Tips for being happy in an unhappy relationship?

If someone is in a relationship or marriage that's been unhappy for a long time, despite that person making numerous attempts to resolve issues, but for whatever reason doesn't want to end it, is it possible to be happy anyway?

Any tips for getting out of a depression and breaking codependent habits would be appreciated.

How do you stop wasting unappreciated energy on the other person and start working on your own happiness?

Thanks in advance.

I'm specifically asking for advice that would be helpful if the person is not quite ready to leave the relationship entirely, but is aware that they are putting all their focus on the relationship and neglecting their own personal growth.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship isn't the best.

however you've taken the first step in taking care of yourself first.
Which is a good thing.

I've always come from the perspective that you and you alone are in control of your happiness. And no one can force you to be unhappy unless you let them. Once you realize this fact. Everything else will fall into place.

So go out. Do fun stuff. Work on being happy.

Get out and socialize a helluva lot more with other people, so that the problem individual is less a percentage of your day, week and month.

Pursue personal hobbies that are solitary rather than partner oriented, unless the interaction with the partner is pleasant.

Encourage the other person to do more of both these two.

Finally, plot your escape if and when it comes to that. Secure your own personal income which will provide autonomy and freedom.

There are many, many self-help sites that have valuable information. They can help unravel the mystery of why we don't always take control of our lives.

I once attended a woman's support group at our local YWCA, only because a friend didn't want to go alone. I didn't think 'I' needed any help, but the things I learned about myself, and human nature in general, changed my entire life!
The meetings were free, and if you have a YWCA in your area I would strongly urge you to see if they offer a similar program.

The first step to changing your situation may be in learning to value yourself enough to know you deserve the best of what life has to offer. Once you reach that awareness, it becomes almost impossible to settle for less.

If you need to fix the other person in your relationship before you fix the relationship, then you have a big problem. I asked my mother in law on her thirty first anniversary (her husband didn't come home that night) how many more years is she going to wait for him to realize how good he has it with you. She dumped him and has been happy for ten years.
The point is, don't waste your time if you can't see it getting any better. If you can see daylight, fight for it.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx
I agree with grey..
You make your own happiness...
And signal has good advice on getting out more away from person..

We can't depend on others to make us happy or unhappy. If you're in an unhappy relationship but don't want to leave... Then you either need counseling or there's a book called the five languages of love.. Some relationships go sour for the fact of one person is just giving and the other is taking... IMHO.. Relationships are give and take.. If one is just taking and the other just giving.. It's not gonna work right.

I hope things get better x
-nat
Btw-love ya name and avi

The tip for being happy in an unhappy relationship is this .... get out if you can.
There is no reason to waste a single minute on someone who won't change.
Time is precious. Don't waste it.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley. Read it, right now.

People don't know what they are doing in relationships. They think they do, but they don't. People think "What do I need to be happy?" and they have it backward. You get what you give.

By the way, I do not exclude myself from my comments herein. I thought I knew, then I read this book (and his others). I am not affiliated in any way with him, but it is like a huge dose of knowledge that makes it very clear what your issues are.

Good luck.

p.s. I am already seeing responses from people who don't possess the knowledge in this book. Leaving should be the LAST resort, not the first.

Gary Chapman's books are good also, but I prefer Harley's. More straightforward and they appeal more to men.

originally posted by: Jainine
The tip for being happy in an unhappy relationship is this .... get out if you can.
There is no reason to waste a single minute on someone who won't change.
Time is precious. Don't waste it.

You made a commitment and you owe it to them to try whatever you can before throwing in the towel. Why is your spouse acting a certain way? Maybe there is a reason and they WILL change if that reason is addressed. I'm not saying you are completely wrong, but leaving should not be your FIRST choice.

OK, this is coming from the other end of the spectrum. I was the problem. The problem will remain as long as that person is enabled. Why change when you don't have to? After 22 years the wife finally left. We've both been happier since as we've worked on ourselves. We are BOTH better. And we are very good friends again. Not telling what to do, just giving you some insight from the other side.

