Addiction and Withdrawal. A special kind of Demon

This has been one of those weeks, I mean hell it's been one of those years, but the sleep issues are wrecking me right now. I'll always have my concentration and focus, but being able to feel happiness or make any gains in physical training is not happening while my sleep is so poor. No matter what I try, I'm managing 2-5 hours most nights. That works until it doesn't, and it sure as hell would be nice to make it up like I recall doing in youth, or hear of other people. That hasn't happened to me in a very long time. No matter miss sleep a whole night, patterns for last few weeks, still with the 2-5, and it's showing with the bags under my eyes, and aging face. I swear have aged more in the last 19 months than the previous decade. I looked 18 until about 25, and 22 until 30. Now at 32 I don't even know what to gauge it as, maybe 34 or something. If this insomnia doesn't get dealt with within a year, I'm going back in it, because this seems to be killing me just to prove to myself I can go sober and "get my life on track". On track for what, an early death? Not making much sense to me these last few days.

a reply to: GoShredAK
Thanks for sharing what you have gone through and are going through now.
I am legally prescribed Xanax and have been since I was 18. I was only off of them for a brief time while I was in hospital and on other meds and then I got back on them in 2008 of November. I am now 31 and I still am legally prescribed them.

At the start of this year I decided I needed to really buckle down and wean myself off of them because I didn't want to have to be dependent upon a chemical for the rest of my life. I talked with my doctor and he agreed that I should but still gave me the same amount. He said that new studies are linking long term Xanax use to early dementia and Alzheimer's disease. That's quite scary. I've been doing good but some days I just take what is prescribed and sometimes more. Which is not helping in my weaning process.

My therapist said I would need to do this gradually as to not suffer any seizures. She said I should ask for help from my hubby and let him give me my dose each day and take less each month and go from there. I have a problem doing that. It's like I want control over it and so I try myself but then mess up.

I also have a problem with alcohol. My mom died from alcoholism just four years ago and for the life of me I can't just stop for the sake of her. I don't drink durin day but I do have at least one drink nightly. I don't know if that's considered a problem but in my eyes I guess it is. I shouldn't need it at all. It's just a poison. And it led to my mothers passing. It seems my head and heart would be spiteful against alcohol but it's not.

I'm glad to read you are not doing either anymore and that's just great. Good luck to you and much peace flowing your way..wherever you are
-nat

originally posted by: pl3bscheese
This has been one of those weeks, I mean hell it's been one of those years, but the sleep issues are wrecking me right now. I'll always have my concentration and focus, but being able to feel happiness or make any gains in physical training is not happening while my sleep is so poor. No matter what I try, I'm managing 2-5 hours most nights. That works until it doesn't, and it sure as hell would be nice to make it up like I recall doing in youth, or hear of other people. That hasn't happened to me in a very long time. No matter miss sleep a whole night, patterns for last few weeks, still with the 2-5, and it's showing with the bags under my eyes, and aging face. I swear have aged more in the last 19 months than the previous decade. I looked 18 until about 25, and 22 until 30. Now at 32 I don't even know what to gauge it as, maybe 34 or something. If this insomnia doesn't get dealt with within a year, I'm going back in it, because this seems to be killing me just to prove to myself I can go sober and "get my life on track". On track for what, an early death? Not making much sense to me these last few days.

Gosh, I'm so sorry, I feel strongly for you.

I'm in absolute misery when I can't sleep especially when I know I have responsibilities the next day. Or just that feeling of being unable control or settle your thoughts. No comfort, feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, knowing the morning is drawing ever nearer and you still have gotten any rest. (That's how my bouts of insomnia feel anyway)

Also I feel I can relate because shortly after finally quitting alcohol 100%, my anxiety disorder made a pretty strong reemergance. My blood pressure would get really high to the point where I would get headaches, ringing ears and the veins bulging out in my temples.

So at that point I feel I was dying faster via all that stress, then I would be taking benzos regularly. At first it worked great, my blood pressure went back to a very healthy number, no more headaches, scary bulging vens or ringing ears, and a lot of my worries melted away.

