5 myths about polyamory debunked

I don't see anything wrong with it as an adult choice.
I also don't think polygamy is immediately sexist or abusive, and a lot of abuse also happens in monogamy.
To the contrary, groups of wives have been known to team up legally or even physically against abusive husbands.

Our President, Jacob Zuma, has four current wives, and in SA it's legal under the customary marriages act.

reply to post by halfoldman


That's interesting. But I was talking about polyamory. Not marriage with multiple women. But yeah I know what you're saying and I can respect that.

reply to post by Phoenix267

OK, just checked out the dictionary.
That's fine as well, although over here with the high HIV rates I'm not sure I would actively promote it.
But there are many responsible adults...I hope.

In practice I think it happens a lot because in traditional culture the bride-price is very expensive, and many educated women can support themselves.

So one finds especially older men seeking out relationships with poor younger women, and in return the girls get groceries, clothes and so forth.
It's called transactional sex.

These girls also have boyfriends, and they could be dating several sugar-daddies.
Eventually one or more will pay for the girls to go to university.
These are long-term relationships, and rarely hidden.

It has certainly put women through college, but one can imagine that HIV could rapidly spread in such concurrent relationships.

It's like a mixture of traditional and modern culture, with the stability of neither.
Condom use is very low in such relationships, since the partners both consider it a long-term relationship.

reply to post by halfoldman


A few of the links I included in earlier post discuss STD's in relationships with multiple partners like Polyamory. Regardless of what relationship you're looking for in life. It's good to get checked and make sure your sexual partner is clean. Because if you do not know then there is a chance your sexual partner can carry a disease.

In the United States is a very big part of culture. Our media and everything in life revels around sex and attracting people. So there is a chance people would not get themselves and make sure their partners are checked out before having sex. There are millions of people here. Which I believe a small percent of known people have STD's. But there are still many out there people do not know about.

Which can play a bad part in relationships and even having a family. Hopefully people would listen to reason and make sure everything is in check for blastoff.

I had a friend who was in a community where polyamory was happening as a common way of handling relationships. She realized that it was extremely hard for her, as the guy she was falling in love with, was saying all those same things to his other girlfriends, was sharing the same intimacies and also, she didn't really know who his other girls were seeing, either, as they were also free to have multiple partners.

It made it feel risky from a health standpoint (as she was sleeping with an extended circle, in reality, if she were to be with him), and struck a strange emotional chord with her: she was not uniquely desired, only one of several in a harem, or like a chocolate in a box (savored until he picked up the next one).

And who benefited from this the most? Was she emotionally satisfied? Was she getting sincerity, even? What if something happened to her and she needed a partner's support - an extended illness or a bad accident, or even stupid life stuff, like needing a ride somewhere or a hand with painting the bathroom, etc.

And if things became at all challenging, would he bother sticking around to work through it, or would he simply and blithely "move on" to where the grass looked greener and better daisies were growing with a "thanks for sharing your beauty and your soul with me..." It made her feel very very alone.

And what about a pregnancy, accidental as it would be? Would he step up and be a 'dad' to his child? Doubtful, as that would mean having to supply extra time, resources, love and care and the work of parenting to her and their child.

It was, for her, a revelation that, in this particular situation, his desire for polyamory was based not so much in his politics and an honest rebelling against society's definitions of what "should" be, but in a Peter Pan-esque bid to never grow up, never face problems in relationships, and sow his seed wherever he liked (and with whomever he could convince that this was ok.)

Emotional maturity is often earned through that dreaded word, "commitment," (yes, I can see some of you shuddering), where one digs in and faces the tests and triumphs of life with another human being. However, if all you have known is the ugly side of relationships, through your own family, the idea of this is not very convincing? The thought of a traditional relationship, and the intensity of life experience it can bring, might seem extraordinarily risky?? I can see where it would be a struggle to want what has looked like a huge negative.

