Tips for being happy in an unhappy relationship?

originally posted by: chiefsmom
a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

Seriously? WTH?

Telling yourself you deserve the best, has nothing to do with being a "Princess".

Everyone's best is different. Could be just a man that doesn't cheat on you. Could be just a spouse that values you, respects you. The fact is, you have to love, and know yourself, before you can make anyone else happy, or have them make you happy.

Princess... Pft.

It is simple. You receive what you give in relationships. If you have the attitude that you have a quota of anything is setting yourself up for disappointment. That is not to say you can't be discerning while you are dating, but once you are in a relationship, you have to remember that there are TWO people in it, not just you.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

I don't want to get into a lot of detail but there's serial cheating and just a general lack of caring. I filed for divorce and we separated for a few months but he made promises to get me to come back.

Bad news my dear....

Once a cheater always a cheater.... Just get out of this relationship fast... and NEVER look back...

Don't ever put up with a cheater no matter what they promise you... YOU are better then that

YOU deserve better then that....

RUN.... JUST RUN!!

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx
With all that you have described so far, staying, ONLY until you have a good financial plan, sounds like your only option?
I get it, as I've been there. But let me tell you, the moment I had a job, and knew I could take care of my boys? GONE!!!!
I even had to get assistance for awhile while working. I won't lie, I was scared to death. But after the first 6 months, then a year?

Everyone I knew, including family, commented on how much happier I seemed, and more interestingly, how much more like my "old" self. I didn't realize how much I had changed, to accommodate the situation.

If your not happy, your children will know as well, no matter how much you try to cover it.

I wish you the best, whatever you choose to do!

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

I am probably a little like how you describe your husband, and I think my problems stem from my mother's constant disapproval when I was growing up. My parents are not affectionate people. I think I am affectionate and I felt affectionate toward my (ex) wife, but I had trouble actually expressing it. It doesn't mean that I am unwilling to unlearn those behaviors. Her biggest problem is communication, and she basically made a decision to bail without even talking to me other than to make demands of me to address HER needs while ignoring mine. Anyway, if he is agreeable to counseling, I would do that, and don't be afraid to change counselors if you don't find one that is meeting your expectations. See if you can find one who is familiar with Harley's work. The one we went to was an idiot.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

Well, in most cases, yes, that is true.
But I guess you have been lucky, and haven't ran into those wonderful people that disguise who they are, until the ring is on the finger, and the vows are said. Or been in an abusive relationship.

Now, after twenty years in a great relationship, I don't have to worry, but those people are out there and from what she has described, he could be one of them.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit
Everything you said is why I hang on to hope, but in 8 years that hope has gotten me nowhere. I bend over backwards to meet his needs and the only thing he's changed is that he hasn't cheated in the last few months as far as I know.

But my main point is that I want to be happy now. I already left once and we've only been back together a few months. I fell on my face when I left after his last affair. I had no job experience and couldn't afford a lawyer. He wouldn't help me financially until it was court ordered, and he and his girlfriend hatassed me by phone just for fun.

Basically I wasn't prepared so I was weak and finally gave in after he kept asking me to come back.
I can feel the old cycle coming back, so until I'm ready I want to learn how to stop letting his insults and neglect bring me down. I want to be responsible for my own happiness, I just don't know where to start. I'm doing good and then one nasty comment from him can ruin my whole day. I want to learn how to shield myself from that.

a reply to: chiefsmom

There are definitely exceptions - physical or sexual abuse, continued substance abuse. Even Harley advises to get out of those situations.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx


The Mind Is The Source Of All Happiness And Unhappiness

originally posted by: JessicaRabbitTx
I bend over backwards to meet his needs and the only thing he's changed is that he hasn't cheated in the last few months as far as I know.

OK. I got that far. Leave. My oldest girl is in her early 20's and that's the same advice I would give her. No trust = no relationship.

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

Why is he cheating? Is he really a SOB to the core, or could it be that he has needs that are not being met? You could be bending over backward in many ways, but unless you are meeting his specific emotional needs, he is going to find them elsewhere. That goes for anyone, not just him. The success comes with communicating like adults and his personality disorder could make it very difficult for him to express them to you. Counseling may give him a person to begin opening up to, then eventually he might be forthcoming with you.

Acting like a SOB and deliberately hurting you, of making it your fault, is his way of justifying his cheating. He could actually be feeling very guilty and want things to be better with you.

I second that...

As I've said, never put up with a cheater... they will do it again

Why let someone have your heart when they do not treasure it...

