A daughter has lost faith in her dad............I thought I knew what pain was

Hi guys

This is hard for me to write, I'm still processing it.

I got a message from my daughter today telling me she doesn't want me in her life any more. I immediately asked my boss for the day off to try and sort it out.

A message was sent back to her saying I'm leaving work and will call you as soon as possible. Don't ever think I don't care.

The message I got back was

I do think you don't care. You never showed me better.

She is 17 now, I haven't seen her for 10 years and lost touch for a very long time, recently however events transpired that damn near killed my ex wife (snake bite) and I was straight on the phone trying to make sure the kids were safe.

I was prepared to fly out and do whatever it took to make sure my kids were supported both financially and more importantly emotionally.

My daughter assured me that the family were all mucking in to support them and there was no reason for me to fly out. But could I help out financially whilst my ex was recovering ? Well that's a duh moment, of course I would.

I sent a cheque and it never turned up. I have no proof that I sent it apart from my word.

My word is worth gold amongst those that know me, unfortunately my daughter and I were just getting to be a part of each others lives again finally. The cheque is in the post just doesn't cut it.

My little girl lost faith in her dad, you can kick me in the nuts for the rest of my life, and the pain wouldn't even register compared to this.

It's an ice knife in my heart

How do I regain her trust ?

She is 17. She will grow to accept how important a father is. You done what you can.

Seek her out and talk to her. Let her now that you DO care and are there for her and she CAN rely on you when needed. I wish you good luck!

reply to post by cody599


You may never regain the trust that you once had but such is life .It's like being forgiven or forgiving someone .A hard pill to take and a hard burden on the heart to shake .She may just end up being your daughter and friend in the end but the trust thing may always be shaky .One day at a time . It's your daughter and you will always love her no matter what ...peace

reply to post by cody599


How bout lets start by canceling the previous check and get another in the mail today...next day priority. That goes a long way. You could also maybe try to write out how your feeling. I know when I don't wanna hear what someone has to say or don't care anymore because I'm angry I still tend to read a note or letter fully where I would usually do all in my power to not hear them in person. I do this with my ol' lady when things get really bad and it works with her too. Aside from that if you are truly sincere about being her dad nothing in heaven or earth should stop you. Also the 17-25 ages tend to be a time of great learning and maturing by about 25 she will act like a completely different girl...trust me.

reply to post by cody599


Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to reason with a 17 year old girl. Keep at it and show her you are a great man, if not a great father (in her eyes) and she will eventually realize it. If you are anything in real life like you are on here, you have nothing to worry about. I am having a similar situation happen to me and while it kills you, you just have to keep reinforcing to them that you will be there for them and that you love them.

Take care

reply to post by cody599


I'm not a father, so I can't advice you much from a parental perspective.

I do understand a few things about relationships and people though, and that is people tend to sometimes act very emotionally from the moment without really considering the future implications of their actions. And emotions can change from one end to another within moments, especially when we deal with family (just remember how you used swift from hating to loving YOUR parents).

That means, "never wanna see you again" is what she is currently feeling. It is a temporary emotion, derived from a moment of anger/frustration/etc. It doesn't mean she really doesn't wanna see you again, even if she said so and really meant it, things are always changing and i'm sure she will feel she misses her real biological father and would like to get to know him better, if not now than in the future (17 is really a difficult age, full of dramas too).

So please try to be patient with this, and feel when is your chances to get closer to her.

And if you feel like you wish to do something about it now, fly out to her. Even for a few days, try to get involved and take care of her. Be around her and support her with everything you can, show her your love to her and that you care for her. And even if she wouldn't accept it, deep inside in her subconscious mind she will know you were trying hard and that you love her, she will appreciate it one day and would like to get in touch with you again.

My 0.02$, I hope things would work out for you and your daughter! best of luck!

reply to post by cody599


As a father, I feel for you.

But I'd like to leave you with this quote from Mark Twain.

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.”

Be patient. She'll come around.

Time, Cody... Nothing but time. No grand gestures or big moves will make any difference, in my opinion as both a Son and Father myself, with an interesting past for this line of thought.

Steady and meaningful action over time ...with little to nothing likely returned for a long time, too. In time, I think she'll come around, but on her time...not yours. That'll make it even harder, I'd imagine ..but nothing else for it.

