Tips for being happy in an unhappy relationship?

beer

a reply to: meomy

Thanks. I know that I'm dealing with a narcissist, and that they don't change, it just sucks to admit it to myself.

I think "I know what the problem is, so I can fix it" then"oh wait, that's not a fixable problem."

I know I need to leave, but he'll make sure that its not easy. The last time I tried he used the kids against me, and I was not successful, so I'm trying to start believing in myself.

I know I need an education, but he always has some reason for why I can't go to school "right now" and says we'll be able to afford it later.
So, I need to weigh all of my options and figure out how I can support myself and the kids. Ill get child support, but it won't be enough unless I also have a full time job. He'll try to get custody of the kids, which I can't let happen. When we were separated before he left the kids with his sister on visitation weekends so that he could go out. From what I've heard he stayed plastered drunk everyday that I was gone and nearly lost his job, so it scares me that he could get them (just to hurt me) just because he can afford a good lawyer.

originally posted by: acacko
beer

Just popped a top.

I am not great at giving advice but maybe you can take something from my experience. Its easy to criticize anyone from the outside looking in.

Once a cheater always a cheater....not true. Yes no doubt that many cheaters keep on, but not all. When I came back from Iraq I went through alot of things and coped by doing many different things that I shouldn't have. I turned to alcohol as well as other things. I wasnt getting things I needed out of my relationship so I cheated. Was it wrong? Absolutely! Have I cheated again? No! Have I had the opportunity? Yes who hasn't?

I knew I was wrong and I was too immature to admit it etc. Finally I learned and I fessed up and admitted it and made a change. I would never have blamed her for leaving but she was mature enough and cared enough to find out why. Things she didnt care about before this had happened. It was my fault and my fault only for cheating. I was the idiot. I made a mistake, I am human. Could I have left? Yes. Could she? Yes. Thankfully we didnt because we have had a wonderful relationship for years since.

To say get a real man is dumb. Real men admit when they mess up and change it. Nobody is perfect.
You made a commitment when you married each other. DO NOT throw that away. Try to understand whats going on and find out if you can do anything to help change whsts going on. Some people dont change, others do. You have to to try though. Walking away is easy to do. Sometimes when all your options have been used, it is the only thing left.
Sorry if this didnt help much but its all I had.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Thank you for the advice. I can tell you're a good guy because you admitted it and didn't make the mistake again. The problem in this situation is that he only admits it when he's caught red handed, it happens over and over, and he never seems to feel remorse. If there's anything he's not getting from our relationship he's hasn't told me what in 7 years. Plus it's not just cheating that's an issue. Even if he never cheats again, I can't deal with the way he belittles me forever.

I know he's not just evil. I know he has issues with self love and self esteem and that his behavior towards me is how he's coping with his childhood. I feel for him, and I do love him, but I can't let him bring me down.

I think I'm getting a better understanding of how to keep myself up when he brings me down. I'm staying for now, to get myself together and I may start seeing a counselor. I only see him 10 days a month because of his job so I have the luxury of taking my time and deciding what I should do.

I guess what I should have asked was "Tips for making yourself happier?" Because I know what's wrong with the relationship. I just want to keep my spirits up while I'm figuring out how to be independent.

I sincerely want to thank everyone that replied. It means a lot, but now I feel bad for bringing bad vibes to the forum.

I actually meant to keep it kind of non personal and more about specific techniques for shielding ones self from negative energy, but I let it get more about the relationship at some point which turned this thread into a pretty depressing read.

I did get some good advice and some new perspectives though, so thank you to everyone that took the time to read and respond.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

Hey, no worries--any one of us posting in response could've turned a blind eye including me and we didn't. Hang in there and don't feel like you should apologize for reaching out or that you're weighing anybody down. Big no no for you especially. See all the input as a bunch of people telling you that you do actually matter. I think you probably needed a little reminding of that anyways.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

I understand. From the sounds of it, I wouldn't bet he would change. Some people grow up a little and some people never do. Every situation is different and there really is no right answer. Just be weary of advice you get out of anger. Some people feel a certain way because of things that have happened to them. I cant blame them, but you get what I mean.
Spend more time with your children. If possible try and find some hobbies. Alot of girls I work with love pinterest. Its not bad to go out and meet people either but be weary where you meet them and what everyones intentions are.

Im trying to help and I know you've been overloaded with information. Just remain honest and faithful to him. If you need to get out, do it. Just stay true to everyone and make no decision out of emotion. Keep yourself a bigger person and dont seek vendettas. When its all ovrr you will feel better and have no regrets. Then he may realize he lost a special girl. It may be too late for him by then, but at least he will realize it.

If you need to talk you can u2u me.

Thank you. It really does help and I needed a change from all the relationship and self help articles I'm always reading.

a reply to: LoverBoy

That's really good advice. I've learned that its impossible for me to be happy if I'm feeling guilty or hiding things, even if he does.