My problem however is finding the balance. Every time I loose control, express a weak will, and start taking too many too often.

Now here I sit just a little to deep once again, and no doubt have some painful detoxing to go through.

There was a point (at least a solid 2 years) when I was 100% pharmacutical/illegal drug free, and at the same time had healthy blood pressure, I was lean and strong, and my anxiety and panic disorder was basically defeated, or at least tamed and lying dormant.

I achieved that state by successfully detoxing 100%, eating a mostly vegan plant based and raw, totally non-junk-food diet, and exercising for at least a half an hour every morning, as well as partaking in all my favorite athletic activities as often as humanly possible.

All that, plus I became very much into the power of our minds/thoughts, the power of positive thinking, synchronicity, chakras, the law of attraction, ect ect......new age type stuff I guess one could say. I was doing great! And I still believe that I actually was creating my own reality in a way.

Not sure what happened but I lost much of that spiritual and physical health as I once again delved into my bad habits. (I actually have that turning point documented here on ATS on one of my threads about some crystals I brought home that led some problems it seemed) I'll link the thread in a minute......here it is

www.abovetopsecret.com...

. A few of my turning points and struggles I have shared here.

I don't know maybe I screwed up and brought a negative attachment upon myself, or also very possible, I'm an idiot who made some poor decisions.....again

Lately I've been getting better, we just moved to a new place which is much nicer, I'm making good progress on starting a good career.

Most Importantly, I have quit drinking (not a drop in over five weeks now) I'll never go back either, alcohol no longer appeals to me in the slightest and I love how I feel without it.

Also very Important, I have a strong desire and motivation to quit everything else as well. It's challenging, but I want it bad, I want my old strong, spiritual, drug free self back, and there are people in this world that need that from me.........

I've got work to do, mainly just tapering off benzos and learning to actually use them correctly, not abuse them. I'm not in nearly as deep as some other poor souls, so shouldn't complain and it should be relatively easy.

As for the updates I promised, I still haven't cut down, I started the taper, had a stressful day and took twice as many as I should have. So tomorrow is my new day one......

originally posted by: natalia
a reply to: GoShredAK
Thanks for sharing what you have gone through and are going through now.
I am legally prescribed Xanax and have been since I was 18. I was only off of them for a brief time while I was in hospital and on other meds and then I got back on them in 2008 of November. I am now 31 and I still am legally prescribed them.

At the start of this year I decided I needed to really buckle down and wean myself off of them because I didn't want to have to be dependent upon a chemical for the rest of my life. I talked with my doctor and he agreed that I should but still gave me the same amount. He said that new studies are linking long term Xanax use to early dementia and Alzheimer's disease. That's quite scary. I've been doing good but some days I just take what is prescribed and sometimes more. Which is not helping in my weaning process.

My therapist said I would need to do this gradually as to not suffer any seizures. She said I should ask for help from my hubby and let him give me my dose each day and take less each month and go from there. I have a problem doing that. It's like I want control over it and so I try myself but then mess up.

I also have a problem with alcohol. My mom died from alcoholism just four years ago and for the life of me I can't just stop for the sake of her. I don't drink durin day but I do have at least one drink nightly. I don't know if that's considered a problem but in my eyes I guess it is. I shouldn't need it at all. It's just a poison. And it led to my mothers passing. It seems my head and heart would be spiteful against alcohol but it's not.

I'm glad to read you are not doing either anymore and that's just great. Good luck to you and much peace flowing your way..wherever you are
-nat

Thank you so much for sharing your experience it's a kind of mini hell that only a select few of us know feels like.

I cant imagine being on them that long, You are absolutely in my prayers, and I'm sending positive vibes your way you feel them? Lol.

My problem was/is that I'll take waaaaay more than I'm supposed to, usually in combination with something else, then before I know it I have been on extra high dosages for too many days in a row and have a really hard time quitting because I hate the withdrawals, and am frankly terrified of having a seizure.

I know how brutally miserable a need for Xanax, or need to get off of Xanax can be. It just totally sucks

Please always remember the importance of weaning off very gradually. There's nothing wrong with taking your time, and no need to make yourself suffer when you don't have to.

