shots when baby-sitting.

It keeps the kids quiet and. . . . . . what was I saying?

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus
Honesty is always the best policy in those situations.

a reply to: ketsuko
Maury always adds a touch of class.

a reply to: DBCowboy
That reminds me of my dad. My brother and I wouldn't settle down so he gave us beer.

a reply to: Skid Mark

Always Run from an Overweight Cop, He's More Likely to Shoot Than Chase You

When it's your buddy's turn to make the food run at the weekly RPG session and he trusts the table to run his character in his brief absence, the very best thing to do is to immediately loot his PC for all usable/sellable gear and then send his PC's naked butt into every dangerous situation first to make sure there are no lethal traps that could endanger everyone else's characters.

After all, your buddy is generous and you know he wouldn't want anyone's characters to get hurt.

One should read and post on ATS daily, it is good for their mental health.

a reply to: Quantum12
You can always throw donuts at them to distract them.

a reply to: ketsuko
That's dirty! Have you ever done it?

a reply to: zazzafrazz
Skunk Works and The Gray Area are especially good.

Be sure and congratulate your new boss on her pregnancy-even though she's just fat.

a reply to: Skid Mark

No, it was from a comic book called Knights of the Dinner Table. The table did it to their only girl member. The table's rules lawyer realized she was playing a barbarian and that less armor the barbarian wore, the higher certain of her stat bonuses got. Things got out of control, and when she got back, Sarah was out of a character and not happy. She spent several issues after that taking full revenge on the guys, but it was a sweet one.

a reply to: Justso
That one made me chuckle. Thank you.