A daughter has lost faith in her dad............I thought I knew what pain was

cody599
reply to post by DarthFazer

 

I appreciate your input and very much see your point
It isn't an option to fly out to see her because as soon as I
land I will be arrested, call it a present from my ex wife.

Every time finances have allowed I've offered to pay
for flights, but her mother has forbidden her to come

Sperm donor ?
The last time I heard that was from my ex wife. It still hurts
to this day. But the truth is the truth.

It doesn't however lessen my love for my daughter

Cody

Well it's heart breaking I feel for ya. Things happen for a reason though and perhaps when she really does grow up maybe and I'd probably bet on it she will reflect on it again. By this time she will be able to be a bit more critical in forming a opinion and had moved away out out of moms house. And then she will second guess everything her mother has said and likely feel guilt herself. She will be an adult and her mother will not always hold dominion over her. At her age now kids lash out at parents and often say things they don't really mean. And when she becomes a mother one day she will then be know what it's like and maybe see things differently. A lot can happen by then as we'll. She will probably seek you out at some point in the future. I've seen that happen with other people. I guess all you can do is stand firm and remind her of the situation and express your feelings and tell her you will be there waiting. Best of luck.

spartacus699
No way, trust me, don't beat yourself up at all. Kids that age are so irrational, so unpredictable, so immature, naive and stupid that you can't take anything they say seriously. One day they want to be an astronaught, the next day a gymnist. One day your'e hitler to them, the next mother terrisa. Like come on get real. When I was that age I got made and told my dad to go F himself, even though he was an awsome dad!. This stuff happens all the time, so to take it to heart is really dumb. They say things they don't mean, they do thigns they don't mean, like it goes with the age. My sister took off and she wasn't that much older than your daughter, again for no good reason. Basically told everyone she wants nothing to do with family what so ever, even though we love her and supported her so much. Like at that age it's just endless BS and drama, that to take any of it seriously is stupid. All it is is just one growing phase after another. They're so irrational. So don't take any of it to heart okay, relax, give it a week or two and she'll be saying sorry I'm sure. That and she has a lot of growing up to do, as she obviously doesn't know what being responsible is yet. I seriously wouldn't worry about it. Kids that age are so naive they say anything. Like you're the dad, they owe you respect and graditude, and it's not your job to jump and panic just because they got pms. Like come on, they owe you respect, and if they don't give you respect and love they have a lot of growing up to do. So trust me stop jumping everytime they have an issue. It's not your job to rescue them everytime they get themselves into trouble. They ahve to learn to be responsible and not put all there drama and emotional baggage on your shoulders. Where's the respect you deserve, that's not right. So I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, it's just pms anyway.

edit on 21-11-2013 by spartacus699 because: (no reason given)

. I agree 100 percent! You nailed it, yes she will ask questions I'm sure and her mothers veil of propaganda will eventually wear thin. And so true how children are irrational at this stage. Like I said I'm getting that disrespect from my daughter at times as we'll. Well because when I was her age it did it to my mother and now I'm paying for it. But it's a phase , it will come to pass. OP will get through it I'm sure.

Just to add to what I was saying before. One thing I realized over the last few months is simply, the next time someone says "boo" to me, I'm not gonna overreact. Not a chance. Doesn't matter how bad the news, or the threat or whatever, if they say boo, I'm gonna act as if everything is 100% ah okay. Because that's what always happens. People come up with some hairbrained notions, acusations, threats, confrontations, drama, or whatever, they spring it on you "boo" and they expect you to jump like a little girly beatch! No way, get real. That's rediculous. If someone says "boo", just ignore them. Or tell them to frack off. I can't believe the volume of idiots out there who's job it is is to say boo. Most of them work for tptb. They're total and complete morons. Someones says boo, say frack off!

I know your pain -- been there. There is nothing worse than the loss of a child and the loss of a child's love --nothing. I am sure that she still loves you. I really feel for you. It's a depth of pain that is unimaginable. An estrangement is the loss of a child without the funeral and support of the community. Your description of the pain couldn't be more accurate. However, I think it's temporary.