When it comes to taking advice, I'm going to talk to a counselor. I don't process my thoughts clearly unless I speak them out loud, so I think that will help me to find a solution.

a reply to: meomy

You cannot build a normal relationship with an abnormal person.

Incredibly concise.

So true, but hard to recognize sometimes.

originally posted by: ScientiaFortisDefendit

originally posted by: grey580
a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

The only way to be responsible for your happiness is to take it.

You are letting him upset you.

Don't give away your power to anyone.

Right now you are giving away that power. The next time you are getting upset. Ask yourself why are you letting his words affect you. His words only have power over you if you give them the power to hurt you.

This would be very selfish of someone to do in a relationship. You are essentially telling her to withdraw from him and whatever upsets her. it would make the situation worse. Problems have to be talked about and dealt with honestly. If she is upset, there is a reason, and it must be addressed.

Not at all.

The issues still need to be addressed. However she's giving him the satisfaction of knowing that his words hurt her.
She needs to be able to deal with him on equal footing. It's obvious that he's not above hurting her feelings.
She needs to get past the hurt and go on to healling.

Your relationship can still be saved for as long as the power of love still relies on the both of you. Talk through things in the right way. According to DailyDater:

Work out together how to improve things in your relationship.

Boy I could write a book on this one.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

Tips for being happy in an unhappy relationship?

Yes I have one.

1: Get out of it.

I dont know how you all go about it, but you know do you own thing till your ready to move on then do so, there are plenty of outlets out there for women to find other people, but like anything else you take your chances. However if your so unhappy in your current relationship, your bound to find something better, sooner or latter. I do not think its that hard for most females to go out and socialize or even dating sites or whatever and find other guys.

Looking around this thread seems people already said what I would have likely said anyways. So ya!

Alright I am very glad you sad this, but DON'T CHEAT! That is the absolute worst thing you could do.
Secondly, there are different stages of love, the most being unconditional love. When you experience this, your own unhappines doesn't matter anymore. It is a continuous self-sacrifce. Many people advice to think of yourself first. And that may be true to some extend, but only do so if you believe it is best not only for you, but for the marriage, society etc. There are two things you could do: either hurt someone else, or hurt yourself. This could be very much related to love someone above yourself, or love only yourself. If I may quote Bruce Lee: Real living is living for others. I understand that it may not work out. Then either sacrifice yourself, if you have children, else it may be best to split up.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

The fact is - that women get happy from emotionally manipulating men. It is a game to them, a game of pure unrighteousness.

The only answer is to leave the woman and have no more of a relationship because the man is going to be unhappy and the woman is going to be happy - because the woman gets happy from going against every single little teaching of the bible. The whole time the man is sad because he does not get the only things he asks for - love. But the woman is happy because she believes in Pride, Materialism, Jealousy, Power from Control (controlling emotions are their favorite because they have found that to be the easiest - to take advantage exactly what God gave the human body and mind) the moment you take away control from a woman - meaning that if a man lets a woman know that she cannot control him - she is out the door, no more relationship. Woman have already made a decision, if the man has a lot of money and a lot of muscles, she will please him sexually, and that is when the control starts. I have women around me all the time saying "I believe in having kids, I am promiscuous, always looking for the next rich man to take advantage of, but I don't believe on one thing - marriage. The moment you let her know that she has your heart, you will be cheated on, the moment you deny control, you will be alone, the moment you think positive thoughts and show you are not enslaved in your mind by all the primitive pathetic wicked emotions like jealousy, she is running away at full speed.

Really, it is a grand delusion, because I have extensive data to support all my claims, but all a woman has is falsehood and denial, a dream that she sells on the behalf of man's sexual appetite, one mind you that is almost nonexistent in the female body, with that chance of manipulation, there is no way on earth that you will ever be able to convince me again that a woman can mentally give up all of her material possessions and walk a holy path, these new age american women are entirely despicable in such a way that hundreds of negative words can be used to describe them in truth, and if she regards truth, and hears any such positive word accidentally thrown into the mix, she will hiss back her mouth and snarl like a venom dripping snake. For me to take every aspect of knowing how much injustice hates the truth itself, I am going to have so much fun taking all of those egotistical judgmental biased views they come up with every day by complete delusion and ignorance to what is really truth and false, and by calm faith, self sacrifice, and emotional control, I am going to use my poetic words as fire that breathes infinite flames from the largest dragon of truth that she will not be able to keep walking the wicked route of mockery and pride, but will be stopped in utter fear of the final proof that truth does exist, and the humble truth is more deserving of righteousness than falsehood.

For any attraction, good looks, mannerisms, and well-groomed personality are of significance, but what is more important is good character, trustworthy and caring attitude. It is the basis of all relationships. It is also advisable to not be too desperate for that perfect love life. Every special moment and relation need time to form. And a relation that passes the test of time is the correct relation.