Why do I attract.....

Ok so I'll explain my situation. Back in Nov 2010 I threw my fiance out of the house. He wanted me to choose between him, my job, or my family, you guessed right as to what I chose. I met this guy through my cousin who promised he was nothing like my ex fiance. He told me he would take care of me and make me happy. Fast forward to Feb 2011, I moved in with him. Shortly after, he wouldn't allow me to go to the bar by myself, had to know where I was going all the time, who I was with, etc. I didn't realize he was being controlling til it was too late. He started becoming controlling, then possessive, then downright nasty. He would verbally and physically abuse me to the point of me wanting to kill myself. I finally had enough of being a secret. (I was a secret to his baby mama). So June 2012 came around and I finally confronted him about being a secret. He flips out and acts like he's ending the relationship. After 3 days I find a place of my own, he tries keeping me in his apartment for another week with sorries and he didn't mean to hurt me, blah blah blah. One day I was doing the dishes decided to make a run for it. My purse was near me and the back door was next to me. I just grabbed my keys and purse and ran out of the door and into my car before he can get off the couch. That was the last I seen of him. In September I get a phone call from the old landlord saying he skipped out on the rent and left the apartment trashed. Turns out he moved back in with his baby mama who he had put a shotgun to her head one time. I am shocked she took him back, but then I thought about it, if your that stupid, you deserve each other. So I've been living on my own since July 2012 and in Oct 2012 decided it was time for me to move back to my moms so I can help rediscover who I am. I'll never be able to go back to who I was and you never realize how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. So what I'm trying to get at is this, I met someone who I've known since I was 12. He is an army vet, says he's in love with me, but still sleeps with lots of women. He was always like this so I decided to let him have an open relationship because I don't want to change him or force him to change. Since allowing this, he's been changing on his own in his own way. He has slowed down the women but hasn't fully stopped but he does tell his friends he's in love with a girl. He wants me to move in with him and get married but I don't know if I should. My gut tells me to wait even though I had feelings for him since I was 12. I need advice. He is dealing with PTSD from the war and his mother dying. He also deals with bipolar disorder and sees a therapist for this regularly. Sometimes I see some controlling and possessiveness come out of him but I don't know if this is his defenses or is he really an abusive guy???? Why do I attract these guys and what can I do? I'm a very friendly, down to earth girl and I wear my heart on my shoulder. Please help.

reply to post by jziegler


Holy bat crap.........run as fast as you can in the opposite direction immediately....don't look back.........you need to work on yourself.

says he's in love with me, but still sleeps with lots of women.

no
/thread

If there is already a hint of him being controlling, don't get too involved. If he has PTSD and Bipolar, you will have a lot of serious issues to deal with and it won't be easy. Take your time, date others and when you're ready, you will know it.

be wise with your heart...

test a mate...for awhile...to see if they are stable...6moths dating tells a tale at least...no need to rush anything for sakes of a long term relationship

as to control issues...test a person on using the word "no"...see if you have to explain why you say no...a controlling person will try to change your position...watch for that during time test...do they accept and go on or do they try n try

deliberately do off and on seeing eachother in the beginning to see if they are clingy

do your best not to fold who you are and look for that in someone you consider

be true to yourself...people respect and like that in others...don't sell yourself short in life

reply to post by ascension211


Thank you, I've felt that way at times, I've told him to slow down and he doesn't want to hear it, keeps saying he's not my ex, but why do I feel like I'm having deja vu, seems like that's what they all say. Thanks for the advice. He did text me the other day and say thank you. I asked him for what, he said for being there for him and being with him when he needs someone to talk to and trust.

reply to post by jziegler


Sorry to hear of your bad past relationships.

Now my opinion would be not to move in with this guy.

Yea you've known him since 12 but still,I would just be his friend, and maybe sometimes lover.

My grandma is bipolar and it's not cool. When she doesn't take her meds it's really wild. She has chased my grandpa around with a gun pointed at him, she ran her car up a tree, she's physically abused my grandpa. And the list goes on.

Be there for him, he may be just infatuated with you and it's not a real love. But what do I know. Do what your heart tells you.

reply to post by jziegler


always remember too...there's no shortage of mates
always date yourself between mates
it's a welcome break to regroup in life
you'll find you'll miss being single once you take the dip

reply to post by lasvegasteddy


He's very clingy, always texting me that he needs me. He'll text me things like "how come you don't love me anymore" because I do send him test texts. His therapist actually told him it's normal to sleep with many women given his Ptsd. I thought she was a quack but she does have 30 yrs of experience on PTSD. So who knows. I will keep everything in mind. I want to stay true to myself and find myself without a man's help. He just keeps pushing for more.

You are the sort who will write an entire post talking about the awful traits you perceive in other people.

That might have something to do with it.

reply to post by natalia


Thanks for the advice, I've actually told him it's probably just infatuation and he called me crazy. My brother is bipolar also and doesn't take meds so I know what to look for but something keeps telling me to hang in there and then there's another part of me that says run away as fast as you can. Does that make sense?

reply to post by ErgoTheConclusion


wth is that supposed to mean? this is the first time writing about this, i've never written about this before. and who the f*** are you to judge someone?

Tell your guy if he's not going to be faithful, than neither are you. Gauge his reply.

