wife with benefits or does he really love me in some sense

i met a chick like you, well i can't say LIKE YOU, because i don't really know you but, this chick was sooo nice to the point where people just take advantage of her. It's like a flower that sadly just falls into the wrong hands.

reply to post by wlord


That was actually a deep statement to me....my background is in horticulture, went on to study at Cal Poly, SLO, CA, but when I was in high school we had a horticulure program, long gone now, lol, and Mr. Kinsella rocked, changed my life.....I went on to major in Horticulture......lol, anyways...

At the end of the year they brought in a roto tiller to mow down our garden, and prepare for the next years class, I was friggin heartbroken, frantic almost, trying to "save" all the plants and flowers I could....If you take a flower or plant and "nurture" it , it makes a HUGH difference in the life cycle of that flower...lol....I don't even know what I'm trying to say....just friggin sucks......

Hows was your parents relationship OP? Your relationship sounds like what my in-laws had before the divorce. 3 out of their 4 kids are in great relationships but the oldest (who saw the most) tends to seek what his mom had with their father. I really don't think he plans it that way, he's just drawn to that. It's all he knows. The cheating, taking mental and physical abuse unwilling to leave....all of that. Now my mother in law and my brother in law are fantastic people really but somewhere in their mind they don't seem to feel they deserve to get the love they give in return.
I don't have to tell you you deserve better. I'm sure you already know that, I don't think you feel it in your heart though.He thinks of you as useful instead of an equal partner. I don't even know you and I can honestly say you are better than that. In my opinion I hope you dump the loser. If you find yourself dating again remember that most people who take that for any length of time tend to find the same relationship over and over. If you know your into that type, spend time pondering the difference between a relationship feeling right because that's what you know and a relationship you want to have ( Hopefully the kind with mutual respect for one another)

Best of luck OP. I have faith in you to do the right thing here, and you should too. Listen to your head and not your heart. A broken heart can be mended but a warped mind isn't so easily fixed. Him making you feel the way you do now is warping your mind

reply to post by MountainLaurel


it is hard to explain the details of emotions all in an email, one email, and it bothers me that so many people here are so black and white about it. and they don't just say it in a nice way, several are kinda harsh about it. i am not a mean spirited person. i am not like the typical female.

when i divorced me first husband he made me feel very guilty for breaking up the family but his actions are what made that happen. because of those actions i couldn't stand to sleep in the same bed with him, much less anything else was out of the question. he was verbally, phyiscally raped me several times. it was bad. and YET i rose above it and did what i could for my kids. at the time, ages 6 and 5. they had no idea why i left and he was astounded that i would divorce him. he told the counselor that i was not allowed to divorce him. after 1 session, she said to me privately, i see why you want out.

the kids were ALWAYS the priority. no matter the situation, we worked it out for the kids. so we are on a "friend" level and refused to be like the typical bitter divorce. we have remained friends. if i need something i ask and normally we don't fight about it. he may call me and bitch about politics but the next time we talk he is back to the other guy. we had to get along for them. regardless if we liked each other anymore. we rose above it. i paid child support. they lived with him. did i want them with me? SURE. i sacraficed for them so they could live in their house, and have as little craziness as possible. it was hard enough without tearing up their world. now my kids are 20 and 21. they understand now that they are older.

i never went back after i moved out.

i do feel guilty for leaving and breaking up the family. my kids lives would have been different but at the same time as unhappy as i was with him i just couldn't set it aside and let it go and just stay for the kids.

so someone said it seems like guilt, so in a sense, yes. i feel like i made the commitment weither my current husband did or not. i am the one that committed and i understand the seriousness of the commitment... weither he did or not.

part of me wants to just lay into him and tell him i know what your doing and you need to stop before i just give up and walk out the door and never come back. part of me wants to just email everyone in his yahoo and tell them what a cheater he is.

part of me wants to ask him for is phone and if he says no, then well, i would expect WWIII
he says his phone is private and hates it when i read it.

and then the other part of me wonders, is he really seeing them or just texting them? i just don't know how far he goes.

on the other side i enjoy his company, we go fishing, camping, bowling, just bbq and etc.. and it is all good. sure i pick up after him, cook sometimes, wash his clothes, take out the trash, mow the yard, do the shopping, it is part of life.

this is not a movie, or some reality tv, this is real life. it is hard to throw away 5 years when i do see some good in him from time to time. maybe he has reasons from some past relationship to not take it to the level i expect. he never ever talks about past relationships. sometimes i think he has an dis attachment to people. he was one of 13 kids so i wonder how much attention he actually received growing up. he is very independent, strong and likes life. he usually has a good attitude, very laid back as am i. it is just this one issue.

to a lot of people it is a deal breaker. but they don't know me or what i let go because i don't want to look back and regret the decisions i have made. am i jumping to conclusions? am i blowing it up out of proportion? these are the questions i ask myself.

and to the people that are just HATERS and don't understand and how can i be so STUPID, they can just bite me. i don't regret the person i am. i am smart and independent, and like i said earlier, it is me that hold all the power to leave or not. it is not about how smart you are.