Now, OP, I'm absolutely not trying to put all this onto you, as I don't personally know you or your intentions - this was just one person's venture into that world. I just thought my friend's experience would be relevant and pose some real-life thoughts about the subject. Not judging here (as I did not judge my friend), as that is not where I come from, and I have no problem with adults making whatever choices they mutually agree upon for themselves.

peace,
AB

reply to post by AboveBoard


Thanks for the reply. I understand there is criticism for polyamory and various people have had bad experiences. Relationships like polyamory is not for everyone and it's sad to have heartaches. But this is the common story in any relationship.

My intentions are very different and I cannot see myself as any men who are childish and refuse to have a respectful relationship with any woman. Seeing them only as reproductive machines. If I wanted to do that I would donate my sperm.

For any relationship to work the people have to have both self respect and respect for each other. Imagine a couple who looked happy on the outside, but on the inside they were unhappy. Regardless of the type of relationship people need to be mature.

As I mentioned before I have seen my share of bad relationships with people and I have even been in bad relationships with women. Did I learn anything from my experiences? Yes! That's what I'm thankful for because I learn what I want and how I can also respect the future women I would date.

Polyamory just happens to be more attractive to me and I believe a healthy happy family can live a normal life. If there is such a thing as a normal life.

reply to post by AboveBoard

Spendid response, AboveBoard.

In Phoenix267's reply, he announces that he is a respectful man who will treat his multiple women well. I have no doubt that he is sincere, but he dodges the thrust of your argument which seems to be that life happens.

But life does occur. And in your (very likely) scenarios, he provides no very convincing answer to the questions you raise. And there are other such situations. (I posted a few earlier.) The theory is lovely, as is a peaceful, non-corrupt Utopia with everyone working their tails off for the good of the State. Unfortunately, that Utopia didn't arrive either, because life happens and people are only, after all, people.

reply to post by charles1952


Sorry if I do not good at proof reading. I'm more of a big picture type of person and I never explain my replies properly. Anyhow I agree life does happen but I think it's the people in the relationship. The people who want a relationship have to make it work and build it on trust and respect. If we can do that then we can have a happy life to enjoy. But if we do not life would not be blessed and feel liked you're cursed. Hopefully this make sense.

Originally posted by Phoenix267
I have always been interested in polyamory. The idea of that type of relationship fascinates me to the point I would enjoy to have that type of relationship in the future. So far I have purchased numerous books, watched various videos, etc. Hopefully you can picture what I'm talking about here. I recently found an article about 5 myths of polyamory and how it debunks the myths. I thought it was interesting enough to share.

I would like to see what other members think of this list and also hear their own opinions about polyamory.
Link

I didnt read the article or the 5 myths .. and I dont need to.

Somebody told me a long time ago that this is 'MY LIFE' and to live it the way that I want to. As long as I dont intentionally hurt anyone else during my path.

"Do you want to be with one woman or three ? Do you want other men involved ? Do you want to be alone ? Do you want to get married and have 3 kids and 2 dogs with a white picket fence ? If you feel that your unsure then try them out. Date a black person .. date a Hispanic or Asian .. have a threesome if thats something that you might want.".

To each his/her own self be true is how I live. I have my life and my choices ( and consequences ).

Just remember Phoenix that some of the posters might have a sugar coated life and cant remember a time that they would put 10 years into a devoted relationship/home with 2 children just to have it torn apart Instantly for no logical reason whatsoever.

Also remember that Everyone changes day to day and year to year. Things that work for you now might now work for you later down the road.

Keep Personal things Personal .. and private things Private. If you like to share personal things ( on FB or something ) thats cool if you want. .. But keep private things Private. Dont talk about them to others outside your circle .. dont post them in any format on the net. If you like get a thumb drive and keep your secrets/personals to yourself and others that you share thoughts and experiences with.

JG.

reply to post by Phoenix267


You are free to do as you will, Phoenix. I wasn't trying to cookie cutter someone else's experience onto you or your intentions, just sharing how it had not worked for one individual and why. Your life is yours to live and I don't need to convince you of anything, nor do I want to moralize it for you - it is private.

peace to you,

AB

ETA: I would not be fair without saying that sometimes the most emotionally mature thing someone can do is move on from a relationship - I realized I had not made that point...