I spent the first few years of my marriage so unhappy that I thought I'd never make it to 3 years. I grew up and realized I was the cause of most of my unhappiness in expecting my husband to be molded to exactly what I wanted him to be, when I wanted him to be it.

We had problems as most young couples do, but looking at myself and what I was doing to contribute to my own unhappiness saved my marriage. We are going on 18 years in March. Married couples are two different people and realizing that helps as well.

I'm in no way saying that this everyone's problem of course, just saying that sometimes we can fine tune ourselves and make the outlook a little better. It's easy to get stuck in a rut and start blaming everyone else. Nobody wants to blame themselves and who can blame them for that??

I do hope you can find some happiness as I can remember those years where it seemed like torture. It's not fun.

originally posted by: nugget1
The first step to changing your situation may be in learning to value yourself enough to know you deserve the best of what life has to offer. Once you reach that awareness, it becomes almost impossible to settle for less.

Ah, the princess syndrome. This is a recipe for permanent unhappiness. You think you deserve the best and you won't settle, but you'll never get the best because you are more concerned with what YOU deserve and what YOU want that you ignore your partner's needs. When you do that, you end up not getting what you want from a relationship.

Good luck with all that.

Read this, out of the thousands of books I've read in 61 years, this stands head and shoulders above the rest as a way of understanding with clarity the world and how to navigate it; thank god it's finally on the internet, I went through dozens of copies given to friends that I never saw again (the books, not the friends) It's dated (written in the 70s) but still much is valid. It literally changed my life and I'm very glad I ran across it at a young age. I'd recommend it to everyone else, not just the OP.

How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

Very mature, dropping your pride and admitting that you may be part of the problem. Most people can't do that and that is probably the biggest reason divorce rates are so high.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

Be honest to yourself and that person... break up

IF its a marriage a trial separation would be wise...

You will either find that you miss this person or You're better off without...

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

Seriously? WTH?

Telling yourself you deserve the best, has nothing to do with being a "Princess".

Everyone's best is different. Could be just a man that doesn't cheat on you. Could be just a spouse that values you, respects you. The fact is, you have to love, and know yourself, before you can make anyone else happy, or have them make you happy.

Princess... Pft.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

....cheat...

originally posted by: ScientiaFortisDefendit

originally posted by: Jainine
The tip for being happy in an unhappy relationship is this .... get out if you can.
There is no reason to waste a single minute on someone who won't change.
Time is precious. Don't waste it.

You made a commitment and you owe it to them to try whatever you can before throwing in the towel. Why is your spouse acting a certain way? Maybe there is a reason and they WILL change if that reason is addressed. I'm not saying you are completely wrong, but leaving should not be your FIRST choice.

I'm afraid that He has a personality disorder that stems from an unhealthy childhood.
He seems to lack compassion and remorse, and ever since I started reading about emotional abuse and narcissistic personality disorder a few years ago, I've been able to see things more and more clearly.
I don't want to get into a lot of detail but there's serial cheating and just a general lack of caring. I filed for divorce and we separated for a few months but he made promises to get me to come back. Now, I wouldn't have as much support from my family if I left again, so I need to stay for a while until I have a good financial plan. I've been a stay at home mom for five years.

BUT, in the mean time, I want to be as happy as possible. He's out of town working so often that its usually just me and my kids. We don't have family in this area so I'm somewhat isolated, and I just want learn how to stop worrying about him and how to stop letting him bring me down.

a reply to: rockpaperhammock

So your advice is to bring more drama and unhappiness into the marriage? If OP wants to cheat, they need to hit the bricks IMO. Cheating will only make one more unhappy especially if they fall for the one they cheat with and still can not or will not leave the marriage.

There's a reason why everyone is told that they can't have their cake and eat it too...

originally posted by: rockpaperhammock
a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

....cheat...

No way! I'd just feel even more unhappy!