Many years ago, when my daughter was 17, she went to live with her girlfriend and family 2 miles away from our home because she said I didn't care about her. I doted over her, gave her everything she needed, provided well, and so on. At the time she was hanging out with kids who were disrespectful to teachers and parents. Once she got way from them she came back to me. I didn't pressure her, I let her self-conclude they weren't right for her. Their friends/peers have an enormous influence over them, and unfortunately it's a case of 'the blind leading the blind.' So, be aware that this might not be all of your ex's doing.

When my daughter returned home 4 months later I was overjoyed. I didn't launch into my pain, "Do you have any idea what you've done to me -- the pain you have caused me?" because that evokes anger and pushes them further away. She learned 'the grass isn't greener on the other side', as her girlfriends parents had also imposed house rules -- chores, curfews, etc. For the next 15 years we were closer than ever.

They are in a very different place in their life than their parents, and at that age, the teen years, they only care about themselves. They are also unpredictable ...just as the previous poster said, "One day they want to be an Astronaut and the next day a Gymnast." One day they are never getting married and having kids and the next day they are looking at pictures of wedding gowns. The decisions they make during their teen years are not permanent -- they change their mind with their moods.

The tiny and specific part of the brain that regulates impulse and controls emotions/empathy is not fully matured/developed until the mid-20''s, usually between 24 and 25, and as late as 26 years of age... however we start noticing a shift, along with positive changes in the early 20's.

The point is, with limited empathy, she cannot relate to your depth of pain and feelings, only her own pain and feelings -- aside from her not being a parent herself. As she matures I think she will become aware of your pain and will need you more than ever.

Being a fatherless daughter is painful and is not a comfort zone for any girl/woman.

If you can get a message to her somehow, one that validates her feelings ..."I understand how you must feel -- anyone would feel badly if that (fill in the blank) happened to them and if they thought their father (fill in the blank)"... type of validating message, along with something like... "Sometimes things appear a certain way, but sometimes our perception is not the reality." But, be careful here that you don't illicit a "Oh, so now I'm crazy and imagining stuff" type of response. They are very, very touchy at this age.

One of the biggest problems is that with their limited empathic capacity they have difficulty sorting out fact/truth versus lies/distortions. Also, as you know, it's impossible to love someone and want to be with someone whom we do not trust and respect --- without trust and respect their cannot be love.

So, you'll want to re-gain both her trust and respect, which is easier said than done when we are dealing with someone who is not seeing the truth and who is believing in lies and distortions --the source/root of the problem here is mostly that her decision isn't based on truth and fact -- she is reacting off of lies and distortions, and as an unfortunate result, may not trust or respect you. But, perceptions can change.

On a personal note -- my daughter is now an adult and married a toxic bully a few years ago. He has isolated her from family. She estranged herself from me 2 years ago at age 33, and it still stings real bad. After we reunited when she had turned 18 and came back home we became even closer and did everything together... until he suddenly came along 5 years ago. So, I know your pain firsthand -- been there twice.

I believe because of your daughter's age she will be back when she is ready. Have faith.

You don't want to view this as a punishment, but as a lesson, only you can figure out what that is. Perhaps when you reunite (and I think that will happen) it will bring you even closer and strengthen the father/daughter bond. But, I seriously doubt that she will never contact you again. A 17 year-old does not typically make a major life-changing/altering decision that is permanent. As they mature they start seeing things differently and change their mind quite frequently -- trust she'll be back. All the best ~JANA

reply to post by Jana12


Jana

Thank you so much for your reply, it was intelligent and personal and very much appreciated.

I got home from work about an hour ago and as is my routine scanned my emails etc. to come across one from an email address I didn't recognise. The title was "Dear sir from Lianne's boyfriend"

I nearly fell off my chair,

I won't copy and paste as it is personal to him and I must respect that. He basically says that she is angry and confused and if I would like he will take her aside and explain why I left.
He says that she spent a long time thinking about this before telling me. But to please try and stay in touch and he will try to encourage her to respond eventually.