Originally posted by dmonkey

and starting over.. well... i am 43 and starting over for the 3rd time? i'll pack my things in my car and leave the rest again... i really don't think i should have to give up evertyhing. i bought the washer, dryer, refridgerator, dishes, towels, etc...

Ok, I haven't read past this one yet so apologies if someone already had a similar response before me, but you don't have to walk away from everything. He is your husband legally, right? And he is committing adultery, correct? So you gather up all the evidence you can against him (his texts, emails, follow him and take pictures, I don't care) . Then file for divorce. You can work it through the courts with who gets what. Or go with mediation so you don't have to pay crazy legal fees but really, why should you lose anything? He is the loser that cheats on his wife and treats you like a POS. If either of you is going to be on the losing side, it should be him.

You don't deserve to be treated that way and HE doesn't deserve for you to let him get away with it. Please, get yourself a conselor and an attorney and get away from this guy. He has taken away your self esteem and confidence. I feel very sorry that you are in this situation and I know it's all easier said than done, I get that and have been there too. But at least just start to think about a different course of action. Plan it out and start to envision your life past the crappy part of the divorce, etc. See yourself being strong and self confident and HAPPY! Once you start to think about it more and more it becomes more attainable and you will find you want it more.

Good luck to you, I really hope you get out of this and can move on to be with someone that treats you well.

Last point...I hope you use protection when you are with him.

reply to post by dmonkey


Don't worry about others opinion. When the time is right and when you've had enough, you'll know. Love can do crazy things to us, it make us see the best in someone, even when there's not much there.

All I can say is good luck!

reply to post by PutAQuarterIn


my parents? well, my dad and mom stayed together and as far as i could tell they loved each other. they stayed together until i was like 18? and then they split and my mom has never had another relationship. he was the love of her life.

My dad, he on the other hand, was a long distance truck driver for about 15 years and had an one-night stand at some point and brought home a disease and gave it to my mom. that's how she found out. i don't remember at what point that happened. they didn't tell me about it till about 10 years ago.

i don't really base their relationship on mine now.

Originally posted by dmonkey
reply to post by MountainLaurel

 

and to the people that are just HATERS and don't understand and how can i be so STUPID, they can just bite me. i don't regret the person i am. i am smart and independent, and like i said earlier, it is me that hold all the power to leave or not. it is not about how smart you are.

You're right. It's not about us. It's about your dysfunctional relationship. But I'm confused. You lay this whole thing out there, then argue with everyone who responds. You laid out what a cheating loser he is, then go on and defend how good he is. So what do you want out of this thread? We suggest getting out. You say you love him and will stay. We say the guy is an obvious loser and you defend him as a good guy. We say looks like you have some issue of your own and you call us haters. Everything we say is wrong.

What's left? "Gee, I'm really sorry about your situtaion. I hope it gets better"????? You've come to the wrong place for that. We simply cannot help you if you reject everything we say.

reply to post by dmonkey


Well hun, there's nothing more I can say. I've literally spilled my heart out to you, and spoke of the most traumatizing situation in my life in hopes that you'd get up and leave immediately, but you won't.

And if with all of the people who told me to leave my ex, it took me months to do and I was alone with no support when I did but I finally did it. Just took time.

You just need more time and for it to escalate for your eyes to open all of the way.

I truly wish you the best of luck, and I will not post here any longer as I've said more than my piece. I cannot force you to do anything just as no one could force me.