On the amnesia and dementia risk, I believe that to be true alright.........I had a moment when I was stuck on the xanis pretty bad and I remember walking to the fridge one night before heading off to bed.........I opened the door and just stood there staring, I had no idea why I was there, or what to grab, I just stood there for what seemed like a very long time trying to figure out what the heck I was doing. It was a very odd feeling, like my mind just shut off and I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

Kinda tough to describe, it has not happened since, but it sure freaked me out.

Thanks for your kind words, it means so much to me, I don't think kind ATSers quite realize.

You're right, I officially quit drinking, and I feel very strongly that I'm truly done forever. I was bad, I've drank during the day many times. My weakness to Alcohol very nearly destroyed my marriage (which I value beyond words) I wrecked my step-brothers truck so catastrophically it was insane. I was ejected from the passenger window, knocked unconscious, and woke up about 50 feet further than the newly mangled truck at the bottom of an icy hill. Miraculously I survived and didn't even break a bone.

You would think I would have learned after that, but that happened 11 years ago. I was 17, first drink at 14, I finally quit about 5 weeks ago........about 14 years of alcohol abuse. Way to go me!

I can't possibly count all the dangerous situations I put myself in during those years, how many times I acted like a complete idiot jacka$$, or how many loved ones I worried or hurt emotionally. (never hit another person, sure punched a lot of inanimate objects though, my right thanks me for that......)

As far as the benzos and some other things I need to stay away from, I'm still struggling, I'm improving, and optimistic, but that is an ongoing journey that I hope to see the end of soon.

Thanks again, don't be hard on yourself and just take it day by day. Remember to do your best to find some positivity in every situation, and know that you are still young! You got this! Patience and positivity.

originally posted by: FyreByrd
a reply to: GoShredAK

I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if I repeat something that somebody else has said.

One 'withdrawal' of anykind should be done with the help of medical personel. I know it can be done alone, many times in some cases but you never know if the next detox will kill you.

I'd detoxed several times on my own when at 26 I did it one more time (I wasn't that bad) and almost died of the DTs and convulsions - spent three days in hostipal and months with help to feel even close to normal. Benzo's - I have friends that after five years are still struggling with side effects - I understand that some people never regain what was lots.

Don't do it alone - or with someone else who is detoxing.

Regarding your new place and I'm sure it's wonderful - but it will not change anything. Whereever you are - well there you are. It's an inside job.

Good luck.

Thanks for the heads up.

Unfortunately people don't always have the option not to get through withdrawal on their own.

I'm sorry to here about your bad expieriences

I'm curious, don't feel obligated to answer, but when you nearly died with convulsions, did you discontinue whatever it was all at once? Cold turkey?

I can't reiterate enough the Importance of healthy diet and regular exercise. Those two things I truly believe and have felt can repair a surprising amount of damage done to our organs and brains.

This new place is wonderful, massive improvement, the last stop before we buy a house and leave behind the renting cycle. I know what you're saying about the problems being within, and that's very true. However, in my particular situation we needed this move bad, and it will be helpful In recovery and making positive progress.

Not at all a miracle cure all, or the only answer, but sometimes a fresh start is very beneficial.

Going from a poorly maintained apartment in town on an infamous street for drug traffic and sketchy people. A poorly maintained place with broken appliances, a shrew infestation, and too many bad memories.

To a modern, very well built, maintained and comfortable place located out in the country, on a lake. A place with nice working appliances, and very clean. The very few people nearby are all very nice and keep to themselves for the most part. Completely different atmosphere, basically a total contrast from the one before

This does make a big difference In our hearts which creates extra strength, will power and motivation.

Yes, the issues are purely internal, but your surroundings effect your mood, your mood plays a key role in addictive behaviors, so I this case at least, things will change.

