Tips for being happy in an unhappy relationship?

originally posted by: Akragon
a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

This person has already proven that he does not deserve her by betraying her in the first place.... Especially if they have children....

She needs to ditch the trash and find a real man...

Real man. That's what all the divorced women on dating sites are looking for. I wonder why they are divorced.

She should try to save the marriage, ESPECIALLY if they have children. I think maybe you should read that book, too.

I am not a marriage counselor, but my knowledge has been increased dramatically after reading that book (which was recommended to me by someone who had been through an affair and separation). Things I was blind to before are now painfully obvious. I am surprised that pastors don't require this or similar books for premarital counseling.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

The only way to be responsible for your happiness is to take it.

You are letting him upset you.

Don't give away your power to anyone.

Right now you are giving away that power. The next time you are getting upset. Ask yourself why are you letting his words affect you. His words only have power over you if you give them the power to hurt you.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit
I got your p2p but can't reply. Maybe because I'm new? I'll look into the book but to be honest I've read at least twenty books on marriage. I based the first few years on what "created to be his helpmeet" told me to do, but that did nothing except make me even more of a door mat.
I appreciate your advice and can see it comes from a good place, but its been like this for years. I've done everything he's ever asked. I never refuse him sexually, I've taken excellent care of myself physically, I took that "obey" line in the vows to heart, I've forgiven him for so many things that he would never tolerate. I've made everything about him for the entire marriage, always telling myself that if I just try harder he'll start treating me like a fellow human being.

It's an emotionally abusive relationship. He uses threats and insults to make me feel like I don't deserve decent treatment and when I try to tell him theres a problem he punishes me by leaving for the night, or cheating.

Your advice is probably great for alot of people, but frankly I don't think it would hurt for me to start thinking about what I need.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

You have no idea what happened to me or what I've been through so kindly mind your own business. Reading a book written by a psychologist does not make you an expert. On the contrary, it just makes you able to read and since you are capable of reading, you will also note that I said that "I don't like talking about it. It was that bad" with your amazing ability to read. Respect it because I don't have to defend the indefensible to some dude on a forum.

Have a nice day.

originally posted by: grey580
a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

The only way to be responsible for your happiness is to take it.

You are letting him upset you.

Don't give away your power to anyone.

Right now you are giving away that power. The next time you are getting upset. Ask yourself why are you letting his words affect you. His words only have power over you if you give them the power to hurt you.

This would be very selfish of someone to do in a relationship. You are essentially telling her to withdraw from him and whatever upsets her. it would make the situation worse. Problems have to be talked about and dealt with honestly. If she is upset, there is a reason, and it must be addressed.

originally posted by: ScientiaFortisDefendit

originally posted by: Akragon
a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

This person has already proven that he does not deserve her by betraying her in the first place.... Especially if they have children....

She needs to ditch the trash and find a real man...

Real man. That's what all the divorced women on dating sites are looking for. I wonder why they are divorced.

She should try to save the marriage, ESPECIALLY if they have children. I think maybe you should read that book, too.

I am not a marriage counselor, but my knowledge has been increased dramatically after reading that book (which was recommended to me by someone who had been through an affair and separation). Things I was blind to before are now painfully obvious. I am surprised that pastors don't require this or similar books for premarital counseling.

Well heres a rational update...

Dating sites are for people who are trying to get laid...

There is no marriage IF one person is cheating on the other... I don't need to read a book to know this...

been there done that.... could have wrote my own book on the topic...

Ditch the garbage and get a real man...

that means someone who cares about YOU


Look at this crap....

He uses threats and insults to make me feel like I don't deserve decent treatment and when I try to tell him theres a problem he punishes me by leaving for the night, or cheating.

Btw I'm reading through all the responses. Took the kids to the park and did some swinging.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

that's a good start hunny...

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

Sending you a private pm

originally posted by: JessicaRabbitTx
a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit
I got your p2p but can't reply. Maybe because I'm new? I'll look into the book but to be honest I've read at least twenty books on marriage. I based the first few years on what "created to be his helpmeet" told me to do, but that did nothing except make me even more of a door mat.
I appreciate your advice and can see it comes from a good place, but its been like this for years. I've done everything he's ever asked. I never refuse him sexually, I've taken excellent care of myself physically, I took that "obey" line in the vows to heart, I've forgiven him for so many things that he would never tolerate. I've made everything about him for the entire marriage, always telling myself that if I just try harder he'll start treating me like a fellow human being.

It's an emotionally abusive relationship. He uses threats and insults to make me feel like I don't deserve decent treatment and when I try to tell him theres a problem he punishes me by leaving for the night, or cheating.

Your advice is probably great for alot of people, but frankly I don't think it would hurt for me to start thinking about what I need.

The first problem is that you both have to be on board. If he does not agree to counseling and putting an end to the cheating, then you separate (read the book and what is says on that matter, though). That book is not all about daisies and rainbows, that's for sure. He doesn't sugar coat anything.

You might search on YouTube for him. I know there is a 7(?)-part series where he and his wife were on a TV show. It is a good primer to his methodology and very informative. He is one of the few psychologist/MCs who addresses infidelity and how to restore a marriage form the damage it causes.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

Well Then One Must Learn To Let Go And Not Be Afraid To Move On

originally posted by: JessicaRabbitTx


Btw I'm reading through all the responses. Took the kids to the park and did some swinging.

Swinging, you say? Open marriages can be problematic.