He finishes with "You don't me sir but I love your daughter very much and her pain hurts me, I would like to help heal that"

I think she's in safe hands.

I want to buy that young man a drink and shake his hand.

Cody

Slowly work your way back in. Beg for her trust then back it up. Dont send checks, or money. Just be there as much as she will allow. Once you work your way back in and she is comfortable with being your daughter again, suprise her for her B day, or just because, and fly out to see her. Bring flowers too.

Time Cody. Time.
You are her father and there is a connection there even with distance and/or her feelings of abandonment. AS they say, timing is everything. She doesnt need excuses or all of that nonsense. Just the knowledge and real internal confirmation that her father loves her and has made mistakes.. and is there NOW. The present time.
I read this a long time ago and have thought on it before I responded... meddling in folks lives and matters of the heart are scary for me as I am terrible at it.. but I like you just from some things Ive read from you.
so here it goes.. with much thought : when the time presents itself... send her a ticket or show up on her doorstep. For you sending her a ticket sounds more rational. Ive tried a whole lot over my lifetime to force things I want and it never works. My biggest struggle has been with time and patience. I think its a pretty common struggle.. particularly in matters of the heart. You have to ride the time and look for opportunities when they surface. Might be her 18th bday into adulthood. Might be any number of things. Watch for it.

Much luck to you.. from one parent to another.

reply to post by cody599


Damn. That is hard to read.

Wire transfer the money to her. That'll be an instant effect. From there....can't help you. I have no experience in what you describe, as my life took different turns along the way.

Good luck....and love hard.

reply to post by Tylerdurden1

suprise her for her B day, or just because, and fly out to see her

It isn't an option to fly out to see her because as soon as I
land I will be arrested, call it a present from my ex wife.

Every time finances have allowed I've offered to pay
for flights, but her mother has forbidden her to come

If only
It'll come right, it just needs time and patience
Cody

reply to post by Advantage

AS they say, timing is everything. She doesnt need excuses or all of that nonsense. Just the knowledge and real internal confirmation that her father loves her and has made mistakes.

Nailed it right there Advantage
I've made mistakes, no excuses, and no apology for trying.

Cody

reply to post by bigfatfurrytexan


BFFT

When I think of members that I respect the most, you are right up there.

Love hard I have, do, and will continue to do so

No advice is sometimes the best

Thanks my friend

Cody

reply to post by cody599


Dear Cody - so glad to hear you're doing so much better.

Your daughter's boyfriend sounds like a gem! With this man that she loves in her life, working to get the two of you together, she will listen to what he has to say and the wisdom of his words will sink into her heart. She'll be doing some heavy thinking. I'm not saying she will change her mind BUT her mind will assess everything in a more mature and reasonable mindset. Love grows love and this fills my heart with incredible hope for you both. This is just the most terrific news.

This young man sounds like a an angel.

Keep your chin up and keep smiling!

reply to post by DarthFazer


thanks. kids will be kids. Can't expect them to act like adults either. Just rarely happens.

boo!!!

reply to post by ccseagull


Thanks ccseagull

He certainly seems to have his head screwed on, and my daughter's best interests at heart.

Like I said she seems to be in very good hands and for that I am grateful, time will tell what she decides and I'm currently writing her a letter, hand written, which I will post to him so that her mother is out of the equation.

We'll see

Cody

What a wonderful boyfriend your daughter has! I just know that things will all fall into place for you, it will just take time. I strongly believe this.

reply to post by cody599


Cody you nugget head...

Why didn't you give me a call when this happened?

You know that i will have a great big shoulder for you and a patient listening ear when you need them.

Stay strong mate and be patient, only good things will come out of what is happening between yourself and your daughter.

Warmest respects

Rod

reply to post by Night Star


Thanks Night Star
It still hurts but time will tell
Cody

reply to post by Rodinus


I know Rod

and I appreciate you being there
I was too messed up to talk mate I needed to process
it all.
Cody

cody599
reply to post by Rodinus

 

I know Rod

and I appreciate you being there
I was too messed up to talk mate I needed to process
it all.
Cody

Understood deeply and respected mate.

Warmest

Rod