Thanks again for the thoughtful warnings and taking your time to post here

originally posted by: diggindirt
Many people throughout history would agree with you on the demonic effects of various drugs. The term Demon Rum has been around as long as rum has been produced.
I have a family member who would agree with your assessment. She watched her husband go on a 20 year spiral of alcohol and legal drug abuse and swears there were times when he was demon-possessed. Dozens of times he vowed to get clean. He got sober for a total of 12 days once after going into convulsions and being hospitalized for acute alcohol poisoning. She stood by him, supported him and put him through at least half a dozen rehabs. After the last rehab he was put on a cocktail of legal drugs and sent home with a month's supply. He promptly swallowed about half of that month's supply and completely freaked out. When he refused to allow medical personnel to attend him, she attempted to leave. He grabbed a gun and shot at her. For her that was the last straw.
These days he spends his time sitting on his mother's couch watching reruns of western movies on tv. His brain seems irreparably damaged according to all who see and interact with him. It is incredibly sad. He was an wonderfully talented, witty, hard-working young man.
In his case it is hard to know whether the chemical mixtures have damaged his brain more than the multiple concussions he has in all likelihood suffered from numerous auto accidents and falls due to his intoxication.
Again, thank you for your posts. I find them very uplifting.

Gosh that is a sad story I appreciate you found it worth your time to share.

Yeah alcohol is a demon alright, even if it isn't, it'll turn some people into what can only be described as a demon.

My submission to alcoholism caused so much hardship and crazy stuff to happen, I wasted a lot of years of my life being an idiot when I could have been pursuing much better things.

It pains me to contemplate where I'd be today if I had never drank, or at least quit way earlier than I have.

A lot of wasted life, unneeded confrontation, and pain. I should have been harnessing that energy and directing it towards bettering myself so I could have been better to other people.

I should have been practicing my beloved board sports more often! I had a chance to charge harder and possibly go pro.

Or striving towards my dream of being fully involved in Mixed Martial Arts. I'd be in a cage right now instead of just watching it on tv while reminiscing on drunken wrestling matches. Or that one time I actually made it in the gym............

I don't like hearing myself complain or dwelling on what could of, should have been. So I stop those thoughts real quick and choose the outlook below more often.

I'm blessed to still be here today, I can still skate pretty good, I've surfed in California, Kauai, and Alaska, I feel one with a snowboard, and I still have what it takes to step into that cage at least once.

Best of all, I finally kicked the booze for good. This is new and exciting for me and I plan on making the best of it. I'm all out of screw ups and second chances anyway, so this is the only option.

originally posted by: r0xor

originally posted by: GoShredAK
The only reason Xanax would be easier than any of the others would because that individual is very lucky and hasn't reached an extreme level of addiction.
They're so bad because of how they mess with your mind, mainly your emotions, they mess with ur feelings and stuff bad, all the while you're going through physical torment......
My xani withdrawal was pretty heavy, but still minor compared to what they can be.
It took 100 hours, once I went for the cold turkey. 100 hours for me to feel normal. I know cause I was counting, I couldn't help it.

Yikes, okay, read carefully my brotha. 100 hours was a God send. Get far, far away and never look back. When I was about 20yrs old, I went onto legally prescribed alprazolam 3 to 4mg a day, for a month. Perhaps a few extra were taken during that time, but I had no concept of WD; utterly ignorant to the whole thing. THAT FIRST TIME .. took about 100 hours..

If you quit for a few months and do it again for even a week straight, you'll catch another 100 hours of it at the least. Your brain never completely forgets.

Gosh roxor, I just re-read this and you freaked me out..........I quit alcohol, it's been five weeks now, my anxiety disorder made a sneaky return so about two weeks ago I went got a legal prescription for klonopin........been taking them daily for this approximate two weeks. Usually only 1-2 mgs at once all day, but on a few occasions probably took about 4mgs at once...........because of the long half life I haven't even gone lone enough without to know what the severity of my withdrawals will be

I'll be detoxing from something else pretty serious at the same time.

Before this I succesfully kicked xanis again. Then I did the same with Valium, I think I tapered so well that one went very easy. Now I must face the consequences of abusing the clonezapam.......

My plan is to start a slightly aggressive taper down, like I did with the Valium, (which I already screwed up last night so tomorrow is the new day one) make it well over a week with nothing so I know I'm past the danger zone. Then keep these GD benzos on reserve for emergency situations only. They way I should have been treating them the entire time.......

