Why do I attract.....

Thank you guys for all the advice both good and bad. I will say that I have put a stop to it. Right now I'm focusing on myself and hopefully can come to terms of what happened. Before all this I have had a few bad experiences as a child, maybe this has something to do with it. Not sure but I'm ready to face things head on and figure it out. I just wanted to thank everyone for their input. Much appreciated.

reply to post by jziegler

Sometimes I see some controlling and possessiveness come out of him but I don't know if this is his defenses or is he really an abusive guy???? Why do I attract these guys and what can I do? I'm a very friendly, down to earth girl and I wear my heart on my shoulder. Please help.

Get a pet, find another hobby other then hanging out with duchebags, and find yourself another guy unless you like dudes that constantly cheat on you and to sleep around with other women, also its not your job to put up with anything or change anything in him, in fact usually when you have to do that it means that its a no go.

But most importantly try not to do any thing that is to stupid, and if anything it would probably be better for you if you were on your own for a bit before you get into anything. Oh and there not attracted to you...You are attracted to them.

reply to post by galadofwarthethird


That is what I am planning on doing. Working on myself and figuring out who and what I want in a relationship. My question to men is: Why do they feel the need to sleep with so many women? is it a power issue?

Originally posted by littled16
reply to post by jziegler

 

Stay away from men for awhile and go find your true self. When you have nurtured your own self-esteem for a time you will find that you are repulsed by that sort of men instead of attracted to them. Love yourself first and best!

Sound and good advise. I hope the OP follows it.

You cant find true love unless you love yourself. Learn to take care of yourself and dont depend on someone else saying they will do it. That's not love.

The OP said "he said he loves me". I did not see the OP ever saying "i love him".

Unless I missed it?

Originally posted by jziegler
reply to post by galadofwarthethird

 

That is what I am planning on doing. Working on myself and figuring out who and what I want in a relationship. My question to men is: Why do they feel the need to sleep with so many women? is it a power issue?

Not a power thing.

It's just the majority of them are $luts and proud of it!

Originally posted by jziegler
reply to post by galadofwarthethird

 

That is what I am planning on doing. Working on myself and figuring out who and what I want in a relationship. My question to men is: Why do they feel the need to sleep with so many women? is it a power issue?

Excellent OP sounds like you need to get your head right before you do whatever it is you will do.

To answer your questions.

Why do they feel the need to sleep with so many women?

Well since there seems to be a lot of women who like sleeping with them then the answer is a total duh...Duh like totally. Because they want to and because they can. After all its not like when they sleep around they sleep with themselves now is it? It takes two to tango, and in this case more then two, quite a few actually. And well they don't seem to be having all that hard of time finding women who are willing to sleep with them and in some cases what looks like every other day or so. The answer is you know, kind of self explanatory.

You question makes no sense, they do it because they can and they want to, just like the women who sleep with them do it because they can and want to. The rest of the reasons would not matter much, as actions speak louder then words.

is it a power issue?

I suppose for men it would be a power issue. And for most of the females it would be a control issue.

But I do not think that is really the whole issue, what can I say the dude is a slut, what more is there to it. It seems you are attracted to such men, so you have your answer even if you don't want to look at it. Most such things are not all that complicated, its like growing plants in a garden, what you take care of, what you put the most effort in, what you water and feed the most, and what you support and help grow. Is what will grow and what will be predominant in your garden, literally you reap as you sow.

And seeing as that thing that you seem to be feeding and supporting is duchey and slutty dudes, what are you now surprised that its become a theme in your life and you have quantum entangled yourself into such a thing? Its like this, lets say I have a bunch of strawberries that I want to grow in a patch of ground, but all around those strawberries there are a whole bunch of dandelions. So to help those strawberries grow, I never water them or feed them or cultivate and take care of them, but I water feed and cultivate the dandelions around them as a way to help the strawberries grow and multiply. Now does that make sense to you? Most things are at there premise and core pretty simple, people just like to complicate things.

So that is why your question is not "why do I attract certain type of dudes" Your question is "why am I attracted to those certain type of dudes" Because none of them and none of it would be there to the extent it is if you did not water and feed it all, if you get what I am trying to say.