Just bumping my thoughts from a previous thread:

Originally posted by Druid42
I subscribed to this thread as soon as I saw it, yet wondered if it would get moved to RATS or 404'd, so I waited to comment.

Polyamory is not the same as Polygamy. Polygamy is illegal, and denotes being "married" to more than one person. Sadly enough, modern society is based upon monogamy, and it's all we are taught. Anything outside of our realm of understanding is often labeled as taboo, and forbidden to explore.

I'll have to toss in 5 myths about Polyamory, without getting too personally vested in the topic, because I believe in the freedom to explore alternative lifestyles. People who have spent time in the BDSM community have a better understanding of exploring human nature, and I offer the most sincere respect to those who uphold the "Vanilla" aspect of society at large.

SOURCE.

Myth #1: Poly people are unsatisfied

it's natural to assume there's something missing from their romance. But that doesn't appear to be the case for polyamorous individuals.

It's actually an addition to a relationship. Society deems a relationship is between two people, so it's actually a foreign concept to most to incorporate more than one other partner. Confusing? Most polys are highly intelligent, and are able to comprehend the complexity, and actually embrace it.

Myth #2: Polyamorous people are still paired up

But the primary partner/secondary partner model is an oversimplification for many poly relationships, said Bjarne Holmes, a psychologist at Champlain College in Vermont.

It's not just about sex. It's about living life together, being in a relationship, and sharing life ups and downs with others that you trust. A tri or quad income definitely has it's benefits when paying bills. Sex is just a primal need that gets resolved naturally. I'll interject that jealousy is resolved through intelligent discourse amongst members.

Myth #3: Polyamory is a way to avoid commitment

successful polyamorous partners communicate relentlessly, Holmes said: "They communicate to death." It's the only way to ensure that everyone's needs are met and no one is feeling jealous or left out in a relationship that involves many people.

Communication is the key in any monogamous relationship, and even more so in a poly arrangement. You don't hide feelings or withhold resentment. You get it out on the floor, speak your mind, and the issue is resolved. Imagine Politics in which everyone could agree with one another.

Myth #4: Polyamory is exhausting

Polyamorous people report feeling energized by their multiple relationships and say that good feelings in one translate to good feelings in others.

It's complicated, but refreshing. There's mental exercise, planning, but nothing that's not experienced in a monogamous relationship.

Myth #5: Polyamory is bad for the kids

But some early research is suggesting that polyamory doesn't have to have a bad impact on the kids. Sheff has interviewed more than 100 members of polyamorous families, including about two dozen children of polyamorous parents ranging in age from 5 to 17 years old.

What's bad for the kids is the peer review. It's the same sort of bias experienced when kids have Gay parents. There's a certain social stigma involved, unfortunately, for anything that deviates from the norm. It's why Poly relationships are very low key, and not advertised openly in the local paper. As far as Society is concerned, it's almost as "bad" as being in a homosexual relationship. Taboo.

Further research.
And a reputable read.

Just be prepared to do a lot of scheduling, as time management seems to be one of the biggest headaches in open relationships.

I guess it's each to there own. And if that's what you fancy trying, Then good luck to you. I wonder how many people have regretted jumping into this kind of relationship though?. A hell of a lot i imagine!. Definitely not for me though im afraid. I just can't imagine this type of relationship making me happy at all. Just leading to more complications down the line

reply to post by Druid42


Wow, the irony is in there. I cannot believe I forgot I posted that thread. Sorry for no checking to see my previous post.

I'll further my thoughts a bit more:

Traditional Abrahamic faiths tend to reinforce a single male/female relationship. In reality, there are many successful male/male and female/female relationships. There are also many successful male/male/female and female/female/male relationships as well, but it's not something you hear about on MSM, because it's a private lifestyle.

People who engage in such lifestyles know the stigma behind their living situations, and remain "in the closet". They don't "come out" and proclaim how great it is, because it is against societal norms.