Any suggestions?

I read all your replies, they were really good, definitely wasn't ignoring them, just could not think of anything worthy to write back..........

Thanks again for taking your time here....

originally posted by: mysterioustranger
a reply to: GoShredAK

You WERE not composing the 1st here I hope? If important compose on computer then cut and paste into ATS!

Always!

Still reading....will get back...

-sigh-.......I was......and I knew the entire time it was a bad idea and that one poorly placed swipe of the finger could destroy all my progress, forever sending all that work, those thoughts and the time into the abyss of cyberspace, never to be retrieved........

Figured I'd risk it, carried on, and well, we all know how that worked out for me

(well to be completely honest, this tablet is my only choice, but I could have at least periodically copied what I had written so far just in case.)

originally posted by: boorabbit
Excellent post. An honest one too.

Thank you

That was nice of ya...........

It's a journey, a mental journey, that's generally no fun and never worth it........

originally posted by: SubTruth
a reply to: GoShredAK

Good honest post OP I really liked it.......Opiate WD are the real deal.

Thanks sub, lol pun intended.......

Really though thanks for reading, and for the kind feedback.......

Real deal indeed. I know of some people so hopelessly lost that sadly I think they will die that way.

It's so sad, such a waste, and completely selfish and beyond unfair to loved ones........yet at the same time they're trapped and can no longer help it......ugh just an ugly scene.

Well, I hope I didn't forget anybody.........goodnight ATS.......

I'll keep the updates coming as time provides......

Tomorrows day one #4076.........lol, hopefully the last day one.........I'll let you guys know either way.

a reply to: GoShredAK

Tablets are fine tho too....just use notepad or whatever there...and save, save, save! Then cut and paste.

Hard lesson learned! Good luck!

originally posted by: mysterioustranger
a reply to: GoShredAK

Tablets are fine tho too....just use notepad or whatever there...and save, save, save! Then cut and paste.

Hard lesson learned! Good luck!

Lol

Well lucky me, by now I am pretty much an expert at learning things the hard way everytime....

As far as an update on my ongoing recovery. New day one went pretty well. Pretty much cut everything in half.

Not feeling ideal, but optimistic and confident. Tomorrow I'm going to get very serious about a rapid taper and full detox.

Thank God I don't have to work tomorrow. Going to resurrect my old workout routine, eat and live healthy and clean. Drink a lot of water!

The only drug I'll touch will be the absolute minimum dosage of legally prescribed benzodiazepine it'll take to stave off any potential severe withdrawal symptoms.

Keep moving forward get through it fast and never look back.

Day one going good so far, haven't taken anything yet, plan on taking a bare minimum dose of a Benzo in a bit, and once more before bed.

Minor withdrawal symptoms but nothing I should complain about.

Feeling optimistic and motivated.

Today's agenda: listen to some beautiful reggae music, workout/yoga, and continue settling into our new home

It's a good day. Feeling very happy with my choice to change and become the man I should be. I know it will get rough, I'm prepared, and vow not to fail.

The demons aren't invited, and I'm going to be strong when they try to come back...........

Regarding your new place and I'm sure it's wonderful - but it will not change anything. Whereever you are - well there you are. It's an inside job.

Going from a poorly maintained apartment in town on an infamous street for drug traffic and sketchy people. A poorly maintained place with broken appliances, a shrew infestation, and too many bad memories.

To a modern, very well built, maintained and comfortable place located out in the country, on a lake. A place with nice working appliances, and very clean. The very few people nearby are all very nice and keep to themselves for the most part.

Completely different atmosphere, basically a total contrast from the one before

This does make a big difference In our hearts which creates extra strength, will power and motivation.

To further illustrate this point. It is a gorgeous hot sunny day, best day off I've had in a loooong time, and literally as I type, out our front window there is a family of moose, A momma and two little ones, swimming along side the bank of the lake. It's such a classic Alaskan view. Like a dang postcard

That's a bit better than a group of sketchy folks wandering aimlessly up and down a ghetto looking street. Or the weekly ambulance and/or cop sightings we had become accustomed to.