LOL Sorry, I couldn't resist.

originally posted by: EVOL88
a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

Well Then One Must Learn To Let Go And Not Be Afraid To Move On

But not before exhausting all options. Moving on should be the last resort.

a reply to: WhiteAlice

Thank you. Your words are so very logical and encouraging. That's what I asked for, and many of these replies have made me feel better already.

It's just nice to get some personal encouragement rather than reading self help books and articles (which I read a lot of) even if it is online.

I'm keeping a journal now to keep my head clear and to document things that happen, (he has a way of rewriting history). I've also been adding a lot of encouraging quotes to it, and some of the responses will make it in.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

I'm glad that it helped. I spent 7 years in total in my circumstance with the final two years being the truly unmentionable years after I tried leaving. I barely survived what I went through but I did make it out. A word of caution though, in regards to journals, make sure that you are keeping it in a place that he will not find, depending on how he is. Also, consider whether he is tech savvy or not. The monster (even he called himself that) that I survived had a key logger and packet sniffer to know everything I typed both online and off.

Not every relationship is salvageable. Anyone who tells you that they are really hasn't experienced the full diversity of how low and toxic another human being can be to someone they profess to love. Please hang in there and remember your babies' faces every time you think you can't do this. I wish I could offer an ear but what happened to me left tremendous scars but do know that I am rooting for you all the way.

a reply to: WhiteAlice

Exactly...

Don't waste your time with someone who isn't worth that time...

A Cheater is not worth the clothes they wear... and they will always cheat again... and again...

Some relationships are just toxic... but because of fear they stick it out, and compile the pain on top of what is already there... Or perhaps they stick it out because there are children involved... but what they don't realise is that this is not healthy...

Please don't stay with someone who does not have respect for you... Love is just a word if theres nothing to back it up...

Physical or emotional abuse is never acceptable... moving on might be hard, but in the long run staying and denying reality is far far worse.....

DON'T DO IT... YOU are worth more then that....

And im not just talking to our OP... Im talking to ANYONE in this situation....

A relationship needs trust... respect... and hopefully love...

IF there is none of these... You're only dragging yourself though a pile of crap...

And you show others that is what you believe you are worth....

JUST DON'T...

a reply to: Akragon

I learned the hard way that sticking through bad for the sake of children risks perpetuation to boot. On top of it, as much as I tried to shelter my children, kids are observant as hell. I'm not the only one in my household that bears scars. My children do, too. My eldest cannot even talk about that time--not even the good times. My youngest, though she was so little, remembers a whole lot that I had hoped she wouldn't. It shaped us all in a multitude of ways to this day, even years later.

Children deserve to see what actual love is. They deserve to live in a home that is free of toxic chaos. They shouldn't be raised in fear for their own safety or their mother's. I could go on and on. The one good thing that I showed them is that, when someone treats you like you're less than human, you don't stick around. You're worth more than that.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

I read to the point of where you said he and his girlfriend called you to harass you for fun. Yes it sounds like a narcissist. Focus on reading books to help you deal with that.

I was advised by a counsellor that you don't go to marriage counselling with a narc because their objective is not to fix things but to make you look bad and them look justified for their behaviour. You cannot build a normal relationship with an abnormal person.

Until you're ready to leave you need to disengage emotionally while still being kind. Find a job. Make your own friends. Make plans for you and your children. You have to untangle your self worth and emotions from his behaviour. Don't fall for the guilt trips either. Narcissists love love love drama. They create as much as possible in other people's minds to use to keep themselves feeling superior. Everything will be going along just fine and whamo a made up problem out of the blue that will leave you reeling because it makes no sense. You might even end up defending yourself for issues that don't even exist.

You can't fix this. You can tolerate it, but you can't fix it anymore than you could fix any other mental illness in a partner. It doesn't matter how perfect of a spouse you are, you still won't be able to cure a mental illness or a personality disorder.It has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

Go to counselling on your own. The first thing you will learn about leaving a narcissist is no contact. None. Zero. Change your number, block on social media, get a lawyer to deal with custody and support. You can't build yourself with someone trying to tear you down.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

A quote from your post.

"How do you stop wasting unappreciated energy on the other person and start working on your own happiness? "

Your answer is right In front of you. Just remove the words (How, do, you). It would look like this.

(stop wasting unappreciated energy on the other person and start working on your own happiness!)

Just my opinion/advice. I don't think the answer is to "find yourself a real man". Maybe you should take some time, after you leave him, if that is the outcome for yourself. You will need time to heal from the emotional/psychological abuse that you've endured. Too often I see people who leave one relationship and JUMP into another before the ink is dry on the seperation papers or they start a new relationship before they've physically left the current one.
I would advise you (I'm not a trained counselor or therapist) to take time for you. I believe I read that you have given him everything he's asked for. Basically catered to his every need and desire but, what have you done for YOU? Have you been so busy pleasing him that you forgot about you?
Being physically attractive and sexually open is great but, is there something you are missing?
I'll close with a story:
I have a brother who is a drinker. He (ever since leaving the military) has always frequented bars. He works second shift and goes out after. He comes home when the bars close. He was with the same woman for about ten years when they decided to marry. About one year after they married, she called my parents one weekend crying and talking about leaving him because he is STILL going out after work and closing down the bar. My Father said to her, "this is what he has always done why do you think he would stop?". She said I thought now that we were married, he would change. Dad told her," you marry the person you know and love. If you wanted someone different why marry them?".
Now, I'm not saying, Jessica, this is YOUR situation, I just have remembered that for years and thought I would share.

Good luck to you!