Such a lifestyle DOES NOT work for those who are close minded, nor for those who are strongly attached to religious principles. In such stereotypes, it's beyond comprehension. It's almost abhorrent.

I will stress that polyamorous relationships ONLY work for highly intelligent, rational individuals, those who understand the dynamics behind such a controversial lifestyle, and they are just fine with that.

There's a lot less pettiness, a lot less conflict, and more agreement in how to proceed through life. The biggest essential in a polyamorous group is the ability to communicate, and you'll find that those involved in such lifestyles are great communicators, able to express themselves, and able to rationally respect other member's feelings.

One of the major reasons the divorce rate in the US is over 60%? The lack of the ability to properly communicate.

I have lived where poygamy was legal and the norm for upper middle class families. I am aware that it is a separate institution, but it isn't totally irrelevant.

One thing about polygamy is that the co-spouses are not equal. There is always a "head wife," usually the first, who does less of the hauling water and chopping firewood, and who has preferential access to The Man.

One might be tempted to assume that such relationships are heirarchical because their hosting societies are themselves hierarchical. But Mormon sister-wives in the US report the same phenomenon. Of course, such illegal family-units must withdraw from the larger, nominally democratic culture; but when they do, they construct hierarchical societies.

Will it bother you, as the "Abraham", to see your various loves struggling to assert their dominance over each other? Just like in the Biblical story, polygamous societies bear witness to the various wives proclivities for asserting the rights of "their" offspring, against the other children in the marriage.

I know that you believe polyamory to be fundamentally different from polygamy; how will you avoid the hierarchic struggles of the other institution? Or perhaps your are not bothered by hierarchy among your loves?

thanks.

reply to post by tovenar

I have lived where poygamy was legal and the norm for upper middle class families. I am aware that it is a separate institution, but it isn't totally irrelevant.

I know there are various poly type families in different economic classes. This reminds me of a time when someone brought up the topic of polygamy said only rich men should be able to have polygamist relationships. I can understand where he's coming from because money is very important in relationships. Don't date someone who would use you for your money. But you must be able to pay bills, buy food, etc. Which makes everything more complicated in having relationships with people and having a family down the line.

One thing about polygamy is that the co-spouses are not equal. There is always a "head wife," usually the first, who does less of the hauling water and chopping firewood, and who has preferential access to The Man.

I'm one of those men who is not afraid in helping out with household chores and making everyone feel equal. Where their voices can be heard. I'm concerned for anyone who doesn't respect their family. Because it feels like your nothing. I come from a family who has a lot of hard times. Now I know why I have always been attractive to individualism. Because if you want to make something happen you have to go for it yourself. When you have friends or family you all should help each other. You can get everything done quicker through teamwork.

One might be tempted to assume that such relationships are hierarchical because their hosting societies are themselves hierarchical. But Mormon sister-wives in the US report the same phenomenon. Of course, such illegal family-units must withdraw from the larger, nominally democratic culture; but when they do, they construct hierarchical societies.

I know there are various communities of polygamist people. Like Amish communities and I wouldn't be surprised people wanted power and influence. It's in our nature. But I disagree with that because it feels like you have to be always having people kissing your feet.

Will it bother you, as the "Abraham", to see your various loves struggling to assert their dominance over each other? Just like in the Biblical story, polygamous societies bear witness to the various wives proclivities for asserting the rights of "their" offspring, against the other children in the marriage.

Humans are weird animals. By nature we're competitive. I recall reading an article about human psychology that the author mentioned humans are competing individuals and families. I feel poly families do not have to compete within the group, but like every relationship siblings and what not are always trying to get attention and out do the other.

I know that you believe polyamory to be fundamentally different from polygamy; how will you avoid the hierarchic struggles of the other institution? Or perhaps your are not bothered by hierarchy among your loves?

