What causes emotional suffering?

reply to post by 0mage


Contentment is right here and right now for anyone who wants it.
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Good Thread!

From what I've read - (which could be right or wrong .. I don't know)
Desire causes suffering. Get rid of desire and you get rid of suffering.
Easier said than done.
I desire to be healthy and have energy. I can't have those things. Therefore, I suffer.
If I gave up caring .. would I stop suffering? Supposedly.
(although physical pain would be there and how can I escape suffering from that?)

But then ... what kind of life it is to go around not caring? To be emotionally dead?
You don't suffer because desire is dead but at the same time you suffer being emotionally dead.

It's all so confusing. And we won't get the answer while alive.

Anyways ... good thread. I"m reading the responses and thinking about them a bunch ....

reply to post by FlyersFan


It is not a matter of not caring, it is a matter of not minding.
If you listen to the mind it will tell you how awful everything is.
What is wrong with right now........unless you think about it?
Accept or fight. It is the fighting, it is the resisting of life that causes the pain.

reply to post by UltimateSkeptic1

Originally posted by UltimateSkeptic1
What causes emotional suffering?

Resistance. Resistance to "what is". If people would learn to get up every day and not have a bunch of expectations about how people and life "should" be, but instead, went about their day with an attitude of curiosity, experiencing each moment as it IS (not how they think it 'should' be) I think people would be a lot less miserable, in general.

Your first friend is in such misery because she is in resistance to the reality that she's divorced. She doesn't WANT that to be the case, so she fights the reality in her mind... That creates misery. In reality, she is divorced and needs to accept that, instead of resisting it, and move on to the next thing.

I honestly believe that resistance to "what is" (in favor of imagining how it "should" be) is the biggest cause of depression, anxiety and misery in people's lives. And the horrible thing is that it becomes a habit and even a way of life for many. They go through life angry at reality, imagining instead what it "should" be...

Just my thoughts...

reply to post by Benevolent Heretic


Nice thoughts and true in my opinion and experience.

Wow. Thank you all for such thoughtful responses!! I wish I had more time to answer everybody.

The one thing that all of the answers have in common is this: emotional suffering seems to be a function of our own thoughts.

Maybe just being aware of this is the first step.

I think emotional suffering depends on how much you cared about something. I think that ultimately it all comes down on how much exposure you have to stuff. If you are use to getting your heart broken over and over, you're gonna have a harder time moving on because you feel your life isnt changing. If you are use to just getting over relationships (or just anything) rather quick, you wont feel as much pain because you already are use to it.

Originally posted by jiggerj

Has to be the circumstances. I was in a 16 year nightmare marriage. I can't tell you how relieved (positively euphoric) I was when it ended. Honestly, the only sadness I felt was that her new man was about to enter the twilight zone. Poor guy.

How can it be the circumstances?

People in the exact same circumstances respond differently. Some are happy, some are not.

Here's an example from yesterday.

I was at a graduation ceremony, and a baby began crying. Some people ignored the baby. Others smiled. Others gave the mother a dirty look. Yet all were experiencing the same reality at the same time: a baby crying.

reply to post by UltimateSkeptic1


why do u seek to blame what is suffering ? what r u getting from this to u or others?
bc u r evil one of the fundamental reasons of else suffers that mean to justify weak abuses as ur way of living well

what is suffering emotionnally or not, is by definition not a source nor a reason of living things, or existing realities in the world, so how can u mean it as an objective fact, while u cant perceive it but of u and for

Originally posted by UltimateSkeptic1
The one thing that all of the answers have in common is this: emotional suffering seems to be a function of our own thoughts..

Some yes. But I have to also throw this in ...

What about how physical suffering effects emotional suffering.
You can't 'turn off' the physical suffering. It's always there ... 'in your face' ... as they say.
Long term physical suffering (or even short term at times) causes emotional draining.
You can't just not care about physical pain. IT HURTS.

.. again .. I'm reading all the responses and thinking them over. Good thread.

Originally posted by Itisnowagain
It is not a matter of not caring, it is a matter of not minding.

Explain the difference to me. I just don't see the difference. thanks ahead of time.

Originally posted by blackmetalmist
I think emotional suffering depends on how much you cared about something. I think that ultimately it all comes down on how much exposure you have to stuff. If you are use to getting your heart broken over and over, you're gonna have a harder time moving on because you feel your life isnt changing. If you are use to just getting over relationships (or just anything) rather quick, you wont feel as much pain because you already are use to it.

The sad thing is I know people that continue to go through the same dramas in their lives and wonder if they are not somehow drawing this to them.