I'm thinking you do not attract these types, as much as you may be attracted to them. Ultimately I would suggest spending time single and figuring out what it is you want.
Good luck to you!

reply to post by randomtangentsrme


I think they see a more vulnerability from me and know I'm an easy target. They do not attract me at all. In fact I've helped many girls get out of situations like this, I guess that's why I was able to spot it and get out while I could.

reply to post by randomtangentsrme


I tried telling him that, he said he wouldn't feel comfortable if I dated other guys.

we choose our destiny
love yourself enough to chose drama free...drama free living rocks...

Originally posted by jziegler
reply to post by ascension211

 

Thank you, I've felt that way at times, I've told him to slow down and he doesn't want to hear it, keeps saying he's not my ex, but why do I feel like I'm having deja vu, seems like that's what they all say. Thanks for the advice. He did text me the other day and say thank you. I asked him for what, he said for being there for him and being with him when he needs someone to talk to and trust.

If you are intent on having a relationship ....keep it as friends period.....intuition is there for a reason and too many want to ignore information they are being given by their higher power.....listen to what you hear in your head...you test it you will have consequences....sometimes people have to learn something the hard way.....why.....try the easy way....you will know....it is a part of your personality that draws you to men with this behavior....fact is you are aware exactly why...you are ignoring this too...you need to be honest with yourself....you need self improvement before you can entertain the possibility of having a serious long-term relationship with anyone...take time for yourself.


Take care.

Ascension211

Hi Jziegler,

I am no relationship expert nor am I here to judge your past but I would like to offer my opinion as a man and maybe help you see things more clearly, in a way. I have a few additional questions to ask from the story you shared in your thread (thanks for taking the courage to do that by the way).

Originally posted by jziegler
Ok so I'll explain my situation. Back in Nov 2010 I threw my fiance out of the house. He wanted me to choose between him, my job, or my family, you guessed right as to what I chose.

How long were you with your ex-fiance? How was he character wise, meaning, did he share some of the character traits from the relationships you had after that episode of your life?

I met this guy through my cousin who promised he was nothing like my ex fiance. He told me he would take care of me and make me happy.

I know it's not very flattering for the male population but know that most men will tell you "I'm not like your loser ex, I'm better and I'll keep you safe" which is in and of itself a false promise really because they usually don't know anything about the ex in question.

Fast forward to Feb 2011, I moved in with him.

From what I read, I get the impression that you move in with your boyfriends quite rapidly. I've been in three-year relationships without even brushing the question because it wouldn't really phase me with that particular person. What made you want to move in with that person?

Shortly after, he wouldn't allow me to go to the bar by myself, had to know where I was going all the time, who I was with, etc. I didn't realize he was being controlling til it was too late. He started becoming controlling, then possessive, then downright nasty. He would verbally and physically abuse me to the point of me wanting to kill myself.

One tip I can offer you for future relationships is to ALWAYS make sure you get to see your significant other drunk in your presence and also when you're not around. Seeing how they act under the influence will, in most cases, reveal hidden personality traits that otherwise would've laid dormant. I know that when I'm drunk I get very happy and my social skills are enhanced. If on the other hand you get someone who turns aggressive or violent, you know it is in your best interest not to get involved with said person in the long run. Also, was that guy verbally abusive from the onset? Physical abuse is a big NO-NO in my book, either be it coming from a man or a woman. If he lays a hand on you in a violent way (not in a "let's play a sex game way") it's a cue to bolt (like Hussein).

I finally had enough of being a secret. (I was a secret to his baby mama). So June 2012 came around and I finally confronted him about being a secret. He flips out and acts like he's ending the relationship. After 3 days I find a place of my own, he tries keeping me in his apartment for another week with sorries and he didn't mean to hurt me, blah blah blah. One day I was doing the dishes decided to make a run for it. My purse was near me and the back door was next to me. I just grabbed my keys and purse and ran out of the door and into my car before he can get off the couch. That was the last I seen of him.

You say you were a secret to his immediate social contacts for close to a year and 5 months, may I ask why it took you so long to confront him about it and how did you feel about being a secret within that time period? Leaving on the fly was very impulsive of you, probably a good decision but still impulsive. Since you moved in with him, you probably left quite of few of your belongings at his place, am I right?

So I've been living on my own since July 2012 and in Oct 2012 decided it was time for me to move back to my moms so I can help rediscover who I am. I'll never be able to go back to who I was and you never realize how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have.

What I gather from your story is that you found a place to live on your own after one month of finishing with your last boyfriend and three months later you decide to move to your mom. What I don't get is what you mean by "so I can help rediscover who I am". Do you mean you can help your mom help you rediscover who you are? I would imagine that rediscovering oneself is best done alone and you had the perfect setting for that. What also jumps out is that, from what I read, you have a fear of being alone (be it conscious or sub-conscious).

reply to post by jziegler

You've devoted a thread on a conspiracy forum to the discussion of why all these people with undesirable traits keep being attracted to your all around good natured sweetness. This is a dead ringer giveaway for your half of the equation that might be worth honestly looking into.

To reply to your edit: I'm not "judging" you despite your thread being entirely about your judgement of others.

You asked a question and I offered an honest response based on honest experience from honest relationships. If what you want is a cuddle party and everyone offering sympathy, then say so. Don't veil it in an inquiry for advice on a public forum. Your style of reaction just adds more weight to the initial impression you give off in your opening post and some of the followups.

reply to post by jziegler


Makes total sense. My therapist tells me I am attracted to people who need help, I feel like I can fix them when in actuality I can't.