There are always pros and cons to any relationship. As I get older and hopefully mature I can learn what I want in life and be able to have a family of like minded individuals. I remember reading an article about why rich people are always successful. One post mentioned they do not brother over fighting for small change. What I mean is that if they lose a few dollars there is no point in getting chump change. When you can easily forget about it and continue working for more money. What I believe is that every family would have problems and in order to have a successful happy family the parents need to be leaders. That way you can avoid any hiccups.

Hopefully these are good replies and thanks for questions.

reply to post by AboveBoard

And who benefited from this the most? Was she emotionally satisfied? Was she getting sincerity, even? What if something happened to her and she needed a partner's support - an extended illness or a bad accident, or even stupid life stuff, like needing a ride somewhere or a hand with painting the bathroom, etc.

Excellent point!!! As a woman who has had an aggressive breast cancer, I have to say that I am grateful that my husband stood by me for every test, every appointment, every chemo and radiation treatment. The number of all these apointments were just staggering and overwhelming. I was so exhausted from the chemo I didn't even want to get dressed, never mind go to all those apointments and treatments feeling like crap and being poked and prodded. He was there for me at every turn, for every tear and gut wrenching sadness and fear.

One day I visited my Mom who was in the apartment just below mine. I was falling asleep in her rocking chair and she said, "Honey, why don't you go upstairs and go to bed?" I said, "I would, but I'm too tired." One other cancer patient called it a profound tiredness and man was it ever. I needed help with things that I couldn't do anymore.

In a realtionship with multiple partners, what if more than one was experiencing a health crises? There is no way you can be there for them equally. There is no way in my opinon that both women would feel fine with a partner who could only be there for them part time while they fight for their very life. Knowing that my partner was caring for someone else when I needed him the most would be a slap in the face to me. I think more of myself than to have to come in second or third place to anyone. But...that's just me.

It also wouldn't do my self esteem any good knowing that on valentines day, other women are getting attention, cards and gifts from my partner when it should be our special and sacred day. It autimatically would become meaningless to me.

Yep, just an old romantic who believes that real love should be a special bond between two people who love and appreciate and respect each other. If you are each others lover and best friend, you shouldn't need another partner or two or three or whatever. It would completely take away from what we as a couple share together.

My parents shared over 50 years together until Dad passed away. They still held hands and said I love you and showed it in so may ways. It was so beautiful, meaningful and inspiring.

I know many of you don't share my thoughts and feelings but that's just how I am.

reply to post by Night Star


It's understandable that in a relationship people need to spend time together and comfort each other in times of need. I'm not a romantic type of person or even old fashion. Where I would be celebrating valentines day. I feel like everyday can be special with you and the people in your life. Everyone is different. Maybe it's because I come from a large family with everyone always on the move. We can spend time together. It's just like you have to move it or lose it.

That's why I find it more comfortable to be in relationships with a lot of people. Not just dating. But friendships and acquaintances. Even though I'm happy being a strong individual; I feel lonely if I don't have someone to socialize with in person.

Thanks for the reply and I hope your feeling better NS.

reply to post by Phoenix267


It has been a year and I am cancer free. Got away with just a lumpectomy. Thank you!

reply to post by Night Star

Excellent point!!! As a woman who has had an aggressive breast cancer, I have to say that I am grateful that my husband stood by me for every test, every appointment, every chemo and radiation treatment. The number of all these apointments were just staggering and overwhelming. I was so exhausted from the chemo I didn't even want to get dressed, never mind go to all those apointments and treatments feeling like crap and being poked and prodded. He was there for me at every turn, for every tear and gut wrenching sadness and fear.

Well, I'm totally with you on that one! I had Hodgkin's Disease (cancer of the lymph) with six months of very aggressive chemotherapy. I was diagnosed "with something very bad" right before my wedding, and was told I might not make it through my Honeymoon!! We got the real diagnosis right after I survived the wedding/honeymoon and then started chemotherapy just a couple of weeks after we moved in together. We were very young. It was beyond grueling, and took years to recover fully from the chemo. Anyway. The following years have all been "bonus time" in my book! Not to digress from the topic too much...

I so hope you are well now, Night Star!

peace to you,
AB