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

Well, the problem with sticking with a serial cheater isn't just a matter of the damage that their extramarital activities are doing on the relationship. It also puts you at tremendous risk for developing some form of STD. Keep that in mind when it comes to the nookie, especially if you're planning on eventually leaving the guy anyways.

I survived a pretty abusive and hostile situation for almost 2 years in a rather extreme case of domestic abuse. I don't like talking about it. It was that bad. I managed to survive though and this is what I did. Like you, I was terribly isolated and when I attempted to reach out to my family, I got shut down.

That said, here's what I did to withstand what I went through:

1. Live day by day. Don't think about yesterday. Don't think about today. Each day is its own day and the things you do or have occur in that day only happen on that day. The hazard to this is that you can develop a permanent day by day attitude, which can backfire tremendously. However, in an extreme situation, it may be the one way to survive.

2. Disavow yourself from his actions. You don't own his problems. He does. If he says something to you that is hurtful, counter them internally immediately and remind yourself that he has significant issues, is probably nuttier than a cashew processing plant, and ergo, his opinions aren't relevant. If he cheats, it's his problem--not yours. If he screams and yells at you for being stupid, remind yourself of who is the one lashing out like an idiot at the person he's supposed to love. Hopefully you get the picture.

3. Remind yourself daily of your exit plan. My daily routine was sifting through his pockets in the laundry to see if he'd left any cash inside. Mind you, I had maybe $40 by the time I managed to make my grand escape but the act of working towards that day of him not being in my life sustained me. Keep your eyes on the prize. Do what you need to do to get to that prize.

4. Find things that take your mind off your circumstance and make you feel happy. I ran around in a game doing good deeds for random strangers. Sounds silly but I ended up making lots of friends when I was in a terribly isolated position, too, and just having other people being a voice in my life--even online--was really helpful. I'm still friends with many of them even though I stopped playing the game years ago. Win-win.

5. Remind yourself every day of the good things about yourself. Don't use his words ever as a frame for how you view yourself. Your opinions are important. Your feelings are important. You deserve better. Don't ever forget those things and again--make it a daily mantra.

6. Disengage--your life is your own and you are DONE with him. Maybe not in body as you're still stuck there with him but in spirit--absolutely.

I truly hope this helps and I truly hope that you get away from that guy.

PS. I want to add that I am free now. You can do it.

originally posted by: EVOL88
a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx


The Mind Is The Source Of All Happiness And Unhappiness

This is true. Both people in a relationship have got to WANT to be happy. One cannot carry the weight of both.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

it was a joke...take a deep breath...everything is going to be ok....take another breath

marriage is a #ing joke...there is no reason for people to get married...its an invented idea and abused...

if someone stays together forever then great but wtf do we have laws for marriage....one of the stupidest thing society has ever come up with.

i myself have chosen to remain single after the last set of relationships...they cause more pain than pleasure...now i can go on whatever date i want and have as many friends as i want...and can be free...

a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

Sounds like you are reliant on him for your happiness, instead be happy and share that with others. No matter what other decisions you make regarding your relationship, creating your own happiness/zen state of mind will carry you through. Best of wishes in all that you do.

a reply to: WhiteAlice

Her situation is not your situation. Your experience does not fit everyone. While I use my own experiences as examples, I am using the books that I read, written by a 30-year expert in the field of psychology and marriage counseling as my source of advice.

In your reply, you blamed all of your problems on your ex husband, and considered yourself to be the victim. Did you do anything to contribute to the problem? How would you know?

originally posted by: QuietSpeech
a reply to: JessicaRabbitTx

Sounds like you are reliant on him for your happiness, instead be happy and share that with others. No matter what other decisions you make regarding your relationship, creating your own happiness/zen state of mind will carry you through. Best of wishes in all that you do.

I told my ex wife the same thing, and it is bad advice. People rely on their partner to fulfill their emotional needs to be happy. If your needs are not met, you will be unhappy, and it is up to your partner to meet them. it is the "work" that comes with relationships after the honeymoon is over.

Your advice is good for one's own benefit, but does not address the relationship dynamic.

originally posted by: Akragon
I second that...

As I've said, never put up with a cheater... they will do it again

Why let someone have your heart when they do not treasure it...

Not true. People don't address their problems and continue to make the same mistakes. The cheating will stop when the problems are addressed.




Not always, but usually.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

Your advice is good for one's own benefit, but does not address the relationship dynamic.

You are right, I was giving JessicaRabbitTx the only solid advice I could, I'm not a marriage counselor. If she takes that advice and it results in her increased happiness regardless of her relationship/status, I call that a win.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

This person has already proven that he does not deserve her by betraying her in the first place.... Especially if they have children....

She needs to ditch the trash and find a real man...