With love,

Elysra


And btw - I love your Avatar of Fang, her and Vanille were my favorites and my signature quotes come from those two.

i am not saying that everything that people have said here is something i disagree with. cant a person just say what's on their mind and get feedback from others?

i have no one to talk to about this because all of my friends have gone so now i wanted to get some feedback on what to do. and just because i am not at the point of just packing up my stuff and leaving tonight doesn't mean i am not listening to you or the others.

i am saying i am confused, it's complicated, in my mind at least. trying to sort out how to feel besides sad and depressed. sorry if it isn't so black and white to me.

so my question is if everyone is so sure about my relationship that it is bad news and that they themselves have never taken the high road, never given someone another chance, ever?

so i guess it is just easy for everyone else.

reply to post by GreenEyedVixen



Thanks, Elysra

i didn't know where she came from, i just liked the pic. it seemed like me in another life and i was drawn to it.

i appreciate all your advice and thank you for sharing your story.

this topic is fascinating really, clearly you set your standards pretty low and that's fine. seems like you're willing to take a lot before calling it quits.

Have read through the thread and agree with what the majority have said. In one of

your posts you said "I am begining to hate the internet, resent it, it is destroying

any hope of my ever having the relationship i want"....well from where i stand it is HIM and

NOT the internet that is destroying any possible relationship!

He is asking from you something that he is not prepared to give.......FIDELITY.

Relationships are a compromise of give and take....The absolute best being 50/50 per cent,

45/55 per cent is good, but 49/51 per cent is even better.

The further away you get from 45/55 per cent being all down hill

As you got married and to the best of my knowledge most marriage vows go

To love and to honour forsaking all others, be faithful only to her till death do us part.

hmmm.......seems he never meant it!!

reply to post by dmonkey


Again, I feel your pain more then I can describe, our daughter was 8 when I left my ex husband, I found out he was "in the closet: when she was 8 mns old, so I hung in there a LONG time for the sake of keeping our family together, and as I'm sure you very much know, this takes it's toll on our kids. We tried the "don't ask, don't tell" thing, which worked fine untill I took a lover, then he wasn't nearly so agreeable. I took the "hit" in the eyes of his family for the marriage ending as I wasn't willing to "out" him to his family.

Anyways it's just all so crazy, my daughter is now 21 yrs old, and according to her I am now a MILF, lol, disgusting term, but I guess it is what it is.

I am eternally "heartbroken", all the king's horse's and all the king's men, kinda thing, and it feels like that what I once saw as the "essence" of life has eluded me, lol, and did I mention it sucks?

Hope your feeling better, it has helped me quite a bit to share in your thread....Thank-You...♥

reply to post by MountainLaurel


i took some time this afternoon and downloaded some of the incriminating evidence if i want to use it later or just to remind me that it is real.

i looked up divorce in texas and i should remember it costs more than i have for the divorce. when i left last time in 2009 it was over this same thing. i filed and he refused to sign the petition. i still have the paperwork and even if he signs it this time (which he won't) he said he doesn't care if he is married or not. i would have thought he would have wanted to remove me from the medical insurance but he didn't care and it was coming out of his paycheck.

after i saved the emails which make me angry that he is doing this, i took a walk. i come back to the same thing that i don't want a divorce. i just want him to STOP doing this. stop ruining our relationship.

we are supposed to go camping this weekend and i am going to have a hard time not bringing this up because it will eat at me like a pacman every time i see his phone. i know he will be texting them.

if i let it go, there will be no drama, no fight, nothing but a good time. i know it will ruin the weekend if i even start to go there because it is the same old thing.

i started to look for a way to just delete this whole thread to put it out of my mind. it just makes me sad and frustrated. why can't he just leave them alone.

reply to post by dmonkey


Oh my gosh, again, I feel you more then I can say...my ex and I loved camping, and my memories range from making Love in our canoe to having him scare me and our dogs to death threatening to set our tent on fire after getting into a fight over porn and fidelity. The horrible things he said that day still reduce me to tears...which was basically "look bitch, I LOVE porn, and f#$king other women, and too bad, too sad if your such an uptight, jealous, insecure bitch, that seeks to control my desires you don't get it"

That was one of lonliest nights of my life, laying in that tent, the dogs shivering in terror, looking to me for comfort, I was just so tired at that point, when he finally calmed down and came to bed, I was just relieved it was over...lol, did I mention it sucks?