How does that nursery rhyme go...Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow?

reply to post by galadofwarthethird


I get what your saying. However, I really am not looking for these guys. They pop up out of nowhere, yes I end up "taking them in" but I don't realize what kind of guy they are until its too late. Then I have to tell myself, I let you down, and move on. I'm very interested in finding an intelligent, well spoken, mannered man who believes in traditions and being old fashioned. But it's not what I end up with. They play games or manipulate me into thinking they're somebody that they're not.

reply to post by jziegler

Sounds like quite a pickle. Sorry I don't have no answers for you, # I don't know. Keep trucking and sooner or later something better is bound to come along... I think... I mean its bound to eventually... OK, OK there is about as good of a change of that, as of anything else...So don't quote me on none of this # because I don't know... Live and let live I suppose.

I find I ask myself why I CAN'T attract a girl like you.

Normal, caring, INTELLIGENT. dammit...

I always feel bad when I read these stories cause i'm always wondering how you nice girls end up with douches like that and then never want to date again while the guys like me who would surprise you with a nice flower or breakfast in bed anything just to see you smile, are alone

since you do seem to have those qualities I have no doubt you'll be happy with a man who treats you nice soon enough.

Originally posted by jziegler
reply to post by galadofwarthethird

 

That is what I am planning on doing. Working on myself and figuring out who and what I want in a relationship. My question to men is: Why do they feel the need to sleep with so many women? is it a power issue?

2 answers really.

1 is the need for sex. it's natural.

2 I would think is for practice, you really don't want to disappoint a woman who you really do care about since that need works both ways.

also beware, this is not all men.
I'm waiting till I meet the right woman because I don't care how bad I am, it would get better eventually.

also think of what being a man used to be. Hunting big ass animals, and protecting your little village while trying to spread your genetics.. we are still animals after all.

reply to post by yourmaker


I have no idea, not a single nice guy has come my way yet.

reply to post by jziegler

Right now nice guys will seem boring. You have likely passed many on the way to this point in your life.

Remember you don't buy your perfume at the city dump. So don't expect to find prince charming on a stool with a bottle in his hand.

Try a dance place. A real dance place not a drunk bounce place.
I got into country dancing after my divorce. Yes the silly line dancing. But there's couple's dancing too.
The exercise staved off most of the natural depression. It kept my mind off things and on my cordination.
I met a lot of people (girls). I learned a lot about them.
From my personal experience:
Real dancers don't drink.
Real drinkers can't dance.
Women who reach their mid 30's with no kids and never married have deep issues. Stay away. (likely the same for men)

After a few months of regular dancing I could profile the women as they walked in.
Your problem will be first contact without being 'one of those girls'. Make sure he see's you. Be close at hand when a slow dance comes on. Give him 15 seconds to ask you then you ask him.

reply to post by jziegler


1) Please use paragraphs.
2) My gf is an assistant dance instructor for Latin dancing. It's VERY difficult for me to not be bothered by that, but I manage to pretend it doesn't affect me and let her go on her own and she has fun dancing with other, more experienced men. Oh, and she's 2,000 miles away right now. I think men are naturally possessive and it exists in us all...so don't think it doesn't. It's just that some can manage it while others don't try or can't because it's too painful. Ultimately, it's about trust tho. What you need to find is a man you can trust and you yourself need to be trustworthy for him.
3) Why get involved with a guy who would put a shotgun to another woman's head and who you had to "run away" from in the first place? Why get involved with a war vet with PTSD? These are YOUR choices. You should ask yourself "why am IIIII attracted to these types of guys?"

reply to post by TheLegend

My gf is an assistant dance instructor for Latin dancing. It's VERY difficult for me to not be bothered by that, but I manage to pretend it doesn't affect me and let her go on her own and she has fun dancing with other, more experienced men. Oh, and she's 2,000 miles away right now.

Ouch on a major scale!
I could not accept that in a girl friend.

Not to add to your pain but have you seen the number of hookups on dancing with the stars?
Maybe I'm cynical but I predict failure. You can't dangle a worm over a lake and expect it to be there a few weeks later. Trust only goes soooo far.