Feels magical and puts a smile on my soul

originally posted by: GoShredAK
Day one going good so far, haven't taken anything yet, plan on taking a bare minimum dose of a Benzo in a bit, and once more before bed.

Minor withdrawal symptoms but nothing I should complain about.

Feeling optimistic and motivated.

Today's agenda: listen to some beautiful reggae music, workout/yoga, and continue settling into our new home

It's a good day. Feeling very happy with my choice to change and become the man I should be. I know it will get rough, I'm prepared, and vow not to fail.

The demons aren't invited, and I'm going to be strong when they try to come back...........

Day one concluded
Spent the whole day nesting in our new home, and yes there truly was a lot of quality reggae music in the air (please you guys, check out the bands SOJA, and Rebelution. Their music is so good and beyond uplifting)

Success thus far. I took nothing until about 4:30 pm, at which point I dosed 5mgs of legally prescribed Valium.

Then about an hour ago around 11:00 pm I took a 1/4 peice of the klonopin, with a 1/3 peice of a 10mg Valium.

My most prominent symptom today was unusually high irritability, which I feel I did pretty well at keeping in check, some minor anxiety/depression/worries. Little sore, that's about it.

Here I come day two. Gotta work tomorrow, have no choice but to be on time and perform my tasks well.

Still feeling confident and optimistic, yet not at all ignorant to the fact that it's gonna get a whole heck of a lot worse before it gets better.

My plan is to wake up around 6:30 in the morning so I can get a good workout in and actually take the time to enjoy the morning before work.

Goodnight all

Day two concluded

Zero Benzo abuse, increased the taper by a small percentage.

1/4 of a 10 mg Valium this morning before work, 1/4 of a 10 mg Valium along with 1/8 of a 1mg klonopin moments ago. (again, legally prescribed) very minor withdrawal symptoms, nothing even worth mentioning.

Kicked butt at work! Except it left me utterly exhausted so I gave into the weakness and used one of my old DOC(s) after work when the temptation presented itself.

(It wasn't alcohol! That stuff is out of my life for good, I can guarantee)

I'm not beating myself up over it, I feel pretty well on track still.

The DOC(s), I will rid of naturally and much easier as I continue to focus on tapering off of the benzos, which are my real problem and the most prevelant danger at the moment.

Tuesday's my normal day off, so I'm excited for tomorrow, I'm gonna keep the morning workout routine going, then probably go get on my dang skateboard, I think the poor thing misses me.

Going for a fully positive day, no DOC(s) and keeping strict with the weening process.

When compared to a couple weeks ago, right now I'm kicking butt.

With the good Lord in my heart I will continue to make forward progress, eventually succeed, and will NEVER turn back.

Tonight, once again I will go to sleep feeling optimistic rather than full of dread.

ETA: only mentioning the following in order to keep the honesty going, also I promised to bring anyone who's interested along on my final journey towards my sober self, and to the final destination of becoming the man I have the potential to, and should be, the man my loved ones deserve to know completely.

I recently had an ankle x-ray which revealed arthritis in the joint, a mini hatchet chop looking bone spur, along with calcification of the nearby ligaments.

It's my left ankle and I sprained it badly four years ago while attempting a skateboard trick called a "kick flip" off of a loading dock. It was about a five to six foot vertical drop.

I had landed it cleanly while my father and law was watching the day prior.

The next day I wanted to show off to my lovely wife and land it again, problem was I had three or four beers in me so I shouldn't have been trying it at the time, well I did, and now, four years later, I'm still feeling that genius decision.

Anyway, long story long, I was having a bad ankle day so I finally decided to go get it checked out. They sent me off with the diagnoses and 30 of the weaker norcos, 7.5 mgs hydrocodone/325 mgs acetaminophen I believe. I took my last one of those this morning as well.

Which reminds me, that's first on my list tomorrow, I have an appointment to start physical therapy for this. I'm very excited to get some professional help because this thing is getting bad.

On a good day, I hardly notice.