Hang in there girlfriend...lol, by the way, have been to Cozmel Mexico, and it was beautiful...♥

Originally posted by dmonkey
reply to post by Shrukin89

 

i guess i stay because in the back of my mind i hear the first husband that said you don't divorce for any reason and there is always a way to work it out. no he doesn't threaten me. he just says if he didn't love me he wouldn't be here.

sue him? no. i have no hard feelings towards him. i am not mad at him. i am not a revenge type person. i do owe him money because he borrowed for me so i could pay my taxes. i would need to pay that back. but otherwise,

it is all about the emotional side. that is why it is hard for me. if you loved someone so much you would do anything, i mean anything, to make it work. why break it off so easily. why be so COLD about it. if it was the love of your life, how can you just do it.. and not look back.

i swore to myself that if we didn't work out, i was done with relationships. no more dating. no more wishing for mr. right. no more wanting to share my life with someone. i am done with all that.

i will need to think about this, it is not a HASTY decision. nor an easy one.

no kids thank God. just material things to be sorted out.

Well I can't get mad at you. You are smart and old enough to know what you want. If he is the kind of guy that you want hey go for it. Let him sleep and have sex with all the women in your neighborhood. Let him download thousands of pictures of naked women. I don't care as long as you are happy. But if you are happy then you can't whine and complain to us. You said that you have no hard feelings about him. You aren't mad at him? Seriously? You must be the most forgiving, loving, strong hearted woman ever that I've heard.

Sooner or later you'll one day wake up. Having several break ups and leading to the next break up. It's the exact same with my ex gf. I loved her very very much and I knew how hard it was to break up with her. I had to get my friends to be able to help me break up with her. I know how hard it is believe me. I've been there. But when I got rid of her my heart was pounding away, crying in joy in saying how relieved I was from the same stupid roller coaster ride that I had to deal with day after day. The reason why we liked each other so much was because of "sex" Sex is the culprit of staying together. That is the only reason that he loves you is because he gets sex from you. That's all what he is really after. He'll leave you and have sex with other women if he doesn't get what he wants. Give this a try for a week. Don't have sex for a week and see what happens. Mark my words he will leave you if he doesn't get laid.

The guy sounds like a sociopath. He probably does not love you but he probably is not capable of it so do not see this as a reflection on you. Short of re-wiring his brain so he can experience some level of empathy you will never change what he is and trying will just be a commitment to futility.

reply to post by dmonkey


You've given this guy too many chances but you're still under the illusion that you can change him. That if he changes all will be perfect. It's NOT going to happen. Of course people deserve another chance. But you've given him hundreds. Years of them. You need to wake up and stop being a doormat. If you go camping and you don't start an argument by mentioning all his infidelities you think it will be a happy time? Dream on.

You're not the only person in the world that's been through this. A lot of us know what that's like, so you should smarten up and listen to experience. Read through the horror stories on this thread alone. They make great reading but sadly, THEY HAPPENED. But things like that make you tougher, (when you wake up).

The worst part really is when you look back and kick yourself for not getting out sooner. Learn from people's experiences, because one day you WILL regret worshipping this guy and the time and effort you wasted on him. And the fault will be yours and not his.

reply to post by MountainLaurel


Oh my goodness honey, I am soooooooooo sorry to hear that story. It seriously brings tears to my eyes to know that I'm not the only one that these things have happened to. I wish I was the only one and I wish I could just bear the burden and pain of everyone here

I hope to goodness you have moved on and started a happier life from that awful awful man.

I know what you mean about the memories though... it's like one day we were walking through the field across from my neighborhood, holding hands. He was being goofy and looking at me with such a loving look in his eyes and I said jokingly "What are you doing with your life?!" and I laughed and he said giddily, "Spendin' it with you babe." I'll never forget those words.... we layed down a blanket I'd brought and made love in the broad sunlight and it was amazing. I was so happy and it felt like a fairytale, but then it was like he switched up because he'd gotten what he wanted and instead of laying with me in the beautiful sunlight and the trees and such, he pulled his phone out and began texting the girls again.... and ignored me and our moment. He put on all of his clothes and stood there, texting away.

I was so upset and confronted him and he got so immediately angry about me being insecure and saying he could talk to and be with any girl he wanted and that I needed to just deal with him and I said "Well, f***k you, I'm going home, I've had enough" and he said no, and he threw all of my clothes into the pond near the field and said "Have a nice walk bitch" and I had to pull my clothes out of the dirty, algae infested pond where turtles and fish and birds all live and wear the smelly clothes and walk home alone. I felt so abandoned and used and alone

I just don't understand what goes wrong, and why I wasn't enough. It wasn't like we had no sex, my sex-drive is insatiable and I liked doing it in exciting places, new things, etc and it was never enough. I'd allow him to take it even after I said no because I thought I was doing my duty as a good loving girlfriend.

Just... so ashamed of how low I let him drag me sometimes.