Not to derail the thread but am I wrong??? And specify if you have ever been cheated on so we may judge your answer.

reply to post by samkent


Well, she has been into dancing since she was a little girl, long before we met (online I might add), and even partners up with other girls when there's not enough guys taking the class. So she's into it for the act itself and not for meeting men + she never gave me a reason why not to trust her after years of knowing each other. If she wanted to be picked up by guys she could do it anywhere and anytime anyway.

You're not wrong in thinking differently unless you apply it to every situation. It's very situational. If our trust and history was not strong, I would not be accepting of her side profession, and rightly so.

Every guy you've mentioned has "issues" of one sort or another. So you must be attracted to guys with "issues." I really don't know if it is because you want to be their Mommy because they "need you" so badly or whether maybe it's just that guys with issues provide more emotions to feed upon. Or maybe something else. I dunno. But one thing is certain: They will NEVER change and you CANNOT change them.

Your guy who is controlling will NEVER change.
Your guy who sleeps around will ALWAYS sleep around.
Your guy who "needs you" will ALWAYS be a pansy-assed baby.
Your guy who has PTSD will ALWAYS have that excuse as to why he is crazy.

Look around. Have you EVER been with a man who is mature and stable, sure of himself, who has set reasonable goals for himself and has set about achieving them? Have you EVER been with a man who has a steady income, respects his parents, but is not dependent on them? Have you ever done that yourself?

To be honest, this looks like a train wreck, and you are the locomotive. Please use birth control or it's going to get a whole lot worse.

reply to post by schuyler


I am a woman who does respect her parents. As to your comment about birth control, I sadly can not have children due to my health issues and if I did, my children would be brought up with discipline, manners, and respect unlike most of the children these days. I look for the normal stable guy but hes nowhere around. When Im single, no one is interested, but the moment I am not single, they flock to my feet. I dont get it.

Well, then, I can think of only one more thing, and that is the people you hang with, your peer group. If that's you in your avatar, you're very pretty and there's no reason you couldn't attract good guys providing they are around. It's just that if you hang out at the local diner where the guys have six-inch lifts in their pick-up trucks and drink beer while watching the game on the big screen, you're not likely to find anyone different than you're used to. Quality guys don't hang with a loser group.

So....

you need to get out of your group and meet new people. Take some classes at a community college. The "community school" classes aren't very expensive if you can't afford tuition. Join a group in something you're interested in. The idea is to get into a different environment so that you have a chance to meet some different sorts of folks.

You're going to have to be pro-active with this,

and good luck.

So I've decided to come on and give an update to what's going on. Back in december i finally cut the guy out of my life that had ptsd. just a few weeks ago, i get a text by him saying he wants me back, i told him too little too late. Since the december breakup, I have focused on myself and what guys have been around me and what their like. I guess some of you were right, I tended to hang with the bad boys. So I cut all of them out of my life. My coworker and best friend started doing a questionnaire type thing anytime a guy showed interest.

It seems it worked. At the moment I've found such a sweet, kind hearted gentleman.The more I get to know him the more I want to be around him and understand the way he lives his life. He has boughten me flowers, tons of chocolates, a necklace, and more flowers just the other day. These are just materialistic things but they show me that he cares. No sex has happened due to me being content with where I am right now. So he's doing all this and takes me out to dinner or on dates without even trying to get into my pants.

He understands what I've gone through and has always made me smile or laugh. Have I found the one? Who knows, only time will tell with this one. We plan on going away for a few days together that he had arranged, however, he will not tell me, only that it's a suprise. That's the update for now. And just to add one more thing, he was married but got divorced due to his exwife being a gold digger, he has a fairly nice paying job. Any input would be cool at this point. I'm taking it very slow at this point and only allowing my wall to come down for a little bit at a time. I don't need to be hurt like I have with the past guys I've jumped right into a relationship with. Anyway, please help a good girl keep this gentleman.

reply to post by jziegler
I am so glad that you are in a much better place now! Just take things slow and be yourself and you will do just fine. Forget that girl who attracted "bad boys"; she doesn't exist anymore. Focus on the future and the wonderful things it will bring you!