On bad day the ankle is about a 7-8 on the pain scale and the pain spreads up through my shin, into the knee, and gradually forces my hip out alignment, then finally relents the upward progression at my lower back.

I already do a lot of different stretches and self chiropractic techniques to put my hip and lower back, back into alignment, but I've never had this addressed by a professional. So I'm pretty darn happy ill be getting help.

I'm sure that was a lot of info that hardly anyone cares about, but hey, it's my thread, it's real, and we're on a journey here my friends

So to anyone who may have found it worth their time to continie to navigate through my rambling, drug addled posts, I thank you, and am glad to have you along

To anyone whose respect I may have lost after sharing all this, please know this is not my whole life, there's much more to my character than these issues I cause myself, and my current struggle.

I don't enjoy addiction, or drug abuse, I don't think it's cool, I disdain this part of me actually, hence the determination to stop for good, and the enthusiasm to share openly.

If you knew me personally, I bet you would be surprised and I would earn some of that respect back.

Day 3 concluded.......stuck to the schedule, no sleep last night made for a rough day today, I was a waste of life. Iirritabality and depression have been pretty tough to handle without freaking out for most of the day.

There were a couple good moments here and there though

This is all part of it, so I know I'm on the right track. I'll see this through all right, but the rough patch is just ahead.

I might disappear or be a bit short for a bit, but that should be a good sign that I'm miserable getting through the rough part of detox instead of screwing up and partaking in things that'll prolong this.

Not gonna spend much time here tonight, I'm gonna finish my CO application before bed.

Time to get serious about this change.

Eta: oh yeah PT appointment was cool I guess. My whole body is tweaked from that wreck and the last four years. I'm excited to go back now that I know what to expect.

It's a good thing I'm doing this or I'd be having old man pain all over my body, way to freakin early.

Peace

Day 4 concluded,

Stuck with Benzo weening program. I seem to be doing well, I think I'll get through that pretty soon, I don't see myself abusing benzos ever again, so here in a few it'll be a non issue and I'll be able to say I've stopped taking them completely.

They way I'm doing it I think I'm going to dodge the horrific Benzo withdrawal symptoms that do exist, and have potential of invading full force if discontinuation isn't done properly.

Problem is, cutting down one two of my DOC(s) has begun to cause another set of withdrawal symptoms.

Today was weird because physically I felt pretty sick. (at one point I had to leave a customer mid-sale, and bail to the restroom and projectile hurl about 7 times in a row) and I was pouring sweat all friggin day. (granted a lot of what I do is quite labor Intensive)

I'm a pretty good salesman, and the head warehouse guy. No one can hold a candle to my ability to manage the warehouse and handle heavy freight for hours.

A peculiar part of today for me was that I was impressively mentally sound, felt on point, in a decent mood, and was able to really to kick a$$ at every task placed in front of me, really engage customers and make sales for 9 hours strait at work. (even skipped lunch).

All that with zero drugs used whatsoever, with the exception of the the smallest dose of Benzo I've taken since deciding to get clean. Which goes completely unnoticed and is ony there for the sake of a gradual weening process.

Still I feel damn lucky and am not complaining. I'm well aware this can get a million times worse, and a hardcore addict would just laugh at my situation. This fact makes me feel mentally weak, I hope to improve upon that weakness.

Anyway, though benzos are gradually leaving my system the way I need them to be, I still partook in the DOC(s) after work, and temporarily eliminated a different set of withdrawal, I'll eventually have to see, that to the end.

Had I not already conquered alcohol, that would be four physically addictive substances to detox. I wonder how my body would have handled that...........?

Tomorrows plan is it stay the hell away from those two DOC's, go for a cold turkey on them, since I'm not very deep into those habits. (I think/I hope), and keep moving forward with the Benzo taper.

Like the past three days, I'll be waking up early, working out, and making it to work early.

I can already see my old muscles coming back, my good wolf mind is waking up, and I'm still riding that confidence, motivation, and optimism.

Lately I've been very strict with my diet and hydration. I've drinking a decent amount of Chaga tea, as well as Kombucha and aloe water. I feel these are making a huge difference on how this plays out within my system, body and mind.