I don't want no drama,

reply to post by FlyersFan


he is happy about a genius idea that he put anywhere, dont mind
so here he jumps in saying dont mind is not dont care, without explanation of course

take it as u want, but of course not mind care too since not mind is from the idea that love is all

so u tell me, how would u care without ur mind, how would u give any if u r not independant at some point to realize a plus to whatever u mean to see it alive

I have read through the answers on this thread, and I have thought about it some as this applies to my own life.

Yes, it does depend on the person how/when they react to life. It depends on one's learned coping mechanisms how one reacts to a new situation. Some people just plow forward through life, some people have to stop and digest life one instant at a time.

For me, I'm some weird combination of the two. I plow through life, accepting changes as they come, let everything bounce off me, do what I have to do, don't worry about what has happened or what will happen because it has already happened and it already will happen.

But, once in awhile, things will affect me. Once in awhile, I start to see things in another light, in a way that makes me want to weep. Not because things happened a certain way, but because I think I am a terrible person who is existing now. It makes no logical sense at all. But, it is how my mind works, because this is how I learned to cope when I was young. Bad things would happen, I would accept them as what was supposed to happen because "I am a terrible person who only deserves terrible things".

Obviously, I know that is not true. However, it does not change the fact that that is how I feel sometimes. I don't sit around wishing or longing for the past, leaning or reaching for the future. I sit, mired in the present, trying to escape the clutch of that hate I feel in this instant for this existent being who I feel is so terrible.

There is no explanation. There is no reason. All I can do is swallow that drivel and move on to the next second, wherein I either think the same thing or decide to think something different.

Someone looking at me would not know that I am experiencing emotional suffering; I have learned to mask it quite well. You might think I'm the most carefree person in the world, because that is how I act. I laugh all the time, though as I am laughing I might be considering the easiest way to die without leaving too many problems for my family. I may just as well be considering what pie I would like to learn how to make, or how much I love a loved one. Nobody knows what I am thinking except for me.

Emotional suffering is internal. Just because some people wear it as a garment doesn't mean they are the only ones suffering.

So, I guess what I am saying in response to the OP is: be there for your friends, regardless of how they appear to be coping with their circumstances. Because, really, you never know. Just show them love and support, and take the time to listen to what they say in words and what they say in emotion. Because that is all you can do.

reply to post by Benevolent Heretic


I was going to say unmet desire or "want" in general. Resistance is tangential to that I guess. Not wanting something.

Originally posted by Benevolent Heretic
reply to post by UltimateSkeptic1

 

Originally posted by UltimateSkeptic1
What causes emotional suffering?

Resistance. Resistance to "what is". If people would learn to get up every day and not have a bunch of expectations about how people and life "should" be, but instead, went about their day with an attitude of curiosity, experiencing each moment as it IS (not how they think it 'should' be) I think people would be a lot less miserable, in general.

Your first friend is in such misery because she is in resistance to the reality that she's divorced. She doesn't WANT that to be the case, so she fights the reality in her mind... That creates misery. In reality, she is divorced and needs to accept that, instead of resisting it, and move on to the next thing.

I honestly believe that resistance to "what is" (in favor of imagining how it "should" be) is the biggest cause of depression, anxiety and misery in people's lives. And the horrible thing is that it becomes a habit and even a way of life for many. They go through life angry at reality, imagining instead what it "should" be...

A strange thing happened to me literally last week that relates to this. I woke up, went outside and experienced reality differently. It was like I was occupying someone else's ego. To be more specific, I felt blissfully peaceful and happy the entire day. Everything just rolled off of me. I was cut off in traffic, I shrugged it off; no slight, no big deal.. I dealt with angry people; instead of taking it personally, instead it made me wonder what happened to them that day to make them upset, then I would just shift my consciousness to more positive thoughts.. This continued all day and the experience was actually quite startling for me.

The next day I woke up and my mindset and expectations went back to "normal." But I remember that feeling and have been trying to remind myself to let things be. It was a strange shift in brain chemistry but I understand much better how some others are able to cope with the world..

I hope to be able to eventually re-train my psyche so that I may again re-experience reality from that perspective. It was quite amazing.

reply to post by clay2 baraka


Was this on Thursday morning, by any chance? Because my husband AND I had a very similar experience of that day. It lasted until sometime Saturday. We called it "a visit from angels" (half-jokingly).

I am normally a very happy person, but on Thursday when I woke up, I literally felt like a different person was inside my head! I still feel like my life changed a little on that day... My husband, who is normally kind of miserable, was also full of positivity and living in the present...