That's my two cents worth.

I'm sure that the ten years that you havn't seen her is a huge part of her resentment. I don't know what happened there, but if it wasn't your fault, does she know that? I'm sure there will be a lot of drama, but keep giving her all your love and support no matter what. Eventually she will learn to trust again.

reply to post by cody599


I know these are only words, but when my first wife and i divorced 23 years ago, my daughter has neither seen or spoken with me since. This is one of the sad consequence of divorce.
I can feel your pain. It does get better with time to some extent.

I think she would come to change her mind if you were to deliver that cheque in person Cody. Have you thought about going there?

She is resentful of your long absence and is hurting. What child wouldn't be?

What is keeping you from making a concrete positive statement in person? Not judging you, but children need to know parents really care, not with words but action. Money is not the most important thing. Her identity is damaged and you can do a lot to repair it as well as your relationship with your kids.

I hope you will seriously consider getting on a plane and going to them.

I've had a very awkward phone call.

I had it all organised in my head, but when she answered, my guts knotted up, and it all went out he window.

Lianne was on the bus on the way home, I've promised to call back when she gets home, about an hour from now.

Thanks for your support, I'm going to make the most important call of my life soon. Now I'm battling with myself, do I tell her the truth of why I left ? Over the phone ? It just doesn't feel right, she deserves more than that.

I just don't know.

reply to post by cody599


I can't imagine what pain & sorrow you must be going through. The love of your own flesh & blood is most often the greatest piece of health & wealth on earth.

Please cater to her now in every way now that you are able: emotionally, financially, physically, & socially. At her still tender age, actions speak much louder than words.

Although my stepson is a bit younger than your daughter, he is going though very drastic times. I'm afraid this is due to divorce/ visit circumstances & our (his other) family. My husband is going through very emotional times right now.

Love is all we need in these circumstances...we must persist with Love.

PM if you'd like to talk more specifically...

Sincerely,
Watches

I've made the call

I've lost my daughter.

But I'm a proud father, my daughter is an intelligent young lady, with a strong will she is willing to back up, with intelligent thoughts and nothing but hope that I don't lose my son as well.

Damn I'm proud

If you'll forgive me I need to cry

Cody

aboutface
I think she would come to change her mind if you were to deliver that cheque in person Cody. Have you thought about going there?

She is resentful of your long absence and is hurting. What child wouldn't be?

What is keeping you from making a concrete positive statement in person? Not judging you, but children need to know parents really care, not with words but action. Money is not the most important thing. Her identity is damaged and you can do a lot to repair it as well as your relationship with your kids.

I hope you will seriously consider getting on a plane and going to them.

Cody, if I were you I would take aboutface's advice.

My brother in law hadn't seen his father for 20 years (His mother left with him and his sister when they were teenagers, because of his aggressive behavior.). He always swore that he never wanted to see his father again. Until 2 years ago, when his father showed up at the front door with nothing to give but his presence.

It took time for him to allow a bond again, but gradually they have become close again.

And something you might want to focus on: BE the reunion you want to see with your daughter.

I wish you the strength to do what you have to do, which only you know.

soulwaxer

cody599
I've lost my daughter.

reply to post by soulwaxer


Right now I'm a bit messed up, my emotions are raw

But hope springs eternal, maybe, just maybe, I can fix this with time.

For now I need to take a step back and let her live her life.

I'll still be here to love her and pick up the pieces, even if she doesn't realise it yet.

One day she will.

I hope

reply to post by cody599


Why don't you go see her face to face? She could see your pain. That speaks much more than words.

cody599
reply to post by soulwaxer

 

Right now I'm a bit messed up, my emotions are raw

But hope springs eternal, maybe, just maybe, I can fix this with time.

For now I need to take a step back and let her live her life.

I'll still be here to love her and pick up the pieces, even if she doesn't realise it yet.

One day she will.

I hope

We all die many little deaths during our lifetime, and each one makes us a better man.

In relation to the raw emotions and being a bit messed up right now, that's just a normal phase that will take you to the next level.

From how and what you write, I have a very strong feeling that she will come round sooner than you think.

soulwaxer