I often say that our minds are so powerful that simply changing our minds can change our lives.

reply to post by UltimateSkeptic1

The one thing that all of the answers have in common is this: emotional suffering seems to be a function of our own thoughts.

I'm a little surprised no one has said the magic word yet: loss. In it's most general form what causes emotional suffering is anything that results in a negative consequence. If we enumerate all the responses people have given. We see they all fit into one of two categories. The first being "external factors resulting in internal dissatisfaction."

1. Expectation or fear of not getting what you want¹² (i.e. failed expectations)
   
2. Refusal to accept changes. The beginnings of a world we feel we have lost control over* (i.e. loss of self-direction and self-autonomy)
   
3. Not having your emotional needs met* (i.e. loss of respect, both internally and externally)
   
4. Attachments or the breaking of attachments and dependencies* (i.e. loss of something we felt we could lean on for support and growth)
   
5. Emotional investment* (i.e. loss of something we cared for)
   
6. Realisation that what you thought you had, didn't turn out to be what you expected or hoped it would be* (i.e. Diminishment is similar to failed expectations, but different in that we realize something isn't what we imagined)
   
7. Resistance to "what is" (i.e. similar to 1 and 2, but places the fault primarily on inability to separate the past from the present. Memories are the inhibitor.)
   
8. Physical suffering results in emotional suffering* (i.e. losing a leg or something equivalent and realizing how it will affect every aspect of your life into the future, from relationships to basic activities)
   

Then there's another group of answers that suggest the victim is at fault.

1. "It is my believe that WE cause our own emotional sufferings" ¹²
   

What I find a bit surprising is that some people say removing all desire is the solution to emotional suffering. That's like saying there'd be no terrorist attacks if we would only stop building things for terrorists to blow up. Developing new desires is often what helps a person overcome emotional suffering. I may lose someone who I love, but when I realize I'm capable of loving others--that's what gets me moving again.

If the person comes to believe that removing all desire is the solution they'll have the attitude, "I shouldn't love anymore nor will I because I'm just setting myself up for more anguish." Acting out on this would probably make the situation twenty times worse because now the persons internal need for love is still unmet and all the person has to feed off of are their past memories. For most people this would probably lead to a psychotic break.

The underlying aspect of emotional suffering that's the hardest to remove is existential loss. Think of it like this. If I believe I was in a relationship that was truly 'as good as it gets' and that the person who I was with was about as perfect as I could have ever hoped for. When I come to the realization it's gone forever. I've now set myself up with an impossible problem. If I can't get the person back, my life will always be less than what it was in the past. Everything will be compared to those past events and with each passing day those memories will grow in importance and significance.

Even worse if the person accepts that they should move on they might start asking themselves questions like, "Am I'm willing to love a person for who they are, not for who I want them to be?" If the person says yes then they begin to realize the usual criteria we use to select partners have little impact in the long term.

That guy's hot. That girls smart. She's funny and adventurous. He's rich and powerful. Wow she's got a lot in common in with me. So on and so forth. We look for characteristics that are visibly desirable. However when we get into long-term relationships we often find people change and that it's the little things that make us attach and stay. So if we say we love a person for who they uniquely are. They truly become irreplaceable.

(...continued...)

If the person is irreplaceable yet we still find ourselves willing to move on and we find ourselves being happy -- what then? Has that unreplaceable thing actually been replaced? Or have we simply found something that's merely different, but equally satisfying? This is the birth of existential suffering.

The person starts to ask, "Can I love any person? If so does it then matter who I'm with? If not is there something awful about that? Awful in that there's no discernment. No uniqueness. Does that mean that I too am no longer special? Just happening to fill a role that could be filled by anyone else." From here the person begins to realize that they too are replaceable.

I think it's this category that's the hardest to address because it's rooted in an emotional and experiential recognition of nihilism. Here the person realizes that the bedrock they built their life around has been shaken and they themselves had to move. Redefining who they are, what they believed in, and what they now accept. This loss of identity is I think the hardest thing for people to deal with.

reply to post by Xtraeme


Excellent analysis, Xtraeme.

I would like to add more to what you said, though.

While we are loathe to accept that loss in identity, there is also a step between loss and acceptance: limbo.

That space in time where we are completely lost, and asking ourselves, "Who am I?" "What is happening to me?" "When did I cause this?" "Where am I going?" "Why me?" and, finally "How do I change?". It is that time of confusion and grief where we have to use introspection and delve into our own psyches to successfully pass through the gray area once we understand ourselves.

This is where people get stuck most often. This is where people stop living, where people start dying, where people exist with dull eyes and muted hearts.

We can only get out of this void with comfort, companionship, and (above all) compassion - for OURSELVES.